[BeatriceBlue]

Ugh. This tension. I just feel like I'm stretched tight.

Impulse control problems are through the roof right now. I've spent $256 tonight, and over $600 in the past week on stuff I don't need.

Possible trigger:

Now I have the impulse to set fire to something.

Paranoia and attachment are such big problems lately. My therapist is on vacation, and I want to text him about how I'm feeling but my mom says not to. I need to talk to a therapist!!!

[BadWolfC]

I feel like I don't belong anywhere.... The only person who makes me feel good about myself is my fiance, and he's been working overtime that last 5 days so I've hardly spent any time with him... I don't want to be me anymore.

[comethisfar]

BadWolfC, I am sorry you're feeling down! I'm sure your fiance would rather be with you than work overtime too! Don't forget there is reason to love yourself...do you have something you can do for yourself, that you like doing timo distract you? Sending you hugs!!

[JadeAmethyst]

Numb.......

[puzzclar]

Wondering

[Lonlin3zz]

A lady sat beside me during a bus ride home yesterday. I was expecting her to move over to the empty seats near the windows when many passengers alighted at one bus stop, however, she still sat beside me despite having many empty rows of seats in front of us.

It is a very rare and unique moment for a stranger to continue sitting beside me despite these rows of empty seats. For that moment, my heart turned soft, I enjoyed a stranger's companion throughout the whole journey. At places where I was suppose to alight and change over to another bus service to go to gym, I just sat through the journey until she got off. When I had tried to write her a note of thank you, she got off before I could show it to her.

She seemed like a potential life partner at that particular moment, like finding someone who is not part of the crowd that usually change seats upon seeing empty window seats around them. Too bad, I never got to know her.

I turned softer than a whipped cream.

I never went to gym that night anymore and went back home straight.

Freaked out in the middle of Walgreens because I couldn't find a gift card I needed. Well, it was a mix of that and the fact that my mom told me to shut the heck up, so I started crying and yelling at the people in front of us to hurry up.

It got so bad that I began feeling suicidal but about an hour later I was fine. Now I'm angry again.

I need my therapist. I know he didn't drop me, I know he's on vacation, but I feel like he's avoiding me and I feel like everyone hates me.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[BadWolfC]

My downstairs neighbors are pissing me off again. I half wonder if they're doing it on purpose because they know I'm home. They're blasting ****** dance music so loudly that it's shaking my floor. Had to put on my noise cancelling headphones and listen to my own music. I keep telling myself that at least they aren't being loud while I'm trying to sleep this time, but I'm still really mad.

[BeatriceBlue]

I need a break from the inside of my own head. My boss is back tomorrow after being out of town for two weeks and he's going to give me a hard time for things being late and it feels like everyone at work is fighting around me and I'm just tired.

More money down the drain... I need to get rid of these cards ASAP.

[puzzclar]

Feels relieved.... but also frazzled and needing to walk a far distance.

[BadWolfC]

Looked at new apartments today because my fiance is finally convinced that we need to move because of the neighbor issues.

The other day when I got home there was trash and cigarette butts all over the stairs, which no one has picked up since. I'm very convinced it was the people downstairs because they hang out there sometimes. Then last night they were in the pool being loud at 12am, so we couldn't sleep and had to call security.

I really hope we can work out moving. I'm so done with this place, it would be ok if it weren't for the other residents, but apparently there's nothing management can do about it. I'm worried about money because we have to pay a fee of 2 month's rent to move out, then pay to move into another place... But I think it'll be worth it. I hate every day I'm still here.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by BadWolfC

Looked at new apartments today because my fiance is finally convinced that we need to move because of the neighbor issues.

The other day when I got home there was trash and cigarette butts all over the stairs, which no one has picked up since. I'm very convinced it was the people downstairs because they hang out there sometimes. Then last night they were in the pool being loud at 12am, so we couldn't sleep and had to call security.

I really hope we can work out moving. I'm so done with this place, it would be ok if it weren't for the other residents, but apparently there's nothing management can do about it. I'm worried about money because we have to pay a fee of 2 month's rent to move out, then pay to move into another place... But I think it'll be worth it. I hate every day I'm still here.

Someone suggested to me once, when I was looking for an apartment, to visit potential places in the evenings and weekends to see how the neighbors behave. That might be something you and your fiancé could do before you spend your money on a new place. Good luck.

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

Went to a family lunch today and my great grandmother said she hardly recognised me because I've gotten so big.

She's had 103 years to learn that calling someone fat isn't okay.

Well I just broke my ribs by falling on the side of the tub. I was sick and now this, lmao. I'll be okay, but it hurts very very badly.

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[Lonlin3zz]

A lady of a similar personality and behavior whom i have been talking to for quite some time, asked me about gifts that are safe to be given to guys. Turned out she has a boyfriend, my heart ripped to shred and feeling **** for the entire day.

I can't think of any reason to go on to a First-Person shooter game anymore since today. I just don't want to see her at all. Deleted her contacts as well.

[BadWolfC]

I bought my wedding dress yesterday.

I'm not getting married until March but my mom had been bothering me about it, saying it'll take a long time for me to find the right one. She was wrong, it took an hour.

I'm now a combination of excited and terrified, but not terrified in a bad way. I just feel that now this is real, my life is really going to change and it's going to be for the better. In a way I think I'm only afraid because I've never been really happy with my life before and I'm not sure how to deal with leaving my past behind. It's an odd feeling knowing that things are finally working out the way I want them to.

[puzzclar]

Still wondering what I want out of life. I cant keep living this way its eating me inside. ... I'm not sure who I am if I keep living outside my values. ... I just want to leave.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I'm not doing well at backing off of the flirting with my friend. It seems that I am getting worse too. Like the comments I've made are so ridiculous that I can't even share them here. I'm glad that I realize that though because maybe it will help me shut the eff up. I would be embarrassed if she called me on the things I've said and asked me to stop. I don't know what I'm even doing or trying to accomplish. My T is right that I'm playing with fire and it will go nowhere due to the fact that she is straight and married.

I think that I should just continue to smile at her when I see her... She makes me smile. I can continue to be helpful to her... I'd say more than I am to others but it is only because she asks for my help.

She's not asking to be harassed. Let me make that clear. When I flirt with her though she smiles and winks at me. Also, she seems to like to have me help her with heavy things even though I have seen her do it herself.

I thought to myself today, if she said, "Ok. Let's do this," what would I do? I don't know to be honest. I think I'd like to kiss her. Maybe hold her? I've never really been with a woman before though. The truth is probably that I just need to get laid.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I spoke with my friend this morning. She offered to braid my hair. I said that would be great. She does this for me once a week or so. Anyway, while she was braiding my hair I said, "I'm going to stop flirting with you." She replied, "If you must." I said, "Well I would be embarrassed if you asked me to stop." She said, "How about this... You can flirt with me when no one else can hear. That way I won't be embarrassed either." I said, "Ok."

I suppose that's great but she is a real distraction. Uggggh!

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Well tomorrow I can get some work done. She doesn't work Wednesdays. There were a couple times during my day that I actually felt aroused either talking to her or looking at her. I don't know what is going on in her head, but I know what's going on in mine.

The employees that work on the sales floor are not supposed to wear jeans. Everyone was kinda ignoring the dress code but our boss is cracking down on it at the moment. She had on black jeans and asked me with a smile while pointing to her jeans, "What do you think when you see these? Do you think jeans?" I gave her a big grin and said, "No that's not what I'm thinking when I see you in those." She smiled knowingly and walked away. It's like she's teasing me.

Later I have my lunch but on my way out of the break room she comes in so I go back in to chat with her. I don't remember much of the conversation. I told her that I liked the freckle on her lip. She said thank you. Later she told me that it was her husband's birthday tonight. She said she made his favorite meal but she would be desert. That didn't bother me really. I just continued to stare at her but didn't realize that I was doing that until she said, "If I didn't know any better I would think that you were high because of the mischievous smile on your face." I assured her that I wasn't but then realized that I had been doing to her what I do to my therapist and anyone else I am enamored with. I told her that I needed to get back to work.

Not long after she brought some paperwork to receiving and said, "I need a desk." I told her she could work on my counter when I really should be using it to work. I started to stare again and she said, "There's that mischievous smile again." I apologized and said, "I'm sorry I have been told by my T that it can be off putting." She laughed at the words "off putting" and said that it didn't bother her at which point I asked her what I had to do to bother her. She asked if I was trying and I said, "No!" She just smiled and said, "You don't bother me." I looked at her and said, "You know, you're really pretty." I totally felt like I was hitting on her in an obvious way. She stumbled on her words and said, "Thank you. I'm glad you think so." I walked away.

I'm sure this is way more than anyone cared or cares to read but I need to work through this somewhere to figure out what is going on. If I need to put on the brakes.

As nice as it all feels and I enjoyed it today, I think I am going to get frustrated and possibly hurt. I just don't see this ever going anywhere. Even if there would be a time where I might be allowed to go further with her, I know that it would only be temporary. Like my therapist said, "It's a dead end."

I want to talk to him so he can tell me how to stop putting energy into the situation. I am afraid though, that I am going to have to figure it out on my own until I see him a week from this Thursday. I should be able to do this on my own but something else takes over me when I'm around her.

Thanks for letting me share this here.

The aftermath of my latest buying spree is showing up in the mail. And I'm actually enjoying it! It's weird, I'm so used to regretting the things I buy, but I like everything I bought this time around.

I'm afraid that once everything arrives I'll be bored and buy more things, though. I love anticipating packages!!!

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

Just spent 2 hours scrolling through my hard drive unable to pick something to watch and then sat at the bottom of my shower crying.

Looks like things are starting to get bad again.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I found the courage to talk to my sister about my crush on my co-worker/friend. She was great and offered some good advice and thoughts. The first being that she agreed that my friend likes the flirting but is not at the same place as I am in her head. Meaning, she is having fun and I am having fun but want more. The 2nd thing she said was to remember that she's married and I don't want to mess with someone's marriage because morally it's not right. I told her that I have never had issues with that though I knew I should. After talking to her and remembering my therapist said, "She's married" a couple times, I think I am going to try to adjust my morals about that in the right way. I mean, if I am trying to better myself and raise more positive energy in my life then that is something I should do. Sigh... I know it will be less painful and less frustrating for me in the long run too.

I asked my sister if she thinks I'm weird now for having a crush on a woman and she laughed and said, "No more weird than I already thought you were."