Bipolar Check-In #92

Oh, and my daughter is fed up with me. I think she was fed up even when she found me crying and crying and I told her I hate myself. I don't think she even told H at this point, so he doesn't know

I'm manic & depressed & mixed and probably everything else in the book at this point: panicky, anxious, sad mad at myself, etc., etc.

I hurt H and my daughter so bad, they're snappinhg at me any tiume I try to talk to them because they're not fine and I'm not foine and it s my worst annilversary ever, gee, thankls for asking, family? Because they are not even checking on me let alone talk to9 me on their own.

I'm so upset.

Of all thing s too H eis righting a comcplicated comp. code.

I’m so sorry blueberry. Physical illness can undermine our mental health. Can you try to sleep though this. Give all of you a break?

Thanks so much @Nammu.

At least H helped me with rescheduling my colonscopy & the prep just now so that is off my shoulders because that's beyond way too much for me now.

Just let me keep it is togerther!!!!

[TRIGGER][/id put this in a trigger box jf i werent on mobileTRIGGER]Sweet she canceled so I can go drink myself to death.

I can't remember things today much

Jesus, can;t the rest of the world slow down today too?!!

Even if you don't do this every day, every week, every 2 weeks, its happenig today!!! Or every yeAR!!!!! jUST got my vehicle registration renewal notice -- mail, text & email, It is SO important I remember not to delete any of that too! And it's my anniversary, which I want to be special & it's not!!!

Blueberry - im so sorry your family isnt being supportive. It sounded like you were being mindful of your health. I dont see how they can blame you for falling ill.

How do you REMEMBER TO KEEP IMPORTANT ****???? I just wiped my phone clean and deleted every contact in it and in my email in case someone who’s been dead for a while has any remnants on it!!

I hope I remembered my keys because i didn’t memorize anyone that lives here’s number (including landlord and maintenance and the building is locked from the street not just the individual studios).

My CM can fk herself though I’m GLAD I don’t have anyone there’s number memorized.

Good morning everyone

I slept in a bit

Taking my son to see his paediatrician in the city. Not looking forward to the drive from the country. We’re having to leave at 8:45am for an 11:30 appointment. Ughhh.

@Blueberrybook I'm sorry things are so are being so hard right now.

@Blueberrybook I'm sorry everything is so bad right now. I'm so glad you were able to reschedule your colonoscopy. That's bad enough when you haven't been sick. I hope things improve quickly.

I am so sorry @Blueberrybook - I am sorry this is all happening which seems like all at the same time. It's so hard when it's like that. Take one thing at a time. The world may be speeding up, but you don't have to. Slow down, be gentle with yourself. You said your SAD lamp helps you - why don't you just relax with it for a bit? Not too much stress, like trying to paint or anything, but just to breathe and count backwards from 10 to 1 a few times. I know about wanting everything to be perfect, especially on your wedding anniversary and your daughter and your H aren't exactly helpful right now - but it's important that you ground yourself as best as you can. Have you thought about a nice long shower today? That always helps me. We are here for you, keep posting and checking in, we love you.

@MuddyBoots - damn hon, I am so sorry that the CM was no help today - I am thinking of you, and hope that you at least make it back to your apartment today.

I am in better spirits. Went to an AA meeting today, which all of you had reminded me to do, which I FINALLY did today. It was so good seeing everyone and participating in the meeting. Did some grocery shopping today - I have way more Diet Dr. Pepper than I need but I think it will last the next two months, lol. It FINALLY cooled down here too - its barely 80 degrees so I have all the windows open with the fans on. I think I am going to burn some incense and some candles tonight.

I’ve been so apathetic lately. The whole weekend I spent in my pjs doing nothing but being online and watching tv. Today I finally got dressed and took the garbage out. Was one and 2/3 bags and I forgot the milk carton. Still haven’t gotten the new bags in the cans though! It’s like I told my T I’m down but not at a clinical level.

I’ve got live PD on. It’s kinda like Cops. Made me curious and I googled how many people have been in handcuffs. And one article says 6 out of 10 people have been arrested in America. That’s arrested but not convicted. Gosh don’t piss off a police officer! They are so sensitive, that things they let people walk away from in the 60’s and 70’s they arrest you now days geez. 🙄 even when they’re called to mental health things they end up using handcuffs and getting all upset. A couple of years ago I was reading a lot about how they were going to have social workers go out to mental health calls. Then I didn’t hear or see anymore on that. Now trump has mandatory arrest of homeless and forced treatment. We’re going backwards.

I’m sorry so many are having troubles on here.

Shadow that’s great news!

One of my crowns came out, and it took almost the entire chunk of tooth it was connected to with it. I called the dentist today and they said to call back on Thursday at 7:30am for a Saturday urgent care appointment. They said the appointments get taken up fast so they can’t guarantee I’ll get one so to call immediately at 7:30am Thursday for a chance to get one. I don’t even know what there’s gonna do. There’s not enough tooth left to grab onto it to pull it. Ugh.

I’m just overwhelmed lately due to appointments and events and stuff. I have a physical on Wednesday. Then therapist and psychiatrist next week. Several pharmacy trips which each take like 2 hours per trip. Building events. Possible dentist appointment. Program manager appointment. Two shifts with my volunteer job. And a week long art class I’m looking forward to but now I just want to cancel everything. I’m so sick of it I just want a week where I have literally nothing going on.

My cat Mustachio being mesmerized by the galaxy lighting

Sorry to those of you who are struggling. May things get better for you soon!

I had an aunt and uncle from out of state call me to let me know they'd be passing through my city tomorrow. So, if time allows, I'll visit with them for a little bit. In case they end up coming to my studio, I am doing some cleaning. I had to hide my Harry Potter books because I have a feeling my uncle wouldn't approve. I also need to remember to hide my meds in the morning.

Work was okay today. There's already some frustration/drama over one thing. But, that's not surprising because there were issues with this last year too.

I'd say my mood has been low/flat today.

I heard back from Hospice about my volunteer application. I have to schedule a video or phone interview. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed that my schedule might go from absolutely nothing to do to lots to do practically overnight, but I'll figure out how to manage.

So My pdoc put me on an AD hopefully it helps. I'm not buying it will help he said give it a month. I'm kinda like **** it I don't want meds I only said yes because he's going to go vacation for two weeks at the end of the month. I'm hoping the dog occupies me. H says I don't have to work if I don't want too and just because I get a dog doesn't mean I have to give up the idea of a career but it feels that way. I wish I could just accept my disorders and be okay with it. I know I need the dog, the med, tons of therapy. I don't know why I fight for a better life. I feel H will leave me soon. He says everything is okay but I really don't believe him. I'm not looking forward to therapy tomorrow. I'm pessimistic, quiet and just set a fire on my life buying a dog. but I need another reason to live. My parents were supposed to pick the dog up tomorrow and they're now iffy about it. because they didn't realize it's 1,000 round trip. They make me feel like more of a burden. I cried.

I didn't get sick today for once. I worked out like crazy and ate stuff like flan, rice pudding, and pureed pumpkin. I didn't drink any coffee either. Just a bit of Diet Coke and a liter of water.

I use Gemini now because ChatGPT wants to charge me to upload pictures. But I pissed off Gemini and it said "I am just AI I can't answer that. So now I have to be sneaky with my questions to get the answers I want.

I have therapy tommorow. It was going to be on Thursday but I woke up feeling weird mentally. It seems ok now

A vast majority of mental health crises I have involve handcuffs “just protocol” even if I’m just sad and about to jump off a bridge and the police show before EMS. A couple weeks ago I was with MY MENTAL HEALTH TEAM calming down (I mean, I had taken 60mg of valium over the day and practically sprinted a mile or two just prior) and they cuffed me.

That’s just wrong

Back in the day when I was so over medicated that I’d get out of bed and go walking in my pajamas and bare feet as far as I know they never handcuffed me. They just drove me to the nearest hospital and dropped me off. But I don’t remember it. I wasn’t overdosing I just took my meds as prescribed but I was underweight so they should’ve known better than to prescribe such high doses. But instead of lowering the meds they just blamed ptsd. But the police were decent as far as I know.

Today I had my dental visit. I have a place I knew was a cavity but it turns out I'm probably getting a crown. My dentist is on vacation so I saw another and my dentist will look at it and decide if it's a crown or a filling when he gets back. I feel pretty confident that it will be a crown. I was surprised that was the recommendation but I've not had a crown in a while so I guess it's time. Stupid dry mouth meds. The hygienist even made a point of telling me that my oral hygiene is very good and this is from dry mouth.

Yesterday my smoke detector broke (and blared for 1.25 hours while we tried to figure it out before eventually unplugging it from the house's wiring. So I also went smoke detector shopping today. I was hoping to get the same one that I had so it would be easier to install but they no longer sell that one and honestly the old one had issues. It was nearly impossible to change the battery and so every time the battery needed replaced it would take forever to fix it. Tomorrow is installing the new detector day.

Have a good evening/afternoon!