Bipolar Check-in #88 (again!)

I slept all day yesterday, all night, and until 10:15 a.m. this morning. My mom and I are going to Costco.

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Originally Posted by Moose72 I slept all day yesterday, all night, and until 10:15 a.m. this morning. My mom and I are going to Costco.

I'm glad to hear you finally got some sleep

Thanks.

Good morning. I slept okay. About 7 hours. I wish I got more sleep but Mustachio woke me up early because she was hungry. She bites and licks my nose when she wants me to get up. She keeps doing it until I get up.

I’m really tired from my morning meds now. I might take a nap at some point. I got a google streaming stick for my tv so I turned my old non smart TV into a smart tv

Now I can watch any streaming service that I have on there and YouTube etc all kinds of stuff which is nice.

I’m just about to have a coffee and listen to some music. Maybe play a game or read some idk.

Tomorrow I’m gonna order some Burger King for delivery. Excited about that.

I ended up at 5.5 hours of sleep on the double zopiclone. Sleep was deep, but short.

I feel really strange this morning, but I guess that's too be expected. I think I'll be ok in the afternoon.

I'm checking whether I can add Klonopin to find out if that helps.

I've been thinking a lot. Not overthinking, but exploring. I've been trying to find out what's underneath all of the struggle, pain, all of what others call misunderstanding. I think I'm starting to gain an understanding of what's going on. It's small steps but I think they're going in the right direction.

Maybe I'm looking at this too deeply. Maybe that's the way I am - depressed. I'm not sure, but it's worth looking.

I feel like I'm a foot taller then I actually am. Like the couch just takes effort to sit down on because its lower than normal or some ****. Idk if this is some form of disscoistion. But I'm very achy today.

I got a call 45 minutes before my therapy session from the office saying she needed to cancel and to reschedule for tommorow. This is just one more thing to add but honestly, this does bother me a bit. She has never done this and claimed she never would. I emailed her but she hasn't responded

Woke up really late, but I think I needed the sleep. I have been inside my head too much. I have so much to be grateful for, and all the wonderful things that's been happening, that I have to stop focusing on the one area where I am unhappy. I have so many family and friends who care, and I am starting important work with my church on Sunday. It's nice to belong, and I am thankful for it.

Today will be a relax day, I think. I am going to curl up on my couch and catch up with movies I have been trying to watch for a long time. "The Accountant 2" comes out next weekend in the theaters with Ben Affleck, and I think I want to watch the first Accountant today to refresh myself. I hope everyone has a relaxing Thursday ahead. The weather has been very nice, but kind of hot. Too hot to open all the windows right now.

@Blue_Bird My cat Pecan wakes me most mornings to feed her by jumping and walking all over me. She is unfortunately an alarm clock I cannot set, so sometimes I'm up at 3 or 4 AM because of her.

@Scooter9 I have a problem with overthinking things as well. Sometimes I'll step back and think...remember, it's genetics too, but why me and not my 2 sisters? Maybe it's also to do with birth order, being the firstborn. And then heap on all the PTSD stuff along with horrible anxiety stemming back to when I was at least 4 or 5, a bad home environment, etc., etc.

I woke early this morning, around 4 AM and my cat didn't even wake me, I was just up, so around 4:20 AM I finally just got out of bed. I took a power walk, showered, read with the SAD lamp, finished my book, started another. I refilled meds (now the days are off because I refilled all the pills early when H was going on his work trip a couple weeks ago). Drawing was very frustrating this morning, nothing seemed to turn out, maybe it was too little sleep? Pretty soon I'll make lunch for myself and my daughter, have a low-key afternoon.

My mood is pretty good at least, but I am really hating the way my cycle is treating me in perimenopause. I got super nauseous this morning (I know it's ovulation time, that always makes me queasy.) I couldn't eat breakfast until I took a prn Zofran (gynecologist prescribes that one) and it kicked in. I'm so ready to be done with cycles and periods!

@LadyShadow It's always nice to have a relaxing day. It's good to hear you focusing on the positives in your life, your family, friends, church & faith. The weather here has gotten hot & humid too; we've been using the AC constantly for several weeks now. I think the nice cool days are over until late September or early October.

Oh, blueberry I love your cat. I think it turned out lovely!

I had a so-so night. Lots of waking up with dreams in between. Had a lovely dream near the end. Was in a huge, huge bookstore. I always feel safe in a bookstore, even if this one was having a New Year’s Eve sale. And there wasn’t much left. But I found a flower vase that turned upside down.

I have a therapist appointment this afternoon. Instead of a shower I had a sink bath. The wind is cold and a shower just seemed too daunting.

My daughter told me this morning that my granddaughter’s instructors at her gymnastics class were so impressed with her at the finals that they are recommending she go. Into the pre team. Instead of classes she’ll be competing. She loves gymnastics.

Gotta go. Read ya all later.

Yeah, @Blueberrybook it's tough to avoid overthinking.

I'm doing this thinking in conjunction with what we talk about in therapy. I set a time limit, but I have yet to honor that

Nammu - Oh, me too! I absolutely love dreams where I am in a bookstore, especially a huge one! Often when I wake from a bookstore dream, I wish I could fall asleep and continue dreaming about it.

My case manager just called to say she’s leaving for good in only one week!

I meet my new one next week at my med review.

Yes in this dream the book store was a composite of three real life bookstores I’ve been in, all of them three stories tall. Books everywhere, even on the staircase. Yes, definitely want to go back to sleep to stay in that safe space!

Today turned out to be a very lazy day. I enjoyed it. I am privileged to have days without stress or complications. I can't believe how dramatic I get sometimes. Things are going so well, and I have so much to be grateful for. I have a lot in my life worth living for, and I can't let one man or person make me feel like everything is worth nothing. I really have an all or nothing mentality and I am working on changing it.

I always love your dreams @Nammu - I really wish I could remember mine. Loving your cat drawing @Blueberrybook - these hotter days are surprising, I feel weird having my AC on so early.

Sorry about your case manager leaving @Moose72 - I didn't know that BurgerKing delivered @Blue_Bird - maybe just the one around here doesn't. I hope you get something good tomorrow!

But I have been a complete ***** to deal with today. Everything has set me into a rage. Like is this normal with prestiq? I've been on 25 for a week now. But everyrhing is driving me nuts and my injection sites hurt like **** and my skin is just ****ing painfull

Yup through Ubereats or DoorDash they do. I’m getting a steakhouse bacon whopper, jalapeño cheddar bites, onion rings and a chocolate shake

I don't know what's wrong with me you guys, but yesterday and today I've just been so ANGRY.

I'm so pissed about how much weight my stupid meds have made me gain!!!!! And I'm pissed about having to take meds. I want to throw something!!!! I want to scream!!! FCK!! How can someone who eats like a damn rabbit be a FAT LAND WHALE?!?!?!? I do not understand. I am not comprehending this phenomenon.

I'm also frustrated because my brain feels like damn MUSH and I can't get anything done. All I want to do is sleep and listen to music. That is fcking all!! It's becoming a problem! I should be happy right now because one of my stories got accepted for an anthology, but I'm too PISSED OFF and MUSHY MINDED to be happy.

My brain just feels tired, and I don't know why. Normally I go into an upswing this time of year and instead I'm just pissed off and frustrated and fcking FAT.

😡 😡 😡

I had a good day. Spent most of the day reading and then playing my game. I’m almost finished playing Life is Strange 2. I’ll probably be able to finish it by tomorrow afternoon then start the next game in the series Life is Strange: True Colors.

Excited to see the new Final Destination movie when it comes out on May 16th in the theater. I’m gonna watch the rest of the third and all of the 4th tonight. Then the 5th one tomorrow then I’ll be all caught up and set to go see it when it comes out.

I feel a lot… calmer than I was feeling for a couple weeks to say the least.

Anyway yay tomorrow is friday. I like weekends because it means no one will bother me (I live in supportive housing so sometimes on weekdays when staff is working here they ring my intercom or my doorbell cause they need this and that paperwork etc. whatever , anyway I like the weekends because they’re peaceful and I don’t have to be bothered by anyone cause nobody works here on the weekends except the security guards who work down in the lobby 24/7.

had a boring day, made pasta and doing laundry. got an A+ in one class. jsut waiting to hear about one more assignemnt for my final grade in my other class

I am so frustrated its not like going off the prestiq is helping. My agoraphobia is back and I'm still puking my guts out after everything I eat. Today was really bad. Its just like everything is so close yet so loud and far away amd I think my cats just took a **** because something smells.

@Blue_Bird did you know you can use Google to catch pokemon on your phone? I'm not sure if it works for all phones, but if you Google search one, a pokeball appears for you to click to try to catch it. It is set up so you have to reach certain milestones (number caught) before you can catch certain ones. If you are logged in to a Google account, it will keep track of how close you are to catching all 151. When I saw the video, I immediately thought of you since you mentioned playing pokemon go the other day.

My mood has been back to being stable the last couple of days. I was even able to go back down to 12.5 mg of seroquel (instead of 25 mg). Hopefully, things will stay this way. POTs has me not feeling that great physically though.

It hit me yesterday that I am emotionally/mentally burnt out. What we all do every day-having to manage our symptoms (even when stable)-is hard and exhausting. For me, the constant balance of managing both my bipolar symptoms and POTs symptoms on a daily basis has drained me-I think it's this last bout of hypomanic symptoms and having to restart my vertigo exercises that pushed me to feeling completely burnt out. It's hard because what often helps a person feel refreshed is to take a break from what is exhausting them, but taking a break from managing my health isn't really an option (unless I want to risk getting worse). Because of this, I don't have the mental capacity to be as present to my students as they deserve...

So is life I guess. It is what it is, it's just where I'm at right now. Everyone here deserves to give themselves a pat on the back for all the work you do to take care of yourself.

I’m feeling okay. Loving the fact that today was a public holiday. I’m going in half an hour to get my nails done. I’m getting them done in a bridal style. Going to try a few different ones until I’m happy before my wedding day next year. Went to a lovely cafe for brunch and I ate French toast. It was heavenly!

I woke up a few minutes ago in legit pain and I'm like yeahhh. This isn't normal to be in so much pain that I am having trouble walking. My sister has had a few kidney stones before. Its hard to tell what is what. But I'm not sure my skin is just "hurting"