[So It Goes]

I know I said I was leaving but things haven't been going well. I guess I need to keep my last lifeline to some sort of help open. I feel the need to apologize to the entire community for taking too much and not contributing enough.

It doesn't seem to matter what I do, I always seem to hurt people. I want to help, want to care, want to be happy but I no longer think these things are possible at the moment. I am not enough of myself anymore to be able to give like that. I have become a knot of open wounds and old damage that won't unravel. I need help.

That being said, I will be largely silent here for the forseeable future, perhaps even deactivating my account, I haven't decided yet. I need to figure out if I'm the one who is toxic, and what my patterns are. All I know is right now, all I want to do is give up, to be what people seem to expect of me, an unfeeling automaton. I want to kill my soul, whatever parts of myself that makes me who I am. It's the only way I can see to stop the pain.

I am sorry for my effect on people here, if I have triggered anyone or if I have hurt, it was so far beyond my intentions to do so. I wanted to try to come here to make a positive change in my life but my life has gotten so much worse I can't seem to move in that direction.

To everyone I have ever hurt, I am sorry. To everyone who I have taken from without giving back, I am sorry. To my daughter who can't ever understand the depth of what I hav experienced and has suffered because of my mistakes and issues, I am sorry. To my best friend, whom I have failed so utterly, I am sorry. To everyone I have loved and failed, I am so sorry. To one person here in particular, I am sorry for not being able to overcome my damage.

To everyone my life and issues have impacted, I am so sorry. I wanted to be so different for everyone, I'm simply not strong enough.

Best wishes.

[Miss Laura]

Hey So It Goes,

Please don't push people away.... esp if we are your last lifeline!!! We will be here for you no matter what. It doesn't matter if you contribute to posts or if your the poster!!! PC is here for you!!

[OrangeMoira]

(((((SoItGoes)))))

Glad you're back. One way to figure things out is to talk things out with others, and PC is a great place for that. You don't have to hole up by yourself.

I'm sorry, I'm not in the loop enough to know who might have been hurt or what you said that was hurtful. I know hurt feelings are a reality of communicating. I hope you keep posting.

That's right ! P.C is for everyone,giving,taking,sharing.In asking for help you may be giving.Someone may be all the braver,because you shared,because you asked.Besides,you gave,you just don't remember.You aren't toxic!!!!......We are all as good as each other!!!

[So It Goes]

Thank you all for your responses. I am so disjointed right now nothing makes sense. I feel the need to apologize for so much yet I don't even know what for, for the most part. I just know I have done something wrong to be in the place I am now. Every fiber of my being tells me I have screwed everything up in such a way that my very existence is not worthwhile and futile.

It is all so overwhelming, I don't know how to cope with all these feelings, it's like so much coming down at once from old tapes to new, old scars, old abuse, loneliness, living alone again for the first time in seven years, flinching at every damned shadow and every touch from even inanimate objects. I am feeling years worth of beatings and yelling all at the same time, like a maelstrom inside my head that cannot be denied.

I am shaking so much I can only concentrate to type in short bursts or I would type more. I just want it to stop but there's no way to achieve that right now.

[greylove]

Ohhhhhhhhh........my heart is breaking for you. There's so much pain in your post. I wish I could wave a wand and, you know........make it all go away. For all of us. I so wish there was some way I could help. If there's any way PM'ing me could help(even just to get your scrambled thoughts in writing) please don't hesitate.....I'm always here........grey

[bebop]

please hon take a little time and sit back and above all try to relax. I don't know what is going on in your life right now but to me you seem to be overwhelmed by emotions. just sit back relax and breathe. trust me it does get better. do you have any kind of hobbies? something anything to take your mind off whatever it is you are going thru at the moment? for just a little while. it really helps to get your mind busy with other things for just a little bit. please take care.

[lavieenrose]

When I'm in a severely depressed state, I magnify all my mistakes and difficulties, and especially my imagined negative impact on others. I have the same thoughts that you expressed, that I take and don't give back, that I'm cold and unloving, etc. etc. That is the lying voice of depression talking. It causes such miserable distortion in thinking, and makes you feel utterly worthless. It's not true!! I've always been completely amazed to be thanked for sharing my pain, and told that someone could identify with the feelings, and that it gave them courage to talk about their issues more openly. I thought that I was just being a toxic rain cloud, self-absorbed, melodramatic, etc. etc. I still fall into that kind of thinking in those dark times. And then I get reminded of how much incredible love and kindness is here.

So, please stay and please keep talking. You are every bit as deserving of support and compassion as anyone else.

[FooZe]

Hi, So It Goes, I don't think we've met before.

Originally Posted by So It Goes

... Every fiber of my being tells me I have screwed everything up in such a way that my very existence is not worthwhile and futile.

It's obvious from what you say, that something is telling you that. From here, though, it doesn't sound at all like every fiber of your being. It sounds just like you being very very hard on yourself.

A few weeks ago you wrote:

Originally Posted by So It Goes

Not really adding anything to this thread other than using it as a way to help deal with what I am feeling. Had a bad personal meltdown today. It's only three hours from a major presentation and I still have so much to do, yet no motivation to do it.

You seemed to be apologizing there for using PC exactly for its intended purpose. That left me wondering what more you thought you should have added to that thread. The same goes for what you wrote above:

Originally Posted by So It Goes

I feel the need to apologize to the entire community for taking too much and not contributing enough.

I don't think you're in a good position to tell when you're "taking" and when you're contributing. By the way... if there were no one to accept contributions, what would be the point of contributing?

Before that you wrote, about your work situation:

Originally Posted by So It Goes

While on the surface everyone is supportive, I can sense frustration.

No doubt you can, but can you really distinguish whose frustration you're sensing? You sound like you're sitting on a lot of frustration of your own. If you were to find yourself looking at the world through frustration-colored glasses, wouldn't everyone look frustrated? Would you be able to tell who actually was and who wasn't?

Originally Posted by So It Goes

I am overwhelmed easily by my emotions right now, often times "shutting down" for extended periods of time, unable to focus or think cohesively. Unfortunately, this problem is compounded by my field. I am a programmer, so I have to retain focus and clear thinking in order to complete my tasks and come up with creative solutions, which is what put me in this position of leadership in the first place.

(If anyone wonders where I'm getting these, just click on the links in the quotes.)

Originally Posted by So It Goes

All I know is right now, all I want to do is give up, to be what people seem to expect of me, an unfeeling automaton.

You may already have noticed that that would be about 180° from a solution. You say you're (understandably) having a hard time being creative under pressure and you'd like to deal with it by, in effect, giving up being creative. If you were to do that, though, wouldn't it leave you with just the pressure?

Originally Posted by So It Goes

I need to figure out if I'm the one who is toxic, and what my patterns are.

You're right -- you need to figure it out, so my answer may be irrelevant or worse and you may want to skip over it:
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I think the way you're being hard on yourself is definitely toxic to you. I suppose some of it might eventually rub off on someone else, too, but the first result is going to be that there's less of you available.

[madisgram]

so it goes i can relate totally with the feelings you have. when i was severely depressed i felt like i was in a void of darkness. i felt as tho everything was doom and gloom. i felt hopeless and helpless. there was a huge pressure on my chest.
what helped me during that bleak time was pc. our group got me through it. they supported my weary body. they cared. even a pc hug helped me. i didn't feel so alone. this group reminded me that they really cared about me. it gave me solace even when i had no hope at the time.
i do so hope you'll stay with us. you have value and worth to us. we care for you. it doesn't matter if you feel you have nothing to offer. right now you need to save anything for yourself to provide you with all the mental energy, be it ever so small, right now.
let us be here for you. we need you as you may need us. post if you are comfortable doing that. if you are not up to it, it's ok with us. you are in emotional pain. we understand and dearly hope you will stay. let us be your "rock" right now. we're here for you.

[Elana05]

(((So It Goes)))

You are important. Please reach out and ask for help.
You deserve to feel better.

Are meds helping at all?
There is a new type of therapy called TMS... Can you look into that if meds are not helping enough...

Sending super supportive thoughts your way.

[So It Goes]

Thanks everyone. I'm doing okay, just trying to make it through work. I have 4 projects due in as many business days in addition to all this. Just lost my other developer at work so I'm flying solo. I'll be slowed down in my posting over the next few days but I haven't left.

Wish me luck.

Rooting for you!

[Crew]

((((soitgoes))))

Do the best you can do, that is all you can do.... Hang in there,
Crew

[So It Goes]

Made it through the week, but I'm in pretty bad shape. Supposed to have my daughter this weekend... I never hear from her mother until the last minute. Even if I don't get to have my daughter on these weekends, I'd like for her to at least respond to my texts or phone calls. Instead, I get nothing. So, I spend my Friday nights waiting by the phone. I can't make plans, can't see the few friends I have left, can't start anything meaningful because as soon as I do, I have to go get her as soon as her mother calls. She calls all the shots. I'd go into more details but it would just be rehashing things I've already written better elsewhere here. She wants to punish me for leaving her, even 12 years later.

This is why I feel as though I have no control over anything. Not at work, not at home, not anywhere. I don't even have control over myself. What's the use in trying to hope? What is the use in trying to succeed? I do it for my daughter, not me. She is worth it, I am not. I am only a broken man trying to survive long enough to make sure she is okay. I have no other real purpose anymore.

I wish I was still being hit every day rather than feeling this kind of pain. I could deal with that.

Hello, So It Goes. Was there a divorce decree or other order that established visitation rights and obligations? If your ex is not complying with the terms you may petition the court for redress.

Do you enjoy the time you spend with your daughter? I ask because you talk as though it is something you endure for her benefit. If so, your daughter will sense that.

Stand tall, So It Goes. You are not helpless.

[So It Goes]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, So It Goes. Was there a divorce decree or other order that established visitation rights and obligations? If your ex is not complying with the terms you may petition the court for redress.

Do you enjoy the time you spend with your daughter? I ask because you talk as though it is something you endure for her benefit. If so, your daughter will sense that.

Stand tall, So It Goes. You are not helpless.

I can't afford a lawyer to do that, and my ex's parents will counter with every resource they have, which are considerable. I have zero faith in the system, for reasons too numerous to detail here.

This is hard to admit... I enjoy the time with my daughter more than I enjoy anything else. However, I don't really enjoy anything very much anymore. I do my best to hide it, but you are right that she can probably sense it. That is why part of my apology was to her, though I know she will never read it. This is something I have made sure to note for when I can get into therapy. I just have to make it until then.

I only wish I still knew how to stand tall, Byzantine. I really do.

I finally heard from her mother, so I'm going to pick her up.

Look in the Yellow Pages under Attorneys for the number of your state's bar association. Call and see if you eligible for a reduced rate or pro bono attorney. If your ex is violating the terms of an order, she may be found in contempt. Yes, people have bought their justice. Just the same, she should not be getting away with this.

Please, at least read the order so you know whether the terms are being violated.

Be well.

[So It Goes]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Look in the Yellow Pages under Attorneys for the number of your state's bar association. Call and see if you eligible for a reduced rate or pro bono attorney. If your ex is violating the terms of an order, she may be found in contempt. Yes, people have bought their justice. Just the same, she should not be getting away with this.

Please, at least read the order so you know whether the terms are being violated.

Be well.

I've read the order so many times over the last eight years. It's being violated and has been since day one. I fear getting the court involved would only make my daughter's life worse. My daughter is of age to decide who she lives with. She told me that she wanted to be with her mom because she was worried about hurting and leaving her mother alone. Her mother demands total loyalty to prove love, I do not. My daughter knows I won't think less of her for choosing to stay, but she has no such assurances with her mother.

You are right that my ex shouldn't be getting away with this. I could write page after page of terrible things she's told my daughter, horrid priorities and selfish acts. But, that wouldn't accomplish much. I feel like I have to focus on the things I can change in life rather than the things I can't, as hard as that has proven to be.

I'm willing to admit this may be a cop-out; I don't know anymore. But I do know I can't take on another fight, I just don't have it within me. Maybe that makes me just as selfish as her mother, but not knowing my own limits is how I have come to the place I am now. It's hard to shake the feeling that if I cause more complications I will not be able to handle it. I am already straining to stay functional.

I wish you well.

[OrangeMoira]

So it goes, it sounds like you have a lot more control in your life than you are seeing right now. I can understand why you are feeling so helpless and lost. You have been through a lot. You are really suffering right now, and trying to do the best you can. But you are not completely at the mercy of other people.

You have decided you don't want to deal with hassle from the court and you've decided to stop fighting your ex about her behavior. Part of the reason for that is that you need to take care of your own life (staying functional, avoiding extra complications) and you don't have much extra to give to your daughter right now. You have decided it's worth it to give up some freedom in order to see your daughter on the weekends.

It is totally reasonable to make those decisions. I just hope you see that you DO have some control in this situation. You are making the choice not to cause fights with your ex or go to court. You are making the choice to keep seeing your daughter (for her) even though your ex makes things difficult.

Does that idea give you a better feeling about your life? You have very difficult situations you are dealing with, and you have coped with them the best you can right now. As TheByzantine suggested, there are ways to change the situation when you decide to do so.

In the meantime, I really suggest talking to a therapist about some of these issues. I really feel for you--it sounds like you feel sad and hopeless a lot of the time. A therapist can really help you.

I understand that you are working especially hard right now and money is tight, but there are ways around that. You need to make yourself a priority; you are worth an hour a week to talk to someone and help yourself get better. We can definitely help you to problem solve that in a constructive way if you're interested. I hope you keep posting. I am sending good thoughts your way.

Makes you selfish?You are not selfish for this.The fact is...you are hanging by just a thread right now.I'd rather see you holding that thread than unrealistically take on a battle that'd break the thread.When the time is right...if it ever is...you will just know...and will feel an innate...unshakable drive to proceed.
Focusing on the things you CAN change is the appropriate war to wage.Because there ARE things you CAN change.You've alot of inner talk which pervades your mind...halting you from pursuing some of these things which are within your power to change...but,if it's a battle....wage a war!!!!

Art...you're dam good at it...do it even though you've no drive.

Writing.....you are well spoken...what could you write on.

Self-help....there is much you can do in that regard w/o ever leaving your home. ( home.everestkc.net/vics/Ronda/RR_Skills_Handbook.pdf )

www.psychologicalselfhelp.org

www.psywww.com/resource/selfhelp.htm

www.selfhelpmagazine.com/

www.healingfromdepression.com/

Amazon Rainforest Relaxation Video youtube.com

Havasupai Indian Waterfall Relaxation Video youtube.com

Self-Esteem: A Guided Relaxation Session youtube.com

....also google self help games

www.best-personalgrowth-resources.com


woot wooting 4 U so-it-goes.....

sending love....

Sayin it's a fight worth fighting!

Also a huge ty for being there for me

Check back later WO.olf

[So It Goes]

Had a huge argument with my daughter's mother (I'll refer to her as A) tonight. I told A I knew about her telling my daughter that she needed to "behave better" to get A's husband to stay. He had been telling my daughter that it didn't matter anymore. He left a month ago, and A never told me.

I should add that my daughter is by no means out of control beyond having her priorities out of order. She is in an accelerated learning program for gifted students. As this situation has grown worse and worse and A's marriage fell apart, she has been having more and more problems at school. She stopped turning in assignments and absence notes. She is in danger of being kicked out of the program if she doesn't pull her grades up in one of her classes.

It's no wonder she's having problems at school. She feels like the failure of her mother's marriage is partially her fault. She constantly worries about her mother, taking on more of a caretaker role for her mother than A does for her. A reinforces the irresponsibility by wanting to spend time with her by watching movies late into the night on school nights. I've talked to her at length about it to try to alleviate some of the conflicted feelings. I'm going to seek out a therapist for her, which is much easier than finding one for myself. I have her covered on her own insurance plan.

I was weak tonight. I lost control and yelled at A quite thoroughly. I don't know why I feel guilty for that, but I do. It got a strange result, though. A finally, for the first time in many years, backed down. She finally said she wanted to try to work through this without letting our own problems get in the way. I have been trying to tell her for years that this situation doesn't have to be this hard, that we will have to deal with each other for many years to come, so we might as well make it easier and focus on our child. I reiterated that tonight and she agreed. I don't really know what to think. I have had breakthrough moments like this with her before but she would always fall back into the old patterns. I hope this time she sticks to it, but I'm not holding my breath. It's something, at least.

I'm in a complex place right now. My daughter is in so much pain. She told me how much this weekend. It was hard to take her back there, knowing very well that she might be punished for telling me. A was very cold to her when I dropped her off. I hope she is okay. I hate to do it, but I have to let go and try not to worry right now, or it will eat me alive.

P.S. Thank you all for your responses. I hope I can address your posts more directly in the future. Time is short, unfortunately. I hope you understand.

Keep us informed what the ripples were.How did it feel to raise your voice passionately and express your heart? Basically you stood for your little girl.Nothing to feel guilty about.You weren't weak...I heard you roar from California.So many of us would be so very lucky to have a dad regard our welfare with such genuine concern ,or be the center of our dads heart.~W~

[OrangeMoira]

(((Soitgoes)))