when Dr.s fail you....

a couple of my doctors have thrown in the towel on me.. they said im too difficult to treat, and they said i belong in a psych hospital...
thats not gonna happen.
i have to take my illness into my own hands...
self medicate... dr hop.....
i know the med regimen im gonna try..
lamictal titrating up 25mg per week, and klonopin 2 times a day, ativan as needed.....
i hope it works cuz i dont have doctors i can trust right now, only one.... he is still in my corner so far, and hopefully he will help me through this...
but first threat of hospitalization, and ill just change primary care doctors, or change health care plans if i have to.
ill hide in my corner, ill do what ive done all this miserable time, but i will not be misguided and manipulated and controlled or involuntarily hospitalized, no matter what!

CC, I'm so sorry. I have to be honest though. I've seen this coming, and have suggested it many times now. You really do have it that bad. It's the most difficult thing in the world to take this step; you feel as though you will lose everything that matters. But in fact, the course you have outlined above is what is going to carry the higher price tag. Please, please reconsider.

how is it that i have it so bad... why cant the Nike slogan apply here to getting better?
am i really that bad?
ok %#@&#! yes im suffering tremendously......but how would a hospital stay help me? ive been to one and it didnt help. psych hospitals dont work and they arent meant for me.
NO
i know what i need...
i need to get my house in order, i need to pay my bills off from manic overspending, i need some meds,i need a man, i need friends, and i need to work close to my house.

so everday im taking meds, today im taking care of the house, next month it will be the bills, my work is willing to get me closer to home (crossing fingers), you guys are my friends, and BOB takes care of my man needs.

see?
im gonna be fine.

Believe me i understand, and I'm not even willing to say I wouldn't do it just like you are if I was you. But from a vantage point of having gained a measure of distance from my worst ravagings of the disorder, I have to say, it's a dangerous thing you face.

As far as what the benefit could be, well that would be a doctor's ability to monitor you closely over a period of time to be able to more agressively seek out the thing that enables you to "begin" to live with this. That's an important word here, "begin." See, its still coming on for you, you aren't neccessarily "peaking" yet. Making the "start" is really hard under those conditions.

Most of us just have to start with more reliance on help, ie: hospital, drs, meds etc., than we might keep in place later on. But in the beginning, you don't even know what you're fighting.

But, CC, I'm not like gonna turn my back on ya or nothin. You sound real determined. That's good, cuz you're going to need to be.

TC and keep talking, K?

Jen, I know you well enough to know that nothing I can say will change your mind so I won't try. There's nothing like a mother's fear of loosing her children. I will however remind you of my experience with not putting myself in the hospital. You may VERY well be stronger than I was then. Whatever you decide to do, I've always got you back... I'll never turn on you. Be safe... be good. Much love.

Ryan

The choice is yours. . . you can voluntarily go to the hospital, get the typical 10 day treatment and then go forward with your life, or you can continue to resist treatment and be miserable.
Like a former psychologist said, I have the choice, I am free to make choices and also deal with the various outcome.
It is all up to you and what you want in your heart, only you can make the final decision.
I balked at treatment, but in time I realized I wouldn't progress alone, so I swallowed my pride and chose on my own to be evaluated, medicated and observed, then finally I was released, on my own, and followed through with weekly, then monthly appts. Results. . . I did progress, and now I am hardly on any meds with the pdoc's monitoring.
The majority of docs do not fail us, we fail ourselves, we can make the choice(s).
It's up to you.

Please take care and try to keep an open mind.



DE

ccl, By your own admission you have said that you aren't honest with your doctors. You go to one doctor for each symptom, I think that's what you said before. You need to have one doctor for everything and be completely honest with what's going on. Self-medicating is not the answer. You've said you have psychotic features but I don't see an anti-psychotic in your list of self medicating. I think you need to be completely honest with the doctor you do have, and I hope that is a pdoc and not a GP. I feel the same way about being hospitalized but even I went to one last week for evaluation to see whether admission was the right thing for me, they said not. I really think if you're going to one pdoc and you're completely honest with him/her and stop self-medicating that you'll have a far better chance at feeling better.

Like others have previously said, I don't think what I say is going to change your mind cuz this is not the first time I've given you this advice.

Whatever you do, I'll be here to support you but I just wish you'd stop fighting this so that you can get the proper care so that you can begin to feel better. Keep posting. (((((((ccl)))))))))

ya, i guess you guys must all be right... i must be the one who doesnt even know myself...
sure! as if...
I dont want to get better
i am failing myself, blah blah blah.

give me a %#@&#! break!
so now we are blaming the person for the illness?
its up to me to decide to get better and i guess you guys beleive in the nike slogan too (just do it)
really?!
if you were inside my mind you would see the one who is in control... it isnt me... it is something much more sinister inside that keeps me from getting better... i believe they call it "mental illness" ...,
and if you knew a tiny little sliver about me or knew me as a person you would see very clearly that i am trying as hard as i %#@&#! can to fight this and to get better....
i am intelligent enough, however, to know when a doctor is not doing what is right for me.

Jen, I'm hurt... I do know you... at least I think I do. And I try my best to understand. I know the numerous meds you have been prescribed. The plan you told to me seems to be good. Somehow I read more into this post than I should have and I'm sorry. Please do good for yourself... as I know you will. Much love and the deepest respect...

Ryan

speechless

Hi CC, I'm having a little trouble connecting your response to what was expressed by your comrades here. But I'm not always the sharpest tool in the shed. But I do see that virtually everyone is sticking with you. How cool is that?

I'm just hearing people being honest in their expression of concern. None of us can really avoid projecting some of our own experiences onto that concern. Just comes out like it does, and we hear it differently at different times.

So how is today going?

Please keep talking. That's not too much. We're sticking with you; be sure to stick with us, K?

CCL when your in "psychotic" frame is it an alter taking over, if so ppl have to understand multiples CAN'T be medicated for that state , hope Im making since.
Laura

No one said they are blaming you for your illness, scientists have found it to be genetic in about 99% of people. There are various degrees of this illness that can be treated, what I stress to all, including myself (I am bipolar also) is to keep with treatment, if a med fails, a good pdoc will have you try new or different ones.
It is time to change pdocs when a person has honestly followed all directions, even hospitalization and has found no improvment. There is no miracle cure, one has to commit to following the course of treatment without any deviation.
I understand fully how you feel right now, I've been there, and I also felt in the begining of my illness, meds., etc.
that the pdoc and therapist were full of crap, as time went on I realized they were right, and I continued with treatment. I must say that while seeing my present and a drop to visit my former pdoc, I felt I wanted another pdoc's
opinion, due to the fact I still needed convincing that they were right, and their recommended meds were right, the conclusion was that they were right about the DX and suggested meds. I had different ones tried, but my final med has been successful. What I am saying is do not give up, remember you are worth giving yourself the chance to heal, unfortunately it just doesn't happen over nite.
My brother took 7 to 8 years to heal, it has been 33 years now that he has been in total remission and takes maintenance (sp?) meds.
I think it would be in your best interest to listen to some of us here and hold back on being on the defense, there are many people here that care about you and are able to share their experiences and/or their support.
Please take care,

DE

darkeyes,
i have been prescribed many regimens and i HAVE tried them all....
lemme give you examples....
---->serax alone (too depressed)
---->temazepam and serax for mania (too depressed)
---> zoloft for downs combined with serax and temazepam for ups.... tried it for a few months (didnt work, actually worsened it)
---> depakote alone... tried it for as long as i could(made me bulemic again, cutting again, suicidal)
---> depakote with other meds such as serax (same thing)
---> zyprexa (made me deathly ill and they pulled me off it for suspicion of kidney distress)
---->lamictal alone ... took it for a week then tried to commit suicide
---->lamictal with klonopin (worked until another doc swithed it)
----> depakote and ativan (same thing as previous exp with depakote)
----> lithium (took one, extreme paranoia set in and sinister alter ego made me throw it all up)
*now i have my own ideas*
to just go back to the lamictal/klonopin combo and throw in ativan for anxiety.... going to my fav doc as soon as he's there to get an antipsychotic....

problem with me trusting doctors and i feel they fail me is because they switch my meds as often as i switch my moods. and there is one doc i am honest with because he never threatens hospitalization.. he knows a lot about bipolar disorder, but also does internal med and is very busy....

so i was very offended when you said i wasnt trying...
i am trying. its all i do. every minute of everyday, try to focus and try to maintain my life and research meds and this disorder.. which mine is "severe bipolar 1 with psychosis". and it has been diagnosed this way by at least 3 docs. (and if youve read my posts you know its true)

not trying to fight with you at all...
and im trying to give you an understanding of my situation
we just dont agree... is that so bad?

nothemama8
as i become psychotic, i hallucinate and hear my name being called, i become paranoid, and delusional..... i become aware of something inside, it takes the form of another me, and she is extremely sinister, she moves toward a switch in my head and when she flips the switch i space out.. and then suddenly i am looking at the world from inside myself and i am unable to control her actions ...... she is in control of me and i am aware of her... i dont think she is aware of me at all but i dont know what she thinks at this very moment...
i called her mayhem in the forums before cuz thats what she causes....
but my doctor said it is part of my bipolar disorder.

sqrlb8,
i did not realize you guys were trying to help...
seemed much like a big conspiracy to me.
i try to see it as helpful, but the paranoia wont allow me to trust sometimes.
i hope you'll stick by me, i know im a lot to deal with.

Okay,I get your point, and I'm not looking for any arguments either, really I am not.
Keep in mind there is still hope, don't give up, even though I know how many of the meds. you mention can have nasty to mild side effects. I myself could write a list of all the various meds that were used,some are on your list but not all, and wow, some with nasty effects too.

My main and final point is don't give up on yourself and/or pdocs, I am praying you get to the pdoc you feel most confident with, that is so important.
Life can be a nice place. . .5 yrs ago I would of said that is untrue, when I first melted down.
Just hang in there, you are worth it

Please take care now,

DE

Not to worry, sticking. It's something to try to remember though when it gets jangly inside, that we're trying to at least funtion as guard rails for you. lol. Hopefully we can try to avoid careening over some of the steepest cliffs? Me and my metaphors. Sqrls try so hard to be understood.

One parting shot to the idea of a psych central conspiracy of any kind: ROTFL Not sure we could get a consensus on the shape of the earth here sometimes, much less manage to .... well, puhleeze.

Are you back at work these days or not yet? Do the dishes today? What helps you from me?

We're sticking with ya CCL
Angie

i have been off work since friday...
today i feel better.... maybe its spontaneous, maybe its my new med combo ive created.... (lamictal, klonopin and ativan)
called my doc and he added zoloft to ward off the suicidal depression that should be approaching very soon... and asap i need to see him for an antipsychotic that doesnt make me sick.

but i cleaned my whole house today, repainted my patio table, and even returned some videos that were 2 months overdue... got the kids to school on time everyday this week too!

so as far as what helps... i really dont know yet.
i have been hanging out with people in real life, at a pool hall. the human interaction might be whats helping me.... along with these meds.... that and hot sauce

I'm glad things are looking a little more positive for you now. That's quite the productive day you had. Congrats to you!!! Whatever is working, I hope it continues. (((((((((((ccl)))))))))