Possible Borderline Personality?

Hi,

I'm new here and would like to get anyone's opinion on this. I have suspected that I may have Borderline Personality Disorder but cannot seem to bring myself in to get checked. I have all the traits of Borderline but the one that is really driving me nut's is the feeling that I'm going to be let alone. To give an example, I have an online friend I talk to everyday, but if she has to leave just for a second I get right worried that she's not coming back and is leaving me for someone else. Or if she stops talking for any amount of time I start to obsess about why this is happening and I get a real sick feeling deep inside me. I don't know how to stop it, it happens with anyone I talk to, even if I just meet them for the first time. but I just end up pushing them away by it.

And I took the "Your Sanity Score" test but have no idea what it means because it say's I have 12 serious concerns, and I don't know what the number is for. Could anyone tell me what any of it means?

Your Sanity Score

185

It say my 12 serious concerns are:

General Coping
Depression
Anxiety
Phobias
Self-Esteem
Eating Disorder
Schizophrenia
Mania & Bipolar Disorder
Technology Issues
Obsessions & Compulsions
Posttraumatic Stress Disorder
Borderline Traits

And 4 milder concerns

Thanks
Jay

Jay S, Hi and welcome!!! Glad you found us.......

Okay, what other types of behaviours have you noticed that are different/not usual for you or escalating in intensity? You mention a situation where you feel intense abandonment and separation anxiety. This could also be indicative of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and other personality disorders. have you had a triggering event lately? End of a relationship, loss of a job, money problems, a death?

What made you feel that there was something wrong? Sorry for all the questions......it is just a baseline.....

Sweetie, It would be negligent of me to help dx you. Borderline is one of the most complex mental illnesses to dx. You need a good team of professionals to give you a correct dx. If you are misdx, you can spend years pushing mud uphill and wondering why you are not getting better......very dangerous. It took 13 weeks to dx me......with personality testing and a stint in hospital with round the clock therapy and monitoring and I was considered "textbook" borderline. I fit all the criteria.......still took that long though.

As for the Sanity Quiz, be careful how much you interpret from this......not saying it is not an effective tool, but I am generally suspicious of testing without a competent professional to help analyse the data.

Sorry, but I think you will need to take the bull by the horns and start searching for a Therapist. It is the only way you are going to know for sure. we all know how hard it is to make that decision. It is terrifying. We can support you through the process, but you need a T to help you feel better. You have taken a big step alraedy in coming here, so keep the momentum going and get the help you need......You are on the right path!!

We are here.......

Hi Michah,

Thanks for the reply.

If it makes any difference, I'm male, turning 31 in August and have had these feelings for about 6 years. My other behaviors include sudden mood changes, sudden urges to cry as well as always feeling worthless and empty, I think about death all the time and have thought of suicide many times and sometimes cause self inflicted injuries.

Nothing has happened to trigger anything, that's the way I always feel night and day. And nothing made me feel that there was something wrong when I was talking to her, it just happens all the time, I feel like I'm being left alone.

I know I need a therapist but I'm afraid if I see one and I do have something wrong, it will make my life worse somehow.

Thanks for the support.

Okay, you have noticed these "symptoms" for the last 6 years........what happened before then? How was your childhood? Is there a family history of personality disorders or other mental illness? This are the things that will come up with a therapist. Your self-harm, suicidal ideation, mood swings, depressive pathology and the like ARE indicative of a personality disorder, namely Borderline, but without knowing the rate of your mood swings or the lengths of your depressive episodes, that could also be features of rapid cycling Bipolar. This is where dx by T is paramount. In order to get the help you need, you cannot fly blind because the treatment and pathology of these illnesses is quite different although mimic in behaviour.

In saying that, my mood swings were so extreme for a few years that I was treated with Bipolar medication, lithium and olanzapine and i found they worked a treat. They are not for everybody with this disorder.

Therapy is TERRIFYING. I don't think anyone will deny that. But if you want to improve the quality of your life and feel better long term, you kinda got to get worse before you get better. You need the impartiality and therapeutic skills of a professional to get over the humps. There is no denying, you will feel worse initially.......the T will bring up things you DO NOT want to talk about. It is a unique and unquantifiable process, but if the T is worth their salt, the outcome of the process will be truly rewarding. So instead of living with an unpredictable dangerous animal, you will learn to "tame" it, be at peace with it, understand it for what it REALLY is........therapy with a good T is priceless.

I fought with my first T all the time.......I used to call her names, storm out mid-session, get removed by burly nurses. I was extremely violent for a long time but she put up with me all those years. She saved my life. Whenever I think of her I feel weak with humility at how much she risked physically treating me and that she never gave up trying to help me and I pushed her SO hard. I accused her of conspiring with the police to catch me( I was a criminal), I accused her constantly of hating me and that it was her "duty" to treat me, I used to call her incompetent, stupid, unreliable. In hindsight she did NOT deserve to be treated that way, but that was the nature of the Borderline beast. I have paid many karmic dues for the way I treated her. Like I said, I owe her my life.

Get the help you need, suck up that fear and work towards getting better......you have started the momentum already by identifying that you have a problem. You have overcome the hardest step in the process already by talking on here and knowing that you are afraid........there is nothing wrong with fear......it is what you do with it that counts.....

You will always have support here......now get out there and get some healing!!. You DESERVE to feel better......

Hi and welcome

I experience this too!! Even when the person I'm talking to and I say we are going to go offline in a few minutes, I still react with an intense feeling of having been rejected/abandoned. I know it's just my reaction and not true, but the intense feelings are there anyway. This is such a classic example of BPD, to me. I know something logically but I still feel it... illogicallly I guess.

Hello Jay!

Welcome to PC! Jay the best decision I ever made was to see a therapist.
Over the years I have been v. fortunate to work with many therapists. A therapist is like a GPS in a car (LOL)! Therapists will help & guide you through your life's journey! Ts show us maps of Life, short-cuts, helping us w/ detours, & steering us around bumps & hazards in the road, especially when the storms & hurricanes hit (we need bumps to keep our trip interesting)! Therapists are there for you.

A therapist will help you with skills & strategies to cope w/ your list of concerns & other areas. Therapists show you direction, & guide you to live your best life. So far I've had an awesome journey. IMHO, therapy is an exciting adventure!!!!

Lots of Love,
Holmes

Michah,

I think I always had the these symptoms, it's just that they have been getting stronger and stronger. And my childhood was bad enough that I don't like to think about it....ever.

Both my grandmother and mother were committed to the "nut house" for mental illness many years ago, but I have no way of finding out what they had or where they are now, no one will tell me anything.

As for my mood swings, I could be all happy but say if you said something, it doesn't matter what, My mood go's from happy to mad or sad in a split second and I stop talking and get all suspicious on you. I can't seem to control it, it's like someone else is behind the wheel and I'm just along for the show.

I know I need a T badly, but It's not only the thought of what he/she will tell me, It's worrying about what other people will say about me seeing one, I have very low self esteem as it is.

We all live with big demons don't we? It is infinitley sad.......I am sorry to hear about your family......without a reliable guide and a soft pillow(metaphorically speaking), growing up would have been a VERY difficult time for you......I think you will find that most of us grew up with little of any of the good stuff as well......you are not alone, sweetie.

As for not being the driver of your out of control moods, you CAN learn how to take back the wheel, but you will need help......there is no denying.

We all have low self-esteem at some point......I wondered if I would ever love myself, even just a little bit. I hated myself so much, for so many years that I thought i might die from the weight of loathing and self-flagellation........but you can rise above it, but again, help in this case is invaluable. I could NOT have done it on my own. I would be dead or in jail for sure. Please read a thread I wrote a little while ago on here called "borderline Pride". It is a little ode to my nastiest friend.......

You are doing well......keep going.......have faith in the process.....

Michah,

Thank you for the help.... although I think I'll just forget about all this stuff, it doesn't matter anyway.

Okay babe, I respect your decision.......I cannot force you to get help. It must be your own process.......we are always here and will always welcome you when you are ready with a soft pillow and a cup of tea!.

In the meantime, you have a responsibility to stay safe......do not lose you. We are all TOO important.......

In stillness.......

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be”Taoist proverb

I have and I'm not sure I want to find myself.

Do you really think I have severe case of transference?

Okay, JayS, I feel i may have overstepped the mark here.......I am not a therapist and used the term as a loose expression of what I THINK you might be experiencing, not what I KNOW. Sweetie, I am so, so sorry. i did not want you to take it seriously in the context of psychotherapy, more I felt that that expression may bring you part of the answer to how you are feeling from a laypersons point of view.

I was using it it terms of MY understanding of what transference means from having many years of therapy and the reason it was brought up in therapy so often is because I was constantly doing it. I will supply a link on the meaning of it and you can make up your own mind about what you think. Sometimes I can be more honest than what is appropriate.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transference

I am so sorry if I hurt your feelings or made you feel "victimised" by this very impersonal term. You are intitled to feel how you like, no one can judge you, I guess I just saw you suffering and it broke a little bit of me.....I mentioned this with the greatest of intentions.

Please forgive my indiscretions.......

Michah,

I'm not blaming you for anything and you did not hurt my feelings so no worries there, I'm really glad you brought it up... it very well could be happening, I just can't tell if it is or not though.

And I would rather you be more honest with me than what is appropriate.

Cheers, thanks babe.......phew!! I was a bit worried there!! sometimes the limits of technology in expressing myself in the RIGHT way......The problem with transference is that you really need a trained professional to help you analyse it(back to the therapist again!! Sorry). Transference, or the acknowledgement of, can be a very painful process. I am not qualified to navigate you through this treacherous terrain, however I can support you in your decisions and have open discussions about how you feel......as far as getting into the nitty gritty of psychological interpretation, I have to be very careful here. The wrong information can be just as dangerous as no information.......so bare with me if you can and please understand my therapeutic boundaries. I am not being openly dismissive.

As for my Taoist quote, I know you do not want to find yourself, but inevitably, you are already on the path......and as terrifying and as bottomless as you feel.......it will eventually lead to freedom, freedom of self. It is not about whether you want to hear it or not......you only gain something FROM something if you are READY to hear it. No expectations sweetie........trust your process, and I say again, stay alive!!!

Jay, some of your symptoms do sound like BPD, like reactive moods, and concern about abandonment. But they could also be depression, PTSD, anxiety, other personality disorders, .... One thing that helps to tell the difference is what you do when you are afraid of abandonment, or someone says something and your mood plummets. Your behaviors make a difference.

Ultimately, it can feel comforting to have more understanding of what you might have, but a diagnosis is only really good for helping you to get appropriate treatment. You have said you aren't really interested in therapy. Consider this a gentle nudge, then. Anybody would have symptoms like you do after what you have been through. As children, we develop ways to survive and to cope. Those same things often become problems when we aren't living in that environment anymore, but it's what you know. Change isn't easy, but these things are treatable. Getting started getting help is scary and hard, but it's easier than living with these demons or trying to understand and change on your own.

Rapunzel,

Thank you...

I really do want therapy, honesty. But I know I don't want to relive everything again... so the thought of going gives me the shakes to where I feel like falling on the ground.

I want the help, I just don't know how to force myself into getting it.

Then just go for help with the symptoms you have now. A competent therapist is not going to expect you to relive everything when you are not ready, and you get to say when or if you ever are ready. You can stop at any time. You have the control.

With some of the experiences I've read on here from others, it seems therapist's cause more pain then healing.

"If" I was able to go see one, how would I know if they are any good? Because I don't want to end up with one that really doesn't care, I want them to be there when I need them.

It can take more than one try, even lots of tries, to find the right therapist for you. I'm on my 8th one, and there are times I'm mad at her. But I am still seeing her after almost 5 years now. She understands me. And she cares.

If you are able to get a referral from someone who knows a good therapist, that's a good way to start. But they still might not be the best for you. You can also interview several therapists, and go with the one you feel the best about. You do have the right to make some choices. That was something I didn't understand before.

Rapunzel,

I'm happy you found someone you like.

As for me... I'll try and see one, I just hope I don't get to attached to them like I do with everyone after only a few hours of talking to them, I don't like it when that happens.

I hope you find someone you like too.

On the Sanity Score, it tells you your areas but it also gives you a number next to each one, like a bar graph - did you see that? The higher numbers are your biggest areas.

It took me several years to force myself into therapy, but I'm glad I did it. I do understand how hard it is to make that step. But make it. It is so worth it.

You may want to call around or check online to see which therapists in your area treat Borderline or maybe find one that specializes in personality disorders. If you don't like the first one, keep trying. Find someone you like working with.