It is time....

Sorry for the length but I think it's necessary to fully explain myself. Those of you who've been here for a while know my story, but we have a lot of new people so I'm briefly going to go through it again.

When I was a teenager and in my early twenties, I had every trait of BPD but didn't know what it was. Mental illness was severely shunned in my family and I convinced myself that the way I acted and behaved was within the normal range. I did everything that was BPD. I have several rocky relationships, I fought with my husband and did the entire pull/push/clinginess/manipulation stuff with him for over ten years before things settled down. I lost several friends in college who decided they'd had enough of me and left. I SI's and attempted to commit suicide. It was all there.

Then in my mid to late twenties it started settling down. I was in a stable relationship and anyone who could have possibly been a friend was violently pushed away before any of the BPD stuff could regain control. It wasn't perfect. I started comtemplating suicide again not long after my son was born, I had major anxiety and disassociated at work for a while, and I lost my best friend when I pushed away one time too many, but things were better overall. I was able to cope for the most part. I had more problems when my dad died and my mom turned me in to the blacksheep of the family but I was even able to get over than in relatively short order.

Then, about a year ago, without going in to the detail again, I allowed myself to get involved in a friendship. The first one since college. Everything in an extremely short amount of time came out. Every single trait reemerged in extremely short order. I lost control very fast, and needless to say, it didn't end well. I manipulated and pushed/pulled too much and was left. Despite that, one good thing came out of it. I discovered BPD. I was shown the 9 traits by my friend. My mouth probably opened wide at my discovery. Every single trait, without exception, fit like a glove. It was me. There was no way I could deny it. My mind, however, rebelled. How could I have a MH disorder? How could I see a therapist or get help? It was against everything I was raised with. My problems, however, continued to build and I couldn't deny it though it took me a while to fully accept it.

About two months before we moved, I had a total, complete breakdown at work and no longer had a choice. I had to try to get help. I went to a MH counselor/psychiatrist and was given Xanax for the anxiety. Maybe I approached them the wrong way, but I didn't realize it at the time. I told them that I wanted to be tested and evaluated for BPD. I was told that they would only label me under extreme conditions because "it is almost impossible to treat". I knew that in order to have successful treatment for anything, plus I was still losing it from even going, that you had to go for a while to build up a patient/doctor relationship, and we were getting ready to move. There was no time. I saw them another time or two and let it go at that.

In the meantime, I attempted to gain support from my husband. I CAN'T talk about it...at all. I did a little the first time and when I was discounted, I decided to write it out. I wrote a long note that took me about a week, off and on, to write. I showed my husband the traits of BPD. I told him, gave him specific examples of how each trait applied to me....and he completely invalidated me. He told me flat out that "anyone can have BPD depending on how you interpret the traits". I can't talk to him about it at all now. A month or so ago, I was very upset and mentioned it and he said, "but you wrote that note months ago." I guess all the problems disappeared without me being aware of it.

Well, we moved. My reason for leaving was way different than my husband's but he left the ultimate decision to me and I chose to go. I had to. The abandonment feelings had come to a complete head and I was irrational and very impulsive. I was certain that if I stayed I'd end up being arrested. I left. A few weeks before we left, I discovered PC, and talking to everyone on here helped cement my thoughts about BPD even more, and help me cope a bit better.

I was hoping once I was out of the area my mind would settle back down; that I'd once again learn how to cope, but I don't see that happening. It's not going away. I've been trying to practice meditation and get involved in DBT, but I have no support. I basically work on it is silence, scared that if I'm discovered I'm just going to be invalidated again. I basically have to suffer and attempt to help myself in silence. No one gets it on the homefront. I need support. PC has been a great support, but it can't help me solve the problem, and I'm willing to work my *ss on it, but I need someone to believe me, acknowledge that I have problems so I can feel a little supported at home. The only way that might happen is to get officially diagnosed.

We don't have insurance and our income is too much to apply for any kind of assistance. There's a clinic in the phone book that does free evaluations, but there are so many who won't even look at BPD or who refuse to consider BPD as a possibility. I'd like it to be completely objective with me not saying a word before the evaluation, but I'm also scared to get someone who won't even consider it. I can probably put forth a little bit of money for an evaluation, but at the present time, I can't afford full or even part time counselling or therapy. I just want to be fairly and completely evaluated and then maybe try to find a support group or DBT class I can enroll in. The thing I need more than anything else, though, is support at home. For someone to believe me, and that won't happen without being evaluated. Even then it may not happen. My husband had a few bad experiences with counselors growing up, but it's worth a try. I can't suffer in silence anymore.

If anyone can offer any suggestions on how to procede or where I might be able to go, please do so. I know a lot of you were misdiagnosed or passed around before you got a diagnosis, and I also know quite a few of you have not yet been diagnosed for various reasons. I just want to try to do this right. I really have no doubts. I've never been more at home than I have with you guys. Your stories and problems are mine to a key, but that stupid little piece of paper that says it in writing may make a gigantic difference. I have to have some support at home.

It's so hard to do it alone.

I know.

I am going to a new place (doctor's/hospital) and I hate being in the closet.

I really wish I could point you somewhere.

But I relate strongly. I even have a fantasy of starting bpd anonymous somewhere. lol

We both deserve help at home.

Carol

I know my request was a hard one. No one has answers. I understand. But I want to thank you for your hugs and show of support. I'll keep you updated with my progress. And Carol, thank you for your kind words. I've been so wanting to pull away from here lately. I don't know how to deal with your friendships. I feel like I should be alone. Relationships, even virtual ones make me feel uneasy and fill me with unworthiness and anxiety, but you're the only friends I have and I am very grateful to have you.

Mara, you've been there for me so much, but you know that I don't have it in me to give you the eloquent, supportive, and insightful response you deserve. Just know you're my friend and I care about you, very much. I wish you the best with absolutely everything: you aren't alone.

Update.....I was able to make some phone calls yesterday and I found a counseling/ psychiatric group with at least one member who claims to be knowledgeable when it cones to working with people with BPD who are willing to evaluate/diagnose a self-paid person on their first visit. They are a bit pricey, but the price seems reasonable if they are truely willing to do all of that the first time I walk in the door.

I'm currently in a good frame of time. You know, the one that you convince yourself that the worst is over and you can cope now. I know it's only a state of mind and it can go as fast as it comes, particularly since I had a major temper tantrum and broke down while shopping yesterday, but it's still a nice pipe dream albeit only in passing. I have told myself the next tine I succumb and start sinking in to the depths of despair, that I'll make the call to set the appointment. In the meantime, I'll enjoy the little temporary illusion I have going that I'll be alright and see just how long I can make the illusion last.

Set the appointment. I wouldn't wait, if you can. I was just going to suggest looking around for those that specialize either in personality disorders or bpd itself but you've found one. Don't remain in denial and think in the moment you're ok so it will last and last. You and I both already know that it doesn't. It can but not without help and as much as anyone else here, you need it! Talking it out helps on PC forums but it's just not enough you know? Get that help, it will be worth every penny.

I'm with s4ndm4n2006. Call and make the appointment. Get your answer. Having an answer could be your Christmas gift to yourself.

I've heard too many horror stories about misdiagnosis and deceit, whether intentional or not, on behalf of therapists to take my chances with getting someone who doesn't know BPD or is not willing to consider it as a possibility. I've done a gigantic amount of research on all of this, as you also already know, and I know I'm trying to fool myself that it's suddenly disappeared. I just have a gigantic, illogical, completely ingrained phobia about this entire thing. Not of getting diagnosed itself but of seeing a therapist, admitting I can't do it alone. My family would highly disapprove and it goes against everything I was brought up to believe, as faulty as that thinking may be.....and I can't talk. This is very, very difficult to do though I know it is completely right. I'll call today or tomorrow.....do what I can. Thank you for your support.

'Tis genuinely sad. Just thinking about it is enough to get my anxiety level way up; I can let this defeat me, though. Gotta do this....

Called.....the particular therapist I want to see isn't taking new patients but the receptionist said she can probably get me in but it has to be okay'ed. Told her anytime next week or right after the New Year's would be okay. Waiting for a call back. Trying.....that's all I can do, right?

Good deal. I'm glad you called

I hope they can fit you in.

Aww I don't have no great advice, but want you to know your always in my thoughts and I think your amazing and great support.

And I wish I had something more comforting to say. Cos you deserve it ((hugs))

Look...

My doctor doesn't think I have the diagnose either he says I have traits. I know what I am... Hell..I'm the creator of the original "You know your borderline when..." thread. I can't sustain relationships in real life and apparently not on the cyber world either. I have a short shelf life. But here is the thing, you don't need a psychiatrist to label you in order to get help. And DBT is a good form of counseling but it's not for everyone. You could end up in a group with some borderline bit*hs and get worse. Seek free individual counseling for your depression and anxiety and the therapist will work with you on issues because that's all the traits are, issues.

I'm not seeking diagnosis for treatment though it may come to that down the line. I am seeking it for one reason only: support at home. I can't talk about it...I attempted to write a long diatribe showing how every single trait fit with specific examples and was completely discounted, invalidated, whatever your favorite word is. I tried giving him reading material that was placed aside and never touched. I'm also working on home treatments, DBT, meditation and such but I feel like I need to slink and sneak around because my husband looks at meditation as something to be made fun of and now I'm paranoid about it. I can't do this without any help, or at least a minimal amount of understanding anymore. Money is too tight for ongoing therapy right now but I can afford this and if it will help gain that understanding or at least the willingness to read and learn, it will be infinitely worth it. And also, I don't qualify for any "free help"...I make too much money. I guess working an average of 50+ hours a week was good for something.

It's too bad your husband is so invalidating.Meditate whenever he isn't at home.

Have an appointment scheduled January 2nd. We'll see how it goes. Now I just have to steel myself to actually go!

You can do it, I know you can.

I agree: you can do it!

Hi Mara i'm a bit late in reading this but i am now! the most meaningful advice i can give you is get diagnosed and DO IT FOR YOURSELF!! you are on the way so please keep trying !! A proper diagnosis will i'm positive make you feel better in yourself, hang in there kiddo!!

I don't know about the steel thing Mara ,it sounds so cold and unfeeling (which we know you are not)!, You don't need to "gets the guts up to go" you need to change that feeling to "isn't it wonderful hey, someone who actually knows how to diagnose BPD is finally going to see me "what a relief" "iv'e been waiting for sooo long, it's finally happening, i'm going to feel so much better"!!! 2013 is going to be my lucky year, finally i get to do it!!! and you CAN and you WILL do it ok!!
get the diagnosis first and foremost mate, only then will you be able to think about starting to tackle the home support angle!!!!

I was raised to have an ingrained, deep-rooted fear and distrust of therapists which I've worked very hard at getting over to do this. I know I can't do this on my own, particularly with no support at home. I want things to change more than anything and I really hope this is the first step to get there. I'm hoping for a new year where I can fight this and make some real ground and this is where it begins, but it's a very, very hard step to take. Everything in me is telling me to run, but I'm not. I know I have to do this.

I admire your self-knowledge and your determination!

It has taken almost a year of being on a constant, non-stop roller coaster and moving 2,600 miles to get to this point. I've gone through the denial, the tears, and everything in between. If I ever hope to get better, I have no choices left. Thank you for everyone's kind words, though. It has helped tremendously. I'll let you know what happens.

Thank you for your message first off. Your words fit mine exactly. I just found out how to get free counseling only because I have no income. I wish I could help you, because I was in the same situation you were before I lost my excellent paying job. I lost lots of jobs, many relationships I tried so hard to be in, and my self image (which I never feel like I have had). Where do I start? I am so confused, I'm just on a waiting list to get help. Time is ticking and wasting for me. I feel alone most of the time on this issue of mine. I feel better coming to this site but what am I going to do after I get off this site. All I seem to do is read about my disorder and I have no money to pay for counseling, my bills, or even take care of my basic needs. I have to say I have a lot of thoughts in my mine and I feel I am going in the right direction and I am glad there is support here for me. Thank you and ever one else for sharing that there is hope.

I am just learning how this site works and found out how to reply.

Mraas, there are a few things you can work on in the meantime. Work on meditation as well a DBT. They both essentially try to get you to do the same thing: to focus on the here and now, the present, and not focus on the past or worry about the future since there's nothing we can do about them. It is not a cure-all and it requires a lot of work, but it can offer some relief. There is a free DBT class offered by Yahoo at http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/dbtclass/ and a website that can help: www.dbtselfhelp.com. PC also offers a DBT chat on Saturdays and there are social groups for both meditation and DBT on this site. I know that's extremely, extremely easy to feel completely helpless and not do a thing, but there are some things you can at least work on...and it will help with the work. Good luck to you.