[vacantangel]

I'm completely shutting down. I'm scared to death. So much incredible hurt, rejection, abandonment, confusion, paranoia, isolation, I don't know what else to do. I can't talk with anyone, trust issues, withdrawing into my own little world, major anxiety, major depression, already pushed over the edge, fighting urges. I'm so scared. Even my fortress walls aren't strong enough to protect me anymore. So, so incredibly hurt once again. I don't understand why any of this is happening.

what hurt you? you seemed to be in such good spirits all afternoon? are you having problems with the new boyfriend?

[Overcastbutclearing]

What is going on Angel?
I am here for you!

[vacantangel]

It doesn't matter who it is. Anybody who comes into my life ends up rejecting and abandoning me. This time I don't even know why. I'm worthless, useless, hopeless, helpless, unlikable, unlovable. I'm not meant to have people in my life. Why do I keep making the stupid mistake of trying to trust people and letting them into my heart, only to crush it into a million pieces. I have so much love to give but nobody wants it. I must live a life of isolation, being alone, loneliness. I should've known better. It's always the same outcome. But what went wrong this time? I don't even know. It just doesn't matter anymore. I'm not meant to be with anyone, no people at all. I don't know how to be with people. Loneliness and a life without love is all I will ever know. Nobody wants me, nobody will ever want me. I thought this time was different but they all end up the same, with me alone. I don't deserve anybody. I'm not worthy of friends. I don't want to live my life without love. Why do I keep offering mine so easily? Stupid, stupid, stupid!!!

i'm assuming that you're talking about someone on the internet, wherever he is, it has to be a proclaimed two way street. in the thread that i looked up for you, when you couldn't remember that you told Ryan you'd met a guy, you said, "i hope he has feelings for me"..or something to that effect. that said to me right there that whomever this "guy" is, he had not voiced any love/marriage/baby carriage feelings for you....you can't just pick a target and aim...not in real life. and that's how that feels to me. you got a crush on someone and when they didn't return the feelings that you said you had, you're off the deep end. it isn't fair to men to just decide on one and then declare your love..when they haven't told you that what they feel is anymore than friendship.

you said that you're getting on fine with the guy that you met there, in your hometown. why not work on a real relationship..one where the person is actually there?

i hope this helps you.

[vacantangel]

nothing ever works out, internet, irl, it doesn't matter where they are. At least have the common courtesy of telling me why. And how do I get over this hurt? I invested my feelings in what was supposed to be a friendship going both ways. WTF happened? Now I'm left not knowing anything and being incredibly hurt.

weren't you expecting more than a friendship from him? it has to be mutual, AG...one doesn't just decide that because they think they're in love, the other person in the friendship feels the same way. there's friendship love and then there's romantic love. friendship love consists of "loving" someone as a friend..with no mention of dating, marriage, kids, houses.....romantic love consists of dates, long talks about common goals, houses, marriage and kids....which did you have with this person? the internet person?

[nothemama8]

AG remember with friendship love you yhave to except the fact that ppl are human if they don't live up to your expectations are they set too high, how long have you known them
ppl will support, but if you expect to be made happy you are the only one that can do this
Angie

[vacantangel]

I know the difference between friendship love and romantic love. Why do you keep insisting it was on the internet. I've not made any comment to suggest it was on the net. It doesn't matter where it came from or what kind of love it was, it was both ways, I KNOW that, but not anymore. Rejected and abandoned once again. Never, ever again will I subject my heart to all this hurt again. I don't know how to deal with it. It's worse when the person just walks away without as much as a word to the reason why or an opportunity to resolve whatever differences there may have been, if any.

you're right, it doesn't make any difference where the guy is.....did he specifically say that he wanted to spend his life with you? did he talk marriage? children? moving? houses? can you detail more of what was offered to you, from him?

[nothemama8]

AngelGirl you came to the forum for support don't treat us like we're the enemy we're trying to support you, we need more input so we can help
Angie

When you hear only what you want to hear, you're not really listening. Listen to what you don't want to hear as well. That's how you'll learn. That's how you'll grow. That's how you'll get stronger.

Though you may be confident in your knowledge, no one knows it all. No one has everything figured out. Others have much to teach you. Let their words add value to your life. There are opinions not your own which are very much worth considering.

Listen to learn. Really listen and consider what others have to say. If someone were to provide a sumptuous meal to you, would you leave it half eaten? When someone is gracious enough to share their knowledge and experience with you, make the most of a great opportunity. Listen and hear not only what you thought you wanted to hear. Listen and hear what you have to learn.


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[darkeyes]

Sorry, I do not want to sound repitious, but what you need is professional mental help, we can all listen, sympathize, but none of us are pdocs or therapists, and I personally feel if you seek professional help, you'll be able to get out of this cycle you have been caught up in.
Refusing help, just will keep you going "round and round" like you seem to be doing. . .time to break out of the circle and get professional help.
I have faith, if and when you finally give in and seek real help you'll get on the right track.
Take care now,

DE

[vacantangel]

Nobody talks about marriage, babies, moving, houses, etc in the very beginning of seeing someone, way premature. Start talking about that stuff and you scare the guy away. Relationships have to develop and be nurtured, they don't start out that serious in the beginning, and not every relationship even makes it to that stage.

[vacantangel]

I know all that.

[vacantangel]

I was told that I was loved, I just didn't 'assume' or have some stupid crush on anybody. Feelings were mutual. My comment before was my doubts that I'm lovable and insecurities talking. Certainly not the fault of the other person, who made their feelings well known verbally several times to be the same as mine.

[vacantangel]

I'm working on my 'expectations'. I'm not perfect. This issue was discussed with us and resolved.

[vacantangel]

WOW, why are you assuming I"m not getting professional help? I'm not expecting anyone here to be a pdoc or therapist, I have them IRL. I thought this was a support site. I am seeking real help IRL. I have never refused help IRL, I have no idea why you're making these comments to me. I guess I was just venting like a lot of people here do. I wasn't expecting anybody here to resolve my situation or life. Your reply stuns me. I'm not making any further comments in regards to it.

[vacantangel]

I wasn't asking for help in resolving the situation. I don't think it is necessary to know all the nitty gritty details of people's problems in order to offer support, to which this site is supposed to be for. Sometimes all we need is to offer is a hug. This was one of those cases.

[vacantangel]

Your post was copied and pasted from another post in the General forum.

But anyway, I listen to 'everything' that the other person tells me. It would be foolish not to.

[vacantangel]

I'm back on my hiatus now so I will be dealing with my feelings on my own from this point on with my t. Sorry, thanks for your participation and support. Much appreciated.

[darkeyes]

Whoa! Sorry, You percieve this as that. . . so very sorry for you, and your denial.
I do pray you will see the light, as many of us have.
May take years, but hey, it's worth it.
Many of us have been where you are and much further, worse.
Recovery, remission, all depends on your own choices.
Support? Yeah, we are here, including me, but do you want truth? Or some patronizing, sugar coated replies of support? Or, the "real thing" from people that have "been there"?
It's up to you.
Years ago, I came here in need, everyone was supporting (small membership, small audience) but at the same time I, like most sought professional help, persued it, forced our ways through the professional crap, moved forward, in spite of hospitalization, etc. instead of allowing ourselves to fall victim of this horrible disease, horrible for us, and you are not any different, you can do it, kid, you can break these horrible chains.
Sorry, this is not what you wanted to hear, but kid, it's reality.
We, are not always fortunate to have an audience, many of us are put or sign in to a place where only the professionals narrate the "real" show. . .and then most of us come to decide, work at getting better, no repeat visits to the "psych ward" (and believe me kid, we work our butts off) and swallow our pride and go with the treatment, regimens.
That's your own decision, and it is your own personal choice, but allowing yourself to stay in the burning circle and then have cries of need, etc. is so very foolish, you are robbing yourself of many good years that can come, and they do, believe me.
I apologize if I just frazzled your feathers, but you do need to open yourself to "real possibilites", and believe me I am not being mean, I am telling you what it really is about and what it can be. You decide.

Sincerely,
DE

((((((((((( AG )))))))))))))))

[darkeyes]

We have all offered you "hugs", don't you see that forum?

[vacantangel]

Thanks Fury. Now you can see why I told you I could really relate to you. I saw myself in your posts. Thanks for your advice and support. I wish you well with your boyfriend.

(((((((((((((((((( Fury ))))))))))))))))

[vacantangel]

I want to apologize if I have come across as unappreciative to the help and support that is being offered to me. I'm very appreciative. He told me several times that he was in love with me, so the feelings were not just on my part. They were definitely mutual. I know there was a bit of time that I wanted/needed/expected more than he was able to give. We discussed it, I understood his position and we worked it out. We came to an understanding, compromise and mutually satisfying resolution. I stopped having high expectations on him after that. I respect the demands that his life has on him. I don't know what went wrong after that. I'm very confused. Maybe I'm just jumping to the wrong conclusions of his actions after that, I don't know. I'm just very, very confused. It's hard to understand what's happened when he no longer talks with me. I don't know what is going through his mind.

Again, I'm sorry if my replies were not written well. I'm just so upset that he doesn't talk with me. Maybe he just needs space, I don't know since he doesn't say.