Fantasizing about tragedy

I'm not sure if this is related to my BPD but honestly, it's got BPD written all over it. This is something I've never told anyone before because it's extremely embarrassing and makes me feel like a monster. I feel safe here though so I thought I'd see if anyone else has done this.
Okay, so often I like fantasize about horrible things happening to me so that people will take care of me. I go into these little worlds in my head and imagine I get raped, or mugged, or hit by a car. Not enough to kill me, but hurt me bad enough that every one is worried about me. The fantasies are incredibly detailed including conversations and different settings where my tragedy strikes different people. I know in my head that I'm horrible for thinking these things, what an attention ***** I am, but I just can't help it. The thought of being hurt so every one wants to look out for me and love me and wait on me is EXCITING to me. I feel guilt every time I go into these little worlds in my head. I feel guilt because sometimes walking down a dark street I almost WISH that the guy behind me will hurt me. I'm a monster, I know. I'm really horrible sometimes..

I have something similar. Normally it's imagining people have died and I'm distraught over it. And everyone hugs me and looks after me. I play out the whole scenario and conversations in my head too.

You're not a monster

Clearly everyone else thinks I'm a monster..

I think its just a quiet day...

I don't think you are a monster. I've had similar thoughts back a few years ago when I was in a lonely time in my life.

I don't have those kind of thoughts but I do have different kind of thoughts in my virtual world I create with many characters and I can be any thing I want. Usually I am a mob boss and we kill people, I have close allies my right hand man and my left hand man who is a woman. Another story I play is set in the future and I am 20% human and 80% alien. And we manufacturer androids for humans making them 50% android and 50% human. It's a lucrative business but we (aliens) have to deal with lobbyists and government officials looking to close down or operations and ban us from Earth. Both of these stories I play on a regular basis. The mob boss during the day and the alien at nite. So I would be the last person to say there is any thing wrong with you

Atomicc - I can't say that I have done that as an adult. However, as a child I would purposely exaggerate things for attention, and other NON's do as well. There is rumors that they are going to change BPD to IED, Intense Emotion Disorder, or something like that (which seems more fitting). So it makes sense, you want attention in intense ways to get more of a reaction. Maybe the extreme lengths for attention is BPDish. But, people/grown adults do all sorts of things for attention, you see it all the time. We all know some "drama queens" don't we? So as you can see, it's really not all that different.

Hmm I suppose. I'm not a child though. And I've heard that about bpd as well. I think borderline was always just a place holder name.

You're not a child, and posting this topic shows lots of courage. I'm proud of you for doing it. And if you ask me, I really don't think these thoughts are all that wierd. I've had stranger thoughts, trust me. Can we really control thoughts that pop into our heads? I can't. But I can choose how I respond to them. I'll tell you a thought I had when I was 19 that I've never told anyone until now... I was drinking with some friends, and I was standing behind someone on a cliff, and a quick thought popped into my head to push him off... Pretty creepy, right!? I thought it was too. And just thinking about it now gives me the creeps.

Unfortunately my life is plagued by thoughts even worse than that. Stabbing classmates in the eye with a pen, slashing peoples faces...but that's because I have ocd. I avoid large crowds because I'm afraid I will actually hurt someone. These are different though, but I appreciate all you said. I also applaud your courage for opening up to me.

I do this sometimes, usually I think about killing myself so that everyone will feel sad and sorry for me. But there have been times where I'd be sitting outside smoking a cigarette at my ex's house and I'd fantasize about someone coming and raping me violently and my ex coming to my rescue but I'd still have to go to the hospital.. and yeah I guess I just want attention and for people to feel sorry for me. I've also fantasized about strangling him or smothering him with a pillow, like I don't want to kill him, I just want to scare him and create drama. Although I'm pretty sure I'd never do anything, I have never treat him badly or hit him or anything. I have also thought about grabbing the fire poker thing and beating my grandad with it, I usually think about it during or after a heated argument. But yeah, I feel kinda guilty about it too.

For my two bobs worth - I read your post, Atomicc, and wondered why on earth you were calling yourself "a monster" just for fantasizing about getting tender, caring attention?! And I was kind of identifying too ... I've had many, more fleeting "morbid fantasies" of something dreadful happening that allows me to really sob on the shoulder of someone who would be focused on giving me comfort etc. And I agree with Truth in Ruin that it would make sense for we BPDs because, for me anyway, often the emotional suffering is so much worse than others deem to be warranted so we're double alone in it ...why wouldn't we be attracted to having some "legitimate" cause for sympathy and patient attention?

I do the exact same thing. Wishing I would get into an accident just to be taken care of, to rest from my day to day worries and to get attention. The rage fantasies are there too. I find myself daydreaming about beating someone with a tire iron and the worst part about it is that they have done nothing against me...yet. I have to force myself to come back to reality. Some of my fantasies are a little too real and it takes a lot to snap out of it sometimes. I have thought myself to be a monster many times. As long as I don't act on these fantasies though, I know I am not a monster, just someone who was hurt with a lot of emotional rage at the world and at myself. I often thought of writing a book with my alter self being the bad guy and my other half being the good guy. But too afraid of ridicule and rejection to do that.

I can completely relate to this. I kind of get lost in my fantasies as well, they start to become too real. :/ Thank you for sharing

Me, I must be a monster too(?)

Admittedly, these scenarios have played out less in my head the last 4yrs since my brother was murdered , but yes, I do imagine getting hurt, attacked, and whatnot, as well as the ensuing love and caring I will recieve because of it. The thought of how my brother was actually hacked to death keeps me from indulging though, not out of guilt or shame, but fear of a self-fullfilling prophecy...

More embarrassingly though? They have taken a new twist and I indulge in them when my bf and I are arguing, like when I think "its over"... ( please bare in mind that I'm scared shytless he'll leave so I every argument feels like the end ... )

Then I imagine the most gruesome ways I could get hurt and how sorry he will be that he wasn't there to protect me, and how when he comes to take care of me I will reject him, or welcome him with open arms... Or I die gruesomely and he feels super guilty...

Not stuff I'm proud of but these thoughts have been playing out since I was 15, its been almost as many years living with them, visualizing every convo, every possible scenario, and yes, in the past wishing I'd be attacked while walking alone, because "that'll teach them"

~ Yeaaaah somehow me getting hurt teaches others a lesson... Maybe that I'm valuable? fk if I know.

So me, its been quite a while with these buggers and I try and take them in stride and not give them too much credit or attention, but have NEVER admitted to them before now...

I hope this thread helps you feel less alone even though we dont know if its DSM worthy

Lately I don't do this but I can relate, when I was younger, and especially when I was a teen I did this but not necessarily tragic events happening to me, more just that for whatever reasons I was very admired, loved, cared for and all of the things that someone longs for when they are feeling down, unimportant or invalidated.

I would like to thank you so much for this because it is exactly how I feel. You put it into the words I couldn't. I'm so sorry about your brother. I have to say I also don't do it as much since my best friend was murdered. It doesn't feel the same...

You're welcome, I'm glad that me admitting to these fantasies has helped you somehow.

And you're right, it feels like a diferent kind of wrong to indulge in them when you've known and loved someone that was taken from this earth so violently.

I'm sorry you lost your friend

Yes, exactly. Thank you

I fantasize about things like that all the time. In grade school I would one day show up with an ACE bandage on my arm so I could get attention. The next day I would forget to put it on and ruin the whole thing I long to be taken care of...

Back when my twin brother was suicidal I used to fantasize about him killing himself so I could get other peoples sympathy... I used to imagine driving to each persons house one by one and breaking the news and maybe, just MAYBE, getting a hug from them. You're by no means a monster by wishing harm on yourself. I'm the monster.

Yeah, I fantasize about being hurt enough to be taken care of and I'm old. It just shows that no one took care of us when we needed it when we were kids so we are longing for it now.

I am not BPD... But I sometimes have these selfish thoughts. What if I just slam my car into the wall... Then will people take me serious. I would never be brave enough to act on the thoughts, but I have them when I am upset.

Yes, I don't think I'm brave enough either. That's why I just kind of wish someone else will do it to me...

Thoughts are just thoughts. You are definitely not a monster. The reason behind the thoughts is because you want love and care. That desire for "nurturing" is acceptable/appropriate. If you took action on those thoughts, that's a different scenario.

I too have had similar thoughts: hoping someone would rape me, hurt me, or kill me. I often think/dream about hurting/killing family members who have hurt me. And I'm 31 yrs. old. I really haven't ever told anyone. Most people see me as "sweet" and "innocent"; not knowing what truly goes through my head. I know I could ever act out on those thoughts. I would rather hurt myself than ever endanger anyone, even if they have hurt me.

But self-sabotage is a whole different story for me. I sabotage my own life to try to hold onto what support I do have. If I progress too much and I feel someone pulling away from me, I will find a way to ruin my life so that they will have to stay (doesn't usually work, but I still try). I have quit college 2 classes before graduation, started self-harm just "display" my pain, not taken care of my physical health so that I actually do need medical care, etc. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's something I do.