[ltlredvett]

Just got a note from my ex girl friend. First time that I have heard from her in months. Not surprisingly she was very direct and very articulate in describing my betrayal of her. And, not surprisingly I really don't think she believes what I feel in my heart for her and how sorry that I am.

She has no idea the level of pain I am going through right now. Each and every single day is a struggle. Somedays I wonder how the hell I went down this road.

She said I should be lucky because another woman would of retaliated against me.

I am feeling so shamed and guilty I just can't do this any longer.

[heidu]

Vett,
I am sorry you are in pain. I don't really know what to tell you. I know that you can learn from your mistakes and become a better man for it. I also know it will take some time before you believe that.
I am sending a hug,
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

[ltlredvett]

Heidu....

Under most circumstances I would believe you. But I acted in a way which is just beyond comprehension even for me. I just don't know how I am suposed to live with that. And now my ex girlfriend even questions my feelings for her. I guess that is what really hurts the most. Because, she was my ver best friend. I am in agony over losing her and she doesn't see that. It is just pointless now, there is nothing that I can do.

[SeptemberMorn]

Vett, you need to accept that you made a huge mistake, and you also need to learn to forgive yourself.

There's no way I can say that I know how you feel, but I can hear the pain you are in. The only way out is "through."

Have you thought that maybe the letter from your ex-girlfriend might be a form of retaliation in itself? It occurs to me that she knows some of the pain you are feeling and she wants you to hurt even more. People in pain often do that to those they perceive as having hurt them. I don't know that there is anything you can do to amend what you did, but you need to put it behind you. Granted, that won't happen until you work "through" it and get to the other side.

Let me look for a book on shame and guilt and look through it to see if I can find the first step towards healing.

Hang in there!

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still inside you.</font color=blue>

[ltlredvett]

Thank you for your kind words, and yes I do to some extent feel as though her letter to me was retaliation. She knows me well enough to know that despite my actions I have a kind heart and am a very sensitive person.

I think the thing that hurst the most is that I am judged solely based upon the mistakes I made. I am not judged at all for my good qualities which I know are many.

But, I guess that is the reality now. That is how she sees me, and in fact that is how I see myself. ths was the whole point of this post.

I think that she wants me out of her life. She wants me gone. And, she wants me to feel that I have nothing to live for.

[forgoten]

((((((((((((((((((Vett)))))))))))))))))

You have made a mistake and now you know, because of the letter you have received, that you have to let go the hope she will come back to you.

Sometime there is thing that we can not fix. Even if we try and try. You had hurt her and she is hurting you.You are both hurting each other more and more. I'm sorry you are hurting so much and if I could I would give you the words to heal you. I just can tell you that I care.

Please take care!
forgoten

[ltlredvett]

Forgoten....

I know I can never get her back. That is a cold, hard reality that I face very single day. She is gifted at making a wound that is deep, raw and won't heal.... I will give her credit for that. I am trying very hard to feel I have some worth. That letter reminded me that I guess I do not.

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{{{vett}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I have been thinking of you and then just read your post I am so sorry hun....I really am. I wish I could help you with some of your guilt you are carrying as it is so heavy on your shoulders.

Please keep holding on and hanging onto those good thoughts that do come in your mind every now and again ok?

Did you see your children this weekend? What did you do? I was thinking of you Sat. night when the yankees lost I am teasing you but wanted to put a smile on your face I know you have so much goodness in you.....you show it here to us...please see it for yourself.

There is going to be a very lucky woman in your life someday....it is just going to take some time ok?


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

[forgoten]

We all see you differently then her. We see you as a kind caring man, good father, great personnality. You worth a lot more then you feel right now. Someone would be happy to stand by your side. It just wasn't her.

Take care. Keep posting, we are here for you.
forgoten

[ltlredvett]

No, the reality is that I can finally see that she sees me for waht I really am. You are judged not by waht you say, but what you do. It's easy for all of you on the board to say what a great guy I am. But, she knew me for the actions that I took. Actions, that were the most heinous and vile one could imagine. Maybe it is a good thing that she sent that letter and I could read through someone else's eyes the reality of what I really am.

I know that this sounds like I am throwing in the towel. That it is a pity party once again. But, I am just being a realist.

I also wrote her friends a letter to tell them how sorry I was for what I had done. She finds out about this and furhter rips me apart, claiming more lies and deception. I laid everything out in those letters and this is what I get back.

I swear to God I don't know where I went wrong and I am so very, very sorry for it. But, there is nothing I can do now. Nothing.

[heatherm]

It is not so easy to say what a great guy you are vett. You have proven it to us. You came clean....were honest and straightforward with us and that to me showed the type of man you are. You should be proud of that for yourself.

Things that happened in the past were just that....the past. Today is a new day...start fresh and new. That is what we all are doing. We all have things that we did in our past that were not perfect.....heck I have more regrets than anyone I know - but - what they did was make me who I am. Same as you....please hun....see you for what you are. A man who is kind and caring....not this picture of yourself that she drew as well as you. Let that old vett go and start looking in the mirror with new eyes ok? You can do it hun.


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

[Peanut61]

Hi ((((Vett)))) - I agree with what the others have said. YOU are not some mistake that you may have made. We all make mistakes, and you're right, we can't really know about the seriousness of the mistake, but we can definately know that the mistake, no matter how bad, is NOT YOU.

No mistake can define the wholeness and the core of who we are, otherwise, gosh help us all, ya know what I mean?

Hang on, Vett, and continue to allow us to be there for you in whatever way you find helpful, OK?

Warmest regards, as ever, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[ltlredvett]

Thank you both. And, sorry for being such a pain. My misery has gotten way beyond my ability to cope with it. This board helped for a while, you are all so nonjudgemental and understanding. But, I guess it is easy to be as you are not involved and it is anonymous. Fact is if this happened to you or one of your friends, you may not be as understanding.

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{vett}}}}}}}}

Something similar did happen to a family member (sister in law).....I understand. I am still there for them...always have - always will.


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

[ltlredvett]

Well, just don't know how to cope with this right now. I mean its bad enough to have lost someone so near and dear to me. Then to have betrayed them and the guilt I carry. Further, to have them hate me and tell her friends (which were becoming my friends as well)... it is just more than my little heart can take.... I mean I have been through a LOT of grief in my life, but none worse than this

I let her down, I let myslef down and I let my kids down. Unreal as my kids really liked her and now Dad has yet another woman come in and out of his life.

But now she just ins't believing a word I say, which to some extent I can understand. But not only is she not believing me she is making the story worse. I mean I know I deserve it, but why must people be so cruel? Why can't someone be genuinely forgiving when someone is so remorseful? I mean if I was a "screw you in your face" kind of guy I could see it. But, I am hurting here and feeling so sorry, so remorseful and she just rubs the salt in the open wound. She knows I am suicidal and I swear to God I think that is what she wants.

[bptoo]

Vett,

Man, I hate to see you continuing to beat yourself up over this. I'll be honest, I haven't read the details about this breakup, but I intend to. But I've lost someone I really cared about and loved very much by doing something really stupid, and I think I have an idea where your head is at. It sounds really familiar.

Vett, I hope that we're beginning to be friends here, and from one friend to another, I'll say this. You're being your own worst enemy. You made a mistake, some mistakes are worse than others, but still mistakes nonetheless. The girlfriend has chosen to not forgive you and is going out of her way to make you miserable. She'll tire of doing that eventually, sooner if she thinks it's not bothering you. Hard to do, but effective. Your kids will get over her absence a lot sooner than you will. Our kids are extremely resilient.

The good news I think, is that the pain that you feel right now will pass in time. The bad news is, that there's a bunch of crap that you have to go thru to get there. But Vett, you are very intelligent, very in touch with your feelings. You've posted advice to people here that was absolutely awesome. Don't let this be a life threatening time in your life. I know it hurts, hurts like hell. But this too shall pass, I promise.

Just get up everyday, put one foot in front of the other, and keep talking here to those who help you the most. Fake it til you make it. You have a lot of people who care a lot about you. I know, I'm one of them. You can get thru this, I know you can.

bp

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

[Willow]

Vett.... I don't really know what it feels like to be in a man's body with a man's hormones. Not to minimize betrayal and stuff... but I have experienced hormonal swings before... they are overpowering. If it's anything like that for a guy, I think you should give yourself some slack, even if your girlfriend won't.

It's time to put the stick away. You are too valuable to beat up.

*HUGS*

[ltlredvett]

Once again thank you all for your wonderful advice. I guess that I have come to the realization that my exgirlfriend can only beat me up if I allow her to. And, I gave her the opportunity because I kept reaching out to her.

It is just so incredibly difficult to be in a position where I am not liked and respected. Not just by my exgirlfriend but her friends that she told the story to.

I am trying to stop beating myself up about this. Trying very hard. And, the help and support that all you wonderful people have given me is more appreciated than you can ever imagine.

And, I can see things now about my exgirlfirend that I don't really like. She couldn't bring herself to allow me the courtesy to talk to her face to face to apologize even after a relationship of 2 and a half years. Then she did things to hurt me, like tell her friends (some of which that work in the same place as I do) and now she is not believing anything I say and is exaggerating the truth (somehow she assumes that I have been acting out for 12 years which is absurd). I mean I am genuinely sorry and remorseful and she knows that but still puts in the knife further and twists it harder. But she can only do that if I allow her to.

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{vett}}}}}}}}}

Exactly I can almost see the lightbulb going on with you.....it is that AHA moment that you needed to see. I think so much of you and how far you have come. Be proud of yourself ok?

We are always here for you just like you are for us.


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

[Willow]

((((Vett))))

This sounds more healthy. I'm glad you are getting some closure in your own way. Sorry your GF wouldn't let that happen. It's much harder when the person on the other end won't cooperate!

[forgoten]

I'm gald you see a light on this part of your life. You are doing good, keep going!

(((((((((((((Vett))))))))))))))))) Take care!

forgoten

[LadyDragus]

{{{{{{{{ VETT }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am glad you got the letter, was it in to resonse to your letter that you sent her.. If it was , then yes she is not lettting your wounds heal, but neither are you letting your wonds heal..

Moving on can be very hard. And I know from experncie. I let someoen I love go. I did something stupid and ending the realitoinship because of me. I could no longer handle the lies I had to weave to be withe her, or anythihg like that.

I am in terrible pain, but you know what. I can move on, I will move on and so can you..
<Center><font color=blue>You can move on
You have to move on
YOu need yourlsef more than her
You need your life to be what it once was
YOu need yourslef to be hapy
You need a freind,
which you have many on here
I am a freind so is eveyone else who replyed to you
Your happines depends on you, it depends on what you do
It depends on if you keep saying negetive things
you will become a very negetive person</Cneter/>
<font color=black>
Think postively, you may be alone right now, but hey, being alone sometimes is better than being with somone who constangly hurts you.. (talking from experince 3yrs of it )
I was with someon one who constantly lied to me, never told me the truth about anything,, I finally got tierd of it, now I loved him very much enough to have a child with him..
I may be young, but my life has been hell since I got married 12 years ago...

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[ltlredvett]

Lady D...

Yes her letter (e-mail) was in response to mine. She is being very clever... on the one hand saying how grateful I should be because she is not retaliating (which in and of itself is a threat - I think to make me wonder if and when she might change her mind and retaliate.... she knows she has the power as she works at my place of business and can ruin me if she really wants)..... and on the other hand saying just the right things to make me feel worse. I think she is trying to push me over the edge. I am not going to write her any longer. I have done everything I can to let her know how sorry that I am. I have told the complete truth but yet she still thinks there is more. At this point I can see that she is just being cruel for vengence and I will not have any part of that.

[LadyDragus]

good. ok.

WEll this is a start for her to show you how bad she truly wants to hurt you. Now you know she never felt the way you do about her..

By her saying sh will realtaite is her way of just therating you, I do agree on that part..
Walk away, as far as you can from her. do your job and go home..
Try to meet others away from the office and stop letting her see the hurt side of you..
From now on when you go into work, Smile when you see her,. Make her think you are seeing someone else.. Two can play this game..
Thank postiviley, not negietively.. It will work out in the long run...

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[ltlredvett]

Lady D....

I had the opportunity to see someone else and I didn't go through with it. first, I thought it was way too soon. Second, I figured I ahd better take some time out and work on myself. Third, I just couldn't even bear the thought of being with a woman other than my girlfriend (weird I know given my history... but I meant being close to someone else emotionallly).

At any rate I think I am going to see if I can check the offer that I ahd to see if it is still open.