Sorry to disappoint anyone

I'm really sorry if this disappoints anyone , especially the ones that have come to know me . I really don't think I can take anymore of what my life has been dealing me . I got triggered today BIG TIME,
and it is too long of a drawn out story to even get into. It hit me like a ton of bricks and I spent the last 10 hours lying in bed staring at the ceiling. This has NOTHING to do with ANYBODY
here on this site , it is a personal thing . I managed to somehow walk my dog , which I do everyday NO MATTER WHAT . I met two people on my walk one lady with a dog that looked exactly like mine . She said "Sir , our dogs look like twins " . I looked at her , said NOTHING at kept on walking. I then saw a younger man who said to my dog , "Hi Bud and to me How are you ? I said NOTHING and continued home and went straight to bed . I don't even feel like crying , I feel like I have NO emotions . I haven't eaten all day and don't plan on eating anytime soon. I'm just sick of being nice , faking it . I dislike myself for being human . Not that all humans disgust me , but I'm sure some of you can relate . The biggest worry in my life right now is my dogs , but I thought it over and in reality they would probably be fine if something were to happen to me.
I was on an internet dating site and deleted that account a little while ago (just another thing to get on my nerves). Maybe I'm being selfish , but I don't think I am . I've been pretty much used and walked on ALL my life and I can't see any of that changing because of my personality. I am who I am , too late to change now.
I appreciate ALL your hugs and replies to my threads but I believe I can not or will not change , so you are wasting your kindness and
compassion on someone who doesn't deserve it . Thank you ALL for your support over the past few months , you people are amazing.
I'm not leaving , as of yet , but will not be on nearly as much as before until I can , if I can , get a grip on life in general .
I will reply with hugs when I can , but don't expect anything more.
I just don't have it in me at the moment. I will do the best I can to keep you all updated but can't promise I will be alright .
Life is just one kick in the teeth after another and I can't seem to deal with any of it ANYMORE.
Take care everyone .
Love Babysteps.

Babysteps,

I dont know quite how to put this, but I am immensely proud you are my friend. I understand you probably need some ""me"" time and by all means take it but you have become an important part of my daily life. I anticipate your daily greetings on my profile. I appreciate your constant encouragement and empathy you give those in the depresssioon forum. IF PC was to lose one of its more eminent members, namely you, we woudl be so much worse off for it.
You are one in a million.

Please dont dont do anything rash, you need a rest my dear friend


Love

Paddy

I don't mean to be presumptuous (((((Babysteps))))) - I know that I don't know you as well as some others here at PC do, but I would like to share a couple of things with you. I've been going through a bit of the same thing lately, but due to my past experiences with the same type of thing I know it to be the end of a chapter, not the end of the book. From time to time I close things out - things that aren't benefiting me, and things that cause me more grief than they are worth - I let them go - tear the house down to the foundation then start building again. I remember in December of 1999, I was having my third major, life-threatening allergic reaction. Not wanting to have to pay benefits for treatment of my immune-system disorder, my new insurance carrier refused to contract with any doctors or medical facilities in the area where i lived - they deliberately denied me access to emergency medical treatment. I was just lying on my back on my living room floor looking at the ceiling and I just let go of everything. I was running such high fever, had been having seizures and mini-strokes - no way could I think clearly about anything - felt like I was falling apart - I just gave up. After a few hours of lying there, I realized that I was still here - the very core and essence of my being was still intact even though I had let go of everything else. Finally, I got up, made myself a cup of tea with honey and milk - I was completely empty - no emotions, no struggle, no anger, frustration, or anxiety. A few days later when I spoke to my psych I told him that it felt like a part of me had died, and he said something very profound that I have never forgotten - he said quite simply, "Maybe it was a part that needed to die in order for you to continue to live." I thought about some people who have heart attacks - a diseased part of the heart finally dies, and afterward the rest of the heart muscles take over and compensate for the part that's missing and function quite well - no longer taxed by the part that was diseased.

I am so very sorry that you are going through this right now, Babysteps, but I'm hoping that what you are going through now is something similar to what I have described. Perhaps you have tried to force yourself to see things and people a certain way that wasn't realistic - perhaps it is the illusion of certain things that you must release. Please call someone for help, your doctor or T or EMS, Babysteps. Please give this a few days to see the fertile soil that is left after the fire. I know it feels like utter destruction, but perhaps it is just the prelude to greater healing. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know. You can PM or e-mail me personally at any time of the day or night. Please stay with us.

Hello my friend,

Read you post and I replied with a private message as this is a thread that I feel as a friend is my concern..........

Hope you don't mind - never want to over step my bounds.. you're too dear to me

First, that sounds like something of a non sequitur to me. I personally haven't been biting my nails, pacing the floor, waiting for you to change. What were you supposed to change into, anyway?

Second, if we'd been wasting our time with you I say that would be our problem, so what are you doing worrying about it? Give it back, I say, give it back!
()

(Hope you're feeling a bit better by now.)

((((Babysteps))))

I am really sorry you are feeling so empty, and like you are tired of life. Believe me when I say I understand. When I say I feel I have nothng to say and it takes all I have to come here and type even one letter. When it seems to take forever for even one sentence to form or words to even come together to form a sentence.

I know how it feels to question your very existance both in the world and here on PC. Maybe I have nothing to say, maybe I am just wasting peoples time here, maybe I am not worth their efforts to write me. I have thought all of those thoughts just recently. And I have thought about not coming back here. To just delete my account and slip off somewhere so that no one knows where.

I know the feeling of laying across my bed and just staring away. Of not eating or wanting to again. To not even feel I am worth food. Of asking myself who am I and thinking I have nothing to offer to anyone. And who wants to hear from me. That I am who I am and nothing is going to change that.

I am struggling with every word coming across this screen right now. Wondering if I am saying anything at all. Or if I make any sense at all. I guess what I am saying is I do understand and I do hear what you are saying. You are not alone. I feel everyday I fake it and put on a smile despite what I am feeling so no one will know how I really feel.

But let me ask you something. If all of us went away from here because we felt empty and like we have nothing to offer or that we are not worth anyone's efforts or words----how many people would be left here on PC? How many of us would reach out and keep fighting as the survivors we are?

You do have something to say. You say it everyday whether in words or in a hug, or just your presence here. I know life is tough and it seems to kick us the hardest when we are down. And it just keeps kicking us and kicking us. And we struggle everyday to just sometimes lift our heads and keep going on. And it is a fight. Believe me I know.

Sometimes I just want it all to end, to be over. To stop the fight to go on because it is too much work and the work is hard. But don't you think that if it is so hard to fight----it must be something worth fighting for. If it were easy, how many of us would learn anything? How many of us would get up the next day and reach out to anyone.

Because if it were easy--we would not have to struggle and in that we would not have anything to share with others or hope to give one another that there is light at the end of the tunnel. That our abusers did not win. That what we fought so hard to live from did not get us. No, it is not easy. But each one of us are worth it.

So many of us were built up with words of anger, hate, worthlessness, bitterness, hurt, ridicule, doubt, and the list goes on. The winds come and blow, and the rains fall, and the storm rages----and the house with which we were built upon crashes. It does not know how to withstand the storms. It does not have the strength to fight and keep standing.

But we have the choice and the chance to rebuild that house. And start with a firm foundation. A foundation that grounds us in the time of storms. We have a chance to replace the anger with compassion for one another, the hate with unconditional love for one another, with wholeness so we can combat the worthless feelings by building one another up.

We can turn the bitterness into giving one another a taste of what could be if we reach together, to erase the hurt by being kind--for one kind word can sometimes carry someone a long ways. We can take the ridicule we lived with and pound in nails of uplifting words.

We an take doubt and give each other the gift of hope through our words and our life experiences, and we can take each day and start to build with the efforts of all of us together a foundation that is strong and steady. It will take time but it is possible. If we each one keep coming here and taking the chance to reach out and be heard, it begins.

It has the seed of change planted deep within and the water of each person here to give nourishment and to keep weeding out the negative. It takes a army to come together to fight for right but it takes one kind word to begin to give someone hope. And if that that word is repeated enough times, we can start to believe. And to believe is to live.

I know it is really dark right now Babysteps, but let us reach out and hold a flashlight for you to see, let us walk with you and carry you until you are strong enough to stand once again. But please do not give up before the foundation has been built and a new strength to stand on exists. I know it is not easy and I am trying myself to grasp hold and keep walking at times. But I know that if I come here and reach out, there are those who can give me even one word that can carry me until I can grasp hold and stand once again.

It is like I feel I am inside this dark tunnel, and no one can see me or reach me. But I know that everyone is surrounding that tunnel without cheering me on as I walk through it. And though I cannot hear anyone right now----I know they are there. And when I come to the end of this tunnel, all my PC friends and family will be waiting there with there arms open wide and cheering me on just as they were before I entered this dark tunnel. For no longer am I alone in all this.

It may feel that way----but look up and get a glimpse of the light we are all shining down in that tunnel. The end of the tunnel will come and the darkness will fade away. And the storm will once again cease and the rainbow will return. And the foundation that we are building will stand with the help of our friends and our willingness to change. It is not easy, but possible.

Know I care and I am here listening and hearing you. You are not alone in this place. And you are important to each and everyone one of us. PC is made up of us all. When one hurts we all hurt. We all are here for one another and together we will stand. If one falls we are there to lift one up and never again are we alone.

Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. I care.

dps

I am sorry you are feeling this way. I know it can be tough and in your case, you seem to be dealing with a double dose. I can only hope things improve for you.

Thanks for your sincere post!
Sometimes I, too, feel tired of being nice...
Hope everything gets better for you!

Hugs,
melannie

Worth highlighting and pondering...

Dear Babysteps, your friends and many, many fans will wait for you. Goodness, we'd wait on you if we could. You who have shown such love and care cannot but inhabit our thoughts.

Hidden Prince among men, change is no prerequisite for our care, concern and love for you.

((((((Babysteps)))))
I have nothing to add to what everyone has posted except that I agree with all of them and I just want to tell you that it is always nice to see posts or replies from Babysteps and I hope you stay with us; what would we do without you? I care and I hope you feel better soon

I'm very sorry you're feeling so sad. I just want you to have faith that these feelings will pass. You need to treat yourself with extra care (that means eating). I will also write you a PM. I hope you feel better soon friend.

(((((Babysteps))))))) My heart, support and concern go out to you, my friend.

Yes life sometimes is one kick in the teeth after another. I have certainly experienced that over and over again through out my life and have felt as you describe. When the kicks and blows are coming too quickly it can be very overwhelming. I go numb like you. I think it's our minds and emotions protecting us and putting us on autopilot.

Please don't think things like you don't deserve our kindness. You deserve it just as much as anyone. Your depression is making you feel unworthy. Your depression is lying to you. You have often made a difference in my day simply by your words or pretty pic you send me. Little things like that on bad days can mean so much.

This time will pass. It really will. Your personality may not change but every time I've gone through a bad time like you describe I have come out of it with more coping skills for when the next black time comes. You don't have to change. You are good, worthy and loveable just as you are.

I spent many years hurting myself by going to stones for water. I am learning not to do that anymore. I am learning and realizing more and more that it's not ME (or YOU) that has the problem when other people act unloving, unsupportive or outright cruel. That is THEIR problem. Discard the "stones" in your life, or least stop trying or expecting them to give you water. Go to the people who flow with support, concern and love for you.

And take care of yourself. It's okay if you are quiet now while you heal. We will still be here for you when you are ready to come back. But please be gentle with yourself, don't expect too much of yourself during times like this. Treat yourself as you would a good friend who is going through what you are. You deserve it.

(((((((((((((((( Babysteps )))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((babysteps)))))))))))))

You haven't disappointed me. I am concerned about you because I hear your pain loud and clear and it saddens me greatly.
Please don't hurt yourself.
This awful, horrible time will pass and you will be stronger for it.
Thank you for all you have given me and the rest of your friends here at PC.
I wish you strength and hope.

((((((((((((((( Babysteps )))))))))))))))))

There is only one Babysteps. We cannot survive without you. This forum cannot be this forum without you.

Your pain is a terrible thing. I recognize it, I hear it in your post. You are so tired. Tired of being cheerful when you are in pain. Tired of posting encouragement and care when you need those very things in your own life. Not just here on PC. You need them IRL. I know. I've been there.

Right now the pain has become too much. Somehow, you feel that you cannot be Babysteps anymore. Right now, you need to only be Chris. And Chris is hurting. Chris is in pain because his life is too lonely and too empty. It doesn't look like it will ever change.

Please realize that it will change. If you go to your pdoc and talk about where you are at, this can get better. We care so much about you, Chris. We want you to feel better and feel optimistic about your life again. Your life can change, life changes all the time. As they say, the only constant in this world is change.

Please know that you are in my prayers. Please take care of YOU! Do what you need to do to feel better and improve your depressed feelings. You are golden, my friend.

Sweetie take care of yourself. You are very worthy of love and respect.

I hope your seeing a T and are on medication. I hope you feel better soon. And treat yourself well.

As you know Babysteps, I lost my brother to suicide a year and a half ago. I can feel the desperation in your words and I'm starting to get worried because I PM'd you and left a profile message. I understand if you can't talk in depth but please just give us(me) a sign you're okay.

(((((babysteps)))))

Your post expresses the anguish you are going through. You seem to think that you are worthless. This is not true. I don't think that all of us here on PC would be wrong about something like that, and we don't think your worthless. It sounds hard, but please treat yourself in the way that you would treat a friend or want a friend to treat themselves. I find when I am depressed I treat myself without any regard for what I would want my friends to do for themselves. Somehow I think it is okay for me to treat myself harsher than I would treat others. Please treat yourself extra gently right now. You deserve love and caring. The first person who can give it to you, and it is hard, is yourself. (and your dogs because they are with you too.)

Also I want you to know how much you mean to this community and to me. I'm not good at using PMs much and replying, but whenever I get one from you they always make me smile. I hope that you reach a point again where you are able to post and PM people. And please talk to your T about how you are feeling.

(((((Babysteps))))) I don't know what else to ad to what everyone has said about you already. Just that I know you, as I first meet you here, as a wonderful person that saved my life.

I too was stuck in bed for weeks asking myself all of the same questions you are asking yourself. I have also been there now again. I don't know what it is but depression makes me weak at times. So weak I do not want to eat or anything else. And I know that if you could read or remember the words you have written all of us in the past you would see this for yourself. I know that I can say things to help others but for some reason depression keeps me from understanding what I write or from being able to listen to my own words. Please take time to remember what you have learned, this is the only way I know how to beat depression. Give yourself some time to think about what depression has you writing in this post. Hugs to you Babysteps and all on PC.

Now a question for all who are reading this,
What should Babysteps do or any of us when we are feeling this way???

Where should we turn for help?
Who will understand us?

I know that we all here understand, but where in the real world do we look for the understanding that we need?

Hugs to you Babysteps and all on PC.

Now a question for all who are reading this,
What should Babysteps do or any of us when we are feeling this way??? For me, it has been PC and seeing my psychiatrist and therapist these past couple of months. I know I care for each and everyone of you, and I feel the same coming from each of you!

Where should we turn for help? The best I've done these past 3 months is come to Psych Central...YOU! My Dear Friends!
Who will understand us? I know those in my immediate environment don't have a clue what I am going through; it can get frustrating, but here on PC, I can relate to everyone here and appreciate each and everyone of you. Again, I do see a therapist and psychiatrist, they are about the only ones who are close to me.

I wish EVERYONE PEACE!!!


I know that we all here understand, but where in the real world do we look for the understanding that we need?[/quote]

((((((((((( babysteps )))))))))))))))

You are such a kind person, you deserve only the best in life. You have not disappointed anyone here, we all care deeply for you.
Have you tried writing everything that you are experiencing down on paper, sometimes it helps me to just let it all out. Sending you and everyone big hugs.
When we feel at our worst is when we need to treat ourselves the best, try to go easy on yourself, it's ok to fall let us help you back up.

When dealing with any mental illness, it is easy to feel alone and isolated, who would understand how we feel?

More and more people are shrugging of the stigma (is that the right word?) of mental illness and asking for help. Some only need it for a short span of time, some of us will need some sort of medical or therapy treatment the rest of our lives. The thing is, we are not NEARLY alone as we think we are! There are others like us, who have been where we are and have made it to the other side, or can take our hand and accompany us along the journey. This is why while my main issue is dealing with my recent Inattentive ADHD diagnosis, I check the depression and anxiety forums. I have been in that pitch dark place that seems impossible to get out of.

Just know, no matter how dark it seems, there are those who will take your hand, carry a light, and do our best to help, reassure and support you. While each person feels differently, our experiences are similar. There IS hope, there IS joy, there IS balance. It's hard work. But there are those who will try to help you shoulder the burden. Remember, you are worth it, and we think so too!

I don't know what Babysteps or anyone else should do. What I do do when I feel that way -- or any other way -- is just go ahead and feel that way until I don't. Here's a more sophisticated version of that:-- from The Meaning of Happiness, p. 108 (quoted online here, about 5/6 of the way down a very long page.)