I Don't Even Know What To Title This.

Some of you might know my extremely odd marriage situation. In a nutshell, after 25 yrs of marriage my husband made the decision to marry another woman(in a religious sense). This happened in 2006 - 5 fricken yrs ago. He refused to leave me or divorce me and I don't have the means to support myself. He made it clear it would be ugly if I pushed for divorce. So we've been living in the same house but separate rooms. We stopped having relations in 2006, when I found about this other woman. ATM I don't even know if she's still in the picture or not. Communication is basically minimal and on the surface - kind of like how you are to a relative you don't like but half to tolerate.

Now to bounce to another topic - prostate problems run in his family. His father had prostate cancer. He's been having prostate problems for 7 yrs now and has to take pills to keep the inflammation down. So one day when I'm driving him to work(other car was under repair) he starts sharing with me - how if he doesn't take the pill, he can't unrinate etc and wondering if this is what affects his libido and erection problems. Can anyone understand why this would bother ME...grrrrrrrr. To me, this is twisting the knife that he put in my back 5 yrs ago. Does he not think how he would feel if I started talking about myself in this regard? I just sat there in disbelief and said -" that's too bad" and then looked out the window.

I try to live my life and not pay attention to the poka dotted elephant in the room. I'm able to remain civil and even show kindness. It's like I'm waiting for the years to pass until my girls are old enough to survive on their own, so I can get the hell out. I don't expect anyone to give me a solution because there isn't one. I just needed to vent.

Lynn, do you have a support network of friends or family who may be able to provide room and board for a while? Your husband, to put it as politely as I can articulate, seems like a piece of trash. And I'm pretty damn sure that polygamy of any kind is illegal here in Canada. In your case, it amounts to emotional abuse at the very least; I'm sure the government or a large number of NGOs might be willing to help you, too. You're obviously no longer happy in that marriage, and unhappy with the fact he's taken another partner. His 'religious' union with another woman proves that he doesn't care for you as he should. You shouldn't have to feel trapped. And he has literally threatened your emotional well-being, saying that any attempt at a divorce would get 'ugly'. Start focusing on finding ways to facilitate a separation - The law would back you fully if you sued for financial child support, I'm sure. There are always options, don't give up. And if you feel you're ready, start looking for other potential partners. He's certainly no longer faithful. Your life is yours; take it back by any means necessary.

Regarding your daughters: There's little question that you would probably get full custody, even if he fought for it legally. The Canadian government would make sure you had the means to support them, one way or another. For a while, life would neither be comfortable nor without stress, but you'd be free.

Thanks for taking the time to reply to me. If I were to go that route I would end up living in poverty. I live in a very nice house and area. True I would get relief of not living with him, but my kids would suffer the shock of being deprived of the house and way of life they're used to. It would be hard for me to prove he married this woman and it wasn't done legally, plus she lives in the U.S. and I live in Canada. I don't even know her name or what city she lives in. I don't have friends or family to live with - no one IRL knows about this. I don't mind living in poverty once my kids are old enough to support themselves. I'm also afraid of what he would if I did leave and I don't want to traumatize my kids by going to a womens shelter. Sadly now it's a question of who's going to outlive the other - pathetic sounding I know. Thanks for trying to help. Strangely I have great answers for other people but not my own. One day I'm going to write a book about this.

I understand. There are no easy solutions here. I'd still suggest one thing: Discreetly seek legal advice. From what I've learned of civil law in college, though I am by no means an expert, your husband would still be forced to financially support you and your daughters if you divorced him, and it wouldn't be a pittance - In legal terms, he'd have to give you enough money to keep you living 'in the manner and quality of life to which you had become accustomed' when living with him. I may be wrong on this, but I think it's worth a look. The Police, I think, if you decide to take that step, should also be asked to investigate his other marriage. As a student in the Police Foundations program, I know they take such matters seriously, and I'm fairly confident in their ability to produce results. You're a prisoner in your own home, Lynn. He's a scumbag. The way out will be difficult to find, but there WILL be a way out, and one that will see your daughters AND you living happily and well. If there is justice, it'll also see him criminally convicted.

Everything you said makes sense but I have to consider it very carefully. We went through personal bankrupcy a year and a half ago and have been scrimping to save this house so he wouldn't be able to keep this house going and support his own living dwelling too, which would mean selling this house and renting. No banks would give me or us a mortgage to get a smaller house for me and the girls. At that point we would end up in public housing which would be a culture shock for the girls. I don't want to become enemies because I have enough comon sense to not want to deprive my girls of contact with their father, just because I don't like him. Right now we're living month to month. We're business owners and if I drag this out publically it would be financial suicide and we would be poverty stricken. I appreciate you trying to help and I wish I could follow your advice. This is why I rarely talk about this because I'm basically forzen in place, watching the years go by - I'm like a bird living in a gold gilded cage....what a beautiful dwelling but it's still a prison. Amazing I manage to contend with this. So depressing sounding but I won't admit defeat.

Hi Lynn P - I can somewhat relate to what you are saying. My ex still lives with me in my house with our kids - I have asked him to leave a couple of times, but he just doesn't - he is so dominating and I am so passive, I can't get him to do what I want. I am starting to become less tolerant of the situation and generally have my head screaming at me pretty continuously - "I just want him out of my f'ing house".

However I have to say that at some level it does work, particularly in that the kids see both of us everyday and do not have to deal with having 2 different homes to live in.

So I hear how difficult your situation is, but it seems that you think it would not improve things for you if you did leave and may actually make things worse?

I just try to grab what space I can to try to chill a bit and hope that in time the awfulness of him being here still will out weigh the negatives of him leaving. Take care of you -

Thanks for sharing Soup Dragon and its comforting to know someone who can relate. Are you legally divorced? The only good thing is, he's gone most of the day and comes home late, so I see him maybe 10 minutes tops...some days only saying hi and goodbye. Yes the kids would be worse off if I were to insist on living separate. The 1st thing he would do is get rid of the house. I emailed him and told him that discussing those details hurts my feelings and he sent me a reply that said "F**k you". He's heartless most of the time.

Hugs. I wish I could think of something helpful to say. Thinking of you.

Thank you Roseleigh7 - this is a very hard problem to solve, so I'm not surprised there isn't a solution. I still appreciate your support though.

"So I Married A Saw Murderer"
"Rules of Disengagement"
"Unsavoury Company"
"Sleeping With the Antagonist"

So most of those are largely plagiarized... Meh. It's a working title.

As for your actual question, I did think up some morally depraved reactions with which to counter your "husband's" dastardly deeds. I wouldn't recommend any of them, but hopefully they'll give you a laugh anyhow.

My first thought was to go frolic with much glee among the more worthy of men. Seriously. "Husband" was he who opened this particular door by marrying that wretched harpy, now he has to play by his own rules. And perhaps you could catch one who would willingly support you emotionally, financially, and as more suitable parental figure for your spawn. And, if you don't find a decent partner any time soon or don't want one, at least you get some good sex out of it. It's a good stress reliever, I find. Sex, that is.

When he talks about his prostate or any other such thing that would attempt to garner pity, respond with much indifference or laugh at his pain. And when he says things like "***** you", reply, while giggling, "If only you had the skill and equipment to do so." Then sigh forlornly and walk away.

You could, perhaps, move to a far-away land and change your name/hair colour/general appearance/etc. While making efforts to establish a legitimate business, you, in the meantime, support yourself, your spawn, and your budding business by robbing rich people - you know, those seedy business types who procured their vast sums of money through highly unethical means and shouldn't have it to begin with ... to clear the conscience, because, if I recall, that thing is important somehow ... You could start with your husband for practice and to procure money for a bus ticket to the far-away land (or a plane, if you really want to be stylin'). The spawn could provide as the look-outs.

Drive "husband" absolutely bat-***** crazy. If you have to live with him, you should at least get some laughs out of it.

Find this harpy and demand a living space and financial aid. Since she insisted on marrying him, what's hers is his. And what's his is yours. So, logically, what's hers is yours. And she lives in a far-away land, which is conveniently away from "husband". So, before you go, reveal this naughty information to lawyers and the public and so forth, and then thoroughly suicide "husband's" business. When you move to the harpy wench's abode, you'll have a clean slate, as far as reputation goes, with which to establish a new business.

Wait the five years, kick the pups off to college, then suicide the business before you make your grand exit. After all, he did put you through all this mess, and you're going to be broke anyway when you leave. Might as well return the favour.

...

Yeah, most of these knee-jerk reactions are largely a result of my proclivity for illegal activity and insatiable desire for vengeance. Again, I don't recommend any of them. Actually, I recommend looking into legal avenues... then resorting to such guerrilla tactics as necessary.

Thanks Michael the Great - what a creative, mischievess post. There was one time I almost thought of doing something nasty, the 1st News years Eve when he was due to leave home at 11:00pm so he could make it to her house for 12:00..but my conscience got the best of me.

I wish I could be brave and do some of those adventurous things but he's the bully unfortunately. I would probably have to run into protective custody if I did some of those things, but your post was entertaining to read. I'm sure you could do some of those things mentioned...too bad I don't have a brother like you lol. When my kids are old enough to handle me leaving this marriage, I will leave - I have to 1st and foremost think of my girls. I do plan on outliving him - don't smoke or drink......unless the stress gets me. Thanks for sharing.

Aww... That pesky conscience.

This is mostly why I wouldn't recommend doing anything that I suggest. While I would jump at any opportunity to do something mischievous, heedless to danger as I am, I wouldn't want others following suit and getting hurt in the process.

On the other hand, one must always ask if the reward is worth the risk. In my case, the risk is the reward, which is why my therapists had such trouble convincing me that doing dangerous and/or illegal things was a bad idea. But I digress... Though, staying has risks too.

Wow Lynn,
I don't think that I can top Micheal the Great.

This is the time when the real prince charming needs to drive up in his white limo and rescue you and then you can think about doing some of the things that Micheal suggests.

But in reality it wouldn't even take a limo for you, you are only trying your best to think of the children. But I do wonder if they are learning that it is ok to be miserable and be held captive in a way by a husband.

Your very smart Lynn there must be something you can plan for yourself in the future. My guess is that you probably don't get to handle any of the money your husband makes, I have known some women that squirl it away for that time when they can leave.

Do you have to work the business too or do you have free time that perhaps you could work and put some money away. Oh there has to be something you can plan for yourself, your just too smart to give in and think there are no options.

I chose to stay in my relationship but my circustances were different and like you I did think of my child. I did create my own business, which we all know got severely damaged by my neighbor. I have slowly been trying to rebuild it but it has been very hard to accumulate money other than keeping up with this mountain of bills from my neighbor. But you are smart and you have to look for ways to think out of the box.
I wonder if there is a way to get some kind of grant money to go back to school while he is not around. Ok, what you have is YOU and now you have to self access and think about what YOU can do. I know you have to bide your time but how can you do it in a way that is a direction out and for you? Sometimes bad situations bring opportunities for growth in yourself.

I dont know how much free time you have or how old your children are and your educational level. But you have to plan something, don't give up.

I will say some prayers for you,

Open Eyes

Lynn, start dating other guys. He doesn't need to know. It'll help you cope, I think. And if he finds out, he's got absolutely no right to do a ******* thing or even say anything about it- If he threatens you, because he seems to be a man very capable of violence, have the f*cker arrested.

You're very right Michael the Great...."staying has risks"...very stressful for sure. I can't use the copy and paste feature because I'm actually making use of the internet via the Wii gaming system lol. For now I have to pick the lesser of 2 evils. I have to start buying lottery tickets - if I won millions I could at least provide for myself and the girls, but that's unrealistic.

Thank you ((Open Eyes)) for your, as always caring post. I had my girls late in life - they're 9 and 13. I've been honest with them as much as the age allows and I've pondered what you mentioned about, 'what this teaches them'. I'm raising them strong and I hope they'll grow up not tolerating bad behavior. I hope I can think of a better alternative and thanks for the good wishes

I wish I could consider dating. When I mentioned in the beginning that I wanted a divorce and thought about finding someone else - he flipped and basically threatened me...so yes I'm afraid of what he could or would do. I know this must seem so frustrating for bystanders to read. He's also pals with several police officers and lawyers. His public personna is very charming.

Well, if it helps you any my daughter was 12 when I found out my husband had cheated and I just didn't know what to do. But a therapist told me that my daughter was at a very crucial age and it could really effect her. So I made up my mind that I would devote myself to trying. So the age of your daughters is very suseptible and you are doing your best.

Please keep in mind my other suggestions. You are still very smart and capable as a person. Plan your own future while biding your time. I sounds like you are trying to weigh all your options. Keep thinking about your possibilites. I hate to say it but I do hope your husbands complaints mean you will not have to wait as long as you think. Try to live each day and love your children. At least you are not in a situation where your husband is demanding sex that you do not want. It sounds like he is just an unpleasant presence.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. We are always here you know if you need to vent. We do care and will listen if you have a bad day and you just need to vent.
Keep us posted.

Open Eyes

Lynn,

Your strength in this situation is amazing. I know it's not helpful but I needed to say it....

I understand how frustrating this situation is......my husband was just unable to be a responsible husband & take care of financial issues when it came down to his having to be responsible after I bailed us out the first time.......sad to say, but it wasn't until after my mother died & I got all the inheritance (only child), that I was finally financially able to GET OUT OF TOWN & moved 2100 miles away. I lived with my husband in the same house in different rooms from 1994 until 2007 before I was able to leave. By the end, my anger was so great that I was seeing red every time I talked to him.

I didn't get a divorce because of financial issues & I bought a farm with my inheritance.....so bankruptcy is impossible or I would have to sell my farm.......& splitting the debt would be such a nightmare that doing that in the divorce then filing bankruptcy would also be more than what I want to go through.....so now we are just living in two different ends of the country. I would NEVER want to get married again or even get involved with a guy again......so I really don't care if I'm divorced or not except if my husband would do some stupid financial thing....but he doesn't have any money either.

He informed me one time that when the house finally got some value back in it, that he wanted to sell & move to another state where the cost of living is less & get a smaller house....lol. I informed him that I was still owner on the house & it was OURS & that in the marriage, everything in the marriage would be split up when WE could finally sell the house & it would be the perfect time to get the divorce. He thought I would just give him everything because I LEFT.....like I should have just continued TOLERATING him for the rest of my life (which is what he thought I would continue to do)

Unfortunately in your situation his religion is key to what he is allowed to do & we are supposed to be tolerant of those kinds of things (NOT, it's called being TRAPPED). The sad thing is that all the laws are starting to back those religious practices & the way the laws seem to be going now, they would be backing him & his religious practices & not you unfortunately. If your situation was a better financial one, it would be a good fight to stand up against those religious practices being accepted....but I understand the fact that even if you were to win & get a divorce, you would end up with NOTHING to live on. It is sad when we run through all the possibilities & still come up with the same bad solution at least for awhile. Guess all you can do is look forward to the future when you can escape the situation you are in & hold that as your light to aim for....wish I had a better solution.....but until you have some financial means to go off on your own, there isn't really another solution. You are definitely doing better with your situation than I would have done.....I have a very strong, fighting personality & would NOT be taking the situation as well as you are.....the "ugly" would be coming from me & HE would be the one wanting to "get out".

I wish you the ability to keep up your niceness for the length of time until your girls are old enough to be on their own. I hope in the long run, that your girls will know what has happened in your marriage, so they can make wise choices in their own lives.

Thanks Eskie for sharing your ideas and your past marriage experience. I want to speak a bit about the religion itself and how if some choose...they can marry up to 4 if they want to. He's not even following his own religion - the man is supposed to let the 1st wife know what happenening before he makes that decision - he's also supposed to treat the women equally, meaning, spending equal time with each and he never did. Some arabic women DO support this idea, the same way some polygamist families in the U.S. accept this way of life. The main difference is they live in separate dwellings, where as most of the families in the other polygamist families live together in the same house. I have nothing against people who 'choose' this kind of lifestyle and these women openly accept each other and agree to let go of traditional jealousy and possessiveness. It becomes a problem if one of the parties doesn't agree, like in my case - then this becomes a forced situation if the woman has no way of supporting her children solely. If my husband would simply agree to move out or I move out, there wouldn't be a problem.

When it 1st happend, I was so kind - we have a big house and I offered him to have the house as long as he would find me a smaller house. I was willing to take a 'decline' in lowering the standard of living. I don't need a fancy big house and car to be happy. What I don't want is, to live in poverty and he knows this. He's using that fear to keep me here - it's either stay here or live on welfare. He very sneaky and knows how to manipulate the legal system and accounting system and he would make it seems like he doesn't have money if I were to file for divorce on my own.

The one good thing is, I don't have to be intimate with him. I completely lost all desire to be with him after knowing he's with someone else. Like I said, I wonder if he's still with her because he sleeps in our house every night for the last year. He used to go there every Saturday night and come home Sunday afternoon.

Once is a while the whole situation gets to me. I have to get myself focused so I can take care of myself. I tend to forget about myself when I'm upset. My goal is to keep my body strong and healthy so when I do finally get free I'll be healthy. Life is taking it's toll on him - he looks older and out of shape compared to me. I don't have any health problems and have the same blood pressure as my 13 yr old lol. Sadly at this point it's 'survival of the fittest'.

Pardon me for not responding earlier and for failing to establish a realistic solution to your problem.

As I may have mentioned earlier, I don't know your "husband", and I apologize in advance for jumping to conclusions. You said you wouldn't mind poverty when you no longer have to support your children. But since he is so quick to employ manipulative tactics now -- button pushing, threats, and so forth -- would he do the same 5 years from now with a different tactic? Bullies have a tendency to escalate their tyrannical behaviour when lesser forms fail to be effective.

I advise, if you'd like my advice, to at least start taking notes of his behaviour and obtaining evidence to support your case when you decide to leave (unbeknownst to him, of course). You could start with his religious practices.

I also recommend talking to a lawyer (not one of his buddy lawyers) about any and every angle you can work to get out of there as quickly as possible (again, without his knowledge). It couldn't hurt to at least see what could be done about the situation.

That's okay Michael the Great - I actually enjoyed reading your post the other day...some parts were funny and he deserves those kind of solutions lol. If I didn't have to worry about my kids, those scenarios would provide sweet revenge lol.

I agree it would be best just to consult with a lawyer and I'll probably do this in September when the girls go back to school. I think I'll also get the opinion of the police and let them know I've been threatened in the past - I don't know what the law is, if its just me saying it happened. He made it clear if I went ahead with filing for divorce, he would make it ugly because he has access to lawyers and I wouldn't have money to fight back. My girls would end up in poverty and there's no equity in the house ATM due to personal bankruptcy 2 yrs ago. Once my youngest becomes older it won't be as bad as when they're young. Thank you for the suggestions and to everyone else who responded.

I am curious, Lynn. He's a bastard to you, but how does he treat your daughters? This guy really doesn't sound like the greatest Father figure, but since you enduring all of this for the sake of your children, I assume he isn't harming them in some way either.

My feeling is that the best gift you can give your children is happy parents. Providing for the life style and qaulity of living that they are used to cannot possibly be more important than their - and your - well being.

All in all, I am disgusted that some one as lovely as you is stuck with someone who acts as outrageously as he does. You are very strong.

Thank you ((thine)) for your post and you ask some important questions. Yes he treats the girls well and they love each other. We're very civil in front of the chidren and even privately except for occasional disagreements.

I agree the best gift for kids are happy parents. Unfortunately he's made it clear, he doesn't want to live apart and would make it ugly..which would be bad for the kids. I have to pick the least harmful situation and I think it's the one I'm doing ATM..for now at least.