[sudano68]

Hello everyone, my name is Nick. I'm 21 years old, just got back from Afghanistan as an infantry soldier with the us army, I've been depressed and feeling the ways I will soon explain for years. But they seem to be getting worse... I've gotten to the point where I realize I NEED to get help. I took the test and got 121, I don't know if that or an image of it is something I should post but I have a screenshot if anyone wants to see it. I can tell you everything though. I am depressed, I have no confidence, and I am very insecure. This is the main reason I am here. Since I got back from Afghanistan I got a girlfriend, and we hit it off really well and fell for each other. But my feelings and insecurities are starting to get in the way of this relationship, and I really don't want to lose one more due to how I am. She was over almost everyday, but now she has a second job and at the same time I know I'm really starting to stress her out and push her away. I understand she is busy, but I still feel like sometimes she just doesn't want to be with me, or talk to me. It's hard to talk to her because of this and her tight schedule. I just want to get help before this relationship is ruined. The biggest thing I want, is to be happy. I'm rarely happy, and if I am I know that it isnt going to last long. My sleeping is all messed up, I drink way too much. (alone most of the time) Excuse my grammar and spelling, im just trying to get everything out as fast as I can, I have a ton of feelings and things to say all at once right now. I feel like help is right in front of me with all the information I have about mental health because I just got home from Afghanistan, but I ignore it because I'm embarrassed. Also, I feel worthless and don't want to be here anymore. I think about killing myself but I don't want to do it because of what would happen to my family and friends afterwords. So please, ask questions. I said everything for the most part, I just kinda needed to get it out, so sorry it's unorganized in one giant paragraph.

Please help.

[Rohag]

Hello, Thank You, & Welcome Sudano68/Nick!

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This is from a flyer from my local VA facility:

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[alwaysrejoice]

Nick- it sounds like you have some of the typical symptoms of depression. There is help out there. Please see a doctor, you might as well try some meds and/or therapy.

[St406]

Welcome to the site and thank you Nick for sharing your feelings.

I've suffered from depressive episodes off and on since childhood and a few things jump out from what you've said. Alcohol is a depressant and will not long term help your depression. It will work to make it worse. Depression can produce insomnia or excessive sleepiness depending on the person. Do you drink to get sleep?

Either way, you have had thoughts of suicide. My recommendation would be to abandon the alcohol altogether and find a general practitioner who can prescribe entry level anti-depressants (SSRIs). Some GPs will prescribe easier than others---you don't have to see a psychiatrist to get them. In speaking to the GP--you would have to let them know how your depression is progressing and that you want to stop it. There are also mild prescription sleep aids that you could be given short term.

From my experience with depression, suicidal thoughts are frequent---but sometimes they are stronger than others. Be aware that this is the effect of this disease on your emotions and thoughts---on the biochemistry of your brain. The medications work on correcting this. I am 47 and I take SSRIs to fend off the depression then I get back to the work of trying to improve my life. When depressed---I can't do anything. It seems from your post that your feelings of depression have been slowly building to where you are. I would not hesitate to call one of the hotlines JUST TO TALK.

You seemed to be worrying alot about the relationship with your girlfriend. I think that when depression hits and when we seem needy for unknown reasons that this does put a strain on our relationships. She might not suspect the severity of what you are going through. It seems you are holding all this in. Another member here had an excellent response regarding depression and how others sometimes are affected by it---I'll try to find it and send it to you--it might pertain to your relationship.

You didn't elaborate on your family. Are they close? Are they supportive/understanding?

[Open Eyes]

sundano68,
Welcome to PC and I hope you get your life back there is a lot of good support here but you should seek professional help with a therapist. Afganistan? I am wondering if you may be battling PTSD and just dont know it. I can tell you when I was first diagnosed I did have depression. Ofcourse St406 if right about the alcohol and many vets used that to cope and don't realize they are dealing with PTSD.

If you get help it will make a big difference, you can live a better life with help.

Open Eyes

[sudano68]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

sundano68,
Welcome to PC and I hope you get your life back there is a lot of good support here but you should seek professional help with a therapist. Afganistan? I am wondering if you may be battling PTSD and just dont know it. I can tell you when I was first diagnosed I did have depression. Ofcourse St406 if right about the alcohol and many vets used that to cope and don't realize they are dealing with PTSD.

If you get help it will make a big difference, you can live a better life with help.

Open Eyes

I'm no doctor but I don't think it's PTSD. I know I was depressed before, I just held it in and bottled it up. I am not saying it didn't effect me. I didn't see crazy combat, but I didn't sit behind a desk. I was a gunner, I saw bodies, firefights, our base would get attacked every once in a while. Almost hit a huge IED but someone else found it in front of us just in time, so I got really lucky. I think about that one sometimes if it went differently.. But it is quite a change constantly having to be scanning and looking for suspicious activities and indicators for IED's. But like I said, I was depressed before.

Family: me and my mother dont get along well. I love her, she loves me but we argue a lot so we give each other space now, and she moved when I was in afghanistan so since ive been back ive lived in an apartment with my friend. She is married, i have a step father and step brother (5 years old) My real dad lives a state away. He comes down when he can to see me and his father, but he passed away recently. I was very close to him and grew up. They actually hid it from me while I was deployed to keep it off my mind, so when I got back I found out he was sick with cancer. But at least I got to see him twice before he passed, i'm happy for that. No crazy family issues though, the usual. I love my family, both sides. a little note would be my mothers father, and my uncle both are alcoholics.

I'm going to try and cut the alcohol off... Lets see how it goes. Any more questions please feel free to ask, and thank you for the welcomes, and for sitting down and reading a strangers feelings.

I'm getting off for the night, take care all, talk to you soon.

[Open Eyes]

sundano68,

Just a word of advice, if you do drink a lot of alcohol, you may be an alcoholic and as you said, there is other family that were, but that is common. Most people have some relative with a history.

I strongly recommend using the AA program to help you stop. Though you may be able to stop on your own that program is soooo supportive. You may find others that have had the same feelings as you and are further along in recovery and can help you.

Remember that alcohol, though it does increase the dopimine in the brain, is also a depressant and actually makes it harder for the brain to produce it's own dopimine.
So stopping drinking is just a start of a long road to allowing your brain to recover normal feelings of happiness.

Getting the help of a therapist is also a good idea. Often there is something bothering you that you may not even realize.

Open Eyes

[sudano68]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

sundano68,

Just a word of advice, if you do drink a lot of alcohol, you may be an alcoholic and as you said, there is other family that were, but that is common. Most people have some relative with a history.

I strongly recommend using the AA program to help you stop. Though you may be able to stop on your own that program is soooo supportive. You may find others that have had the same feelings as you and are further along in recovery and can help you.

Remember that alcohol, though it does increase the dopimine in the brain, is also a depressant and actually makes it harder for the brain to produce it's own dopimine.
So stopping drinking is just a start of a long road to allowing your brain to recover normal feelings of happiness.

Getting the help of a therapist is also a good idea. Often there is something bothering you that you may not even realize.

Open Eyes

Sounds good, I think the first step I will try is to stop drinking, and when I find myself wondering why my girlfriend isnt talking to me that it's because shes busy, not because shes doing something else. I had a long talk with my girlfriends sister last night. We went for a walk, and I got to see what it's like on the other side of insecurity. I know her well, and she would never cheat on her boyfriend. She really likes him and doesnt have many friends. Anyways, her boyfriend was blowing up her phone saying things that I would say, but worse. For example "to go **** me" or "to leave him so she can be with me" or things like that, and also frequently hanging up. Those are things I wouldn't ever say, I'm not that bad. The point of the story is, I saw what insecurity does to the girl. I kept seeing her get sad and upset, and when I saw that kept thinking about my girlfriend. It really hurt, but it was a good thing, because now I see what I do to my girlfriend. Im going to give this a shot by myself first. I'm going to stop drinking, and watch what I say, and how I say things to my girlfriend. For once I have motivation. I just tell myself, If I don't stop drinking, and treating her like that, I will lose her. Last night I talked to her and she said pretty much the same thing. "show me" So I'm going to give it my all to show her. I just need to find some hobbies to keep occupied until I get a job or something. I will come back to let you all know how it goes if you want. My goal is to keep this motivation, and not have it go away in 24 hours and end up in the same spot, but like I said, if I go back, I lose the girl...

Hello sudano68.You have so much that you are contemplating right now.You feel overwhelmed.

You say that you are depressed.Even having feelings of suicide which are interrupted by concern for the aftermath of those who love you.

Are you making an effort to call or write those people in your life who aren't as close in distance?Tell one or a couple of them that you are feeling low,and could use some advice,or a visit?

Visiting a counselor of a sort can be kept as an absolute secret,noone needs to know.As well,there are helplines,as Rohag pointed out.

You have come from a situation where you were surrounded by experiences that created an atmosphere of camaradarie,emotional bonds, structured all the time, being too busy to ponder some of these other aspects,to possibly alot of time on your hands for thinking,about your relationship (not that you shouldn't),about the state of your life....which is so much different than before you left and when you were there.

That has to leave you in a bit of an identity crisis.Like it's hard to relate to life from the standpoint of someone just out of high school....and hard to not be around others who have experienced the things that you have,because the support that can come from others who have been of service in the army is unique.

Leaves you feeling a bit like where's MY place in this world...what happens now?At 21....you aren't useless....you just haven't found your niche.

If you were 60,and felt that way,I may have a different angle on this.You are at a juncture in life where I think these concerns and feelings are 'normal/common' to be thinking about.I think ages 13,20-24,35-40,55-60....are big major humps where we tend to lean on introspection.

As far as the girlfriend thing...I know this will sound like blah,blah,blah....because I was once your age...and it always sounded that way to me.I am 43 and have 3 grown sons in your age bracket.2 of which felt so bad after breakups,that they pondered ....the ultimate.

They didn't realize it,but,life would move forward,and different opportunities and relationships ended up manifesting in their lives.They have since moved through a few relationships,schools,work opportunities,living situations....etc.But there were days when my tough boys (I mean as strong as any other guy your age) became so depressed that they felt life was futile.As time went on things shifted.

We hear people tell us,it'll get better,or this won't be the only relationship you'll ever have,it sounds like BS because we can't see the future and we want THIS relationship.But,in retrospect it was the truth.

Just try to make the best of what you have,being there for her to talk to,finding ways to make her smile,getting out with her if she's willing,just being a good friend.Then if either of you chooses to move on you can know that it wasn't because you weren't good to/for her,but that your paths went in different directions.

Have you asked her how she feels about the relationship she has with you or what you can do that would make her feel more content?Do you try to get out together to events,maybe a movie,a community event ,a walk,anything that offers up some distractions when you are together ?

I also have these bouts of sadness and being overwhelmed with the circumstances in my life.Somehow ...hanging by a thread many times,I woke up to another day.Thank god because I hate to imagine my ghost hanging on here watching those I care for suffering or missing me,and not even having a voice to comfort them or the ability to rewind,because my choice to end it was no longer a good enough choice.

Depression has alot of causes,and alot of remedies.Medication is always an option but not the only one out there.It sounds like you need to restructure your life.Eating as well as you can,multivitamin,getting outdoors for a walk or any physical activity helps with depression,so does sunshine.

What does a typical day in your life look like? How can you restructure the activities of your day to include some regular distractions,and mealtimes,hobbies,and visits with other people,ect.?

As far as your sleep and drinking,the two may be related.Like if the drinking is throughout the day,it is altering your sleeping patterns.Try to restructure the times that you allow yourself to drink,such as 2 at night,after you have done some of your other daily structure items,as a way of saying ok,well I met the other criteria I set for myself,and this is my time.Because drinking alone is one of the signs that it can culminate into a downward spiral.It is a deep depression.Thing is,alcohol severely contributes to depression.So try to limit the amount you consume,and the time of day.

So just trying to point out a few things for you to consider in your pondering.I hope to hear from you again on here,and hope that rays of sunshine peek through the clouds.Take good care of you,~W

[sudano68]

Thanks for the reply wolfsong. The girlfriend just got a second job, so shes really busy, but this also happened at the same time we started to drift away because of my condition. So I haven't been able to see or talk to her much in the past week but last night she came over for little while to pick up her sister. She still seemed distant, (keep in mind there were two other people around, so shes not going to just pour her feelings out) but when they left I walked her and her sister out, and her sister went ahead, and my gf kinda turned to me so we could have a minute to try and talk. That's when I used what little time I had to just say, "hey i dont expect anything back from this, but I love you and i'm going to change. I'll show you." She said it back but I think it was just because she didn't want to be rude. After that she went home and we talked via text for a little bit before she went to sleep, and I think shes just at the point were I need to show her some changes, or it's over. My only concerns are, can I actually change, and if so keep it for more than a day or two? Also, has it passed the point of no return? Either way, I been texting her less, (less up her ***, not constantly texting her, or getting very depressed and insecure and send her text after text of negative things while shes working) I went to the gym today, ate subway instead of something unhealthy, and now I'm home and at the point where I haven't heard from her for hours, but shes working.. So instead of sitting here wondering about her, I'm going to DO MY BEST to find something to keep myself occupied tonight. So I think if I can show her soon that I can change and not act how I acted to make her distant from me, she will come back to me fully. If not, hey.. as you said, life goes on. I straight up asked her, are you still my girlfriend and she said yes.. So I think she does care, she just needs to see change. That's my motivation, if I change, I will feel better about myself, and get to keep the girl. So I'm off to find something to do now, I'll be back.

Again, thank you so much for your time and effort to help a stranger. I greatly appreciate it...

You're no stranger sweetheart....you are everyman 101......and the best thing that could happen is for someone to show you,you can be you and still be worthy of love.

[sudano68]

I'm 21 years old, and proud to say I haven't had a drink in two days, pretty sad eh? Anyways, went to the gym again. I feel a lot more motivated than before. Things seem back to normal with my girlfriend, I've been talking to more people, and staying a little more occupied. Main goal is still to keep this and not fall back into the same whole. A few of the problems I still have are, when my girlfriend texts in front of me, (other than I kinda find it a little rude to text in front of people) I still kinda wonder whos shes talking to and what shes saying, but I just try and push those thoughts out. Big improvement though, I didn't nag her about it and show my insecurity. The other thing that bothers me has to do with working out. I'm starting to go to the gym again, I just need to stick with it for good I know this, but I feel embarrassed sometimes. How out of shape I am for being in the army. I should be able to do a lot of pushups, and I just worked out and tried to do some after and did three and reached muscle failure. I worked chest out but still I should be able to do a lot. And running, I just feel like I suck and don't get better. Maybe I just need to see some visual changes then I will feel like I have a reason to stick with it? Does any of this make sense? I work out, feel like I suck at it, but want to stop instead of keep going. I don't know, just a couple of the things on my mind tonight, felt like the right thing to do is post them here. Thanks.

Well you can work out at home,with no eyes on you....and can do it every other day.Here are a couple links for some upbeat music,and effective work outs w/o equipment.

http://www.askmen.com/sports/bodybui...t-weights.html

If you don't like these songs,just enter a search on google for pump up songs,lol,mt comp is slow,so I can't sample the content on the links.

Worth a try eh?

[sudano68]

Yea I don't mind working out at home, but it's kinda hard to push myself and my apartment is tiny. I might just suck it up and stick with the gym lol. Well it's another day, roomate is at school all day, gf working both jobs, so I'm alone trying to find something to do. I did a few small errands to get out of the house, even though its raining. I love the rain so I don't care lol, but hey I got something done. Just bored now. There is gonna be a small party tonight at my place, and I think if I can get through that with out falling into the trap and having a drink, I'll be all set. Anyways, thanks wolfsong for the replies. I know you guys are probably getting bored of reading my daily thoughts and stuff lol.

[Redhead.utley]

First & foremost you need to take care of your self. The girl friend isn't able to take care of these issues, & can be quite overwhelmed by them. That would be like expecting your dentist to do brain surgery. You need experts in the field. Also alcohol causes magnification of depression & increases the perception of these problems. It's like poring gas on a fire. Structure, good solid psych care, sobriety, support groups, can set you on the road to recovery. It's hard work; but your worth it. Thank you for serving our country. We had many soldiers in re-hab suffering from similar symptoms you have described. A safe nurturing, structured environment with time to heal. Oceans of love to you.

[sudano68]

Thanks, well there was a small party tonight and I didn't have one sip.. I dindn't think I would be able to do it.

I'm having another small problem, I guess it would relate to insecurity. As i've stated, my gf works a lot now, she used to come over after work but now she can't cus she has to be up early for 2nd job. So she called me when she got out tonight and I talked to her for a few on her way home. I then texted her just saying the normal, i miss you and everything, but it also seems like something has bothering her lately. Shes tired from work I know this, but I hate that feeling of her not telling me stuff that bothers her. I want her to be able to be open with me. So she texts me, "I'm doing somthin right now, I'll call you when I'm done." I know this could mean anything, but I can't stop over thinking it. What would she need to be doing at 1:30am? It could be at her house but I'm guessing she made a stop somewhere, and I'm just wondering what it could be and it's bothering me right now. I've been doing good since I've posted with not letting stuff bother me, but this one is getting to me a little. I'm sure if when she calls, if I asked "what were you doing?" she will get defensive and get mad and def not tell me. What should I do? I want to be able to just talk to her but she keeps a lot of things from me. And I'm not thinking shes cheating, I just don't get why if people arent doing anything bad, why do they have to hide it and not tell the other person? The thing that makes me mad is how she is secretive about things... plz help

[St406]

Sudano68--It's good to hear you're doing better. It must feel good to have stayed away from the alcohol temptation with so much going on in your life. You mentioned alot about your feelings getting back in the gym. Regardless of how fit you were, it's normal to lose that added conditioning and strength when you stop. It doesn't take long. Added muscular strength if not constantly used will atrophy and be broken done. A similar response happens with aerobic conditioning. I believe it only takes 6 to 8 weeks to lose that added aerobic conditioning. It's normal for anyone.

The good thing is that added muscular strength is easier to regain than it is to get the first time around. You 've already had it --it will come back with alittle gym time.

I've worked out with weights off and on in life and my recommendation would be to be careful about believing you are what you are based on gym /muscle performance. It's healthy to be physically fit and strong and we all will feel better if we are that but try not to judge yourself too much that way. Once you get going again , I bet those feelings of physical accomplishment will come back. It takes time. Everything they say also has exercise working to alleviate depression and stress.

I don't know what to make of the text from your girlfriend. My logical thought too would be to later ask "What were u doing"? If I was in that situation and I knew she was that defensive --- I might ask the next time she called: "Were u all right last night?, it sounded like u couldn't text", and leave it at that. If she 's tired of you being accusatory and looking for u to change--I definitely wouldn't just ask "What were u doing? You've mentioned your insecurity has been a definite issue with her, to me , she might be looking for you to challenge her text. Maybe I'm reading way too much into this as I don't know how either of you interact, but that's how I would think if it was happening to me.

[sudano68]

Originally Posted by St406

Sudano68--It's good to hear you're doing better. It must feel good to have stayed away from the alcohol temptation with so much going on in your life. You mentioned alot about your feelings getting back in the gym. Regardless of how fit you were, it's normal to lose that added conditioning and strength when you stop. It doesn't take long. Added muscular strength if not constantly used will atrophy and be broken done. A similar response happens with aerobic conditioning. I believe it only takes 6 to 8 weeks to lose that added aerobic conditioning. It's normal for anyone.

The good thing is that added muscular strength is easier to regain than it is to get the first time around. You 've already had it --it will come back with alittle gym time.

I've worked out with weights off and on in life and my recommendation would be to be careful about believing you are what you are based on gym /muscle performance. It's healthy to be physically fit and strong and we all will feel better if we are that but try not to judge yourself too much that way. Once you get going again , I bet those feelings of physical accomplishment will come back. It takes time. Everything they say also has exercise working to alleviate depression and stress.

I don't know what to make of the text from your girlfriend. My logical thought too would be to later ask "What were u doing"? If I was in that situation and I knew she was that defensive --- I might ask the next time she called: "Were u all right last night?, it sounded like u couldn't text", and leave it at that. If she 's tired of you being accusatory and looking for u to change--I definitely wouldn't just ask "What were u doing? You've mentioned your insecurity has been a definite issue with her, to me , she might be looking for you to challenge her text. Maybe I'm reading way too much into this as I don't know how either of you interact, but that's how I would think if it was happening to me.

Thanks for the tips for the gym.

and with the girl, as I expected, she wasnt doing anything but rearranging her room... so glad I didn't go nuts about that sending her texts left and right. I saw her today for a little bit, shes having a few issued but I'm trying to get her to come to me for help and talk to me. Shes not used to that from a rough childhood so it will take time, but things definitely seem better with us. I'm going to keep doing my best to not be insecure, and stay occupied and keep improving myself so I don't fall into this hole again. I just need to stick with it and not let it pass! gym gym gym!