Why can't I make it stop.

I am so irritated right now. My H and I have issues and I am so close to calling it quits. That is a problem, but the problem at the moment is these damn tears. They will not stop. I exhale and they start running down my face again. I am tired of crying, why will they not go away. I am frustrated, angry, hurt, confused, lonely, tears won't make it better. I'm not a vocal crier and that drives some of my past T's crazy. I just set as tears stream down my face. My T often jsut looks at me and I wonder what the hell. Am I crazy. Must not be or you'd have me committed. So I'm just screwed up. I'll be fine one min and not the next. I think I finally have things under control for a little bit and all it takes is one question or comment to make the water works come on again. It is quite aggravating. I don't know that it makes me feel any better. I know it doesn't at the moment. I just don't know anymore. goodnight

((((Big Mama))))

I am sorry that you fight your tears ~ it sounds like they really want to come out. It sounds as though you try to repress the emotions, to stop crying.

That's my interpretation anyway. I do the same whenever I feel tears are close. For some reason, I feel a huge sense of shame and self-hate when I cry. So, crying doesn't help me feel any better in stressful or emotional times.

Have you tried physically letting out some of these emotions? Beating up pillows or snapping rubber bands? Listening to some emotional music might help; coloring, taking a relaxing bath; puzzles; exercising; baking; cleaning; etc. Hopefully, a few of these activities will help relieve you of these intense emotions that you're suffering from.

Gentle hugs to you...

Thank you. I'm the queen of represser. Those are some good ideas.

(((Big Mama))),

It is not good to surpress your feelings, you have been facing some challenges and thinking about "why" these challenges are there for you too, and don't forget you struggle with PTSD.

Instead of getting upset with yourself for having emotions, "observe" the emotions and what they connect to.

If you are "crying" then you need to cry sometimes, because you need to "mourn" things too. If you don't allow yourself to do that, then you will turn it into "anger".
What you are doing now is "self blaming" for having "emotions" and that isn't really being "fair to self" BM.

You have been slowly letting out the situations you have experienced that disrespected your personal space/ boundaries/ sense of personal control. All these things you have been talking about are things that have "happened in the past" and you are looking at them with more knowledge then you had when you experienced them. So, when you look back and have "more answers/knowledge" you are going to realize some "sad things". As you begin to see these sad things BM, you will have periods of "crying". It is very similar to watching a movie with "sad parts" and responding with tears and sad feelings. You must remember BM, you are only "human".

Ok, now, lets think for a minute about your husband. You have been talking about him alot and the challenges he presents to you. Well, he is basically a "control freak" right? Do you know why? Well, the reason he needs things organized and controlled so much IS SO THAT HE DOESN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIS EMOTIONS. And when things are "out of place" it upsets him and makes him angry, because anger is the only "emotion" that is somehow "acceptable to men" and most people for that matter.

Many people seem to think that it is important to "surpress their emotions" and that when we express emotions "we are weak" somehow or "vulnerable". Somewhere in the back of many people's minds is a message "don't go feeling sorry for yourself".
I don't know about you, but there were many times when I was hurt/upset when I had people say that to me. That is a "common subconsious message" that "feelings mean weakness/vulnerability/lack of problem solving skills/selfish/lack of maturity and inability to "practice self control". Sound familiar?

One of the big reasons people who struggle with PTSD islolate is because they begin to realize they have "lost the ability for "self control" somehow" around other people.
People with PTSD begin to realize that if someone asks them a certain kind of question, even as simple as "how are you" they can suddenly break down and be honest, with an extremely "emotional" reply. And they often feel very lost too because they don't know how to "gain control" in their life, and that is "scarey" for every human being.

Now, think about how you began to feel sooooo relieved when you came to PC and meet others who HAVE SO MANY EMOTIONAL CHALLENGES LIKE YOU DO? You felt as though you found heaven in a way right? And because you found that you began a journey of "sharing all the things you thought you had to "stuff" and "resolve all by yourself" without "feeling sorry for yourself somehow". And when you do share your challenges and emotions, you can see "in writing" how others "validate" your emotions. OMG you say, I finally get to be "human" after all.

Remember saying this? "I can't tell my father how difficult and challenging my marriage is because he might "beat up my husband and make things worse". This is a "big clue" because that is a long time subconscious message you have, "I cannot tell something is bad, hurt me, so I better conceal it".

Have you ever noticed how many members say, "I have to pretend I am ok, life is ok, I am happy, so my parents will be ok or feel happy". And, then these members go on and on about how miserable and lost they are and even wonder how to do life at all, and sometimes they have some "dangerous thoughts". And "my mother and father will never understand and I know they can't help me".

Your husband has alot of this himself, as a matter of fact he feels that "no one can help him" and that is a big reason he "doesn't care for therapists". And you go to marriage counceling and the T tells him to lower his tone, so he tries that, but it has done nothing for his problem "with control" and "expressing whatever you do this might not be how he needs to see something done", and remember, the only emotion he can express is "anger" because he has so much stuffed inside him, god forbid he open that door, god only knows what would happen then.

Alot of men get upset when women cry in front of them, hmmm why do you think that happens? They often don't want to be around that because many men "fear" sympathizing because it might open a can of worms for them they have no idea what to do with. And from what you have discribed about your husband, there is a 12 year old boy that was scared and yet he had to keep shoving that and pressing on anyway. When did he ever get to even have a "horse" he could spend time with where he could let all his emotional challenges out?

So, "healing' includes finally allowing our emotions to come out, understanding what they are connected to, and talking about them and finally getting "validation" and another human being to finally say, "I believe you, that was scarey, sad, horrible, lonely, and you should have had help with that".

And depending on what a person's history is, this process can take time to work through so that "healing and positives begin to take place".

And a big reason why your husband gets upset by you spending so much time at PC etc, is because the "only" human being he has to "interact with" somehow, is now "unaccessable to him". And he is so challenged in how well he can "interact with you" because he never learned "how", there was "no one" there for him to teach him that either.

Open Eyes

"Coping with Emotions", ok, what does that really mean? How on earth do we do that", take a warm bath?, take a nap? treat ourselves to a glass of wine? What is anxiety anyway?

Well, the reason "why" people experience "anxiety" is because they begin to somehow lose a sense of control, they have emotions about whatever it is they are challenged by, and they try to surpress these emotions, instead of "recognizing them" and validating what they mean.

A person can go just so long with "surpressing" that after a while, they have so many "surpressed emotions" that they get "overwhelmed" and that always tells the brain, "RUN' because something is wrong. And it begins to build up cortizol and we experience an "anxiety attack". Or, the "fight instinct" kicks in and ANGER comes into play which fills us up with ADRENELINE which is energy that pumps us up with, READY FOR ACTION to defend ourselves.

OK, so we begin to ask, how we can better gain "control" again right?

If we have anxiety, we begin to hear "methods" we can use to help us learn how to "distract" our brain from the "build up of so many overwhelming problems" that the only thing it can do is produce cortizol to "get away". Ahhhh, but if we distract our brain into "slowing down" and just having one calm, slow thought, guess what? Well, the brain begins to "let go of producing cortizol" and we do slowly begin to relax.

And when we have a build up of "anger" which produces "adreneline" we can learn to do an "activity" that burns off the adreneline, and at the same time the brain begins to focus on that and slowly lets go of the anger.

The problem with this is, while we can learn how to help ourselves deal better with these emotions that present a challenge to our brains, unless we also address the "sources" of this build up, we will only be again "surpressing" the cause with "no resolve".

Even if we take some kind of "pill" to help us deal with these "chemical" overloads in our brains, unless we actually "work on the causes" we will not get the kind of "release" we need that actually brings a sense of "better mental health".

So, it is important to "recognize" emotions and allow yourself to consider the "source" of whatever is "causing these emotions to take place". And whatever that is needs to be "validated" and worked through, UNTIL YOU GAIN A SENSE OF CONTROL over the "cause".

HUMAN BEINGS ARE DESIGNED TO PROBLEM SOLVE IN ORDER TO SURVIVE AND THRIVE.

HUMAN BEINGS ARE ALSO DESIGNED TO FIND WAYS TO GAIN A SENSE OF PERSONAL CONTROL and when we do that WE FEEL EMPOWERED TO CONTINUE ON.

WHEN HUMAN BEINGS LOSE THEIR SENSE OF CONTROL THEY BECOME OVERWHELMED WITH A SENSE OF PERSONAL FAILURE.

WHEN THIS HAPPENS THEY SEARCH FOR ANY WAY THEY CAN FEEL ANY KIND OF "SENSE OF CONTROL" and SOMETIMES THAT IS IN WITHDRAWING INTO NOT INTERACTING AT ALL. Hense, we call this DEPRESSION.

Paying attention to our EMOTIONS is very important to "thriving", it is HOW WE ARE DESIGNED. Being "ashamed" or "afraid of emotions" is not being fair to "self". When we have emotions we need to "recognize it" and work on a resolve to whatever it is that makes us feel these emotions.

This is exactly why "therapy" is so important. And it is "crucial" that whatever "therapist" we have is someone we feel "safe" with so that we can open up "emotionally" and finally have these "surpressed and confused emotions" expressed without "shame, guilt, or feeling that we are wrong by having these emotions".

When a process of "validation" begins to take place, that is finally the beginning of "healing". The one person we all must learn to understand and respect is "ourselves".
The pathway to gaining a healthier sense of self is to "recognzie how human we are and the significance of our personal sense of control and understanding our own emotions".

So, the overall "goal" in "Coping with emotions" is not about SURPRESSION, but to pay attention to them, see why they are taking place, and allowing ourselves to find a way to "resolve the source" so we don't have to continue having to "surpress".

Open Eyes

I have lots to say but difficulty keeping it togehter. It's one of those day's where you crumble and can't stop falling apart. I

A lot of the things you have said are so right.

"One of the big reasons people who struggle with PTSD islolate is because they begin to realize they have "lost the ability for "self control" somehow" around other people."

I totally hate this part of PTSD. So many things you can hide but this one thing you can't and you never know when it will show up. All it might take is someone saying "How are ya" in a tone that says it's ok not to say "Great how are you".

"And when you do share your challenges and emotions, you can see "in writing" how others "validate" your emotions. OMG you say, I finally get to be "human" after all."

It is odd to be and feel like a human. Emotions were not something that was allowed when I was a kid. If it was not positive and happy then you had better stuff it and no one needs to know about it. When I was a teenager people you to say "wow you are always so happy". I thought to my self wow if you only knew. This emotion thing is very new to me. Especially the crying. It is like it has come from no where. The T I have now makes it seem like it is an ok thing, like it is no big deal it's what people do. I just don't feel that way yet. I kind of just think OH GOD not again. It scares me, I'm afraid to give in to that feeling. If I can't stop and control myslef when I let go a little what in the world would happen if I didn't hold back. I don't even know if I am capable of that .

"healing' includes finally allowing our emotions to come out, understanding what they are connected to, and talking about them and finally getting "validation" and another human being to finally say, "I believe you, that was scarey, sad, horrible, lonely, and you should have had help with that".

For some unknown reason any time someone says something nice I cry. What is that all about. You did good, I believe you, that is so sad, someone should have helped you w/ that, that was not fair to you, I cry. Those are positive statements and conferming statements. Why would that make me cry.

"a big reason why your husband gets upset by you spending so much time at PC etc, is because the "only" human being he has to "interact with" somehow, is now "unaccessable to him".

The T says the same thing. More or less he is not able to relate to people. So he gets angry because I have something he can't have no matter how hard he tries. I write his borther who is incarcerated, I talk to people on the computer. He can't relate and struggles w/ that. That is only part of the problem w/ using PC. He is insecure, he is jealous, he wants control and I want give into that, I'm connecting and forming relationships and he can't do that w/ others or me.

The T did say it only makes sence that me being the way I am and having the past that I do there is no wander I would rahter have a friendship on line, it is so much less risky then in person. That for me to even reach out on line is a huge step for me. It is the only true connection I have or have had and that alone is positive.

Thank you so much for your opinions and guidence. I just need help trying to figure life out sometimes.

Showing tears is considered good. Did you cry alot when you were little to get your way? If not, you are emotionaly mature.

No. I almost never cried. Not when I didn't get my way, not when my pony died, not when my grandma died, not when my sister got more attention then me, not when my team lost a ball game. I cried when a girl colored on my new winter coat. We didn't have the money for coats and someone gave me a coat. I cried because I knew my mom and dad did the best they could and provided a coat and now they would have to provide another coat or I'd have to wear the same one. I was gonna get beat for it. I cried because I got bad grades and I knew I was gonna get beat for that to. I cried from fear. Not from emotions like sadness, hurt, & displeasure.

((Big Mama)),

What you are beginning to realize right now, and with your experience in therapy and PC is that you did "hold back" your emotions and it goes back to your childhood. And you "are" a person who does have "empathy and emotions", you are actually a very "kind hearted nice person" BM. And these periods of "crying" are "apart of the grieving process that needs to take place in your healing".

Most people that are "in therapy" and are finally allowing their emotions to come out so they can address them, will say that "therapy" often leaves them feeling "exhausted" for a couple of days. And they often wonder if "therapy is helping them" because somehow they thought that therapy was supposed to bring "relief".

Well, "relief" is a slow process depending on what an individual has surpressed in their personal history BM, so at first "therapy" can be "tiring".

Your T saying that it is an "OK" thing to do when you release emotions, of often something many people "wonder about trusting". Often what gets in the way of "real therapy" taking place is that a person will somehow feel that by allowing themselves to express their emotions will show a therapist "how nuts or bad they are". Most people really worry about "exposing the things that upset them, make them feel vulnerable, or cause them to struggle emotionally because they feel like someone will somehow "invalidate" them and "say they are spoiled or being childish or selfish".

What you are discribing about your childhood and what you learned about "having emotions but not being able to express them" is VERY COMMON. Remember, for a very long time parents went by the thought "Children are to be seen and not heard".
In your parents time growing up, this is exactly the kind of message they learned, and extablished in their "subconscious" minds. And this isn't just "your problem" Big Mama, it is "most people's problem" and the biggest problem that we address with our "pharmacudical industry".

Remember, for a long time the answer was a pill from a bottle, and "therapy" was becoming "obsolete". It has only really been recently that we are learning the real "value" of therapy again.

BM, you know what is being studied now? Well, I happened to have a customer that is a "neuropsychiatrist" and she told me that they are now studying brain problems and how that affects "emotions" and they are also recognizing the "impact" emotions have in the brain. The way to maintain a "healthier" brain is to "reduce the overload of "emotions" that present the brain to fill with chemicals that can "hurt" the brain.

What you and many others learned growing up "hide your feelings and "deal with it" is not a "healthy way" to raise a human child. Human children are supposed to learn to "understand" what emotions are and that they "mean something" and they are supposed to slowly learn how to "ask for help when they are struggling with something they do not understand".

If you observe "human children" they slowly discover their emotions and just like anything else learn what they mean and how to express them to communicate their needs and set thier boundaries. If children are constantly told their emotions mean nothing and that they have to find ways to just "surpress them" then they simply do not grow up into "healthy human adults".

If we do not teach our children to learn how to be "assertive" and expect them to be "passive" well then we are teaching them they have to "be passive" in society. And if we allow or pay attention to a child and give them what they want when they become "aggressive" then we will teach them how to be aggressive as adults, even teach them to become "bullies and abusers".

What is a "disfunctional family"? Well, often what happens is the Father is often "aggressive and the mother can be passive" and the children are either aggressive or passive depending on how many there are and who is the oldest etc and NO ONE PRESENTS HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE so the children often grow up not only emotionally inbalanced but confused about how to really "assert themselves" effectively so they can set healthy boundaries and feel they have permission to "thrive in their lives".

Ofcourse the "disfunction" can be the opposite where an aggressive "mother" and a "passive" father is present and that can be just as bad, or can lead to the "male" children never feeling they can "control or have personal value". And if the mother is a "self absorbed Narcisist" wow, none of the children become "well balanced adults".

So Big Mama, if you think you are alone with "having challenges" think again on that one, because the supply is often "endless" of people who have challenges and feel lost. Society in general is "back paddling" because of the lack of knowledge so many parents have in regards of "raising a healthy child".

I am giving you the big picture Big Mama so you realize that "you are not alone" after all and there are alot of people that struggle much like you do and somehow "feel guilty" about it.

The busiest forum in PC is the relationship forum Big Mama, now why do you think that is? Why have you suddenly been recognizing the fact that for quite a long time your "position" you have felt is the way "you" had to survive with is 'BEING PASSIVE"?
Why, Big Mama do you have these tears? Well, the reason why you have them is because "finally" you are recognizing that "it is sad" to see what you "allowed yourself to be" and that you "could have had a choice" if someone had taught you how to be "assertive" when you were growing up.

The biggest problem most people have when they finally address "being" abused is "guilt" somehow. And "yet" they also have alot of anger in there too, and often they have "no idea" what to do with that. And often what these people are challenged with is "a sense of uworthyness" and the bottom line is that "none of this is truely "their fault" and the "truth" is that they are really NOT ALONE in having the challenge either.

Big Mama, I have met the nicest people in PC. And the constant challenge I see them facing is exactly what I have been posting about in your thread here. And they are "not stupid people" either.

Right now Big Mama, it is totally understandable that you can only seem to manage interacting the way you have been interacting. But, if you continue to "allow yourself' to "observe" grow, and learn and finally realize you are not as alone as you think you are, you will slowly be able to do the same kind of interactions with a physical person standing in front of you as well.

However, the pathway to being able to do that, is to invest the time in yourself first and slowly learn how to finally address your own history, and the emotions that go with it. But you have to realize that part of that process is "mourning" too, so you will have periods where you are going to "cry". And you are not going to have a total "resolve" right away either.

So, what you have to learn how to do is "Cope with your emotions". And what that means is "acknowledging them" understanding that they have a "purpose" and also understanding that "anxiety lets you know you are being overwhelmed" and that is all.
That the best you can do is find ways to distract your brain into "simple thoughts away from too many thoughts" so you can relax. Then you still have to allow yourself to "slowly" problem solve. And just because you "have problems and challenges" and you "don't have all the answers" doesn't mean you are "a failure" either.

My "constant" message is "self love and self care" and to develope a part of yourself that is willing to stand above, observe, practice self soothing and self care, and allow self to slowly learn. And also, very importantly" do not "self punish" just because you don't have enough resolve yet to feel you are in "control" YET.

"YET" is the word you must constantly use as a mantra that you repeat to yourself. And also, my favorite, is "one day at a time" that gives you permission to take the time one day at a time to "heal".

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

." I cried because I knew my mom and dad did the best they could and provided a coat and now they would have to provide another coat or I'd have to wear the same one. I was gonna get beat for it. I cried because I got bad grades and I knew I was gonna get beat for that to. I cried from fear. Not from emotions like sadness, hurt, & displeasure." quote Big Mama

You need to tell this to your Therapist too Big Mama. Part of your crying could be that you are afraid you are going to be "punished" somehow?

I posted what "I" have been learning myself BM, I understand the suggestions that are discussed in the literature provided. However, because I have PTSD, I can have these strong "pop up" emotions that are very different than experiencing emotions in an interaction with someone who is effecting me emotionally.

What I have found is for some reason, I sometimes have things come out of me that just "come" out. And the only way I am able to "address it" is to think about it "after" I surge like that. And I have shared that with you before.

With the "crying" you are discribing, it could be from "fear" and it could be from "mourning" what you are finally "learning" or "realizing about yourself and your past".

The "observing" that I noticed is discussed in the literature is important, it is important also when you have these responses that you don't quiet understand too.
When I have a emotional flood of somekind, I "recognize it" and then I try to see what my thoughts were at the time, and even what I had been working on in therapy, or recent interactions that may be stirring up "old memories or challenges".

So the fact that you just remembered "when you "did" cry" is important, because that was based on "fear". So then you need to ask yourself "what am I afraid of" ? And then make sure that whatever you "think it is" is something you really need to be "afraid" of. And if you don't have an answer, then talk to your therapist about it.

Open Eyes

you could be right OE. I had not thought of that. Fear is the only time I cried when I was little. It seems to be mainly when I cry now. I am afraid of my H and how much more emotional damage I can take. I fear for the furtue, that I am not making the right choice. It is very frustrating w/ my H.

My dad used to belittle me when working on math home work. I just couldn't get math. (dyslexia I suppose) He'd get angry and call me dumb, tell me if you can't figure this out then you must be a real dumb *****, If that's the right answer then I'm a monkey's uncle. (that never made since to me, but it is what he always said) I would just set and cry and wait for him to finish. That's what I do w/ my H. I want him to stop. What he's saying is not true and I'm trying my hardest to think of something to say or something else to think but I just can't seem to do it. So I just set and cry while he goes on and on. When he is done I'm left wounded w/ nothing left in me to give. I'm broken.

OE, that's it. at least part of it. Sometimes I wonder how these things get stuck in my mind and amazingly get out. I do w/ my H what I did w/ my dad. I don't know how to do differently. I intend to find out though.

I found the most amazing thing. I found an old floppy disk from back in the late 80's. I remember during the rape I kept a journal. So no one would find it I put it on this floppy disk. Now I found the disk and don't know how to get the thing read. They sure don't make those anymore. I told the T, I think I want to know what is on it or maybe I don't. If I ever do get it read I'll have to make sure to have my next T's visit asap after reading it. I wander what it contains that I have forgotten. do I really want to know what I have forgotten. I think I do. I want to get aver as much of this stuff as I can. Just putting things out there for her to see and people here to see seems to lessen my ownership of the past. It will always be mine, and be part of me. But if I don't hold on to it so tightly and give some of it away then it is not all mine to bare.

Well thank you for your hand in my growth. The lord certinly has his haqnd on you so you can help others. Thank you for all you do.

Big Mama

Yes I agree with everyone on this post, but did you ever think of the phrase : all i needed was a good cry:sometimes i wish i could cry havn't since in about 5 years, for some reason I can't cry, and the last time I did I was so relievved and it was in front of a lot of mental patients when I was in the hospital. At first they made fun of me but since it got to be soo bad as i was going on without stop, when i did stop I was told I moved them.It was the best cry i ever had, i usually never cried, but boy that felt good!!! avlady

(((((hugs)))))

(((Big Mama))),

I am sorry your father treated you so poorly. When someone has dislexia their brain simply learns differently and it takes them longer to understand things because of how their brain uses a different part to process and learn than normal. It doesn't mean the person with dislexia is dumb either, they can actually be quite intellegent and talented people.

People with dislexia become aware they don't learn on the level others learn somehow, however they do have a drive in them to adapt and push forward anyway.
It is normal for someone with dislexia to think they are "less than" however.

My daughter has dislexia and thankfully I could see something wasn't quite right and at the time Yale was running a study of dislexia and my daughter was included in the study. It was very helpful because they told me where her troubled areas were and one of her challenges is that if she is given a list of 5 or more things to remember and do, she will only remember 2 or 3 and swear that was all she was told.

That explained alot to me because if I gave her a few things to do, she never did them all, and I thought she was being "lazy". Knowing how she processed helped me to help her. And I had to constantly talk to her teachers so she would not be punished if she struggled.

She amazingly adapted to how she learned, because she was given the chance. And she did get frustrated whenever she struggled with something, but, I always made sure I never picked on her and lovingly encouraged her to keep trying. I am so grateful for having the help to understand her from Yale. So "knowledge" and "understanding" from a parent makes a big difference in how a child "builds a sense of self worth".

Her last boyfriend though didn't understand or accept the way her mind works. He would go on and on with things about himself and after a while she would "dissasociate" because it became too much for her to absorb. Whenever he would find out she didn't remember something he said, he would get really mad at her and say to her that she was selfish and lazy. And she endured that for 8 years BM. I didn't realize that was going on either, otherwise I would have made it a point to talk to him. She allowed for this because of her tendency to feel less than that is normal to those who struggle with dislexia. (You may relate to this)

When a parent is "ignorant" they can do alot of damage if a child has special needs.
Unfortunately, this happens alot, I had to suffer from that growing up because my older brother struggled and because of ignorance he was constantly punished which made it worse. It made my childhood, scarey and I was always stressed out and constantly challenged.

Big Mama, I have tears of "fear" and tears of "mourning". I never imagined that I would be looking at myself this way either. While we do know in a way that our lives shape us as we grow, we do not realize that we can adapt in unhealthy ways. We can "accept" certain behaviors that are not healthy for us because that is what we are used to, and know how to be treated and deal with it. It is as if we learn that we "deserve" to think we are "less than" and that this is "nomal" to how people will see us.

It is "normal" for anyone struggling with PTSD that can stretch back to a childhood where someone was "neglected/abused/or given unhealthy messages" to be confused. When this period begins to take place the person struggling withdraws and can begin to see "others" as "evil monsters/abusers" and begin to have a sense of "fear and helplessness" and even say "OMG, they never really loved me, I really "was" unsafe".
What also takes place as well is "anger", often periods of anger about the mean and controlling treatment of the "child" inside the PTSD victim. And the PTSD victim can really "feal that child part of them that was suffering " as if it is happening in the now. Often this creates a sense of confusion while this happens because it is as if the PTSD sufferer isn't quite in the "present" and that feels scarey too.

When I went through this myself (sometimes it still happens) I felt a million miles away from everyone and I felt there would be no way I could get others to understand how much I was struggling. And to be honest, that is just what happened too, my family didn't get it at all, even told me to stop acting like a child. It can be so scarey and incredibly lonely. That is why I reach out and take time to explain to others "not to be afraid" and they will get "better" and to "give it time" and "observe".

Big Mama, you are going to have these confusing moments while you are working through PTSD, but understand that these are "waves of emotions and memories" coming forward, and they "do" come in and then receed. And allow yourself to "observe" and after it calms down "work through it" and "allow yourself to see what it means and sometimes it can be "sad"". However, as you work through these things that come forward, you "will" weaken them as you work through them slowly.

And you will want to put these things that come forward into words and talk about them. And that is what you have been doing. And there will be times when you will show your anger and see the people "parents or anyone that you feel threatened by" as "terrible abusers". And you may often get confused about how to "react or interact with them" as well. This is "normal" to the healing, and as you learn to slowly "identify" these people and "why" they treat you and others in unhealthy or ignorant ways, you will slowly gain "better perspective" and find some "sense of empowerment" and a little "balance" and "relief".

When I post to you, what I do Big Mama, is I try to "not feed into the "he/she is the evil bad guy" scenario. Instead I try to help you see the "weakness and ignorance" that is there instead so you can have some "resolve" instead of "just anger and fear". It is important to remember, "people are what they know", and just as you have things "you don't know or understand" so do others.

When someone is challenged with PTSD, they don't always have the ability to do what is suggested in the literature given in the top of this forum. However, the advice still works if you give it "more time" and "step back" and learn how to see what you think are "abusers" better. Keeping in mind that with PTSD, a person is alot more sensitive and emotional responses or senses of danger are "magnified".

I have been "triggered" at times, even here at PC, and there were times when I just "reacted" as if I had "no control". They were usually times when I made an effort to say "leave me alone" that did not get heard. And I did try to "protect my boundaries", and when it didn't work, I would "surge" with anger I could not control. It was really challenging at home too because my husband has some very bad "intrusive and disrespectful patterns of behavior towards me". And because I want the "adult part of me to be more effective in protecting my boundaries" I can get strong and even "defiant".

Whenever I had these outbursts I could not control, once that "wave" receeded, I began to be "upset" that I over reacted. That is "normal" and when that happens, it is important to not "self punish" but to talk about it, and "learn from it" and observe it and think about finding a new way to address it. This is where the "yet" comes in because by allowing yourself to do that, you are giving yourself permission to grow and learn, verses continue to feel "stuck and confused and angry" or feeling like "a failure somehow".

There is a "real path" to healing BM, so you have to be "patient" with it and you "will" make gains. I can say first hand that there will still be "ups and downs" and "emotional challenges" but you "can" learn to work through it, and for a time you will not quite know "what you want or what your long term decisions should be" that is normal too. That will come as you make gains so be "patient".

Open Eyes

Thank you OE. It is good to know that this is in the relm of "normal". I am working on so many things right now. ME and my H, rape, memories, my issues that are present in our marriage. It is just a lot of stuff and I am pulled in a million different directions.

My H is home so I have to be short, but thank you again for all your wisdom.

Yes, it isn't as scarey when you have someone that can validate the confusion, and tell you that you will make gains on it. I know how lost PTSD can make someone feel, and yes, it is hard to "self heal" and also have to work on a relationship too.
You are doing all the right things, I can see you making progress too. So continue to be patient, try to allow as many positive thoughts as you can come forward too. You don't want to create a constant pattern of "negetive" thoughts ok?

Remember, PTSD magnifies, so if you get emotional "don't" feed into it, it can be tempting to do. Try not to allow yourself to have to "know what you want right now either" I hear you fretting about that, let that go for now, the first thing you need to do is heal, that is going to take "time" so be patient. You have a lot of "good questions", questions that others have too, so you are not as alone as you think.

(((Hugs)))