Waiting for death

Just another day of silent suffering. Talking about it would only cause more pain than it prevents. It's better if some things are just not said.

Last night I waited for death, waited for the disease that I'm sure will end my life, waited for the insane maniac to come and murder me. I want to die, but if I were to, for some reason I want it to be something that in no way could I back out. Once you start dying you suddenly seem to appreciate life.. I can't seem to do that while healthy.

Note: you just said you were healthy. Is that not something worth living for? There are so many people out there suffering, they would love to just be healthy.

There is a purpose for you to keep going and move forward. I'm not sure what it is that you are battling with, but whatever it is - there is a way through it all. You could really benefit from seeing a T and being able to share some of your burden with someone. You don't need to carry the load alone. Let someone else help you disect it and work through it.
I'm a PM away, or feel free to post here. Talking is painful, but it helps us analyse our thoughts.

(((LFMN)))

I do see a therapist. She doesn't help. She tells me from the book things, things that don't relate in my life or my family, only with normal lives and normal families. I put together the whole therapy thing on my own and it's feeling like wasted effort.

I guess I am healthy, but I don't feel healthy. I feel tired all the time, going out to my friends always makes me feel like I just got the flu and am ready to throw up. My Dad scares me constantly with "if you don't take care of yourself you're going to die" and people around me question my health because of how tired I am and say "you might have a vitamin deficiency". These things have been going on for a long time, I just seem to have accepted it and instead of fixing these easy problems, I just wait for the real disease my Dad says is gonna kill me.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. I take walks to make these thoughts kinda go away. Some long walks and some short walks. Even the short walks give me energy. I feel like I am walking to chase the sickness and disease away.

I have been reading and rereading to better understand my depression.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

LFMN - it sounds like you and your T are not a good fit - can you shop around for another one?

Have you had blood tests done to rule out that your feeling 'unhealthy' is not a medical thing?

Depression will make you feel tired and sick at times. Anti-depressants and therapy can help you out of this hole.

Please remain positive and know you are not alone in this. It can be overcome. Many of us can tell you about times where we felt we'd reached the bottom of the barrel, but managed to push through it. We care for you.

I don't know if I can. It took a lot of time to find this one, but they seemed to have ignored all my depression symptoms, diagnosed with it but not paid any attention to it. They pay more attention to a social anxiety which I do believe is there, but just not as important. They pay attention to it more because of my school, which they believe social anxiety is the underlying cause of my poor attendance.. I don't agree as strongly but I find it impossible to speak up for myself. There was only one time I did, and that was to say no to medication. They pushed it being psychiatrists, spent a lot of time trying to convince me that it was a good choice, as if being 15 and in therapy made me incompetent to make my own informed, rational decision.

No blood tests, I haven't even been to the doctor in three years for a normal check up, and that was before I had any emotional problems. I nearly faint when, and after, taking shots (only saved by a run to the bathroom for water).. I cannot imagine what drawing blood is gonna do..

I've had many of those days, they went away for a while, but came back just recently. I know why they have, tried to get rid of the cause, but the impact is gonna leave a scar. It was an old friend come back, someone who I share amazing chemistry with, the only person who I can come out of my shell completely with and laugh about anything and everything till 5 in the morning.. But also someone who expects me to care about them when they don't give a damn about me. I know it's best to get rid of that person for the last reason, and I have, but the fun times will be missed, and with this friend you just can't have one with out the other.. I tried.

I still feel very weak today, very easily irritated. Got the regular aches and pains, loss of faith in humanity. Still waiting to die.. I would rather do that than continue living in a world with no originality or intelligence, where everyone just marches along like sheep or robots, doing everything and anything the mass media tells them to. There was only one bright side, last night, at an unreasonable time (12am) I went had a shower, did my hair, made myself look nice and for a few hours, felt amazing, confident, beautiful. I don't know why I did it, no one is going to see me at 12am and I went to bed soon after, but it was nice.

I think you need to either find a new T, or get this one to listen to you. If you battle to speak up for yourself, can you write her a note?
And maybe it's time to give meds a try. I don't know what i'd do without meds. some people can get by without meds, but I cannot.

I'm going to see her with my Dad the next time, while all other times have been with a social worker who doesn't see the real side of me. Hopefully he'll help me set her straight.

As for meds, I dunno. If things are good and there isn't much drama going on to trigger me and make me fall into such a depressive episode like this I do pretty well. My outlook on life doesn't change too much, but it seems less overbearing and I don't get the horrible feeling that it's going to be forever. If there's no emotional trigger from friends or family I always have hope, and always have time to laugh. They told me meds were to be taken everyday even if I was feeling okay, but I do feel okay (emotionally at least, not physically) most of the time.. So I don't know what they would do for me. Emotional pain from friends and relatives would still hurt just as bad, and I don't think they would boost any motivation to go to school, since, even when feeling fantastic I don't want to go.

For me, i do take meds every day, even if I think I'm feeling ok. An anti-depressant should stop you from getting as triggered by friends and family, and keep you out of the depression zone.
But it's very much a personal decision.

If you want to walk this road without meds, your T is the primary 'crutch' to get you through this. You need to trust your T and she must take you serious. It takes a while to get to that stage. Initially you may only discuss things that happened in the last week, and eventually start to discover patterns and disect these further. A T is a great opportunity to really open up, as they are unbiased and bound by a confidentiality agreement.

If you need someone to chat to, feel free to PM me. I hope you are getting enough sleep and recharging your batteries.
When is the next time you see your T, and how often do you see her? Do you ever see the T privately i.e. no dad or social worker?

Meds do not remove triggers, neither the reaction... they just supress it and flatten it and it needs still to be addressed. One cannot go through life avoiding triggers. A good t should teach you know to react to unpleasant situations... and how to get confortable with yourself. Maybe you need to cut yourself off some friends and distance yourself from your family... I don't know the situation... you need to take time, analyze it and decide, on your own or maybe with outside help...

and as for school... life is full of things we don't want to do. One needs to find an aim and a sense in it, though. There is no universal answer to what the sense of life is. You need to find balance between doing what you want to do and the need to be approved by others... this is all intellectual and spiritual thing... but I think healing from wounded soul needs to be done on this level first.

no wisdom or advice to offer here.. just - I understand.

"There was only one bright side, last night, at an unreasonable time (12am) I went had a shower, did my hair, made myself look nice and for a few hours, felt amazing, confident, beautiful. I don't know why I did it, no one is going to see me at 12am and I went to bed soon after, but it was nice."

This was copy-paste from one of your posts..and this is also a good step for you to continue to take. Do this kind of thing offten, put out of your mind what others think of you or say about or to you.

Dear, whatever you decide to do, you need to feel that your therapist is working with you. This seems to be missing here. As long as this is not working, then you will have a hard time building a safe, firm ground to make the wise changes Venus suggests, or making the efforsts that Mountain lion urges, though I think those are also something that might help for a time.

Meds might help weaken your reactions nough to help you take in and start working with the therapist, but I agree that in the end, you will need to move on past that. I myself need to take them regularly but my problems are not yours. If you can trust your dad, then tell him that you need to find someone who is better working with adolescents with depression and anxiety. You need someone who will listen to you, because your life and your pain is not the same as everyone else's and it's not going to be found in a book. Hugggs, dear. There is more to life out there. Truly.

Have you talked to your T about what your dad says to you and the effect it has on you? Do you have an eating disorder? that could cause alot of the physical symptoms, but depression will do this too. If you take the meds, they will even out all the days, so bad days are less painful. If you don't like the meds, you can stop them, but do so with the T's support because you have to wean yourself off them. Meds have helped me alot, I am still having bad days, and my meds could use some tweeking, but better.

I try my best to stick to a regular sleeping pattern, it never works, but I always get more than 8 hours of sleep, regardless of the time I go to bed at.

Well, things are quite confusing at the moment. My T put me in a group thing with other kids my age with social anxiety. This group offers therapy with the counselors there, and plus it apparently is to help kids like me learn the proper steps to dealing with anxiety and getting us back into school.

The first time I seen my T however was with my social worker, the second was me alone. I've only seen her twice though, and if I do get into the group thing I won't be seeing her anymore.

The woman I'm seeing tells me I should actually try to understand my family, who hurts me very badly, better. She says I should realize I am a child and I shouldn't involve myself in adult matters, but the adults pull me into their problems. I should appreciate them more because "they are my family and they miss and love me". That's what a normal family would be like. My family lies and cheats, stabs you in the back and starts rumors.. Yes these 30+ year olds do this to their 15 year old relative, they always have even since I was a baby. I don't know how she can expect me to suddenly grow back into an immature, naive, little child and follow my heartless family around like they're saints, incapable of doing any harm, just because we're related.

My Dad works on how things should be, and the scare method. These things have but nothing but negative results.. How I explained it to her was we lacked good communication skills, which is extremely and very true, but it wasn't like we ever got into specifics.

No, I don't have an eating disorder. I had symptoms of it, a small brush with anorexia a few years ago, but nothing that stayed permanently. I still have a small appetite, I've lost about 20 pounds since I was 12 which, of course, isn't how growth is supposed to work. I am quite thin, still in my view not thin enough, but I already border the line of underweight and I don't want to go under and cause a big fuss if I ever go to the doctors. A vitamin deviancy is a likely cause of my issues.. maybe even the depression, but I don't know for sure.

LFMN - it sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and judging by the replies your T gives you to issues, she doesn't seem sympathetic - just my opinion.

I personally am not comfortable with group therapy (My T calls PC my group therapy, but this is as far as I'm prepared to go) and I'm sure group therapy is done in conjunction with individual therapy. I hope you can find someone to talk to that will listen to you. That can teach you coping mechanisms - you're in my thoughts xx

I'm not too keen on the group thing, but I suppose if the other kids there have more obvious social anxiety I don't have to worry about talking to anyone or making friends. I'm going in for an interview thing tomorrow with my Dad.

I've never really done this stuff before. I used to have the counselors children's aid society provided try and talk to me, but this was all when I was little and wasn't ready or aware that anything that happened could have a prolonged effect. I was dismissed and ignored after that, while they focused on my brother, until my attendance started getting serious. But all in all they closed their case while my attendance was only fixed temporarily with no amount of therapy or anything. Since then I've had to set things up by myself. My Dad has done therapy and he never liked it, so he's not so much for it as would be helpful. My social worker is for it, but I still feel lost, even when talking to her about what I should do.

Basically though this group thing was the alternative to medication. It was either go to a program for group and individual counseling there, or go on meds and, I think, continue with their individual therapy.

I feel like I had some expectation of how it was going to be, how it was going to work. I don't know what it was that I expected but by the whole system, as of right now, I feel let down.

You have been let down by more than the system. You need to be brutally honest about your dad with your social worker. Forget your T, you need a new T, she is not doing you any favors, telling you to accept the verbal abuse you are getting. You need a different T but as a minor I have no way of telling you how to do that but through your social worker and tell her about the depression and the adult family matters that you are being brought into.
A group you might find help with, even if you do not have a parent with alcholism, is the adult children of alcholics group, because they also deal with disfunctional families. I know your not an adult. I went to an adult child of alcholic meetings here about an hour away for a long time, and it was helpful.
I wish you luck. For the group therapy or single therapy, the best policy is honesty. But you have to be able to trust your therapist. I came from a disfunctional family too. I ran away from home when I was your age, just to force them into councling. I went to a shelter for runaways and had a friend of the family bring me. Don't do that, because it didn't work. But hang in there, there are many here who have been in your shoes. Hugs.