My husband tries to provoke me into an outburst...!

My husband and i have been in a volatile relationship for 20 years. I usually end up crying. Thats his goal, to "break" me & then hes the winner. A simple argument escalates into him bringing up mistakes from the past..he brings up the worst ive done to "win". I cant live like this anymore. But am on Social Security & he knows i cant get by without his help...any suggestions? I need to get away from him, hes like poison to me.

Give yourself permission not to respond emotionally to a couple of his more obvious ploys to upset you. If it's comments about finances and how he doesn't like your sister, for example, practice a few bland responses, like "yes and in today's economy, watching the spending is even more crucial" and/or "I understand that you don't like Sis" Nodding silently is good, too.

Get counseling. If he won't go with you, go alone. If you think you cannot afford it, ask at a local house of worship if they offer free counseling or if they know where you can get low-cost counseling; look in your community for sliding scale counseling, etc.

Start investigating how much exactly you need to live, and how to live on what you receive. If you've been married 20 years, it may be that he will have to contribute to your support.

Do you own your own home, would you have to rent, how much are utilities, estimate how much you need for transportation, etc. Once you know how to take care of yourself financially, you'll be better prepared emotionally to solve the issue of your husband's abuse.

My ex abandoned me; it was a steep and very painful learning curve to be plunged into immediate poverty. Knowledge will give you a sense of power.

Thank you for your very kind reply. I HAVE NOTHING. I have no car. no savings. i am on Social Security & have bad credit, so no one would want to rent me a place to live. I am feeling hopeless...

Work on making friends with yourself so your husband can't provoke you. A mistake is just that, a mistake, not a crime! If you try to learn from your mistakes you should be proud of yourself and, learning, the mistake becomes something that is helpful rather than hurtful to you! Make sure, too, that your mistakes are yours to begin with; just because someone else thinks what you do is a bad idea does not make it a bad idea for you! You are living your own life and the mistakes you make are only the ones you decide on, not the judgments of others.

Don't engage with him when he is just being mean and trying to hurt you; smile sweetly and go read a book or otherwise ignore him (go in the kitchen and start doing dishes or something, anything that is fairly non-male and not an area he's interested in). If he can't get a rise out of you he'll get bored pretty quickly and leave you alone.

So the problem is i cant control myself ! He keeps talking ***** until i react...he gets so close to my face when hes yelling at me that spit hits me in tbe face. PS i hate me.

If you have been in this relationship for so long, then more than likely you love this man in some way. Identify what exactly that is. Don't cheat yourself by holding onto ideals that no longer matter. Once you have a solid idea about your love for him, and his love for you, make a conscious choice about where you want to be for the rest of your life. Something about our human will allows us to overcome anything we have a mind to.

Your hub sounds like a real jerk to me!!

I do understand being dependent upon someone ~ I've been there. However, there are public health groups throughout California, to get out of damaging relationships. Your hub may not be physically abusive, but your description sounds pretty emotionally intense. Certainly unhealthy!

Family support groups are there to help people get out of the dependent situations that they find themselves living in. Gentle hugs to you, Lily2. Don't give in to your hub's pushing....whatever you do. Leave the room. Take a bathroom break, or go for a walk. Get away from him being in your face & get away from him asap.

Sounds like he has brought you down for so long that now the things he says to you you believe. You are a good person and you have taken care of yourself in a verbally abusive relationship I am sure you have the strength to take care of yourself if you are not in one. Sometimes verbal abuse can be worse than physical in my mind. I was in a verbally abusive relationship and I was made to think I didn't have a choice but then I realized I did. I decided I could do without a lot of things just not without my sanity so I had to leave which was not easy but I did it. If I can do it so can you. You have more strength than you know.

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Apply for Section 8 housing, plus if you're over 55, call local retirement homes and get on their applicant list to move in. When you get the call to move in, file a change of address with social security, pack your suitcases and move out.

Look at your possessions this way: can they be replaced from yard sales on the cheap? The only real treasures are heirlooms and photos. Ditch the other stuff and him.

The peace you will gain will be worth more than any sofa or television.

Also, don't forget to seek help from battered women's centers. They know that psychological abuse is as bad as physical abuse and will probably help you.

Take that first step toward your freedom.

Best of luck, sister.

Terri

Regarding finances, the rule in my state is generally that the spouse is entitled to support for half the length of the marriage, so in your 20 years (I'm guessing) of marriage he would be responsible to pay you support for 10 years. In other specific cases, the amounts may be different. For me, since I earned my disability pension solely during the time we were married, my wife is entitled to 50% of it as long as I remain alive and collecting it. These are examples, your situation may vary. Start by checking with Social Security, your local Job & Family Services, and any other local resources you may have. Some unexpected doors may open for you. Best of luck to you in this difficult situation.

I wish i could tell you what you need to do... But i cant i just wanted to say i understand what you are saying and that spot where you feel like everything is on there side and YES you are not being helh there but you are stuck.. AND it doesnt have anything to do with you wanting to staying or the stuff you have it comes down to... You cant you dont have anyone and/or anywhere to go to and what go to a shelter and live with people you dont know.... IT IS NOT THAT EASY... I am 25 i have been with a man for 8 years and he has NEVER but his hands on me but sometimes it would be better if he would have.. See I am on ssi and me and him have 2 kids together and the truth is what i get a mounth is a joke there is NO way i could do it even with me getting everything i can from the state to ...and he knows it cause he says all the time that i would loss my kids for not being able to pay for housing and food for them and when he gets them i will never see them and the F***** up thing is even tho he NEVER brings them to there doc apointments and doesnt do ANYTHING with them because he works he says.. he is right i would lose them so i stay everyday hating my life and wanting to die!!!! and even tho your story is not the same i do understand just because you have stayed DOESNT mean you wanted to

Your situation breaks my heart because I have known women in similar and worse circumstances trapped emotionally and financially by their significant others. I wish I could offer better advisement, but you cannot stay with this man. The indication of how many years he has broken you down is apparent in your posts and it hurts me to know you are enduring what you do. I can never tell another woman to leave her man because it isn't my situation and I feel incapable of telling someone how to handle their marriage or personal matters, but my heart breaks for you and no man is worth it, no matter how comfortably he ensures you live and knows you are not able to support yourself alone. There is help. Your well being and safety comes first. Please seek advisement from someone you trust. Family, church leaders, other persons in a position of authority and counseling assistance. You don't have to stay with him at all. Let him think that. Please go if you can, when you can. Take care of you. It will be hard but you will see you can begin your healing. I wish you well.

There MUST be a Legal Aid attorney in your area -- these are attorney's that you don't have to pay! They are paid by the state/county in which you live. They are for people who cannot afford an attorney. See what your rights are as a woman/wife. Also, ask what help there is "out there" for women. He would know!!!

You CANNOT stay with this man. I do NOT believe you're staying because you 'love' this man. I believe you're staying because you have nowhere else to go -- and perhaps because you're afraid of him, right?

My ex used to intimidate me too plus he would bring up EVERY SINGLE THING I ever did in our marriage that he deemed "wrong." It may NOT have been wrong, but Mr. God said it was. Plus he kept "lists" -- lists of everything I said, did, may have done, where I went, etc. Any time I went to visit my mother, he called --- to make sure that's where I was. Oh, he'd make the excuse that he wanted me to pick something up at the store -- but every single time I visited Mom for 26 years??? Yeah, right.

Why didn't I leave? I was scared of him. Finally I got so sick of it, I didn't care if he killed me, and I told him I wanted a divorce and he left. What a relief!!! Of course, he stalked me for the next year until I moved out of town.

See the Legal Aid Attorney -- find out your rights and get OUT. God bless and please take care!!! Hugs, Lee

Lily, I'm sorry you're in that situation, hopefully you can get some practical advice from the other posters here.

I don't know enough about the kind of arguments you have to see whether it's emotional abuse or whether he's just being unfair in bringing up the past. A lot of arguments feature the deliberate opening of old wounds for some reason. I've done it myself.

In which case you probably need to let him know how his arguments affect you.

But if he's systematically bullying you over your mistakes or your past, then it's emotional abuse isn't it?

OH MY GOSH! YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IMTALKING ABOUT & WHAT IM FEELING! right down to why i donr wamt to go to a shelter! THANK YOU, THANK YOU for reaching iut to me! Please keep in touch!

This is abuse; emotional, physical, and financial abuse.

Your decision is up to you nobody can tell you what to do - to leave or not, but only support in what you choose - but what it comes down to is that this is your own decision - and about your life. You deserve better than that, it may take some time, a lot of thinking on your part, find a quiet place for you to do that so you can ultimately find your decision and clear your mind, it can be a scary thing to not know what's going to happen

Go see a counselor or divorce him.