Don't know where I'm wrong. Overbearing parents or are they right?

Hello Everyone.

I just feel so depressed. I have a mother who worries 24/7 and is a very negative person. She's very nice when she's caring for me in the sense that she'll do things for me but like yesterday, I just asked her "i'm having trouble finding where the food is" and she just BLEW UP and started shouting at me.

Today, Its christmas eve. I'm not christian but I do like to go out on christmas and enjoy the night. I'm in India, in a big city, which is sort of unsafe for women at night. I was invited out. I really wanted to go, tried everything I could to make it happen.

First I asked my sister to drop me at the venue which would take her 40 minutes to drive to and back. She has her own plans (which I wasn't invited to). She went with her husband. I also felt like doing something, I never go anywhere since I've moved here. I have absolutely no life. The whole day I just sit at home and watch my parents fight, its so draining on me.

I'm 27, I seriously see no hopes for the future. Everytime I try to get close to someone (as a friend) something happens or something they do that pulls me back.

Today I had an invite for the christmas eve party and I really wanted to go because I really like the band thats playing, I made sure to be as safe as I could, being a woman in this somewhat unsafe city.

The only thing that was bothering me was that the person I was coming back with, I have just recently met him, we were gonna cab it. Its him and his female friend.

I did some research on facebook and he looked pretty decent, he's from US as well and I met him through some other friends.

I'm just really hurt because I feel like my mom's negativity and worriness gets to me and I start thinking like that, infact I've thought like that all my life, constantly trying to protect myself from EVERYTHING. I'm not saying she's wrong in this particular situation, maybe she's a little right, but I also need to live my life... She's always worrying about the smallest things.... She's right in worrying about safety but I'm sick of just closing up my life so they feel comfortable. I don't meet anyone because I don't have a car to go around, and in the evening the city gets unsafe. Even if I meet someone and tell her about it, she'll put some sort of doubt in my mind like "omg don't know who he/she is where she's from, wat if.. this happens, etc..".

My sister, who I'm not close to at all and who will always say NO to anything/everything I ask of her no matter what. She's going out but won't take me. She also will refuse to drop me because its me and she doesnt want to do anything for me, She doesn't get any gifts out of me probably thats why.

I just want to DIE. really. I'm sick of living this way. I feel so alone. I don't see anything bright happening for me. I'm sick of being told "hang in there.." I'm done of hanging in there. I'm so unhappy. I don't meet anyone, NO ONE. and then my mom constantly tells me "oh wow, look he's married now. she's married now.. you need to be married. " BUT HOW???? I AM NOT ALLOWED TO MEET ANYONE HOW THE HELL DO I GET MARRIED TO SOMEONE. I CANNOT EVEN GET CLOSE TO ANYONE. I have ZERO CLOSE FRIENDS!

Please Help.

It sounds like there are issues in other family members. It is not all your fault. Try not to take it personal and realize that they may have their own issues they are not discussing with you. And you are not alone, there is always PC when you feel lonely. Join chat and find someone to talk to about how you feel or just about nothign in general. It helps me a lot when I get lonely. There are wonderful people here that love to talk lol. And you life is worth living even though you cannot see it. You have a purpose, give yourself the chance to find out what that is

Bless your heart --- It sounds like your home life is utter chaos. I don't blame you for not wanting to stay there alot of the time.

In the evenings, of course you're going to want to be safe, but you're also going to have to take some chances. Take a cab to wherever you're going if your sister won't take you. Hopefully, the cab is safe enough. When it's time to go home, either get a ride from a friend at the same function or call another cab. But the only way you're going to meet anyone is by putting yourself "out there."

You're of adult age -- your mother can no longer control what you do. Maybe she says if you "live in our house, you abide by our rules." If that's what she does, you're going to have to think about moving out. It might be difficult living on your own, but if you truly want freedom, you might have to.

Mothers will ALWAYS WORRY no matter how old you are. My daughter is 35 and I still worry about her -- and i always will. But I don't nag at her and I don't tell her what she can or can't do. I assume that she is going to use good sense, and keep herself safe, along with her 15yr old daughter. If I kept badgering her with rules, etc., I'd be driving her away. I don't want to do that. That's what your mother is doing.

You also are depressed, dearheart. You need to see a doctor -- it sounds like you may need an antidepressant. Perhaps you need it just temporarily - but it would help. Please see your doctor. Best of luck to you and please take care. Hugs, Lee

I know how you feel. The only people I'm close to is my family, which is nice, but it would be nice to have friends, it does get lonely sometimes without them.

I would also like to mention, that when my mom didn't let me go, we had a huge fight, and she'd say things like "someone will rape you and throw you there" and that just really hurts me to hear and I don't want to think about it all!

It is also a possibility that I'll come home fine, but she's always giving the negative importance over the positive.

Yes the city I'm in is unsafe at night at wee hours, but I was leaving at 9 pm in an autorickshaw which should have been fine... I'm not saying its safe but its alright..

She could have also asked my sister to drop me but she doesnt ask her because my sister starts fighting onthe smallest things like when I asked her "can you drop me at 8?" she BLEW UP also and started yelling, I was like "why are you yelling? its a simple question." then she called my mom (I didn't even tell my mom she said no) but my sister called my mom and started saying "i can't drop her because xyz.. she always comes up with random reasons and gets out of the picture" then its just me and my mom controlling my life.

This does sound very negative and hurtful. Yes, it is good to be alert and aware in a large city. But you are an adult now. How hard it is to live with someone who yells. You are in my thoughts. What about joining a club of some sort? What are your interests? Can you find a group with similar interests? A craft? Books? Writing group etc? Then you may meet someone else with a car.
Do you have any plans to move away? Can you leave your family? Sorry - I know that is a huge question. But it is hard to stay sane while living amidst such anxiety. I'm sure your mother is dominated by her own fears and it is more about her own anxieties than about you... but when it is directed your way I imagine it makes little difference.

Elana

Thanks Elana, I completely agree with you. I do understand that my mom has lots of fears inside her, she's constantly under fear, and for the longest time I had similar fears and I only recently found it where I had learnt them from...

But I really hate it when she says things like that because then I do REALLY get very scared. I know one has to practice safety and precaution but there's a balance between living and doing just that.

I am part of a theatre group but still things happen in the day. I live in a very dysfunctional family, my father and mom both are emotionally abusive but sometimes when I explain things to my mom, she seems to get it more than my dad.

But I feel like I get very little support from them emotionally... my mom's way of dealing with things is just to IGNORE them.. anything and everything that happens. That just doesn't work all the time. She thinks being assertive and direct is bad. If someone's rude to you just ignore it.. and many other things..

My dad makes me feel he doesn't trust me because he himself puts pressure onto others by lying, for instance "you have to go pay the credit card bill RIGHT NOW, TODAY or they'll put interest on it..." and the date might be 10 days from now.. but he'll just put so much pressure on you, you'll do it right away. It took me long to realize that he does this.. also i've heard him talk behind my back and say mean things to me.. eventhough I wake up throughout the night and help him because he's a stroke patient and is handicapped. THAT really hurt me when I heard him cursing me out to an outsider..

But yeah, that's my life for now. I move to another city in a few months but I'm really scared of being lonely and all alone. i know a couple people there that I can hang with, but I just don't feel like I have anyone in the world to feel close to. I also feel lik eI was the "lost child" of the dysfunctional unit and so I have never been close to anyone or ever felt happy in life. I don't know what it feels to be happy. I'm always searching for that...

Hi Distressed,

It is always scary to move away, but maybe it will also bring some relief. You deserve to be treated well. I know the family emotional abuse of which you speak. Hang in there. At least this separation will allow you to have some boundaries.... and peace and quiet. It doesn't mean you don't love your family - but that you need to be free. Just keep reaching out to those who you feel comfortable with. A good strategy is to find (possibly) some older people who can in a way be there for you. I have a few people who I call "surrogate parents." I became friends with them when I moved away from home and they are friends who are in their 60's - two single women and one couple. Be gentle with yourself. You are entitled to live in a supportive environment where you are not put down or scolded all the time and free from the constant worries of your mother, which you cannot mend.

The problem is almost over. I can relate to what your parents are saying and to your feelings as well. I have many fights with my adult daughter when she comes home from school for holidays. She’s used to being her own master even though we support her. My husband, kids and I also stayed very briefly with my parents when he got out of the service while we were waiting for a house to open up for us. That was a horrible experience let me tell you. I had four kids and lived on my own for 10 years and suddenly I was treated like a teenager.

Your parents are forcing you to make adult, responsible choices. (FYI- totally with your father on the credit card thing. I’ve sent my payments out before I even got my statements and STILL got late fees. It can take several days for your payment to make it from the mail room in the basement to the proper computer terminal.) And while you are living in their home it is proper that you respect their wishes.

Very shortly you’ll be on your own, making your own mistakes and dealing with the consequences. As a result you will do the same things to your own children some day.

I am very sorry that you’ve overheard your father saying unkind things about you. Even though his medical condition may very well be the blame for this it is still painful to hear (stroke victims can lose that “filter” that tells them what is appropriate to say. My grandmother would tell random strangers that they were fat and would be so pretty if they would only lose the weight. We couldn’t bring her to a restaurant anymore. Or “that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen”.)

I frequently vent about our own adult daughter to my husband and vice versa. I love her dearly and wouldn’t change a hair on her head. But when she makes bad choices I get so frustrated. She’s smarter than that. It hurts me that she has to suffer negative consequences because she’s made a stupid decision.

Remember when you are on your own that just because you can walk through a snake pit a 100 times without getting bit that does not mean you never will. I am not suggesting you live your life in fear but DO make good decisions. Why put your safety in jeopardy when you don’t have to?

Hi thanks! I understand what you're saying but in India that doesn't happen. I'm scared to even open up to anyone here. If you speak against your family, you're the one thats seen as odd. They don't understand this kind of abuse that I have suffered at home because this is extremely common in India. A lot of families are extremely critical of their children.

Thats why I'm a bit lost as to who am I supposed to turn to? no one here lives alone. All the elders live with their families... And people talk, as in, pass all your information around in the neighborhood.

I hope I'm explaining it well, India is just so different than US. Extremely family oriented.

It even hurts me when people tell me, Oh why are you getting bored here? you have your sister!

And I have to respond, yes you're right. I can't tell them that my sister and I don't hang out together because we don't get along and because she doesn't want me to be friends with her friends because she's scared me and her friend will get close and kick her out of the group.

:'(

My father has always been emotionally and verbally abusive, even before the stroke.

I've also never been late on a payment in my life. But I don't like being blamed for lying by putting false pressure when I'm not the one who does it (projection on my fathers part).

I appreciate you putting the effort to respond AAA but I don't think you understood what I was trying to say in my posts, probably because you haven't read my other posts as others have. Thanks anyways.

I've also never been late on a payment in my life. But I don't like being blamed for lying by putting false pressure when I'm not the one who does it (projection on my fathers part).

I appreciate you putting the effort to respond AAA but I don't think you understood what I was trying to say in my posts, probably because you haven't read my other posts as others have. Thanks anyways.

Error post.

I don't think that the lying to put pressure is fair play either. I have relatives who do that and it's not kosher. part of it is their own anxiety that they can't handle, so they will do anything to make sure tha that anxiety is taken care of, and honesty plays no role in the issue. Yes, money issues are very triggering wth them. That said, I otherwise agreewith AAA about paying the bills, but I can see where the lying is very hurtful and nasty. You are trying to be a good daughter, and they are not acknowledging it as they should.
Can one say that in the case f your sister, that you sismply do not share the same interests? that way neither she not you are the bad guy. Neither can help it if they don't care for the same types of parties or friends, for example. At least then people won't assume she is taking care of all your needs, because she can't.

I suppose it really hurts me that me and my sister aren't close, and TRUST ME, i've tried... but I feel that she has insecurity issues herself.. and they come in between us. SHe has to be the prettiest of the family, and then 7 years later, I grew up and I was just as pretty.. and she didn't like that, because then she'd gotten older and had a bit of weight due to pregnancy, but now she's got it off and she looks good. But still, I always sense some sort of insecurity on her part and she's constantly comparing with me. I feel like she's trying to beat me constantly, but wth I'm not even running, I don't want to race. I need love and care and loyalty, not competition. Thats the same issue with her and her friends, her friends like me when I meet them, and she hates that. SHe only likes it if it bumps up her social status, but thats as far as it goes.

Distressed,

Do you ever have a quiet moment with your sister that you could mention this to her? Mention that you feel like she always wants to compare to you, but you don't care about any of that stuff. Would you ever be able to tell her honestly "I have been very sad" or ask if there was any way you could truly open up to one another? It may not be possible... this I understand.

I can relate. My sister was my best friend up until the last 3 years (Im 23 now, she's 30) and she turned into this ..totally religious and condiscending person. Started acting really snobby and it eventually turned into outright hostility that was triggered by almost minimal daily communication until I eventually just had to stop speaking to her altogether to save whatever sanity I had left. She's always needed my parents approval and attention and she tends to manipulate my parent's attention even when we used to argue by drowning me out and having them focus on her issues when they'd tried to intervene until I just walked away.. and sometimes you really do have to walk away there's no sense in keeping yourself hurt over lost opportunities..esp with family members they can just be the most toxic relationships to have

Elana,

I can't say ANYTHING TO HER. once I was trying to let her know how something really hurt me, and she just started yelling and shouting at me. How does one communicate with someone who's constantly aggressive in communication and always takes things personally and manipulates you...

Once I borrowed her belt, and she just started accusing me "oh you're gonna break it arent you? you're just using me... YOu're going to break my belt on purpose, blah blah blah"... and No she's not referencing to the past because no such thing has ever occured.

If I tell her that our relationship is bothering me, she'll just start blaming me for everything... I've just given up on that relationship alltogether.

Once I was staying at her house, and it was freezing cold this one night, and I'd forgotton my jacket in her room, it was 10 pm, she was still awake, she doesn't sleep until 1 am.. so I knocked on the door, and she freaked out and started yelling at me that I wasn't considerate and this and that. BUt what am I supposed to do?? Its so cold, I needed a jacket or I couldn't fall asleep!

I would expect her to be a little considerate and understand how cold it is and how one cannot sleep without a jacket.

Distressed 2010, look at Joyce Meyer on youtube. Meet Christ and marry Him. Be encouraged!!

Distressed,

Yes, this sounds very hard. I have the same trouble with my mother. I can't have a serious conversation with her because she ends up thinking I am trying to point out her flaws or put her down. So, I can relate. Is there any method, in India, to find a sympathetic ear to listen? Here, in the States we have a social worker or a therapist and this person sure to be confidential and offer advice. I was going to ask if there were any way for you to speak with a therapist...

Elana

I have to admit, I haven't read your whole thread...my comment is about your safety. Are there any self defense courses or companies you could take a class with there? Learning to protect yourself will not only give you actual real-life feeling of confidence and ability, but may help your mother feel better about letting you go out as well.

I can relate to how you feel because I'm from India too, Kolkata to be specific. My problems stem from relationship and trust issue but as you know it is extremely hard to find help in India for such depression oriented subjects.

I know you cannot suddenly abandon your family but maybe you should try and make online friends with similar interests. Engaging yourself in such activites can help you find your own zone without bothering to depend on your sister/mother.

Sad to hear about the Christmas incident too, I chose to stay inside myself but I can understand how it feels when you really want to be a part of things and you can't. I just hope you keep talking to us and others to help you get through your problems. Sometimes making connections and letting out all the pent up anger inside is extremely helpful.

If you want to talk, feel free to email me or get in touch with me. Hopefully, you can come out of your condition soon! I'm sure the others can also help you in several ways.