Bipolar Check-in #88 (again!)

My pdoc told me to prep for hell for Effexor withdrawals (very similar chemically to Prestiq) but it really was probably one of the easier psych meds to get off of. Easier than any antipsychotic or benzo I’ve been on more than a few months.

Does your gastro know that it’s depression keeping you from getting the medical care? I don’t know if that’ll make a difference on their end, but I know if I was thinking “I might die not getting this health problem treated” and intentionally didn’t get it treated, my docs (at least pdoc anyway) would be flipping their caps.

I had to go off Effexor quickly and had no problems either. I've never been on Pristiq but based on Effexor I wouldn't hesitate.

I quit prestiq cold turkey no issues. it may not be too bad.

@Nammu and @unaluna I saw the next episode of Call the Midwife. It's a special one. (My mom got me a PBS membership for my birthday so apparently I get the episodes early and could have been on episode 6 by now if I'd known to look).

Thanks, I’ll look forward to it!

I can't wait to see what you think!

Just took a huge spiral into depression. I woke up at 1pm and have just been crying so much. This heartache hurts so bad, I am suffering so much.

I am going to the Stations of the Cross tonight, so I am hoping it helps. I am strong in my faith, but sometimes I falter so badly. I am just failing so much when there is so much to be grateful for, but I am just drowning in my own self-pity.

The worst part about it, is that I KNOW I am doing it, and I KNOW what is causing it, but I am not breaking free from it. I am beating my own self up so bad - maybe today is just a bad day.

@LadyShadow I'm sorry you're having such a hard time today. I hope you'll feel better after going to church tonight; I know your faith is very important to you. I'm sorry your breakup was so hard on you. Have you considered you may need to cut communication with your ex for awhile, to give yourself a chance to regroup, to not be sitting on pins & needles waiting for the next communication from your ex? Because if it has you in such a state, it's almost as if your mind hasn't let go of the relationship especially if you get upset if you don't hear from him daily. Maybe it might be for the best to give yourself more time/connection away from him so you can focus on yourself first?

My pcp was all like "well I can put you on this other cholestrol med if you don't like the other one" He also scratched his crotch. Lol.

I kept falling asleep in the car while running errands. I think it was the heated seats.

Not even 6pm, still straight up daylight out, and I'm ready to call it a night.

Doing well. Had therapy today. Today’s session was mostly focused on my eating disorder and how to become more intuitive about eating rather than starving myself or on the other extreme, bingeing. It was a good session.

I also practiced piano for 30 min today, practiced violin for 30 min, and got on the treadmill for 30 min in addition to a walk outside to my therapy appointment. Feeling pretty good mentally, sleeping good. Eating good, making balanced meals, trying to follow hunger cues, enjoying my hobbies. Dissociation hasn’t happened in well over a week now which is kind of unheard of for me. And when it did last happen the previous two times I was able to stop it within like 5 min with the dive reflex DBT skill. So I’m doing well. Hope you all have a good weekend!

@LadyShadow I agree with @Blueberrybook about the situation with your ex. Remember: he ABANDONED you when you were sick! How would he even work out in the long run? Would he stand by your side? I don't know. Just something to think about. I hope you feel better soon. 🫂 ❤️

Omg. I am so freaking WEIRD FEELING!! What the fudge is going on here? God.

Watching the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry. Always liked this movie. Haven’t seen too many of his movies but this one I like.

How did I get here??? Pdoc thinks I’m getting manic but at least she isn’t throwing me in that horrible place with the padded locked room with the square window with metal lines in it.

Had a great lunch today, it was fish, I love fish. They don’t often have fish.

Did my drawing, a flamingo 🦩 turned out pretty good. But didn’t feel like drawing the rail road ties, from the other book.

Very involved in politics today. Instead of being scared I’m pissed. Wish I could join the protests tomorrow but it’s up in the cities. Not possible for me. Nothing here.

The machines Nextdoor are very loud. They tore down all the trees, dug holes brought in different dirt. Now yesterday and today they are digging foundation posts with huge specialized machinery. Soon the walls will go up and we will lose our view of the pond. They are building a condo. Jack and I joke about getting binoculars so we can spy on the interlopers. We kid tho.

Time for us to go out this morning. My son is bored and bugging me. No swimming lessons today because it’s the holidays. We’re going to a cafe then will find somewhere for him to buy a toy.

Happy Saturday to me!

State testing is done! The kids were champs today despite having to take so many tests. I took one of my classes outside to just hang out so they could get a bit of a brain break. One of my coworkers was going to give students a game day today too because she knew their brains were fried. No point in giving them more information when they can't receive it.

I'm feeling lonely this evening. It's especially hard on the weekends to not have a social life. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to help with the volunteer group I've been checking out so hopefully being around people will help. Otherwise, nothing planned on my end except the usual errands, chores, and Mass. I'm getting excited for some time off-only one more week until spring break!

I've been so... DISTRACTED. Like I can't actually accomplish anything! All I want to do, and have been doing, is sit here and scroll and scroll and listen to music and clean. I'm DROWNING in submissions here! I have a novel that needs to be written! I have stuff I need to DO. UGH. I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!! At least my anxiety wasn't too terrible today.... but that's just because I found three extra gabapentins this morning and took them. I just feel so... off.

My therapy appointment went well. Regarding my anxiety involving what the orange one is doing and what's going to happen, she advised me to just focus on the things in my control. There's a protest going on downtown tomorrow morning, but I prefer to retain a low profile so I'm not going (I voted! Happy to say I live in WI). I don't want to get tear gassed or shot or arrested and deported to El Salvador.

My husband and I don't know what to expect in Madison tomorrow. The venue is downtown where the protest is happening (like... RIGHT THERE). Hopefully nothing bad happens and everything is safely dispersed by the time we get there.

I don't know. I think I've been handling my anxiety a little TOO much with music therapy and need to stop because it's becoming too distracting. I've also been SCROLLING too much, which would be fine if I was actually doing some self promotion, but I'm not.

I'm just.... doing nothing.

Thank you so much @Blueberrybook @raspberrytorte - this situation has got my insides ripped up. January and February were easier because I was reaching out to other guys, BUT I was crashing and burning because they were all surface stuff, and my broken heart wanted something serious. I know I wait around for emails, and I know he left me when I was sick - but I can't let go. It's SO hard. Maybe if I felt better about myself I could, but I am so lonely, and I can't date, so I am just stuck in the THING.

The only solace I have is in my faith, which I am holding on hard to. Tonight, I went to the Stations of the Cross and met with the priest about Sunday's mass. I hope he lays his hands on my head again and prays over me. This is the last week I will be going up to the altar until baptism.

I have so much I have to do and focus on, and that's what I'm going to do. I want a career, I want to work with my church, and I want to write my book and tell my story. I can't let myself get caught up in this lovesick behavior.

Tomorrow is a cheat day for me. I plan on doing absolutely NOTHING. Just laying on my couch, watching "The War of the Rohirrim" and binging some more "Last of Us" - I am going to enjoy myself, because I am blessed enough that I can.

So if I've been thinking about how people only acknowledge me when I do something for them. I act like I should, I provide, I care, I listen, etc. My whole worth is based on how useful I am to someone else.

What it costs me to be useful is not relevant, that's my problem and no one cares about that anyway.

When I stop producing, people no longer show up because I'm no longer useful to them.

It seems my experience is not unique. It seems that a lot of people live this way.

So I ask, what's the point of continuing when you're no longer useful? What's left?

The only other AD I'm willing to try is prozac. I think I read its a good one to go on anyways if your coming off Prestiq.

I woke up half an hour ago feeling not great. I took my AM meds and a zofran and some Tylenol. Its Saturday so I get my weekly shot today. My Nexium and new cholestrol med should ready today..

I need to get yogurt.

Texted with my therapist long-time friend last night. I had sent him about 20 text messages yesterday about how Ive been feeling lately. He said I am exhibiting hypomanic behavior and it's ok. It happens. I told him I don't feel chipper and fun, I want to cry. He said I get both mania and psychosis. More was said but he said we'd talk tomorrow as he had to go to sleep.

He is a special person. I love him.

Good morning. I did some decluttering in my apartment today. I slept good. About 8 hours. I just made breakfast and had that. I had a slice of sourdough toast with two eggs and half an avocado. Gonna clean more later. For now I’m enjoying my coffee and a biography audiobook of Beethoven.

After cleaning later I’m gonna practice violin and piano. Might start a drawing too. That’s about it for the plans for today. Also gonna read on my kindle later . Tomorrow I have a volunteer shift with the rescue kitties.

Nothing to report as far as mood goes. Mood is good and stable, anxiety is minimal and no dissociation. Just doing really well most days.

I say as I stay up until midnight and wake up 3 and a half hours later crawling out of my spggatttimobster blessed skin