[BadWolfC]

I'm having a minor panic attack about the lack of money I have... I'm a few thousand dollars in debt from being unemployed for most of the past couple years and I don't think I'm ever going to be able to pay all of it off. I just feel like I'm trapped and there's nothing I can do about it. I could ask my fiance for money, but I feel so bad every time I do... He already pays our rent himself because I can't afford it and I feel like asking for more is unfair with how hard he works to make sure we have money.

I started a new job a month an a half ago, but I'm only getting 16 hours a week at most. And I only made $500 last month, as in, the ENTIRE month. I've tried applying to other jobs and haven't heard anything back. Which could ether mean I've been denied, or the place is just taking way too long which is common for here...

I'm getting desperate, but I know there's nothing I can do but try to remain calm and wait... It sucks. I hate waiting when I'm stressed like this. I wish I could switch my brain off for once and relax...

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

Called the community mental health place today, hopefully I'll hear back about seeing someone soon before it gets really bad.

I always go without therapy until I'm at breaking point.

I'm going in to enroll into a school today. Hopefully everything goes well.

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[Achy Turtle Armor]

Would you tell me if you think I made a mistake?

I hope I didn't make a mistake. I told my friend that I think I'm bisexual. She didn't bat an eye.

Later, though, I told her that the look I was giving her the other day was a combination of the stare I do to people I'm attached to in combination with a crush. She patted my shoulder and said, "Are you crushing on me honey?"

I don't remember what happened after that but as she walked out of the room I said, "Am I freaking you out?" She said, "No. I will let you know if you are."

So maybe it was a bad thing but at least she knows how I feel and if she doesn't want my attention she will stop leading me on or whatever she's been doing.

What do you think?

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Ok. No one has any input. That's fine. I don't think I'd know what to tell me either.

Everything felt normal after I told my friend about my crush on her. Just before I left work I told her, "I feel stupid." She asked why. I told her because of what I said earlier. She said, "Is it true?" I said, "Yes." She said, "Then you don't need to feel stupid. We're good friends Honey." Then she said something about it not changing the nature of our friendship. I smiled and said, "Good. You know that I spend all day in my head right?" She smiled and said, "I know. We need to find you a harder job to get you out of your head."

[puzzclar]

I like your friend. ... but I think she reacted the best way she could with the information that was given. Don't let it get to you. It will all work out!

[BadWolfC]

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

Ok. No one has any input. That's fine. I don't think I'd know what to tell me either.

Everything felt normal after I told my friend about my crush on her. Just before I left work I told her, "I feel stupid." She asked why. I told her because of what I said earlier. She said, "Is it true?" I said, "Yes." She said, "Then you don't need to feel stupid. We're good friends Honey." Then she said something about it not changing the nature of our friendship. I smiled and said, "Good. You know that I spend all day in my head right?" She smiled and said, "I know. We need to find you a harder job to get you out of your head."

It sounds like she took it really well. It might be better to have it out in the open, that way you are both on the same page. Do you at least feel a little better knowing she accepted what was going through your head without taking it badly? It sounds like a tough situation, and you probably would have needed to say it at some point regardless of whether you wanted to, just to get it out. I think it's probably a good thing that you did, that way you won't be torturing yourself over it, at least as much.

[BadWolfC]

Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Went to work and didn't hate it. Still wish I had a better job, but I think I'm just going to have to try to be patient...

[grixkid]

got some meds, made some appts, journaling. last week has been cool. Back to doin the damn thing again

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by puzzclar

I like your friend. ... but I think she reacted the best way she could with the information that was given. Don't let it get to you. It will all work out!

Originally Posted by BadWolfC

It sounds like she took it really well. It might be better to have it out in the open, that way you are both on the same page. Do you at least feel a little better knowing she accepted what was going through your head without taking it badly? It sounds like a tough situation, and you probably would have needed to say it at some point regardless of whether you wanted to, just to get it out. I think it's probably a good thing that you did, that way you won't be torturing yourself over it, at least as much.

Thank you both for your time and your reply. I think I feel better about it than I did before our second talk. I felt bad that I needed reassuring but I guess she understands that about me. She knows almost all of my weirdness and has continued to accept me. I think telling her my secrets took away their power so to speak. Things might be less fun at work now as far as leading me on to flirt with her. Part of me hopes that she reigns her part in because it would tell me that she cares and doesn't want to hurt me. On the other hand I will miss the fun but after the fun I was almost always left sexually frustrated. I still wonder if she actually understands that I want to "get in her pants" but I'm not going to make it any more clear to her than I already have. I think time will tell if our friendship is intact.

Thanks again for your replies. They were helpful.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

So it's Friday night here and I'm in that dangerous place. The "I'm bored and lonely" place. It's funny that I get excited when it's the weekend but in reality it's my hardest time. I've already been to a meeting tonight and the sun is just now setting. I really have a lot to do in my home but I don't want to do any of it. I should at least fill up the trashcan with **** that is cluttering my home. There's so much ****! This time last year I was homeless because I moved out of my home while I was divorcing my husband. The thing I loved most about those days is that I had only the essentials I needed.

Before my husband moved in with his ****, that he left behind, my home was nice and uncluttered. When he left to move back to his home in another country, I agreed that I would ship his **** to him. Well it will be a year in November that he left and I haven't heard a word from him since December... I think. Everyone tells me to just toss it all but that's not something that I think I should do. I know how important some of this crap was to him at one time in his life so I assume that it still is. On the other hand if it were my crap that I loved, I would've taken it with me or at least I would have ensured it was sent to me ASAP.

I think what I should do is clean out the guest room closet and shove it all in there. That way I won't have to look at it anymore. His stuff doesn't depress me and make me miss him. It is cluttering up the house and that depresses me. What also depresses me is this feeling of loneliness. Should I listen to the recording where my T says, "listen to this when you're alone and feeling lonely." I think I will. I feel less alone when he is talking to me. I feel that there WAS one hour in my life where I mattered to someone. I'm thankful for the recordings, I just can't listen to them all the time like I want to. It's not good for me.

I'm so ****ing sad right now. So. ****ing. Sad. So. ****ing. Lonely.

[Angelique67]

Hang in there, ATA. It will get better. Go to another meeting if you feel like it. Or get rid of some clutter. You'll feel better if you do.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Hang in there, ATA. It will get better. Go to another meeting if you feel like it. Or get rid of some clutter. You'll feel better if you do.

There's no more meetings tonight... Hmm maybe AA. I think I am going to tackle a small corner in my home and get rid of some clutter like you suggested. It will get me out of my head. My T would be proud of me too but I'm not supposed to need him to be proud of me. It's nice to know you're there "listening." Thank you!

Well, I just had a complete meltdown because my friend didn't respond to a message for 10 minutes.

And someone compared me to Yuno from Mirai Nikki. I'm not insane, dude!!!

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[BadWolfC]

Feeling meh... Was the same yesterday. Just don't feel like doing anything. Maybe it has something to do with me oversleeping... Though I haven't been sleeping well either. Keep having nightmares, really bad ones that I try to forget as soon as I wake up. Maybe it's all the stress...

Today I'm supposed to go to the gym, but I don't want to. I just want to sit here and do nothing... I don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't felt like this in a while, and I just want it to go away. I wonder if it has anything to do with my body now working right. I keep getting to that time of the month, but nothing or hardly anything happens. I'm not pregnant and I had hormone tests done and they were all normal, so I don't know why... Been like this for a few months now. I really hope it isn't going to be a regular thing if that's what's causing my mood today...

[BadWolfC]

Seem to be getting over whatever was going on with me this morning. Just finished applying to 8 new jobs, really hoping I get at least one offer... It would help so much even if I just get another 2 days a week job.

[JadeAmethyst]

receiving some clarity..at last.

[Bubbles&Buttercup]

I hate the weekends. It feels acceptable to sit at home alone and do nothing all week, but when the weekend comes along I feel like I should be out having fun and being social.
Unfortunately I don't have the friends, energy or right state of mind to do so.

My friends won't stop treating me like I'm stupid, and honestly I hate them so much... Sorry I forgot that your 'boyfriend' is coming this week! Sorry I'm not good enough for you to spend any time at all with!

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[Achy Turtle Armor]

Went to bed at 4am last night. I went out to the Everglades to watch the end of the Perseids Meteor Shower. Didn't see many but saw the Milkyway and 1 Kagillion stars. It was great. Dogs got me out of bed by 8am so I went to the laundromat. Had breakfast out too. Then I slept on and off from noon until 6pm. I had a wide variety of dreams including erotic which was nice and I woke up laughing once too. Went out for Mexican food for dinner. Day wasn't very productive but I think I enjoyed it.

I've got to get to the gym soon because I promised my therapist that I would do 3 things before my next appointment which is Thursday. I was supposed to read more of the book - check. Work on a budget - check. Get back to the gym or yoga -...

Achy Reptilian Armor - Gym sounds great ! The best thing you can do for yourself !!!

Way to go, my dear

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by lilodian4ever

Achy Reptilian Armor - Gym sounds great ! The best thing you can do for yourself !!!

Way to go, my dear

Hey! Just popped on to read some and just saw this recent reply. It's good to "see" you. I hope you're doing well. Your comment is the extra push I needed to get to the gym. Thanks!

I hate everything, honestly. People are just so stupid and I want nothing to do with them.

Why is everyone on Nami Air trying to one-up each other when it comes to their mental illnesses?! I posted something about last night's meltdown and someone responded, "Well, my family pretty much ignores me altogether."
I didn't even MENTION anything about family in my post?! What the heck?! I'm so sick of that app! It's useless if the people are just trying to feel like they're "more serious" than other people...

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[BadWolfC]

Started making my wedding registry today. That helped a lot, but I just didn't feel good again today. I have nothing to do and didn't get to see my fiance at all yesterday because he was at work for almost 15 hours... I'm looking forward to us both having Tuesday off. It's rare that we get the same day off, and it'll probably be even worse once I'm able to get a second job. I hope that we can do something fun tonight since he won't be home too late. As bad as it is, I miss when he didn't have a job because I got to spend so much time with him. It's hard not being able to anymore.