Who has parents that screwed them up??

I come from a long line of selfish, self centered, angry, unstable people. Call it genetics or learned behavior but this isnt who I want to be. I swore id never have kids and bring a person into this screwed up world and what do I do......have two kids!! I want to break the cycle with my daughter who is 4 but she already has the attitude. Its her way or youll listen to it for hours. I am afraid of raising another one of 'us'. Is there any hope for her?? Can you change the way you are after 26 years of being this person?? I try hard to be less selfish, volunteering/fundraising. I try being less nit-picky, I try real real hard.

I had the most focked up childhood you can imagine. It did mess up me in many ways BUT I did break the cycle and try to be the best father I can possibly be. I may not be the best person but at least I try to be the best father.

When my mother died I shed no tears. I had no father just a focked up step father who ignored me and never talked to me or even looked at me. He is dying and I will be thrilled when he dies too. I don't want my kids to feel that way about me. So while I have trouble showing love and compassion to others, I take exception with my children! I don't want them to ever doubt my love for them.

I use my mother and step father as examples of how NOT to be a human being. And never treat my kids the way I was treated. If it were not for my kids I'd be a total wreck or died by now.

*quietly raises hand*

My mom was always there but she had a lot of anger some which must be genetic as me and my sister are spitting images of her. Shes on meds now so shes tolerable. As for my dad I hope he dies a long and miserable death, I will not be attending his funeral. Kindof harsh but I am moving on and leaving him behind. I adored my kids as babies but now they are just kindof overwhelming. The girl though has attitude and she always had from the day she was born. She hasnt gone to daycare until recently and my son isnt so bad. He will puck on her and get her worked up sometimes but what brother hasnt.... I think part of our personalities are definatly genetic and partially taught/learned

When I was little everything was really great but in about fourth grade my step dad became an alcoholic and beat my mom and then she started doing drugs and we became homeless. I started cutting myself and then in eighth grade I started having nightmares of being raped and homeless and I developed schizophrenia. I got to the point where I was cutting every single day and my mom never said anything about it

yes I think I can say they definitely screwed me up. mom was always angry and dad would blow up sometimes. they hated each other. now they are elderly and act like everything is fine, but I know what it did to me, being rejected and verbally abused, sometimes physical.
I have come to forgive them and love them despite feeling like my life got screwed up because they weren't there for me in a good way. holding bitterness towards them does nobody any good

My mother and my grandmother were always not nice to me. I never remember my mother hugging me. My father died suddenly when I was 11. My mom totally ignored me, except for food, clothin etc. I would throw tantrums and call her at work, she did nothing. I felt like an orphan. There is so much I could write.
She & her extended family still treat me like crap..in fact I stopped going to holiday events because as I said to a friend "It is the season for my family's favorite blood sport, criticize & demean Kirby".

Yeah, my parents screwed me up too. However, I wanted to point something out about what you've posted. I'm really, really sorry if I sound like I'm attacking you.

But you say you were brought up to be a certain way, and now your daughter is like that too. Sorry, but that's still you. Your daughter is FOUR. She isn't toxic or selfish or anything, you've just been conditioned to see her that way rather than seeing what she actually needs. You need to break the cycle, now.

Your daughter is just learning the boundaries. Of course she wants things her own way! As a parent, it's your job to teach her about things like delayed gratification and regulating her emotions, not to label her as bad. Please, please read some good parenting books (I hear 'How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk' comes highly recommended) and maybe consider parenting classes.

Because what you've actually posted is essentially this: "My parents taught me I was bad and now I think my daughter is bad too." This isn't your fault, but you do need to take action and realise that you're in danger of repeating the cycle.

Hi, I don't know if mine actually screwed me up ( I have made some dumb choices in life which probably screwed me up more) but they certainly didn't help. I will keep this short tho, my mother beat me because my father was violent to her. Now with my kids, I am determined to be the best parent i can be. I have gone to councillors, parenting classes and read a couple of books not that it helps when I feel enraged over something, but I have the clarity to turn away, to let my 3 and 4 year old (13 months between them) scream it out, to stamp their feet and chuck themselves over the floor because no is no. I have learnt to ask myself, am I just saying no because I'm being lazy, petty or does it really matter if they do that. My eldest son has been diagnosed with ODD ADHD with verbal and oral dspraxia, his behaviour was shocking and downright feral and most times risky to himself and others but he has changed with a lot of help from professionals and indirectly help me to change. So yes we can all change be it what age we are. Sometimes we need faith in ourselves and a bit of help from others.

How could dad possibly have screwed me up? Just because he used to point guns at me while telling me I was human scum? Just because I saw him hold a knife to my mother's throat when I was 7, for like an hour, while he told her to confess that she was a ***** who had sex with 20 or more men every day while he was at work? Just because at the end of that particular ordeal, he cut my mom's throst to draw some blood as a "warning". just because she wouldn't leave because he would have hunted her down like dog and it would have been headline news, murder-suicide? Just because he told people in his "circle" that I had sex with my mom in front of him to hurt him? Just because he was a transvestite who believed he got a period every month, but couldn't take the time to throw a damned softball to me in the back yard? Just because he isolated us, abused us, prevented me from having anything vaguely resembling a normal childhood?

Nah, not dear old Dad. He was one Hell of a man. Father of the year material.

Not that I'm bitter about it or anything.

a mother who did not want to grow old alone, chose to let my abuser stay in the family home and babysit me when she went to the pub even after she knew what he was doing, who came home one day when I was 9, handed me a baby and said here you look after her from now on, who blamed me for scarring her precious little boy because I closed a door to keep my naked body warm. who always said she treated all the kids the same but when I asked for anything I got nothing, was not allowed to play out and come Christmas when both my brother and I asked for a computer and tv I had to watch whilst he opened his new colour remote tv, top of the range computer and sack load of games whilst I opened my new pack of knickers and pound shop selection box which I was made to share(the chocolates not the knickers!)
a man who from the moment he first set foot in the front door abused me and treated me like his personal slave whenever mother was out of sight, who lied about who had done all the jobs mother had left for him to do, who came in drunk then used it as an excuse as to why he had 'visited' my room on his way to bed, who always needed the loo whenever I was in the bath, insisted on a full mouth kiss every time I left the house, who taught me through demonstration on me how adults kiss when I was 9 years old, and who did all the right things to look like the perfect step father to everyone else.
the following happened in the week after my partner died,
a mother who brought that man to stay at my home when I specifically said not to bring him, the mother who expected me to comfort her because the passing of my partner (who she had never met) reminded her that her father died forty years earlier yet gave no comfort to me at all. that man who came into my home, told me it would be easy to sell, found, opened and read my then newly deceased partners will before I even saw it and then moaned because I was sat on the floor phoning all my mans relatives and friends to let them know of his passing! that man who tried to get into my PJ's the night after he arrived uninvited! and the mother who nearly went home when I said I wanted that man out of my house for good as he was not welcome and was not invited!

yeah a perfect role model...well at least it taught me what not to be like!

^^ this.

I was spanked as a child.. that wasn't a biggie, I think it was only twice as a child, and only after I was warned, timed out, etc (aka, used properly). But the negativity from my mother (which is still constant today, but now I recognize it's her own self-esteem issues, etc., that is the cause of it), and the fact that as a child I was just as sensitive then as I am now, made it hard.

Every time there was an argument, and I was called fat, or stupid, or lazy, or plump, or anything like that. It drove my mood further down. If I had a friend, they weren't good enough, resulting in my going through high school bullied with very few friends. I ate to try to soothe my hurt feelings, which is a terrible idea, but.. that's what I did.

I still had a great childhood overall, those were just the crappy bits that stuck out. But, I've become a pretty well rounded adult, even though I still struggle with self-esteem/weight loss/health.

parents DIDN'T screw me up but they didn't LET me do anything. "Don't touch that" "Don't eat that" "Don't go anywhere near that" "Don't you dare answer me back!" "Don't you (finish off this sentence)" So now I can't do anything...

I get where you coming from. I understand what you mean its just hard when everything "no, yuck, gimme". I have a tendecy to yell back at her and tell her thats to bad your eating it, picking up that, sitting in time out. I get upset and dont think about talking to her and listening. :'(. I requested that book from my library. Praying it helps. Thanks for your input.

To everyone else...I feel your struggle and see how we have become better, stronger people because of our parents downfalls. I wish everyone the best on your journey to being a better person. *hugs* to all!!

I learned the first year of college that EVERYONE has a dysfunctional family!

Hands up here too.

I also learned a lot from them too. Particularly later, when my mother was studying child development. A wee bit late for me, but hey, that's life.

With your daughter, think about it this way. You are her teacher for emotions, so ask:
How have I, by example, by demonstration or by specific teaching, taught her to behave?
How have I taught her to:

share with others?

do as she is asked?

consider others?

behave gently?

be grateful?

express her anger appropriately?

deal with disappointment?

If you make a mistake, say by getting really angry and yelling, do you apologise to her, explain why you behaved this way, and say you will try not to do this again? You can talk about a better way to react to feeling anger too, like taking a quick break, thinking about something else, thinking about the others point of view. Next time you feel angry, say, calmly, "I am angry, so I am going to take a minute..." or whatever you need to do.

I have the same problem, and no i dont think it can be changed. I will never have any children. If i cant deal with my life or the way i feel, whats the point in purposly putting them through it to. My mom always pretends shes the best, but wont hesitate to put me down. Im ****ed up in the head becuase of everything shes said and done. Ive had so many people die on me its unreal, ive only got her, but she doesnt understand, she doesnt care. I approach her for help, i tell her ive tried to kill myself, she just says "well you dont know what my life was like growing up" When i went into hospital 2 years ago for an overdose. I dont know whats wrong with me, i cant control my emotions, i hurt myself, if im not balling my eyes out for no reason, i just feel so numb and useless, really whats the point in lving. we all die anyway and none of us get an farther forward, whats thepoint in getting hurt over and over just to die and no one care. I always feel like my heads going to explode, and i used to be worse than i am now. I used to literally pull my hair out, i used to bang my head up the wall just so it felt like the pressure was being taken off. Im not a selfish person, i always try and be there for people, especially my mom. But why is it when you need someone, everyone ****s off. No one understands, my bf gets angry if i talk to him about it, he tries to tell me im being over dramatic, he argues with the way i feel. Its a viscious cycle, that only ends once your dead.

Yes. They tried to do well for me, and I was always taken care of in terms of material things. That's really important.

But they hated each other from before I was born. They got married so that my mother could stay in the country, and then they both had too many emotional problems to make it work. My dad didn't want to have kids with her, and she had two abortions, but decided to keep me. She would reserve her rages for my dad at first. He worked a lot. When I got to be 7 or so, more of an individual, her rages started really coming at me as well. There was also the flip side - the silent treatment. She would fly into a rage - sometimes anything would set her off - and then she wouldn't look at me or talk to me for a few days.

They separated when I was 11 and divorced when I was 13, which was a relief. Unfortunately, the rages/silent treatment also peaked around that time. During the year when I was 13, three days was the longest stretch of time where my mother wasn't angry at me.

Also unfortunately, she chose to completely turn me against my dad. To this day I don't fully trust him because I didn't connect with him early on and I still have no idea how much of what she said is true.

My dad got it together more and is really trying with his second family, which is great. My mother downward spiraled. She's now one of those people who hates everything and everyone, completely friendless and alone.

In adult life, she borrowed $40,000 from me over about 5 years (from when I was about 21-26) and would get furious at me if I refused to lend her everything she wanted. As with most people in that age range, I really didn't have the money for her most of the time, but she didn't understand that. Finally, she sold her house and did actually pay me $25,000 back a couple of months ago, which was surprising but wonderful. I still have no interest in developing a relationship with her. We're not officially no contact, but it's close to that, because she's not particularly interested in having a relationship with me either - once she stopped needing money, she stopped calling me.

Not as bad as for some others, but yes, my childhood was a bit screwed up.

I've witnessed similar incidents too. Let me ask u a question and u don't need to reply. Did it make you more violent growing up?

Wow, you had it rough.

My parents did their best to mess us up. My father (or shall I say the man I was raised to believe is my father, the DNA tests aren't back yet) was an abusive alcoholic, mostly abusive to my mother. My mom was loving and caring, yet to worry tending to her own survival to be there for us. I have lost of issues as a result, but am a strong believer that i can be a strong parent despite them.

I often reflect on my own childhood. What needs weren't met? Am I meeting those needs for my children? How did I feel when ______? How can I help my children through those feelings?

Even though I can't learn by example of what parenting should look like, I was able to get a pretty good idea of what it should not be like and I've worked very hard to use that knowledge to do things better for my childre. While none of us are the perfect parent, overall I'd say my husband and I do OK.

When I have those moments were i am angry and feel the urge to completely flip out, I remind myself I can't be angry at my parents for what they've done if I'm repeating those same behaviors.

Um, no, the opposite really, I'm about as non-violent as it gets. In fact, I was (ok, still am, but am working on it) very much a doormat and punching bag for the world at large. I always just "took it" and never fought back. In all kinds of situations, from normal childhood teasing/bullying to work situations to consumer situations like being ripped off by a repair shop. In retrospect, that all makes sense, because any attempt to challenge him growing up brought hellfire raining down upon not just me, but also more intensely on my mother, so I had not only fear but also guilt for bringing it down on her. My MO in facing aggression was to try to survive the moment, and then fall apart in private.

Interestingly, I have been in one physical fight in my life -with him. I was about 22-23, and I found out he had, for several years, been telling people in his circle of whoever the hell those people were, friends/work contacts, that my mother and I had sex in front of him on a regular basis to "spite" him. It was the last straw, I vowed to get him out if our lives forever. My mother was afraid to leave him, she said he would hunt her down and kill her. And I believe he was fully capable of that, would have been one if those murder-suicide things you see on the news. I got an attorney with experience in MH and domestic situations, got her to start the divorce paperwork, got her to her brother's with the help of several of her relatives who were basically strangers to me. Weird stuff was going down, he cleaned out all of their bank accounts, etc, and was planning something dire, I'm sure of that. Well, I was doing my own reconnaissance, whatever I could to try to get him away for us. And, I caught up with him, or he with me really, at the house. I had a strategy, let him attack me so I could have him charged and possibly held for psych observation. It went in about 2 minutes from extreme screaming to slugging it out. My sister was with me, my oldest sister who "got it" about him more than the others, who were in pretty deep denial about how and the abuse was. She called 9-11. He threw the first punch, but I went kinda nuts and hit back as hard as I could ... Long story short, we both ended up in the back of separate police cars, and I almost got arrested, and he, being a chameleon who could charm the world and lie through his teeth, blamed it all on me - and the cops got to hear how I had sex with my mother. They let us both go, I was falling apart at that point and told them I didn't,want to press charges, and for whatever reason he didn't against me. But, a little while after, I realized I had more cojones than I thought. Not much, mind you, but at least a little.

One of the things I told myself after I fell apart big time last year and ended up at the hospital was that I needed to get tough. Really tough, because that is the only way to survive. I fell apart because I was weak. Or so I thought. I have kind of revised my thinking. Strong isn't the same as tough.

I did do one thing that I thought would bring out aggression in an acceptable way. I took boxing lessons. I thought it would be like staring him down, facing him like a man again, that I could somehow psychologically get a "do-over" with any random guy serving his role as my competitor. The first couple of sessions I guess I thought I was going to be Rocky or something - well, that lasted about two sessions. Because I quickly found out at that level, it was just a fun, healthy way to get a good workout. And that the trainer and other guys were very friendly, great guys, not what I expected, not young, "tough guys" but all older professionals, doctors, attorneys, cpa's, so I fit right in and made friends. After a few weeks, nothing about it felt aggressive, I was having too much fun, it was all very lighthearted and good natured - hard to feel aggressive trying to throw and deflect punches with another guy when it feels like a couple of kids goofing around having a good time. Found myself laughing at the conversation during sparring, it was so not an aggression situation. It was a great upper body workout though.

This Be The Verse
BY PHILIP LARKIN

They **** you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were ****ed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

This Be The Verse by Philip Larkin : The Poetry Foundation

Well done for ordering the book. Doing that and reaching out here is all a great step. The thing is, it's hard because your parents didn't model good behaviour for you. You haven't experienced good parenting yourself - and for that I am sorry - so you need to gather some of the knowledge you are missing.

Kids tend to act out for four main reasons: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. So HALT is a good way to remember it. If she doesn't agree with you, if she wants her own way, what's the worst that can happen? Are you stressed about the behaviour, or your authority being challenged? The best way to deal with a kid not eating what they're given is to say: "Oh dear, you're not hungry," quietly take it away, and... that's it.

I think one of the most destructive lessons we learn from toxic parents is the need for a parent to be right, to be unquestioned. So she doesn't want to do things your way, she gives you earache about it. Oh well. Nobody's going to die as a result. Unquestioning obedience isn't actually good - it may make your life easier in the short term but really you want her to think for herself. It's okay if your child doesn't seem to like you, it's okay if they seem to be questioning your authority. You are in charge really, and you don't need to prove that to them or you.

If you don't like her behaviour, ignore it. When she behaves how you want, praise her. Make a big fuss. Children want attention, so make sure she gets attention for positive behaviour, not for being 'bad'. See, children don't really want to annoy you, it's just this is how she can get your attention right now.

I wish you luck

My situation isn't as bad as a lot of people. But my parents weren't exactly the greatest. My father has been cheating on my mother their whole marriage, and he always puts his affairs and desires in front of his family. He also has issues with drinking and gambling. When I was going through my biggest spout of depression and panic attacks a few years ago, he yelled at me and blamed all his marriage problems on me. It hurts, I know it's not true, but at the same time I have trouble not blaming myself. I wish he was more of a dad sometimes.