Can't cope and move on

Hello. Is there someone who can talk with me? I feel so many feels. And every one of them is very-very bad. Not so long ago i got double betrayal. My ex gf cheated on me with my ex best friend and dumped me to be with him. We dated for 2.5 years and with guy we were friends for 15 years. Since then my life became one big hell of misery. I cry myself to sleep every night. They were huge part of my life, almost only people who cared about me. I can't understand how could they do it to me. I keep blaming myself for things that i did wrong to them. I know wont ever talk with them ever-ever again. This is soul-crushing comprehension. Nobody around me can't understand what i am going through. I feel like the whole world abandoned me. When i imagine them together and having sex i feel so bad and shattered that i don't want to live anymore. I went to therapist 3 times, but we didn't really make progress and his appointments are expensive. I feel like i am broken as a person, as a male, as a human being. My self-esteem is below zero. I feel like i ruined my life completely to the point of no return. I wont ever find a girl like my ex and friend like him. They were irraplacable and still i lost them. I am too weak to live alone without people to back me up.
Well, you get the picture of my life. I can tell more details if someone will be interested. Is there any point to live when you are so miserable like i am? When you know that never be happy ever again?

I think you have to give life chances, you'll never know if you'll be happy ever again until you give life a chance.

I know how hard it is to lose friends, I have accepted the fact that I can never move on. All things I shared, I can never get back. I don't think people are 'substitutable', every person is different, and every soul has something unique to offer to you as a friend. But you will find more friends soon, and it will alleviate the pain of losing your ex best friend and ex gf. I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through.

Talk about a couple of pieces of $#@&. Who would want to replace friends like that?

There's plenty of reasons to give life another chance. Especially getting real friends and dating a good girlfriend. There a plenty of people out there that wouldn't have pulled that on you and should walk away and not look back.

This is a horrid, twisted up situation in which I have found myself. The loneliness is crippling as is the intrusive thoughts of the past. Put me in the psych hospital 3 times this year. The only thing I've been able to see so far is that I keep remembering who these people were, not who they are.

It sounds like you had these two way up on a pedestal that they belonged on only in your own mind. I'm so sorry for the unbelievable pain you must be going through. These two found you serving some purposes in their lives. You thought it was all about love. I don't think this is how love ends. When things end like this, I got to wonder if there was ever any real love there . . . . or just passing time, till something better came along.

You say you have been very alone except for these two people. Maybe that led you to invest each of them with all these wonderful virtues that they never possessed. You were living in a world created by your dreams of what you wanted to be true. But it was never true . . . . never real.

Now you are forced to deal with how these two really feel about you . . . . that they don't particularly care. My heart goes out to you. It does sound like you really believed they did.

So you believed in what wasn't real and found out that it was all an illusion. Or mostly an illusion. That sets you free to live in reality. Reality can be a very cold and lonely place, I know. But you can move on to other relationships. I know that right now you have no interest in that. You have no interest in all the people in the world around you whom you don't know. But I promise you that there are worthwhile people out there.

I still miss them. How pathetic is that? They were good in so many ways to me, i still don't understand how could they do it to me. How to stop imagining them having sex? It kills me literally. And how to trust anyone and let somebody new in your life, after something like this? How to avoid becoming bitter, heartless and evil person who want to take revenge on the whole world, especially on women?

You're not pathetic for missing them. You do have some happy memories, and you are honest enough to remember that. A lesser person would be going around saying, "Well, now that I look back on it, she was never any dang good anyway . . . . and neither was he." But that's not you. You saw what was worthwhile in these two people, and I don't doubt that they had their moments of relating to you in a satisfying way. You all did have some good times together. You're refusing to disown the truth of that.

Unfortunately, you now discover that they didn't value you as much as you thought they did. And they knew very well that you were trusting them more than you should have. And they let you. Pretty mean, I would say. So you will be a little more cynical about people from now on. Well, that's part of what experience does for us. Some of life's lessons are sad ones. But we need to learn them, if we aren't going to be successful in getting what we need out of life.

You can actually start to understand how they could do what they did. Here's the missing piece of the puzzle: Whenever someone is spending time with you, it's usually because being with you is serving to meet some need they have. They are not there primarily to meet your need. They are seeking their own satisfaction in life. At some point, this person may come to genuinely care about you in a loving way. But some people have other reasons to stick around that don't have much to do with love or caring. It is your job to figure out why that person is really hanging around. And you can't just ask them and go by what they say. They may not understand their own motivation. And there are people who won't tell you the truth. It is your job to figure that out.

How do you do that? Well, you try to learn what the person's values are. You watch how that person treats other people. You listen to that person talk about how he, or she, treats and feels about other people. Can you honestly tell me that, after 2.5 years, you had no reason in the whole world to think that your girlfriend wasn't all that sweet of a gal? If you make that claim, then I have got to figure that you need to start paying more attention to how people act and what their actions mean. How did she treat her parents, siblings, pets, etc? When she told you about previous boyfriends, if there were any, how did she say those relationships went? Did you ever see her do anything really unselfish and nice for the people around her? How does she talk about the people she works with, if she has a job? Everybody's got a "track record."

Here is the answer to your question about how to trust people: You don't. You have no right to trust anyone that you do not know. Also, you have no right to think that a person is going to treat you any better than they are in the habit of treating others. You only trust a person as you come to know they deserve that trust. You base this on what their behavior tells you about their character.

Now, do you really think that two people who treated you mean are going to be all that wonderful to each other? I highly doubt it. Yeah, they might be in the honeymoon phase of their relationship at the moment. But that won't last.

Finally, why be mad at everyone in the world because of what two people did to you? If that kind of thinking represents your values, then you aren't much of a person either. There are other people out there who would also treat you bad. And there are people who wouldn't. It's your job to figure out who's who. You base that on the evidence of what values people hold. Don't worry. They'll give you plenty of evidence to work with, if you just look and listen . . . and think about it.

> You do have some happy memories, and you are honest enough to remember that.
The thing is - they stopped being happy to me, despite the fact that some of them were truly best moments of my life. I feel like all my life has been a lie and i understood it just now. In the end, the good memories hurt even more than crappy ones, because i know that they were illusions and i had nothing better than them at all. I wish i could just erase them all, without exceptions. But no, i have to live with them for the rest of my life. Its soul-crushing.

>this person may come to genuinely care about you in a loving way.
I really thought that they did. Three weeks before betrayal she got me 2 self-made presents, one of them was statue of two cat-lovers, which i broke after. I cry when i think about it. Why she did that? How could she change so fast? And ex-friend, just two months before betrayal made a promise that he would never leave me. How could he betray me so much after such words?

> Can you honestly tell me that, after 2.5 years, you had no reason in the whole world to think that your girlfriend wasn't all that sweet of a gal?
Yes, i can. All of your questions - she was very caring to almost everybody in her life, including myself. I paid her back with the same caring attitude.

>You have no right to trust anyone that you do not know.
I knew this dude for 15 years. I think i had right to trust him. Or maybe i am fool and all this time he just waited for opportunity to crush me. If so, he succeeded. How could i not see his desire to ruin my life?

>Now, do you really think that two people who treated you mean are going to be all that wonderful to each other?
Sadly, but im sure of it. I saw that they were getting along with each other much better, that each of them was getting alone with me, ever. They have so much positive energy. And the ex-friend is filthy rich, a young millionaire, he has unlimited possibilities to treat people nice, especially my ex. I know that he already gave her presents so expensive that i could never afford. They will float in happiness and luxury while i will have to struggle with extreme depression and poverty.

>Finally, why be mad at everyone in the world because of what two people did to you?
Because i got so much anger, hate and destructive energy from this situation. The desire to get revenge on them is incredibly strong. I want to ruin their perfect life, like they ruined mine. And since i know that its impossible to get this revenge, im afraid that i would direct this destructive energy in the outside world. I tried martial arts already and it didn't help at all. Any advice how to avoid getting revenge and deal with destructive energy?

You miss what you lost. That's normal. But to say that, since you didn't get to keep what you once had, then you are sure you will never have anything again is basically a heavy duty case of sulking. Go ahead and waste your life that way, and you never will have anything again to be happy about. Life involves painful losses. The pain subsides, as we replace what was lost with what we then move on to discover.

A young man picks up the phone and is told that his wife and children were all killed in a highway accident or murdered by a home invader. It happens. I don't know how anyone recovers from that kind of painful loss, but people do. He'll live with the loss for the rest of his life, but he can recover his sanity and happiness. I'm not sure I could, but people do. And plenty of people have recovered from losses exactly like yours.

So you thought that, if someone promises never to betray you, then you should be able to go by that? So you thought that people can be depended on to keep their promises? Well, now you know different . . . . they can't. People are always breaking promises. That's why we have a court system to enforce contracts. You can never, ever depend that someone is going to do anything (or not do anything) just because they promised you. Maybe you think that people should keep their promises. So do I. But that's not how people always are. It's time you caught on to that.

If you are struggling with poverty, then maybe you shouldn't be hanging around with a millionaire guy friend. I'ld recommend you get to know people in circumstances more similar to your own. Also, I'ld recommend you work on getting out of poverty. Lots of women don't care about getting real expensive presents, but they do tend to care if a man can support himself and any future children who might come into the picture.

There have been men in your situation who have committed murder to vent their anger. You probably could ruin the lives of your ex and friend, if you make that your goal. You can direct your energy in whatever direction you choose. You can be creative, or destructive. If you believe that experiencing heartbreak gives you an excuse to be destructive, then I really don't have any advice for you. In fact, if that is the way your mind works, then I'm starting to see why this girlfriend might have decided to move on. Based on what you've told me about how you look at life, I think a girl would have to be an idiot to want to hang around with you.

>You miss what you lost. That's normal. But to say that, since you didn't get to keep what you once had, then you are sure you will never have anything again is basically a heavy duty case of sulking. Go ahead and waste your life
Sometimes it seems like its already wasted. I still want to fill the void that i have after them. Im afraid to invest in relationships anymore. How to supress this fear?

>A young man picks up the phone and is told that his wife and children were all killed in a highway accident or murdered by a home invader. It happens. I don't know how anyone recovers from that kind of painful loss, but people do. He'll live with the loss for the rest of his life, but he can recover his sanity and happiness. I'm not sure I could, but people do. And plenty of people have recovered from losses exactly like yours.
I admire such people. I personally think of myself as a weak-minded person that can't compare to those examples of strong mind fortitude. Some think that intense suffering is capable of making people stronger. Do you agree?

>If you are struggling with poverty, then maybe you shouldn't be hanging around with a millionaire guy friend. I'ld recommend you get to know people in circumstances more similar to your own. Also, I'ld recommend you work on getting out of poverty.
We started together in poverty, 15 years ago. I did support him for his project that gave him wealth. You think that i should have dropped our friendship the moment he got rich? I regret introducing them to each other, thats for sure. And im no so bonderline poor as you might think. I still styding and can have only part-time job until i get my diploma. Many people of my age don't work at all, because parents give them all the money. I don't have that possibility. And 60% of my income went for my ex needs.

>Based on what you've told me about how you look at life, I think a girl would have to be an idiot to want to hang around with you.
Thats very harsh words you said and it was very painful to read. Do you honestly think that i deserved such words? This is not supportive at all, i will feel bad all night because of it. You got completely wrong impression of me. When i wrote words about revenge i was very upset, now i feel remorse for even writing them. You think im some thug that going around killing and robbing people? You are so wrong. I don't even capable of doing the things that i wrote. This kind of thoughts started to appear only after their betrayal, because my mind went insane. I lost control of my emotions and anger is of them. In fact, i never harmed my ex in any way or expressed this kind of destructive behavior. All i did for her was supreme good attitude. You can't imagine how much time, money and emotional support i gave her. I hope you will change your mind about me. I also have obsessive disorder with depression tendencies. Two years ago my previous doctor said that i can be on meds if i wanted to. And so i was on meds for 2 years. My ex talked me out of them, said that "i didn't need them to be happy". When i stopped taking them, my mind changed, i became more unstable, bitter and depressed. And instead of helping me getting through this phase, she started to reproach me for negative changes. If i would have taking pills and spoiling my brain further, its possible that we would be still together. This is one hard regret i have.

Do people deserve to hear your threats of violence and rage and revenge . . . how you want to take out your disappointment out on women in general . . . how you might just turn your destructiveness against the world?

When you talk stupid crap, you're going to turn people off. That's real good that you say you don't fully intend any of those threats. I had a feeling that maybe you didn't. However, if you sit around decorating the inside of your head with garbage, your mind is going to start to stink, and your behavior will follow. We become what we think about.

Maybe you could benefit from medication. Then go get it. But you need something else. You need to examine your values . . . your ideas about right and wrong. You've made a lot of threatening statements that nobody has a right to make. Don't say wicked things that you don't mean, if you want anyone to respect you.

About suffering: I don't think it is possible to be a strong person without going through suffering. All human beings must learn to deal with suffering, if they want their lives to be anything good. Sometimes, suffering can overwhelm a person and maybe destroy that person. But most people, especially young people, can get through way, way more suffering than they believe they have the strength to bear.

I can't predict whether you'll come out of this experience a better, stronger person. But I will predict that, if you keep thinking stupid stuff, you have absolutely no chance at all. I will say, again, that no girl should spend 5 minutes with a man who is entertaining the kind of thinking that you've been wrapping your mind up in. And no girl worth having would bother.

So start there. Say, "I'm in pain, and maybe I'm going to cry myself to sleep every night for a month. But, now I will have more compassion for others who are in pain. Also, I will not want to be the cause of pain to others. I will treat others the way that I would like to be treated." Say that over and over and you will be on the right path. And your brain will work a lot better.

What happened was really awful and painful. You're just going to need time to grieve and mourn for these two people you loved who broke your heart.

Regardless of how it looks now, they will run into problems both together in life, and separately in the future. And they will each miss you and they will come to regret what they did.

Meanwhile, you must focus on yourself. Give yourself time to grieve. But focus on your studies and on everything that will improve your life. I'm very sorry you went through such a painful experience. Good luck.

Look - there was some commonality between you and your then friend, right?

Usually friends have something in common and other things quite different, and that interplay of commonalities and differences is what sustains the friendship.

Given that there were commonalities between you and your then best friend, it is not altogether startling that your ex gf would eventually get interested in your friend. Add to this an extreme level of income disparity between you and him (presently) and that might have tipped the scales in his favor, and I do not mean just $$$ he spends on gifts he buys for her - he must be confident, comfortable, self-assured from all that wealth (which he got through his projects and not from his parents, so he is entitled to take pride in being financially independent). And you paled in comparison with him. Or maybe you did not pale in comparison, but simply your relationship with your ex girlfriend had run its natural course and had come to a halt.

These two people did not owe you the duty of care - there were not trustees obligated to protect your best interest because they were administering a trust whose beneficiary you were. I am rushing now and I did not have time to read through all the exchanges, but I think I noticed that Rose was telling you that your relationship partners have their own needs, too - they are not there to protect your best interest only. From what you wrote, the gf was caring when she was in a relationship with you, but eventually she shifted her interest on your friend.

The very best approach for you is to not erase them from your life but assume a cool attitude towards the whole thing and reconnect with them. You said that you pretty much did not have anybody else, so go back to them as a friend. Your former best friend possibly feels guilty enough to at least think of you first when some income opportunities arise on his horizon (unless he is independently rich and does not do projects anymore, something will come up that might be of value to you financially - people who do projects have needs or come in touch with others who have needs, sooner or later).

The imagination that runs those scenes of their having sex in your mind will eventually slow down, and if you are up to a little challenge, you can try the paradoxical approach, aka desensitization. Instead of trying NOT to imagine their having sex together, make it a CHORE for yourself to imagine their having sex together every time you eat. Or go to the bathroom. Or brush your teeth - tie it to something that happens several times a day. And if your imagination runs wild outside of those designated times, occupy yourself with something and tell your brain - look, we have a session for this coming up in 45 minutes when I will be having dinner. Right now, I am busy. Then, we will imagine all the things the ex friend/gf are doing.

You might become bored after awhile, but most importantly you will be facing your imagination rather than shunning it (which will not work either way).

If you can manage to graciously reconnect with both of them as friends, they will have enormous respect for you since you would come out victorious out of a challenging situation. And feeling respected is so much better than feeling vengeful!
Good luck!

>Do people deserve to hear your threats of violence and rage and revenge
I didn't threat anyone. I was upset and tried to express my negative emotions.

>When you talk stupid crap, you're going to turn people off.
I admit that i wrote stupid crap. But do you really expect that traumatized people like me would talk wisdom and smart things all of a sudden? As i said earlier, my mind is broken right now, so be polite enough to cut me some slack. You are so quick to judge people. Did you ever experience betrayal by closest friends and lovers? I seriously doubt it. And even if you did, it sure was a single person, not two of them. So you can't possibly imagine what it feels like and what kind of thoughts are appearing in mind in condition like that.

>Maybe you could benefit from medication. Then go get it.
I wont because side effects were awful. They are highly addictive. Its will be twice as hard to break that habit again.

>Sometimes, suffering can overwhelm a person and maybe destroy that person.
Thats what happened with me. I am trying to restore myself. Not sure if its possible.

>spend 5 minutes with a man who is entertaining the kind of thinking that you've been wrapping your mind up in.
I will try to change my ways of thinking, but its not enough to attract girls. I also need to deal with negative emotions that captured my mind. Thats why i created the thread in this section.

So, i want to know how to cope with following emotions:
- self-blame (for introducing them to each other)
- regret (for not taking radical actions when it needed)
- humiliation (for realizing she found him as better man than me)
- idealizing the past (like ive lost the best thing that happened to me)

>So start there. Say, "I'm in pain, and maybe I'm going to cry myself to sleep every night for a month.
I cry almost every few days for 3 months already. I don't know how much time do i need. The situation already ruined health of mine and health of my mother. Im afraid i will end up in psychiatric clinic and become insane vegetable. I would go for it, but i don't the possibility because of studies and work obligations.

>But, now I will have more compassion for others who are in pain.
I will for sure. But why i should me compassion for those who caused pain?

>And you paled in comparison with him.
Thank you, captain obvious. Don't you understand that words like that can hurt? I compare myself to him every day already. I actually want to know how to stop comparing myself to him, because it brings me to suicide desire.

>These two people did not owe you the duty of care
So, you are saying that best friends and lovers should not care about each other? Do you personally treat your friends and lovers like that, without any duty of care? If so, i don't need advices from you.

>assume a cool attitude towards the whole thing and reconnect with them
Impossible. I burned all the bridges already and wont ever speak with them ever again.

>feels guilty enough to at least think of you first when some income opportunities
I wont ever trust him enough to participate in any sort of his projects. The idea of even speaking to him disgust me.

>make it a CHORE for yourself to imagine their having sex together every time you eat
I heard about the paradoxical approach in therapy, but as i know, it makes sense only when it comes to body deviations, like insomnia, tremor or panic attacks. When its about extremely painful memories and imaginations, such as mine, it doesn't work.

Mefisto... I know you're hurting badly here as are everyone else on this site. People really are trying to reach out to you, to help you and also show that there are caring and people in this world. I also know you're thinking that the way you're feeling is how you're going to feel forever... Again we are all feeling this way too. It seems to me that you're focusing on trying to find someone else? We all heal differently I know, but in my experience it's best to start working on yourself first, before even contemplating another relationship. That of course only MY opinion.
I guess also what I'm getting at is like I said earlier people here supporting you with every response they are giving you... I just feel that you are negative towards everyones responses, especially when you said earlier that you don't have ANY ONE to talk to you. You have a lot of people here caring for you. I know some of the responses you feel are very harsh and this may sound harsh to you too... But sometimes the truth hurts.
Just try to absorb some of the things that people are saying and think about it before you send a reply back, as you may find your words coming across more negative than you intend them to be? Sometimes words can come across more negative without the tone of your voice and your body language. Jeez I hope this makes sense? I'm not in a good place myself :s

xXx

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Mefisto - paradoxical approach is not limited to insomnia and is just what the dr ordered for you, but if you do not want to try it, that is fine. Just do not assume that it would not work. You are making it very difficult for pretty much everyone to help you because you get defensive and assume the position of a hurt victim and not a problem-solver. If you want to solve this problem, you need to be able to tolerate the thought of her choosing him because at that point you paled in comparison. If you do not face the somewhat unpleasant reality, you will be stuck in this vicious circle for a very long time. That you think that you burned your bridges is not news to me, captain obvious, and when I suggested that you graciously resolve the situation by going back to them as a friend, I mean exactly that you would resolve it despite having done things that made you believe that you burned the bridges with them. Had you not burned the bridges, going back to them would not have required grace and diplomacy, so by writing "graciously" I showed to you that I realized that you thought that you burned the bridges. Thus, before you tell others that they are captain obvious, you need to take a hard look at yourself and see if you by any chance are captain obvious.

If you want this thread to be a rant, just say so. People post rants - it is OK - but they are upfront about it. You posted as a problem to solve and not as a rant, but you pretty much have resisted any attempt by anyone to give you suggestions by always being defensive. It is exasperating to see how you do not let people help you in any way - the responses on your thread have come from different angles as people have been trying different approaches, all to be met with defensiveness and reproach.

When they say that when a person does not want to help himself, others cannot help him, either, there might be some truth to it, after all.

By the way, the last post does display a bit of paranoia in that you would not trust ex best friend to involve you in his projects. What do you mean by that? Is he a mafia member to have such full control over what you would be paid in cash by helping you with his projects? Unless he is a mafia member, there would be some written agreement outlining the scope of your tasks and what you will be paid - you will not be at his mercy; you would be providing services for a fee.

You are also confusing the duty of care with simple caring. the duty of care that, say, a professional you engage, such as a dr., or a bank administering a trust in your name, have to you requires them to first and most protect your best interest, even if their best interest suffers. In couples, love/friendship, people care about one another but also, ideally, care about their own self-interest. You do not necessarily know whether the ex best friend simply callously disregarded your best interest. He probably considered it, but decided that his desire to be with your gf was more important to him that your loss of the gf and even his loss of you as a friend. He advanced his best interest. That it hurts you is very understandable, but you should also realize that he has his own desires, his druthers, plans, etc. I am not clear how exactly the gf went from you to him, but it seems that she dropped you very soon after she got on with him. So it is not as if she had been leading a double life for years, deceiving you in the process. She rather dumped you for him. It is hurtful to you, but you did not own her. By saying that THEY had a duty of care to you, you forget that this belief would lead you to acknowledge that YOU had a duty of care to THEM. But then their happiness should have figured into the equation.

If you start seeing it as a complex matter and not as a "the world is all against me and I am a victim in all of my important relationships", you might feel better soon simply by disengaging from the perpetual victimhood.

What would you do if you were your gf? What would you do if you were your ex best friend?

>You are making it very difficult for pretty much everyone to help you because you get defensive and assume the position of a hurt victim and not a problem-solver.
Yeah, saying to the person who just got dumped that "she did the right thing, no girl would ever hang out with you" is very helpful. And pointing in obvious reasons, saying that "he was just better than you" and justifying behavior of betrayers like they actions were totally fair and morally right is also very helpful. I asked about coping with specific emotions and you ignored that question.

>If you want to solve this problem, you need to be able to tolerate the thought of her choosing him because at that point you paled in comparison.
I faced it long time ago. I can't forgive myself for losing that competition because at the time i was stupid enough to did not see that this competition even started.

>That you think that you burned your bridges is not news to me, captain obvious, and when I suggested that you graciously resolve the situation by going back to them as a friend
Thank you for "suggestion". Its impossible to me to be "friend" with them after how they treated me.

>You do not necessarily know whether the ex best friend simply callously disregarded your best interest.
Yes, he did. He knew that going after bestfriend girlfriend is taboo, that its very wrong thing, but did it anyway.

>I am not clear how exactly the gf went from you to him, but it seems that she dropped you very soon after she got on with him.
She did not "dropped" me in classic way. She didn't say anything at all. She made me spent on her all my salary and more, i went to large debt to gave her different presents everyday and gave her impressions of different events and places, which also were expensive. She told that she was upset at our relationship, but could not explain what she was upset about in particular. One day she just turned off all her phones, started to ignore all my messages, all my attempts to contact her. Same thing did my friend. I didn't know whats going on and was in panic. It was 3 weeks like that. One day friend finally picked up phone and confessed in everything, said that she decided to dump me, but was afraid to tell me personally. Our last conversation was so traumatazing that i feel hurt even today with that memory.

>If you want this thread to be a rant, just say so. People post rants - it is OK - but they are upfront about it. You posted as a problem to solve and not as a rant, but you pretty much have resisted any attempt by anyone to give you suggestions by always being defensive.
I am defensive because your words are cruel and not helpful at all. Maybe you have hidden desire to help and if you have, i thank you for it. But it seems like your personality is so different from mine, that we can't understand each other. You never were in such circumstances as mine and because of it you have no empathy whatsoever. I wish to you to be in my place at some point. If your lover would tell he/she loves you, then drain all your energy and money and right after dump you to be with your bestfriend, without any explanation, just because you "paled in comparison", maybe then you will understand how i feel. I don't see sense in this thread anymore. Sorry for the "rant" i created.

Well, you should have presented key facts up front.

Giving a gf presents every day is HIGHLY ABNORMAL. If THAT is what was going on, you need to RUN to a therapist because you have a web of unresolved issues. You need intensive therapy now. That you are still thinking of this a competition which you could have won is irrational, but that is not the most important thing. The most important thing is that you did not have a social circle besides those two people, that you behaved stupidly with the gf in financial terms, and that now you have no friends. The daily presents are so abnormal that what happened afterwards does not matter very much. What you need is not learning how to move on, but to engage in therapy to analyze what was happening during those 2.5 years and think about how you can protect yourself from getting into such mess another time.

To repeat - the problem is not in that you got dumped, but in that you put all your energy and money into the gf giving her daily presents.

If you read the forum called Relationships and Communications, you will see that people get dumped every day.

But I have never read an account of anyone who was showering the gf with daily gifts. Especially large! Especially on credit! You were insane. Your behavior was insane. Go to a therapist even if you need to borrow MORE money to pay the therapist, because successful therapy will save you money in the long run by making you spend reasonably in future relationships.

Also, and finally, giving daily presents is stupid. Even for your best friend (formerly and now a foe) who is filthy rich, giving daily presents would be extremely stupid. Presents given so frequently lose value and show desperation. Part of a gift's value is in how thoughtfully it is chosen and how special it is for your special gf. There is no way to achieve it if you give presents daily - the frequency diluted the value of your gifts to zero.

OMG, I have read SO many stories on this site, but you are the first man to report going into debt to give his gf a LARGE PRESENT DAILY.

No, therapy is a must. This is too complex.

I started to gave her presents only for the last two weeks. I made a huge mistake, after i gave her a beautiful ring, then she asked for ipad, said she she needed it for studies. I told her i can't afford it at the moment, maybe i could buy some cheaper tablet with time when i save up a little money. But she said that she needed it for urgent and asked a permission to ask my ex-friend to buy her as birthday present since he has a lots of money. I was foolish enough to say that she can ask him about it. And of course he bought her best ipad in the shop and that raised attraction between them. She started to talk about ex-friend everyday, what a great and cool guy he is. Well, i felt bad about it, so i borrowed money and wanted to show her that i can give her nice things too, that im not worse than him. And apparently, result was exactly opposite of my intention and i did a lot of other mistakes. Now im stuck with incredibly strong regret and self-blame. I remember exactly what i did what made her lose respect and feelings for me. I feel so disgusted by my actions. I left them alone for 30 minutes one time. Still cant forgive myself for it. Sex with me was so bad for her, i couldnt last more than 8 minutes, so she wasnt satisfied. I said so stupid and pathetic words to her, still cant believe how i could say it. Like my life is empty and boring without her. Like i dont like my life in general and she is my only hope to get better. How could i be such blind and dumb idiot? Now i see that everything that happened is my fault only. How to live with this? I cant take it anymore. Im out of money and cant afford any more therapy. And its impossible to borrow more money for now. This is dead end.

If you cannot afford therapy, call or better stop by your local mental health clinic and get schedules of peer support groups. Tell this story in peer support groups and hopefully this will provide enough of reality testing to get you out of that current cocoon of irrational regret. Your situation is very serious - you are not making any sense and you are not processing any of the feedback you have been receiving on this thread, much less generalizing from the feedback. It could also be depression that clouds your judgment and dulls your cognitive sense. If you go see a psychiatrist and possibly take antidepressants on a short-term basis, that might help. Just tell this whole thing to the psychiatrist in bullet points, especially about all the things that you count as your "mistakes". Hopefully it will be illuminating enough for the psychiatrist to get on your case as a prescriber. A psychiatrist might also recommend sliding scale therapy.

Try stopping being such a blind and dumb idiot and answer this question:

"How can you describe a young woman, who, upon receiving a beautiful gift, insists on another expensive gift from her bf even though she knows that the bf cannot afford that other gift at the moment?"

And btw why was she unable to buy her own iPad? Is she a full time student?

Mefisto: the main symptom you have been manifesting on this thread is called RUMINATION. It is a big big sign of depression. You need to see a psychiatrist. Believe me - you are not a dumb and blind idiot; it is rumination that blinds you to reality and rumination CAN BE TREATED!

Wow, pretty new here but what a dialogue. Hit so many of my buttons. Hope peace and love fills your lives.