What is the point of coping?

I am failing to see the point of coping. Things are not getting better for me.

In the past...if I just hung on...things would eventually improve.

Maybe things are improving and I just don't see it. I gave up smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, and recently went on a strict diet. I have an exercise program.

I feel like I have done everything one is supposed to do to cope but now I really wonder what is the point because nothing is getting better in my life. It seems like it should as now I live like a Stoic. But I feel sad beyond words.

I feel like I coped better when I had a lot of bad habits. If my life was crap I engaged in substance abuse and also formed toxic friendships and relationships.

It seems ironic that in cleaning up my life I feel like I am coping less. I don't understand...

I'm not doing well.

I hear you. I totally relate to what you're saying DechanDawa. I'm the same. Ever since I began the journey of change years ago now, and although I don't drink or use drugs anymore - and that took a while to iron out - I struggle every day and I've noticed that from day one. It's nuts. I don't understand either. Things are meant to get better! Hang in there DechanDawa. Maybe some 12 Step meetings could help? I used to go to those and they were pretty good.

I totally relate. Cutting out all the bad habits, and finally on a medication that's doing its job and I feel...well so disconnected and out of place.

Isn't the point of being stable being able to feel good and happy about life?

I did the 12 step thing years ago when I first quit drinking...for 18 months...and it was a blast! I quit drinking for ten years. Then went back to social drinking. I recently gave up social drinking...not because it was a problem...but because I was on a health kick. It really wasn't hard to give it up the second time.

I think I had expectations...that when I would quit ALL the bad habits that my life would automatically start improving. That hasn't happened.

I mean...of course, I am much, much healthier. Maybe I am healthier both physically and mentally. I look back and really can't believe the trash people I used to put up with.

I thought that I would gain peace-of-mind, and a quiet contentment. I have a master's degree in the field of spirituality...so I have thoroughly explored that. I have studied philosophy.

I just don't know what the next step is. I think I am beyond 12 steps. I am on like step 16 or 17 but I don't know the next step.

I have done the steps, therapy, tried medication, spirituality, philosophy, CBT, DBT, a new health regime, exercise, journaling.

Sigh. I am tired because I am just not "feeling it" ...

Is the medication making you feel disconnected? I tried Bupropion in December and I had such bad side effects I had to immediately stop it. I don't want any more offerings in the way of psych drugs. Yes, I thought being stable would bring peace-of-mind and contentment. You know, all those years of struggling with quitting this and quitting that. Now there's nothing bad left to quit. And I feel so blue. Have you stopped drinking? I stopped drinking and sometimes I think I should start again! But not really. It's poison. I feel very physically healthy and I want nothing to tamper with that now.

It is TOTALLY the medication that is making me feel disconnected. I used to be very spiritual and be MOVED by things....the Earth, nature, the universe and even praying to God. Now nothing. Just emptiness where that faith used to be. But hey, I am stable right? Ugh. It's the pits.

I totally feel you on the struggle of quitting this, giving up that, and I am lost in a state of confusion just like you my friend but don't feel blue, because trust me you are not alone in this.

Drinking. Ugh. What a MOUNTAIN that is for me. I have struggled with alcohol my whole life, since I was a teen. Since I am bipolar, drinking has been my nemesis, and now being medicated, I am in even a deeper dilemma, because I found solace in drinking just a little bit here and there to keep me from blowing my top. But I KNOW its wrong, and I KNOW its a slippery slope, and oh, how I wish just getting wasted would just solve everything, but I think we both know, it totally won't.

Oh, and I was sober for an entire year, taking my medication every day, doing everything right, and STILL ended up hospitalized because I was completely out of mind. Explain that one?

Ugh. The struggle is real.

Thank you sooooo much for sharing. It really helps. I don't believe alcohol solves anything...although it does bring momentary relief. But I am no longer interested in momentary relief. Like you, I used to be moved by...OMG...everything. I was engaged, you know. I was interested in people and their stories, in spirituality (I have a Masters in Divinity)...in art, writing, nature, animals (I volunteered with horses) etc. etc. Now...I am bleh. I really hate to admit what kind of turns me on. For one...fashion. I have always been into fashion as a creative expression...and hate it when I am not thin and can't wear what I want. Next, sports. I am training for my first 10K this Spring. But I kind of don't know what I'm doing being new to the sport - and have had some sports injuries. Plus we just had a blizzard and I don't feel confident enough to run through the snow. Next...journaling and trying to get to the friggin root cause of things. That's it. It's sad. So sad.

Oh you're so welcome! I am glad to be of help. Trust me getting this out, and bonding with someone over these things, is so helpful to me. It's been missing in my life for quite some time, as my friends who suffer with mental illness who I relate to, are impossible to relate to anymore, which has been a real struggle for me emotionally.

Alcohol doesn't solve everything, and I truly believe the Band-Aid it provides doesn't do anything but produce a hangover compounded with overwhelming guilt. So, yeah, I'd like to skip that please!

I so know what its like to be MOVED by things, and now its just bleh. I still have a need to hear people's stories, I mean I read blogs and of course I come here. But wow! A Master's in Divinity! I can only imagine what knowledge you have, totally jealous here!

Fashion has been such a highlight of life, especially living in a place like NYC, (Fashion Week is next week), and not being able to fit in the wardrobe I spent thousands of dollars collecting over the years, as well as the entire ROOM filled of shoes I have, is totally heartbreaking. I mean I CAN fit into the shoes, but who the hell wants to wear heels with sweatpants, and for that matter who the hell even wants to wear heels anymore? UGH!

As far as the sports goes, I really hope the injuries don't hold you back. If I had the drive or even the joy enough to run I totally would. But, in my world, walking around in my neighborhood, is completely boring and dull to me, where as being out in nature used to be a real thrill for me. Thank you medication! (Sigh).

If you need a push to do some journaling, I am more than happy to lend some advice. I don't journal anymore, but I do have a blog, and man, it is a Godsend to me! It's probably one of the only things I enjoy creatively anymore. But yes, its sad, but it doesn't have to be hopeless. Chin up!

I absolutely relate. I tried this and that, everything, for years as well, still trying, but I struggle within myself. It's the depression/anxiety [and God knows what else] which was always there to begin with, but now it's even more present[!] as I don't have anything to mask it with, plus I don't have the denial factor in me anymore. Everything's so raw. I don't know. Yes, some positives have come out of it too, I changed along the way and grew as a person in terms of values and ethics, so that's good.

You know what DechanDawa? Spiritualty is my anchor, which is something you obviously know about, yet slowly but surely I became a more or less a recluse - wow. Not stable enough to even hold down a job anymore. It's not a priority. Staying sane [and alive] is, bit I have my activities as well. I like to try and contribute in different ways, be productive.

Anyway, yes, those 12 Step days were great days for me as well. Some awesome times, awesome people. And some very dark times too, but that's life. I don't have the answer sorry, except to keep trying. Keep evolving the spirit DechanDawa, maybe that's what it's all about.

Hey, good on you for being a healthy person, though. That's something to be proud of.

I felt a bit sheepish mentioning the fashion...but obviously you understand. I grew up on the US East Coast and frequented NYC...my undergrad degree was in photography and I specialized in performance art photography. So I spent a lot of time in NYC...theaters, ballet performances...and, of course, shopping! In fact, I just got a pair of gorgeous lead colored leather boots (I'm in love) I ordered online from a NYC shop. I always read Vogue while in hot baths...

Journaling...I am a life long journaler so no problem there. I need to get onto more professional writing. The money stream...

I want to utilize my master's degree. Everything stopped for me when a huge depression came over me after my sister died three years ago. I had two good pt jobs in my field and gave them up which was stupid. Since then I have been trying to get out of a very stubborn depression and it goes on and on and on and on. Before that I think I was...maybe...slightly bipolar...but now...not really any highs at all.

I am waiting for a book I ordered written by someone I find truly inspiring...someone who has been through a really difficult life event...and who came out a warrior and a winner. This book is really my Vday gift to myself.

I do find inspiration in people's stories of overcoming adversity.

I loved my master's work and the field...but it seems like the depression took everything away from me. It is like I am starting all over...in an empty field of white...picking up new and tender tendrils to weave a new life. And I am not young.

Perhaps this medication you are on...it is good that it has stabilized you. Very good. And now you can create anew. I see you standing in a green field of new shoots coming up out of a fertile and grounded earth.

I love fashion and I know if I got back into my wardrobe it would lift my spirit. Call me shallow. I'm a Gemini! We are superficial! So now I am dieting like a demon as come Spring I will be wearing yellow. (Something you can't wear when you are heavy as it makes you look like an Easter egg!)

You are going to be okay, darling, I just feel it. Well, actually, I have always read your posts. For a long, long time. You are an interesting lady.

Also, if you find you don't have anyone to talk to, you can message me if you like. I'll do my best to maintain a conversation. You're doing well.

Wow! How awesome that you have been reading my posts all these years, and here I thought I was just talking all this crap out into the void of PsychCentral!! And the fact that you find me so interesting? I am so flattered, my friend! But as much as I want to sit here and toot my horn, I am in awe of all the talents you have and how much you have explored too!

And don't even feel sheepish about your love of fashion, I mean what's not to love? And to have an undergrad in photography, again floored here! But you know, I will relish in the fact I did get to experience the many joys of NYC, much like you did, and don't even get me started on Vogue, that's like that bible. Lol. What I wouldn't give for a hot bath, to calm my crazy mind, but I honestly can't pull myself away from the computer right now.

I am so sorry for your the loss of your sister. Many hugs and all my condolences. I can understand how hard that must have been for you, and why you feel it fueled your depression. Have you ever spoken to a therapist about it? Or even a psychiatrist? I mean there are many spectrums of bipolar, even without the highs. Bipolar depression has been distinctly categiorized on its own, and it even has a medication dedicated to people who suffer specifically from the depression part, so the idea of being bipolar may not be as farfetched as you may think. But I DO understand that kind of depression. There was a time in my life where I think I stayed in bed for an ENTIRE year, it just like went by, while I slept my whole life away it seemed.

I understand where you feel the depression is weaving itself into your life so deeply now, and it is SO damn stubborn, and you feel like you are being robbed of everything, I wish I had magic words to tell you that it will pass, but I have learned thoughout my life, that there actually be an imbalance that causes this, and its not all mumbo jumbo, (as I always believed), so I urge you to try and see a doctor, or some professional if you can to help you through this.

I am glad you treated yourself to a V-Day present, I plan on doing the same thing, in a whole blaze of independant glory! I am actually turning it into a whole dramatic event in my honor, since I have to go out and face the world anyway that day. Inspiring books and stories always bring me so much joy, so I am sure this book will arm you with what you need. And psh, who says you are not already a warrior? Fighting depression is the ULTIMATE war, and you are a WINNER for being able to at least reach out and battle it.

But yeah, work on that rocking body, and wear that yellow, (I am such an fool I would probably wear a bright yellow shirt on Easter, egg or no egg!). And if you want to get going on that money stream of professional journaling and writing, well, there's no time like the present!

On Vogue: What bugs me is how Wintour at the helm holds such tight reins and the mag is getting flattened. Needs new blood. More street fashion. It's lost its edge. I still read it and love it but if I had the money would get British Vogue. NY Vogue is insanely cheap. To subscribe...a dollar a month!

On therapy: I had a counselor from my health provider call me regularly all last year and she did nothing for me. I terminated. I have "complicated grief" about my sister on top of PTSD from the toxic relationship I was in at the time of her death. I called the grief counseling center after she died and the head of it (I knew her) said they couldn't handle complicated grief. WTF? I dislike therapy and therapists.

On a diagnosis: I paid over $400 out of pocket for one session with a psychiatrist from my health provider. He refused to give me a diagnosis. He said I was suffering from social isolation and life stress. My problem is I self-protect with medical professionals so they see me as very grounded but with life stresses. Who knows...maybe I am bipolar but hell will freeze over before anyone from the medical profession seems to get onto what would help me.

Online On Show: Well, now, my dear, you don't really know who is reading you now do you!? It seems to me you always show up in the middle of the night and you are mysterious, shadowy, sensitive, and somewhat other-worldly. One simply doesn't know who is lurking and reading. I have a big (writing) mouth and when I come on I post a whole mountain of stuff. Then I disappear...on my Gemini winged heels...which is what I am going to do now. Take care. Always! Sobriety is beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. It's a state of grace. Immerse yourself.

Well, to be honest, when I was first learning about being bipolar, or even accepting it, they had to literally catch me with a net and lock my *** up. Like seriously, so trust me when I say I KNOW that struggle too, really well. But if I were you, I would do a little research on some psychiatrists, or even therapists first, and at least THINK about giving it another shot, I honestly think you are way too high-functoning to get caught with a net and dragged to a psych ward, and I wouldn't even wish for that, so your best alternative would be to seek out a way for you to get help with your depression from a professional with some credibility. The system IS flawed, and there are yahoos out there masquarading as mental health professionals, some even have fancy degrees, but I can tell you from experience, that once you sit down with the RIGHT one, it all becomes so clear, you wish that you had done it so much sooner.

And I love that you love the mystery of my online persona! I am such a creature of the night its unreal, and I slide by here too, and post like crazy and then vanish into the night from wence I came. Thanks for brightening my outlook on this site, (I had been feeling a little isolate and disconnected on here recently), and I hope you visit again soon and I run into you again, hopefully at night!

Lets dance to sobriety shall we? It sure as hell ain't easy.

I feel like you all are my long, lost comrades.

Thank you so much for this thread. It's heart breaking at times... I could have written whole paragraphs myself, or it seems like.

A Masters of Divinity is pretty cool.

Thanks. Maybe you are right about the denial thing. I had a crappy family of origin - very dysfunctional - and even now get enmeshed in their delusional fancies. So there's that. It's the opposite of support. And along the way I chose friendships that mirrored that dysfunction. So now I am done with that, too. Even though I should be near retirement my finances require I work until the end of my life. So I have to "put myself together" and get out of the recluse state, and get back out there. I have to accept the fact that my finances are such that I will need to be out there always...and the thought terrifies me. But it is what it is. Yes, I always have a spiritual life...but presently it is not giving me any comfort. This doesn't mean I stop. I always have a spiritual life and practice...it's the same as breathing. Take care.

Thanks. And I guess at the end of the day, for me, one point about coping is if I/you/anyone doesn't try to cope or stops coping all together and allows every mental state and thought that enters the mind to run it's course unchecked, then, yes, things get even worse. You might as well hop into the grave and drift over to the afterlife early. I don't want that. Hope you're managing okay. It's a funny life half the time.

I am done with medical mental health professionals. I like this site because it is a peer referenced site. Those in the trenches have the most wisdom, I find.

I spent all last year, suicidal, looking for help. I even was talking to a mental health professional regularly. I have sought counseling during my life when in crisis and it really has never helped.

Well, maybe I should be caught with a net. Haha. I sure feel like it a lot of time, but somehow I always fly under the radar. At the moment I do feel like I could fall off the edge. It's funny...I have felt this way a couple of others times in my life...but somehow I always manage to pull back from the edge. So I don't know.

Oh, I don't drink alcohol now. I just don't. I love breaking the back of addictions. Right now I am working on breaking the addiction of comfort eating. I think I am winning the battle.

Keep in touch, lady.

Okay. So I have to share this story. I discovered a woman named Turia Pitt. She is Australian. In her mid-20's she was running a ultra-marathon and got caught in a brush fire. She was burned over 55% of her body...lost 7 fingers. She was physically beautiful...now, not. But she is still a beautiful warrior. She has a wonderful angel-like partner named Michael who stuck by her side through-out her recovery. And she just gave birth to a baby boy. I ordered her book. It is called Unmasked. You have to order it from Australia as it isn't available in America. Anyway...I am sort of obsessed with Turia and Michael. After she recovered she ran an Ironman. I am really curious...how does she do it? So I ordered her book as a present for myself.

My problem is I don't cope very well. I feel like I am coping at the most minimal level but it's not good enough. In order to turn my life around I have to become much, much better at coping.

I once had a very productive, fruitful life...than several stressful things happened and I fell into a pretty severe depression. I have been trying to pull myself out for three years. I realize that being depressed has become my identity...and that is probably my biggest problem. If I could get out of this identity...

I lost a lot to the depression. It was like my version of a brush fire. It just burned everything up...burned a lot of bridges...

But I have to find a new path. Coping well is what they call resilience...and I guess I am not as resilient as I need to be right now.

Please share your story.

I could have written these words myself. That's part of why this thread is poignant for me. If you asked me ten years ago to imagine how far my life would fall apart, I never would have guessed. I had depressions all of my life but somehow managed to function and excel in my chosen profession and was a pretty successful academic and published over 100 peer reviewed papers.

And now, i wonder if I can cope to get through the day. Part of it is bipolar psychoses starting in my mid 40s, part of it is a chronic pain and fatigue condition i developed that was treated with high dose celexa and set the stage for my first manic episode. I had also started abusing marijuana and still do although now I take an antipsychotic. I am on long term disability and so far they haven't tried to take it away. I am a lung cancer survivor (I used to smoke but quit in 2015 before diagnosis with a random chest xray). Half a lung was taken out and then I had chemo, with long lasting hearing loss, neuropathy and added fatigue. I am so alone. Even my cat has been having a medical problem but she is on the mend.

I grew up in a dysfunctional household where my mother was a therapist and help start a home for battered women but hid the fact that she was beaten, and so was I by both parents... My sister and I were treated so differently that I thought I was adopted but I was always 'high achieving' until I wasn't anymore. That was the bipolar and my foggy brain.

"I was always 'high achieving' until I wasn't anymore."

I relate to this. I did not achieve as much as you did in your professional life but I was high functioning, I would say, and others also saw me that way. Perhaps that is why asking for help was difficult for me. But when I did I was pretty much ignored. People are not used to this from me. As well, I have come to believe that mental illness is still highly stigmatized. There are cheerful souls who believe that we are in a new age where MI is accepted and understood. Not! Try stating such in a job interview and see how far it will get you. The point is you did have what sounded like a very successful career, and you probably still have deep resilience...but who is helping you discover it???

Oh, trust me, I understanding your feeling about mental health professionals, because I was the same exact way for so long! Haha, that's why I said they caught me with the net. But you know, I don't want to get all philosophical on you or anything, but there is probably a very good reason why you have always been able to pull through these situations on your own. I know its your unbelievable strength and resiliance but to me, it seems there is something in the background working in your favor, almost other-worldly, as crazy as that sounds.

I admire your courage, and I definitely can see how you have perservered through for so many years, and I agree on the peer bonding of this site. No one knows the road we have to walk on except those who have walked on that same road, even bumpier than ours at times. So yeah, we will be here.

Especially me!! Oh, trust me I plan on keeping in touch. Don't you worry!

I checked out your blog. Nice. I could go into a whole discussion about #metoo movement...but I won't. Too tiring. Any movement is going to have some...shadows. But overall I think it was needed...and timely. It was time.

I am very interested in what you said about there being a reason I always end up...uncaught...as it were. It is not like I have not tried to get help. I was actually extremely shocked last year that month after month I was telling a mental health professional that I had suicidal ideation...and was expected to cope with that all alone. It was truly a shock for me as I did not know this was a reality in the world of medical mental health. But there are so many others on this site in a similar position. Unless you are actually in the act or in the planning of the act...you are left on your own. Incredible.

Mental health care is abominable. So far I have found this site and all the wisdom of its members invaluable.

As you probably know by now...I do believe coping well requires breaking the back of addictions. If I were engaging in all my former addictions I would be...I think in a very bad place right now. In way more pain...

I still feel...a deep emptiness...that's pretty problematic. I guess I have pretty deep existential angst. Maybe I am just permanently melancholic.

Hope you are well today.