Nowhere To Go, No-one To Turn To...

Thanks for the hugs and kind words everyone. Last night was the first night I had to stay alone in my flat and I didn't sleep til about 3 and had to be up at 6, so my eyes stung like crazy in the shower, which wasn't nice. My IBS has decided it hates me today, so that's playing hellfire with me and I'm in considerable amounts of pain, no matter whether I take meds or not

I wish someone would wrap their arms around me! I could do with a big hug!
I was talking to my close friend last night and saying that this was the first time that good things were happening and I wasn't wondering when something bad would follow, I wasn't thinking 'something bad WILL follow because it always does', I was revelling in the happiness, loving it.. So when everything crashed around me, i wasn't prepared, so now I'm beating myself up for not being prepared, but if I had been prepared, that would've meant being afraid of being afraid! So I think I did the right thing in not waiting for something bad to follow the good and not being prepared for the bad as much as I usually would be. I WAS partially prepared because I guess a part of me had an inkling that something could happen. BUT I didn't dwell on it. Yippeeee!

So.. Ummm. Yeah. I'm pushing on again, got through another day without SI and my reason for that is because I will have to have bare arms over the weekend because of the residential, so.. I couldn't get away with it.. At least it's putting me off for 3 more days or so.

I always see my Foster Dad as my Guardian Angel. When I look up to the sky and can't see the stars, ifit's on a bad day and I really need that North star (which I see as him) shining down on me, I break down but it's only on good days that he's there! sigh. Just wish he was here IRL. I wish a lot of things and I'm stupid for doing so

Thanks for the good thoughts and such. I'm tired and feeling ill and yuck.

BIG HUGS

Thank you.

I'm very tired and anxious as hell about the residential. All I can think is:

'avoid food at all costs, don't eat in front of anyone, don't eat at all if I can!'

it's not fair. I hate these thoughts milling about in my head. It makes me so anxious I'm wearing my kaftan today. I made sure I bought it so that it was a size too big, so that I could cover up how fat I am and stuff. I know I've lost weight, i know the scales tell me I have but it doesn't stop me feeling the way I do and wanting to lose more

Sigh. Today is no better than yesterday. Ugh.

((((((((((ThePainNeverDies)))))))))))



How are you doing today TPND?

I'm sorry for everything that happened to you and for what you're still going through

Thank you.

Yesterday I was happy enough because I was at a theme park and people made me laugh a lot and I was with a good friend who always knows how to make me laugh and we had lots of fun, so I was kept distracted...

BUT that doesn't mean to say the eating's been good. I've not even been eating 700 calories each day, I know that's not good, especially when i had roughly 500 or less today and I was doing raft building, an assault course (for 2 hours!) and archery. No wonder I couldn't get my aim right. I couldn't bloody concentrate!

I'm feeling exhausted today after cooking, cleaning, organising, doing activities and stopping arguments, plus not sleeping very well. So I'm not going home tonight, i need a good nights' sleep so I'll be staying at the ymca to ensure I get some sleep. Finally. I won't be getting up for breakfast club tomorrow because I'm too ******* exhausted, so that's one thing I'm doing for me for once.

Blaaaaahhhhhh! Tired.

ThePainNeverDies

Yah!!!! I am glad that you are doing something for yourself. Keep going!! I am also glad that you had a good time at the amusement park!

Yes, you are probably continuing to restrict because you need some more control. Keep working on getting the feeling of control in other ways.

So maybe you need to center yourself with these attacks??? Go somewhere quiet and close your eyes and try to calm yourself maybe???

Very Good Work TPND!

I didn't actually sleep last night! I heard banging on the door of the room I was staying in (I wasn't staying at my flat) and the next thing I knew, I was missioning my way off to help someone I hardly knew because one of my friend's exes had beaten her friend up. I didn't even realise it was almost 5pm!

I haven't eaten a thing all day and I'm half tempted to keep it that way, and I haven't had anything to drink since about 11pm last night. I'm exhausted, my muscles are killing and I have a banging headache. I'm anxious and was supposed to be going to the police today but now i just want to give up ---maybe it's best that I do go, just so they can see how much the d--khead has screwed with my head. When I told Ellee, she went absolutely furious. Her face was a picture of rage, shock and hurt. She told me that I have to, absolutely have to go to the police because he can't just get away with it.

Soooo. I'm exhausted and feel like crap..

Thanks for the boost, Sannah and the hugs.

Hi TPND, sorry it took me so long to catch up with you in this new thread.
I'm picking up a lot of tension in how you responded to him, as if you both did and didn't want to hurt him. On the one hand he violated your boundaries, disrespected you and wouldn't take no for an answer, and you considered at least the possibility of kicking him where it would hurt the most. On the other hand, you haven't thrown him completely out of your life and you're still leaving the possibility of trust-building open.

I'm not up to spelling out what I think all that says about you. Let me just say I'm impressed.

No, I'm not leaving the possibility of trust open now. Connor read this thread ---which I was gutted about but he needed to know and understood and was sympathetic, but got quite upset, but I couldn't control the tears and 2 people were sat in the room and saw me cry the next day, I had a massive go at him, completely blew up on him and told him he'll NEVER come near me, speak to me or even look at me again and I'll never EVER trust him again. He broke that trust and I will not fix it or let him fix it. It cannot be fixed. He begged me for one more chance, but I said

"No, Richard. You f--ked up last time and I gave you another chance, saying THAT was your last chance and if you f--ked up again that'd be it. So, you f--ked up again and you've screwed your chances, so bye bye Richard. Don't EVER even dare to try to blame me and don't you ever even talk to me. You violated me and broke my trust completely and I hate you for it. You're lucky I haven't punched you yet."

Connor spoke to me on the phone and I told him that I would punch him now because everything, one thing after another has just f--ked up, one thing, another thing, then another thing and it's killing me and I'm sick of it. I said that I could kill Richard I'm that angry, but because I'm not the violent type, he's very lucky.

I've made a formal complaint about him to the police and I'll find out more tomorrow. The guy I spoke to was so, so lovely, I couldn't asked for a better person to interview me. This time, I allowed myself to get angry and look stressed and upset, just show how I truly feel and it really helped. I sighed towards the end and just felt like crying and a tear slid down my cheek at one point, but I carried on with the statement and an hour and a half or so later, I was feeling a bit better. I'm not holding my hopes up too high because I don't want to let myself be hugely disappointed again. I just hope the police come and get him at some point.

I've decided, after hearing that the flat I'll be viewing is gorgeous (from someone who's seen the flats there), that if I like it, I'm taking it straight away, getting away from the ymca and only going there when I absolutely need to. I thought moving into a flat only linked to the ymca would be a new leaf, but I've now discovered it's a matter of removing myself completely from that place and seeing it as a volunteering post every now and the when I go on training courses etc.

I seriously, seriously just cannot be f--ked with this anymore. My life's f--ked up enough as it is, I don't need this OR deserve it! Even Connor's wondering why all these s--tty things keep happening to me when i deserve it the least out of everyone at the ymca.

I just wish I could move away tomorrow! There is a lot of tension and if he tries his breezy "hellooooo!" his face will be sunk into that floor. Sigh. I hate talking like that, but he has well and truly pi--ed me off now and he deserves a good whack and a broken nose.

Ahh. Feel a bit better now

Good Work TPND............

Thanks Sannah.

I'm feeling exhausted again and can't even be bothered to think right now.

I went and viewed the new flat today and it's perfect, I know I'll be so much happier there. It's just been newly decorated with new carpets, curtains and everything and there's a huuuuuge communal garden riddled with flowers and wildlife so I'll be happy and hopefully always have something to do. Especially when it comes to filling up the bird feeders! :P

I'm just feeling achey and tired and like I can't be doing with it anymore. Ugh. The police haven't even called, which sucks.

Sometimes you just need to rest instead of think..........

I know. I slept during the day yesterday even though I absolutely hate doing that, but I was falling asleep at the computer so decided it was time I went to bed for a bit.

Today's been a little better. I've done some washing and have to clean and tidy my flat now, so hopefully that'll be done by tomorrow and I can continue to look forward to meeting Carol tomorrow at 11am and seeing Connor just before. I'm soooo excited!

Just feeling tired again and feeling really ill... Still. I had my B12 jab yesterday and have to see my dr on Monday to tell her how the AD's are affecting me. i think i need to be put on a higher dosage tbh. They're working, but not quite as much as they need to, so.. We'll see I guess.

Just feel sick now.

Food poisoning. Oh joy.

I won't be coming on here very often anymore, what with practically being banned from this place for what the abusive pr-ck did to me. Because apparently me staying at my flat ALONE is better for me (and him) than being here with people, smiling, laughing and generally enjoying life. I've snapped and become extremely angry.

I was setting up a tent with Connor on Saturday and flicked the fabric over my head and accidentally punched Connor in the stomach and he yelled at me, so I suddenly snapped, turned around and screeched at him that it was a f-cking accident and I didn't mean to do it I was just doing the godforsaken tent and that I thought he was over the other side and I didn't see him coming up behind me. So.. He stormed off and told me to f--k it, so I yelled some more and generally got extremely mad and caused myself as much pain as possible by pushing the pegs into the ground with my hand and not stopping til it hurt too much. I now have a sore hand, but I don't care.

I apologized later and almost cried I felt so guilty and he said he was more upset at the fact that I'd yelled at him so much when it's so out of character for me. Bleh. It was a good bbq, I had fun and laughed lots with friends, had a bit to drink and ate something but what i ate gave me food poisoning! My friend says it sounds like Salmonella, but I have to wait another couple of hours to see if it gets worse. The stomach cramps are horrendous, but I just keep pushing on as usual and pretending nothing is wrong.. The headaches are getting worse and I've got a fever, so I have to wait until about 7-8pm which was the time I ate it last night and if it is much worse, I have to go to hospital to see if it is Salmonella or just some other form of food poisoning.

I feel awful right now because it's really affecting me on top of everything else. I can barely eat a thing which isn't good for my ED. Sigh.

Give up sometimes! I was in tears last night and Connor was sleeping. It was a stupid thing to cry about but I just felt so useless and pathetic and rubbish. I hate being an angry person so I hated myself then and I still do now. I feel like I deserve to have food poisoning.

What happened? It's been several days since you told us anything more, and it sounds like we're missing some of the story.

I've missed you. If worst comes to worst, I hope you'll find other ways to join us here.

I hope you get over the food poisoning quickly. BTW, do you happen to know if anyone else got it from eating the same things you did?
Sounds like just the next thing coming up for you, hun. My hunch is, you'd mostly been taking it out on yourself or suppressing it before. Now that you're not doing those quite as much, you're getting to look at it more, trying out other ways to handle it, and (inevitably) noticing that some work better for you than others. I say, just carry on (as you've been doing) and clean up any messes you make (as you've also been doing).

Are you sure punishing yourself really does you any good? I'd think that if the pain didn't even teach you not to punish yourself any more, it certainly wouldn't do much to prevent you from doing whatever you were punishing yourself for. If it's more of a distraction from whatever thoughts and feelings are coming up for you, do you suppose you could learn to channel some of that energy into cleaning up the mess -- and then use the rest for something that'll benefit and support you and/or others?

Ouch! What I had a couple of years ago felt kind of like that. It hung on for about a week and I didn't stop feeling occasional little reminders of it for another three months or so. I hope yours is easier on you -- but do take care of yourself and watch your nutrition as best you can.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((TPND)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

i hope you are feeling better now - sorry i only just found this thread ..... it sounds like you have been through the wars.... and im sorry.

Could this be a part delayed reaction from the fire? that must have been so stressful for you

I have had a few 0 to rage in 3 seconds thingies going on and T said today its part of depression...... do you think that it could be for you?

"I won't be coming on here very often anymore, what with practically being banned from this place for what the abusive pr-ck did to me. Because apparently me staying at my flat ALONE is better for me (and him) than being here with people, smiling, laughing and generally enjoying life." quote from TPND

ok freakin italics wont come offf gggggggrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!! sorry whats this aobut TPND? sorry not making much sense...

know that i am thinkkiing about you ok - take care P7

I was talking about what Richard did when I was saying about practically being banned from this place. Ugh. Everything's screwed up. One thing after the other. My boiler's broken down now, the council have been useless and not changed my address to the flat I'm staying in now and such, I've been called a let down and just feel like there's no point in even being in this world let alone trying to face the people in it because everyone seems to have a bad word to say about me.

FooZe, nobody else got food poisoning. their chicken happened to be cooked. Sigh. Trust me to be the one caught out. Weak immune system I guess? I suppose I could use that emotion to clean up the mess and I'm trying, but all that emotion just tires me out so I don't have the motivation to do it and then I get even more mad. I've been sleeping so much since all these things have gone wrong, it's just one thing after another everyday. First the fire, then falling out with a friend, then Richard, then the flat and council thing, then the boiler breaking down, then being so unmotivated that my flat is the worst state I have ever let my living situation be in! I feel awful...

The food poisoning has died down, but I can hardly eat a thing.. I eat about half meal a day and sometimes just bring it back up... Friends have commented on weight loss, along with Connor and my jeans and t-shirts are getting too small... Even the size 10s...

P7, maybe the rage is part of depression, I wouldn't be surprised. I guess it was just that 'thing' clicking inside me, making the rage come out after I've hidden it all for so long.. I hide my emotions from friends, only really showing it when pushed. As for Connor... He got angry with me when i waas in the shower the other day for not showing him how I really felt about the situation with Richard, for smiling, laughing, pretending everything was okay and nothing had happened. He got very angry and that in itself made me cry.. Then I started talking to him about it and burst into tears, not stopping for ages it was horrible, but it needed to be done. Yesterday I cried again and I don't even know why... I just felt really down.

I wish I didn't feel so empty and alone

thanks for caring

We're with you when you feel empty and alone too, you know. It does help us catch up with you if you tell us what's going on with you, though.

I still don't understand how the thing with Richard turned into "practically banned." Are you saying people are down on you for being too hard on him or something? If so, I'd like to see you sort that out for yourself without that kind of pressure. If they wanted to share with you about Richard's better qualities that they thought you might be overlooking, that would be one thing; but if they just don't like to see you mad at him, that suggests it's bringing up stuff for them: like maybe, "We hate it when anyone's mad at us so you mustn't be mad at Richard." I'd hate to see them ganging up on you to protect their own "stuff" -- it wouldn't do them or you any good.

Take care, TPND!

Yes, people are down on me for being "too hard on him" it's because he's gone around the place moping because he knows he's in deep s--t this time and doesn't like it.

They don't like me being mad at Richard because it proves to others that they aren't looking after their residents properly and sorting things out properly. They haven't said a thing to him about it apart from being nice ot hima nd that makes me even more mad.

What do you mean by sorting it out for myself without that sort of pressure? You mean stop being hard on him? because I've already done that, i don't talk to him, or did you mean something else? Confused!

Blah. I feel sick and angry again because ---I don't even know why!!!! ARGH! I'm just mad and I hate being mad and ugh. I feel like crying What stuff would they have to protect?

[quote=ThePainNeverDies;1118969]I was talking about what Richard did when I was saying about practically being banned from this place. Ugh.
want to talk more about that?

Everything's screwed up. One thing after the other. My boiler's broken down now,

so what happeningwiht that?

the council have been useless and not changed my address to the flat I'm staying in now and such,

you can chage your address at the post office yourself by filling in a form if that helps -

I've been called a let down and just feel like there's no point in even being in this world let alone trying to face the people in it because everyone seems to have a bad word to say about me.

who called you a let down? why? have you considered what their agenda maybe ? that they are puttingtheir stuff onto you? dont let them

FooZe, nobody else got food poisoning. their chicken happened to be cooked. Sigh. Trust me to be the one caught out. Weak immune system I guess?

prob yes, but it can get stronger

I suppose I could use that emotion to clean up the mess and I'm trying, but all that emotion just tires me out so I don't have the motivation to do it and then I get even more mad. I've been sleeping so much since all these things have gone wrong, it's just one thing after another everyday.

this def sounds like depression - are you on an anti dep? still seeing a therapist? are they helping?

First the fire, then falling out with a friend, then Richard, then the flat and council thing, then the boiler breaking down, then being so unmotivated that my flat is the worst state I have ever let my living situation be in! I feel awful...

The food poisoning has died down, but I can hardly eat a thing.. I eat about half meal a day and sometimes just bring it back up... Friends have commented on weight loss, along with Connor and my jeans and t-shirts are getting too small... Even the size 10s...

try drinking flat lemonade - you just stlr the bubbles out before you drink it - there are also drinks you can get fromthe chemist that have the electrolytes and nutrition you need in them - did you see the dr?

P7, maybe the rage is part of depression, I wouldn't be surprised. I guess it was just that 'thing' clicking inside me, making the rage come out after I've hidden it all for so long.. I hide my emotions from friends, only really showing it when pushed. As for Connor... He got angry with me when i waas in the shower the other day for not showing him how I really felt about the situation with Richard, for smiling, laughing, pretending everything was okay and nothing had happened. He got very angry and that in itself made me cry.. Then I started talking to him about it and burst into tears, not stopping for ages it was horrible, but it needed to be done. Yesterday I cried again and I don't even know why... I just felt really down.

you have had so much happen lately bad and good - its a lot to process - getting mad at yourself doesnt help (i know that too )

I wish I didn't feel so empty and alone

i wish you didnt feel that way either........ we are here though if that helps....... sitting with you .. quietly and invisibly at times ... but still here

I meant continuing to look for yourself at where you are with it (as you already seem to be doing) and choosing to stop (or not stop) being hard on him at your own pace and as it suits you -- not in response to group pressure nor to accommodate someone else's trigger points.

I know there are some forms of group support that involve everyone else deciding what's "good for you" and then leaning on you to go along with it. That's never worked well with me and I'm guessing you're not too keen on it either. My biggest question always seems to be whether the group really is looking at what's best for me or only at what's most comfortable for them.
Oh, what you just said, for instance:
If it's everyone reacting individually there may not be much you can do about it except try talking to them about it one on one or just getting away from them. If there's anyone in a position to speak for the group or to take charge of what's going on, that would be the person to approach first. I can not see any justice or sense in sacrificing your feelings to spare Richard's, especially since Richard still seems to think that he was entitled to pressure you for sex and that it was bad form for you to deny him.

I can also see where Connor might need careful handling, if you think he's at all inclined to fly off the handle and go after Richard.

TPND, you're obviously in an uncomfortable situation here and seem to think you're not handling it well. You may hate me for saying this, but for whatever it's worth -- I find it hard to imagine you handling it even half this well three or four months ago. I say you're obviously growing (though amid more than your share of growing pains.)