Bipolar Check-In #92

I told my mom about me eating better and working out and she was all like "thats great however 2 doctors told have told you that you need surgery"

I don't know how to deal with this tonight. I'm glad I have therapy in the mornig. I was going to get blood work done for my kidney doctor next week but I ate pumpkin which I heard can eff up the results. I think he said he wants a 24 hour urine collection. I swear that guy just likes to bill medicare. My kidney functIon has been fine for awhile.

Same could be said for my pdoc who has been treating me since 2018, but hey, it’s no pressure blemish, right?

Could you F*ing contact your pdoc already. F this, f that, f you f me right?

Dissociating and having a panic attack at the moment. Having mental flashbacks and flash forwards if that’s even a thing and just struggling. I feel like my meds are poisoning me. I just took a klonopin. I just feel completely overwhelmed in my life right now

What? Wtf? Is it just me or is MSF going crazy today too? Including me AND any random newbie I never heard of? Oh don’t worry?

Me? Me?

Your askng who I am? Oh, I am a random newbi? I just joined 40 years ago, probably before the internet was born, but don’t worry about it? Just do your job?

Wait? Why is even your grammar suffering now too? Wasn’t the internet just invented yesterday. Probably been there since 1978. Oh, don’t worry about that. I sure you weren’t born yesterday.

Really? Your sure? Sure I am no still a baby. Because I was born in 1978. Wait as there even internet in 1978?

Has the internet been up yesterday? Sorry. I don’t know. I’m still checking my grammar.

Please check your grammar again.

Ok, movin, on now.

Please check your grammar again.

Good. Moving on.

Check your grammar.

Thanks, Nammu, and thank you everyone for.not even worrying about my grammar.

I’m so glad you made it to the AA meeting. That’s wonderful. To me 80’s are hot (which is what they are around here now) but I live in NY so I prefer cooler temps. I like temps around 40-50 degrees.

I bought two cases of orange cream coke the other day and they’re probably gonna last me forever too. I rarely drink soda but I figured I can make a kind of ice cream float out of them occasionally and they’d be good like that.

I haven’t made it back to mass yet, I might see if they have any daily ones coming up and go to one of those because I don’t feel like waiting till Sunday.

I just threw up something that might have looked like poop. Sorry for the tmi. My doctor said get your *** to the closest ER if that happens. But we aren't 100% sure thats what it looks like. So my mom took a picture and will call in the morning. Bur my stomach hurts badly but my BP is fine. I'll take some Tylenol.

Better than before.

I may even be blueberry

Internet fraud control was just invented today sums up my day so far!,,, don’t worry.

It could even be true!

Oh joy! I forgot to take my morning meds, which are stomach meds, so that explains everything! I can’t be forgetting them!

What is happening to us all right now?!

Still suffering shame over my ordeal yesterday at the bar. It's not that the bartender did not want to talk. It's just that he didn't want to talk to ME. He was so warm and effusive with others, i have the sense that he somehow rubbed my face in feces.

What is so wrong about wanting to enjoy good food and drink and some pleasant chatting with a bartender? I feel like i violated some taboo by going out alone. I can't make commitments, so on holiday weekends i end up alone as everyone else has plans.

I guess i'll just have to stay home from now on. Go out Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday, and stay home Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. My city used to have a weekend night-time drop-in but it closed about ten years ago. It was a lot easier then. In Vancouver there was a weekend night-time drop-in.

It doesn't help that i've had to excuse myself from the group in the dog park twice this weekend because it go so rowdy. My threshold for socializing seems a lot lower than others. There's a group at my drop-in who play Euchre. Maybe i'll try that. It seems like pretty low-stress activity.

Longing for the days when i used to be able to sleep to escape. Now i feel like a raw nerve ending almost all the time.

Blueberry I’m worried about you. Is hubby home?

@Blueberrybook I agree with Nammu. You sound like this has really thrown you. Could you call your pdoc tomorrow and explain you couldn't keep meds down for a few days? Maybe there is a change for a few days that might help you get back on track.

Today stunk for me too. Finally got my new bank card but i had to wait by the door for two hours for it. Then hours of updating carp all over the internet. Doing nothing is so freaking exhausting.

I FKING CAN'T!!!!!!!!

THEY'RE FKING IGNORING THE SHYT OUT OF ME!

I'd call my pdoc and she'd probably be like "ohhh you're struggling? OHH YOU FEEL COBWEBS IN YOUR HEAD? Sleep bytch or die, I ain't helping" and reschedule the next ppointment to 2026

Swear to God my CM said I had therapy tomorrow and I GUARANTEE I will show up and wait in that hellhole of ****s for an hour to be told "ohhh, she's not in the office, you don't have an appointment, SORRY WE DIDN'T TELL YOU AN HOUR AGO!"

I'm going to puke on my CMs car if I see it when I get meds tomorrow... no, no... IN HER CAR!

I left a message on their property for them. They better see that shyt. I am done with their policing *** pulling me over for going 3mph over but being NOWHERE IN SIGHT when I'm being raped.... OH WAIT THEY'RE THE RAPISTS

1therapists.... The rapists... Same fking thing

Really thinking of you tonight @Blueberrybook - I hope you get some good sleep tonight since you've been able to keep your meds down. Please keep checking in with us, and talk to your H if you can.

Thinking of you too @MuddyBoots - I hope you're able to get your meds tomorrow and they don't make you wait forever to see someone - I know you're frustrated and pissed off, I would be too.

@Blue_Bird - I missed my daily mass today. They only have it on Mondays - waiting till Sunday feels like forever for me too. Sorry you were dissociating so bad earlier, hope it's okay now. I am really looking forward to our study next week too - I hope things are not too overwhelming for you this week.

@Nammu - Do you ever set alarms for meds? I think you had forgotten them before - I know how daunting the whole meds thing can be - I have gotten into a routine that I need to eat something with my morning meds, and I take my night meds because I need to force myself to sleep, I don't really have room to forget, because one thing is dependent on another. I hope you get some good sleep tonight though!

@JaneOnceMore - I am sorry the bartender was a jerk - like someone else asked, how much was his tip? Because if he wasn't getting tipped for every drink you were ordering, (some are weird like that), or whatever hangup he had, that could have been the cause of this attitude problem. I get the wanting to be social - I need to be around people so I can function - when I stay in the house for too many days, bad thoughts come in.

I had a really great night tonight. I am learning to move away from my guy's behaviors causing me heartache and catasttophes. I am gently building a wall to love him from a distance the way he loves me. Working with my bestie on self-improvement. Legion of Mary meeting is tomorrow and I am looking forward to it.

No no alarms. Just routine. I’ve been taking them for years now all the sudden I keep forgetting. Every morning I go the bathroom, then make myself a latte, then take my meds and check my phone. I’ve got to take my meds without food. I don’t know what the deal is? I’m thinking I need to move them from the table to the counter.

Yeah. Um, @Blueberrybook are you okay? You don't sound so good. I don't understand why your husband would get mad at you for calling your psychiatrist. If I was like the way you are right now my husband would MAKE me call my psychiatrist and my therapist. Why is your family angry with you? I'm sorry you were so sick. That really sucks. I hope you feel better soon. *hugs*

Try taking a rest period. Lay in a dark, cool room and listen to your favorite music with headphones on. Rest periods always helped me when I was hypo.

Word of caution: I had my first psychotic break because of a SAD lamp. I know everyone is different, but SAD lamps really fck me up!

Just got back from my son’s paediatrician. She’s changing his Ritalin to long acting Ritalin so he doesn’t have to take it twice a day. I’m hoping it makes a difference because the short acting Ritalin is simply not lasting.

@Blueberrybook are you okay? How are you feeling now?

Anyway, I'm doing good. Went in today and had the post of my monroe piercing changed because the other one was too tight. Oh sweet relief! I need to get another piercing. But we're playing bill catch up from all the concerts we've went to last month and when I get "paid" instead of getting a piercing I have to stock up on my vapes since they'll be banned in September (only FDA regulated ones won't be, which is like three, and only the tobacco and menthol flavors).

I got a text from my mom this morning out of nowhere, asking how our summer has been so far, and I told her about all the concerts we've been to and she told me about her garden and eventually it evolved into her inviting us over on an afternoon when we're free.

I didn't respond because I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do!!!! I don't want to walk straight into the lions den! And I don't want to invite them out to lunch because right now we're trying to conserve money (again. Too much fun. Bill catch up). My mom is evil and toxic and there's sooooooo much negativity between my parents and I.

Plus they're going to criticize my appearance, and I don't feel like dealing with that.

BUT in the end I decided to make an old lady happy and go over, even if I don't want to.

What I REALLY want to do is ask them if they're disappointed my husband didn't turn out to be a drug abuser who beat me because, you know, that's what ALL tattooed guys who listen to metal music do. 🙄