Bipolar Check-in #88 (again!)

I love your painting @Blue_Bird! Such vibrant colors!

@Nammu When does the new season of Stranger Things start, do you know? It's been so long since the last season, I'm afraid I will have forgotten all of it! I'm bad about things like that in books and TV shows.

I took a 2 hr nap, was suddenly exhausted after my midday dose of Seroquel. Started drawing an evil clown but I'm not finished yet. It needs lots of shading and more feature definition and some symmetry work, feature definition, things I do better fresh in the morning. It's in the creative corner if you're curious.

I'm at work and I'm feeling nervous. They've changed my timetable so my day is "off". I normally teach first period but now I have first period off. Seems strange. I hope I get through this day. My first 2 classes on my timetable will be fine it's the last class that I'm a bit worried about.

It’s supposed to be 2025 but not sure when. Yeah we were watching season 4 today and it had references back to the first season, that was hard as I barely remember it. They really dragged out the seasons. Though with game of thrones maybe they could have delayed the finale season and gotten better writers. So maybe it’s good that they are taking their time?

I'm feeling off. I talked yesterday about how I was feeling really ramped up, it hasn't slowed down and has actually gotten significantly worse. I can't stop talking to myself with like pressured speech and my mind is racing a million miles a second and I can't stop doing stuff. I also feel on the verge of breaking down in tears for no reason. I keep trying to rein in the hyperness but my brain feels like it's going to implode if I don't talk or pace or do things. I just want to slow down and calm down I wish someone could duct tape me to the couch to keep me from getting up to do things. I also wish my mind would stop racing. I keep having thoughts that I'm being poisoned somehow.

I'm not really sure what to do. I have klonopin I could take as a PRN but don't know if I should or not. I might call my therapist tomorrow and see if I can get an earlier appointment instead of next week for this week.

Last spring I was like this too.

I took 2 Tylenol PM and 2 visteral when I got to the hotel. Then I passed out for an hour on the couch. I'm not sure those 2 should be combined but idk

Now I'm just watching TV. My back still hurts from yesterday so I put a bunch of icy hot on it. But overall I feel ok.

Kinda tmi 🌶

@MuddyBoots, I really feel for you. Know you're not alone. I can relate. A lot of us, if not all, can relate. I'm not going to say it gets better, I know it's hard to believe, I know it's really dark. Somebody cares, I care, we care. A lot.

You matter @MuddyBoots , and your feelings matter.

The fact is you're a physical being and you need to eat. Not eating makes you feel even worse. Your body is trying its hardest for you, and it needs energy to support you. It won't solve your problems, but eating something will at least help you physically and can make a big difference.

I'm feeling really low. It's been declining for a number of days now.

Zopiclone seems to have stopped working, I'm back to a few hours of sleep.

I had a conversation with my wife about the past and how difficult it has been for me. I thought maybe opening up a little might help.

Unfortunately it didn't work out. She made it about herself and talked about how I hurt her.

I tried. Again.

First day back to school went okay. I ended up having to cover for a teacher who was gone, so my day was a little busier than normal. But, the work for the class I covered was all independent, online work so I was able to still get some grading done while they worked. It's that time of year when schedules are constantly changing so we already have a schedule change for Friday.

My mood was on the lower end today. Minimal SI so that was good, but still hard to get motivated to do much besides scroll on my phone because I am struggling so much to focus on reading, watching a show, or playing a game. I was able to get a 30 minute walk in on my walking pad so that was nice. Now, it's bed time! My sleep has been pretty light, but I think that will be the case until I get settled into a new routine after I move. My energy levels still felt okay today, but I am refreshed from my spring break.

Ugh. I'm sleeping on a hotel couch and I got sick last night but I had sleep paralysis and couldn't get to the bathroom. I was trying so hard to move. I couldn't even call out for my mom to bring me a garbage can. I thought of letting loose all over my shirt but I was worried I'd choke. Finally I snapped out of it and made it to the bathroom.

But I thought you always just snapped out of sleep paralysis when things like that were about to happen.

Awesome! I got $156 Paypal on a privacy violation class action settlement I joined! Not a scam, didn't click any links, it's there in my Paypal account!

This past weekend was a lot of fun! My friend came and we went bowling, got ice cream, watched movies on Netflix and shows on Hulu and even spent part of Easter with me. I have to admit though, I've just now "recovering" from entertaining. I'm so not used to doing so much! We had a blast though. I'm glad he came and we got to hang out. It shows me that while I am often isolating and alone, I do enjoy spending time with friends.

This morning was a bit rough. I went to this one store and I was really lightheaded and dizzy. I had a banana and a greek yogurt at the hotel. So I had just eaten. I quickly did what I needed to do and left.

I've had these hot and cold flashes all day and I'm super achy but I just ate most of a big salad with raspberry vinagrette dressing so I feel a lot better now. I think it was just the couch and the weather is weird. The Prestiq withdrawels are still there at 25mg. I may just stay on this dose for a bit.

@Blue_Bird Maybe try the prn? Have you ever tried hydroxyzine to slow down? It won't stop mania, but it can slow down those racing thoughts just a bit and it's not a controlled substance. Or maybe even Benadryl would do it? When do you see your pdoc again.

@Scooter9 I'm sorry you're so low. How long until that trial starts? Can you ask your pdoc if there is something else you can try for sleep. I'm sorry opening up to your wife was not helpful.

@June08 I'm sorry your mood has been low and hope things will improve for you. Good job getting a walk in though!

@Brentus WTG being social! I have a hard, hard time with that. The only people I am comfortable socially with are my 2 sisters, and my best friend from college, but my friend lives in Delaware or Connecticut or perhaps has gone back to Switzerland as she has dual citizenship. I haven't seen her in over 10 yr. And being off social media, I have no clue what she is doing.

As for me, I slept 8 hr though I felt like sleeping a bit longer but I got up because H had to leave early this morning, and I wanted to get his breakfast and lunch ready. I managed to beat the rain & squeeze in a power walk. I showered, had breakfast, started reading with the SAD lamp. I'm into my book, and suddenly the smoke detector in the hall starts going off. My daughter is all panicked like "Is there a fire?!" My heart was racing a bit too but we checked everywhere inside and out, no fire, I'm not sure why that thing went off. I put new batteries in it less than a month ago, and I didn't cheap out on the batteries, they were Duracell, so what the heck?

Anyway, things calmed down, the cats settled down, I finished reading, folded a load of laundry and drew. I spent a long time working on the evil clown picture I started yesterday. I had so much fun with it! I drew a quick castle turret too, but the clown took a lot of my drawing time today. Now, I have the rest of the day before me, just meals for my daughter & me, reading, a hopefully low key day.

I hope everyone has a fantastic Wednesday!

I've got 8 days before the trial @Blueberrybook, thanks for asking.

My doctor said I can take 2 zopiclone, so I'll find out how it goes tonight.

There's not really anything I can do about the low mood at this point. I'm trying to manage though.

I had a short sleep last night. I gave in and went back to bed after being up for several hours. I slept for another hour but I'm still really tired.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scooter9 I've got 8 days before the trial @Blueberrybook, thanks for asking. My doctor said I can take 2 zopiclone, so I'll find out how it goes tonight. There's not really anything I can do about the low mood at this point. I'm trying to manage though. I had a short sleep last night. I gave in and went back to bed after being up for several hours. I slept for another hour but I'm still really tired.

8 days isn't so long now to wait. I hope taking the 2 zopiclone will help; I know lack of sleep makes everything worse.

Hang in there. I really hope the trial helps you.

Struggling a lot today. I went and got my 4-year chip at my homegroup and got all dressed up. I wore a really pretty dress today, but I still feel awful. I am really lonely. I tried to date and reach out to guys, but I always back out because I am still very heartbroken. Even after all the good things that are happening, my heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest.

I don't know what to feel or how to feel. I managed to get up and dressed up this morning, which was a miracle. I don't know why I feel this way, but I am drowning, and it shouldn't be this way, but it is. All I can do is hope things get better soon.

I’m home from my last day at practicum! Im all done with grad schoool!

16 days til graduation!

Whoa I was slumming this morning. Just watching the price is right in my pjs and taking it easy. I had put my hearing aids on because I smelled something, wanted to hear if the alarms went off. Thank goodness I did cause the phone rang. My sister was here! I forgot completely about that. We went to a local restaurant and gosh, it was good. Had a grilled Hawaiian sandwich. Grilled chicken, pineapple, bacon and cheese. With fruit. I managed to eat the first half then we both took apart the sandwich and just ate the chicken. Mmm it was so good.

Got back played dice for awhile. Need to take some time for drawing today. It’s been a couple of busy days. Tomorrow is my T. I think Friday is clear. I really need to write stuff down. I’m forgetting everything.

@Nammu your day sounds like it has been loads of fun! That sandwich sounds delicious!

I'm going to call my GI to see if I can get into see him sooner. I just feel so flu like lately and this cough is still here. I think the loss of appetite and weight loss is from getting off the Prestiq and getting scared by my other doctor about the other things going on. I am eating a lot better.

I found out today my favorite uncle got diagnosed with Its just a lot to deal with right now.

Today the students have Athletics Day. I don’t particularly like athletics but hey it beats teaching. I’m on gate duty. Have to stop students from escaping! Should be fun lol

Congrats @HALLIEBETH87!

@LadyShadow - I'm sorry you're feeling low and lonely. Do you at least have friends to hang out with or call when you are lonely? My suggestion would be to focus more effort into tried and true friends and wait with the dating. If I'd had such a traumatic manic episode like you'd had, I don't know, it would take me longer than a few months to come to terms with the fallout and even longer beyond that to be ready mentally for dating.

Lady shadow, blueberry makes a good point. You just had a horrific episode. It would certainly take me longer than a few months to get back in the swing of things. After my last episode it took me a year before I was not in a mild state of shock from rejoining a normal state of being. I’m wondering if you might have codependency issues where you need to be with someone. Instead of just enjoying a partner you have an unhealthy need to absolutely must have someone? Did you say you have a T you might be able to discuss that with? It seems to me that you went from one relationship directly into another intense relationship. I know you were forced to be physically apart by jail then requirements of probation. But you were still bound intensively into the relationship. You have so many healthy relationships with your parents, your friends and AA buddies but it doesn’t seem to be enough?

Thanks so much ladies for reaching out - @Blueberrybook and @Nammu - I have severe codependency issues. They have been with me a very long time. My relationship with my husband was awful and then I got myself into another intense one right after that. I have such good healthy relationships with friends and family, but you're right it doesn't feel like it is enough. I am completely devoid of all good feelings for myself, that I NEED to be with someone. It is so bad and unhealthy, and I know it.

My insurance got all messed up at the beginning of the year too. They classified my therapy as a "specialist" and now charge me $45 to see my therapist per session. I can't afford that at all, and I used to see him weekly, now it is down to once a month. My friends are basically tired of hearing me go on and on about this, so I don't burden them with it anymore, leaving me no one to talk to. I am incredibly lonely, and in this unhealthy "thing" with my ex and these emails and now occasional phone calls. I am in such pain on a daily basis,

Possible trigger:

I often get suicidal

- I don't talk about it much, and haven't mentioned here till now, because I am ashamed of what I have become. I wish I knew a solution, but the fact is I am unwilling to do anything about it. I am even lucky I am still sober. It's been so much this past year, and honestly, you're right, I haven't fully gotten over that manic episode at all.

So, I've forgot to check in. I'm okay a little nervous about starting school with my recent discovery. My husband and I are reading the same book because he can't join a book club. (They all cost here). I changed my phone plan to a cheaper one saving $15 a month but audible is going to eat that up so in reality the new hobby is costing us at least $26 a month when we are supposed to be cutting bills.
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We have about 2 months or so to get our finances under control. So I'm hoping we can. Between my dental work and my dog I racked up $1200 in debt these last 2 months. So gotta pay that off as soon as possible. I couldn't see living without teeth for 6 months or letting my dog suffer. So we're trying to cut every bill we can. But our "book club" has given us a lot to talk about because neither of us watch TV really. I feel bad I'm spending extra money on audible but my husband is fine about it.

Other than that I'm doing well. The hadol hurt my jaw so I stopped taking that. I may change clinics to one in a ten minute walk from me I have to call and ask if they do injections. If not than I won't go there. I don't want to give up my therapist because I see her twice a week.