Help if you can, sorry. I'm scared

Hey. I'm new here and you guys are probably sick of people adding new threads to talk about their issues - so, my bad. I just don't know how to use this just yet.
So I'm here because I'm sad. I don't wanna say 'depressed' because i can't diagnose myself. I'm just sad. Constantly. Daily. It's become a problem.
I'm down all the time and there's never a day I don't think of just killing myself. Over the past 3 months, I tried twice, but there was always something that stopped it. whether it was my cowardness or someone stopping me, o never went through with it. I don't know if that's a good thing, but I'm still living, so some people would say it is.
Just a brief summary of me - I wasn't abused and my problems are nothing compared to things I've read. So, I feel I have no excuse to feel this way.
I don't know what's wrong with me and I can't talk to anyone. The last time I tried telling a friend that i attempted suicide, she didn't take me seriously as this was my 4th suicide attempt ive had. like 'oh there she goes again, telling me about her sob story of wanting to die just to get attention' thats how i think she perceives it. obviously people dont want to hear other peoples problems, so I don't blame her subtle sighs whenever i did mention it.

I have nightmares almost every night. vivid, horrible nightmares. i hate sleeping. I dread going to bed every night. I wake up crying screaming in shock with the worst headache and feeling like i havent slept a bit. multiple times i had dreams where i killed myself. other days i wake up with the thought 'pick up a knife and slit your wrists' literally, those words are the first things i think of every other morning
I'm scared one day I do it. It's only been getting worse and I dont know where else to go.
I'm sorry for wasting your time with this. Any help would be of great help. thank you

Hello & Welcome, Mossolb. Depression doesn't need any "excuse." It can have external causes, internal causes or both (PsychCentral article - see the section on "Conditional vs. Organic").

Sure, only a professional can diagnose you, but the symptoms you've described and their duration warrant an interview with a physician. Does your situation permit you to get to a doctor?

Feel free to post all you want -- you are not wasting anyone's time here.

Please feel free to post all you want. I know that I often come here to talk about my problems because sometimes it feels as though no one understands; and even if they did, I still find it tough saying them out loud. I will definitely second what Rohag said. Please talk to your doctor about your symptoms immediately. In any case, I hope things get better for you soon. Please know we are always here to listen.

Well, first of all, what you have to say is important, and you're definitely not wasting anyone's time talking about your difficulty.
We've all had problems with depression; that's why we're here, in part.

I suspect strongly that when people have frightening nightmares, it has something to do with the diet and high acidity levels in the tissues and fluids.

Have you ever tried taking the Omega 3 fatty acids (fish oil, often referred to)?It can be purchased in Omega 3 fatty acids by Nordic (and many other companies), and taking it twice daily for several weeks can improve sleeping very much--it did for me, and I wouldn't be without it. The lemony taste is not at all objectionable
and it's calming, much like the little lemon squeezed into a glass of water.

Secondly, you need to continue to discuss this with people on board here who know what those feelings are, and you also need to contact your primary physician and ask that he refer you to a psychiatrist for some talk together to get whatever is at the core of your depression up and out so that you are free inside.

I think that much of the problems with the kind of thing you are trying to manage have to do with diet in the first place and old habits of thinking, secondly. Both are amenable to change for better feeling tone.

Please begin by removing anything from your diet that you crave such as alcohol, caffeine, sugar, white bread for starters. All can be triggers for depression in people who are sensitive to them. (I was advised not to use 4 of the 5 of them--white breads I've had to learn to avoid to stop the headaches ("cerebral allergy") low feeling tone, and even depression.

It takes about one week to get them out of your system--caffeine and alcohol much longer if you use them, but very well worth your time to work on eliminating them.

Keep in touch and let the folks here know how you are progressing, and for goodness sake, forget the suicide thing. You are cared for more than you know by someone in your life whom you've probably overlooked for so long.

Remember , we are all much more alike than we are different.

Hi mossolb

The others have given some wise advice and I hope you will follow some of it, if not all of it. To me, depression is an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I didnt need a doctor to tell me I was depressed, I already knew that. You know if you're not happy and you can see others who are having fun, feeling comfortable being themselves, and you're not. Its a great idea to have it checked because then the pathways for help begin to open.

When I was a teen and began feeling morose I turned to my sister for help. Some guys were messing around and taught me how to tie a noose. It was just a little one about keychain size. I was fascinated in its simplicity and power. It reminded me of the old west movies, the gallows, the permanence of it all. In dramatic fashion I showed the noose to my sister and told her it was how I was going to go, not really serious, but wanting her to step in, care for me, show me some love. She laughed in my face.

My depression deepened and a few years later I made a serious attempt and failed. I just figured I had done it wrong and improved my plan. But it also opened up the idea to me that I wasnt supposed to go that way, that there was a reason for me being alive and even if I didnt know what that reason was, eventually it would be revealed to me.

As Ive gotten older I gave up the idea of killing myself. I didnt want to get to wherever the next existence was and be punished for wasting this one. The struggles didnt go away, in fact, I made them worse without meaning to. It took a long time to figure out that things wouldnt, couldnt, get better as long as I was adding to my own pain and I had to stop harming myself and begin healing myself, first with just concentrating on what good health actually is. Its all those things I learned back in physical education class. Eating right, sleeping right, excersizing, and not putting things into my body that are known to be damaging. This goes for my mind as well. I had to stop thinking in certain ways, listening to certain kinds of music, and start watching my thought processes and removing unhealthy ways of perceiving.

Its a long long road that I made even longer but you know something? We all have our own road and this one has been mine. No matter what people told me I had to find out for myself. I wouldnt have believed it any other way.

Keep posting. The people here are good and care. I hope the best for you.

Hi Welcome to the site. First... don't feel bad about sharing your problems here. It's what the site is all about basically. People who have had depression are the only people who really understand it so you're in the right place.
I'm sure someone has already suggested that you seek treatment for this. Please do.
You shouldn't have to live your life like that. I hope you have access to treatment. If you have a family doctor that may be a good place to start. Please keep posting in the meantime.

I just wanted to say that you're not wasting anyone's time. Keep posting. You're not alone. And we don't mind hearing about your problems. Sometimes it's nice to just be heard and not judged. And that's exactly what PC is for.

I also wanted to tell you that I suffer from depression and I also have no "visible" reasons to feel the way I do. I wasn't abused, my parents didn't divorce, I never had any major problems in my life. But I'm depressed. And I do struggle with the guilt for "not having an excuse" to feel the way I do. But I work with a therapist, and she's been very helpful with working on turning my negative thoughts into positive ones and not beating up on my self. Don't be ashamed to look for help -- there is no shame in it.

You're not alone

Hi and welcome. I hear you. You're in a place of terrible suffering. Been there big time, am just coming out of the bottom of another round of the stuff (thank heavens for medication adjustments that work).

Listen, my friend. You really, really NEED to get into treatment right away. If you don't have health insurance, you can go through your public/county resources to get some help. Please do not delay. This is serious stuff.

If you don't know where to go, you can start with the emergency room. Please. You deserve to live free of the hell in your head, and it can indeed happen.

Hey everyone. Thank you so much, you have no idea. Each and every one of you guys, thank you. I did notice that I tend to find myself in the darkest place when I'm stressed and to add to that, my eating pattern becomes insane. Plus the amount of coffee I drink is definitely not helping in the slightest. So, as soon as I can, I'll make sure to fix that.

And thank you, for letting me open up here. I'm not used to talking like this about my feelings and all. Especially about being sad. The people I'm surrounded with think depression is just a phase, and I would get over it eventually. So, hearing people say they understand, well, it's new to me.

Unfortunately I don't think I can get help from a therapist - my family wouldn't understand and I don't think I can handle them telling me I'm being dramatic or mocking me. Not now at least. But eventually maybe.

I'm going to try talking about how I feel here for a bit and try implementing positive thoughts into my life. It's easier said than done, but I need to start somewhere.

I feel my heads about to implode and I dunno, I just don't want to move or do anything in my life anymore.

That's why I'm going to start today.

You guys seriously gave me hope (sorry for sounding corny) Thank you again, everyone.

Just a quick question. If I wanna talk on a thread again or something, do I start a new one or where should I go?
Sorry, I'm a bit lost around here

hi just want to thank you for posting and reaching out for help. You are not wasting time, you are doing a good thing reaching out for help!Caring people have said many helpful things here, just want you to know that one more person cares, and we wouldn't read this if we worried about wasting our time. We want to help you and others, I wish I could help somehow. Let us know how you are today please? I've been feeling alot like this hell you describe, waking up with thoughts like that, not sleeping...please let someone know here how you are doing ok. reading your post has already helped me, ive seen some good advice because you posted. hugs to you.

Hi, welcome to PC.

Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and thoughts with us, I know how hard that can be. Please let us know how you're feeling when you get a chance; much of the previous advice was great, I'm sometimes in awe at the sense of community on this site. It's actually quite nice that one of your posts started this conversation - thank you.

RJ78

get a grip will ya, stop being silly, you cant waste my time. more than happy to talk to you... here anytime dude wassup. ?

You sound like a nice person and we do want you to stay with us. Sounds like you do need help. Even if you can call an ER and explain this to them. They might want you to come in or they may refer you to someone who can help. I wish you well.

You can start a new thread if you want. That's a good way to do it if you want to talk about your own stuff and to be more "visible."

Each thread is a little like a conversation. So when you read the threads, you might think of them in that way and respond to people's posts with your thoughts and feelings.

Making a connection with someone who "gets it" is great therapy in its own right.

You can start a new thread, or you can continue building on this one. Either way is fine, just whatever is more comfortable for you.

You can also use private messages (PMs) to send messages to individual members. They're basically like PC emails.

I'm sorry that getting help is a little out of reach for you right now. If you don't mind my asking, how old are you? You might still have some things available to you to help you. I really like the idea of trying to bring more positive thoughts into your life. That's kind of the basis of some therapy. To "rewire" your brain away from negative thoughts. My T explained it to me like this:

Think of your brain as a field of tall grass. You take a certain path and you trod down the grass, and eventually create a very visible, easy to walk path. These are you negative thoughts, actions, etc. So what we have to do is create new paths. You'll want to slip back into the old paths because they're well worn. But you have to work to create new paths. And each time you do a little change, like thinking something positive, or getting out of bed, you're working on creating a new, positive path.

I found her description pretty helpful. And if I'm having a bad day, I try to remember it and force myself to get out of bed. Granted, it doesn't always work...

And while you can't get therapy right now, you can keep trying to make positive changes in your life that will help fight the depression. Not just in thoughts, but actions too. Work towards eating better, getting on a sleep schedule that works for you, and any exercise you can. I know this is all much easier said than done. MUCH easier. But just try to take it one day at a time and don't get too overwhelmed. Reward yourself when you do something positive, but don't' beat yourself up when you don't. Be gentle with yourself.

But definitely keep talking to us here. Like someone said, if we thought we were wasting our time with your post, we wouldn't have responded or even bothered to read it.

Your story sounds so familar, I have suffered from depression since my twentys, I am now almost sixty. Five years ago I was committed to a psych ward for two weeks. Just had my second major episode. I when out looking for people to talk to that would not think i was (I hate using words like this) crazy. Found a new church that I really like. Made an appointment with the pastor for today, I got more out of the two hours I spent with the pastor than you can emagin. I know what I told him will not leave his office. He also offer a lot of advice of a spiritzule nature on battling the negative thought ect. In my early thirties I tried to talk to my dad about being depressed and seeing a doc. My father belittle me so bad I felt about 1 inch tall and really feeling bad, I never talked to my father about it again. If you can not see a therapst then a pastor, minister, priest, or what ever your belief may be your best bet as what you tell them is confidental. It may just open more doors for you, to get help. You have taken the right first step by getting here. Don't quit looking for or taking help where you find it. I wish for you nothing but happiness in your life.

Hey everyone. I just have to thank you all again. It means the world to me that you guys are such caring people. It's rare to find people like you here in the real world. I dunno, maybe I'm just around the wrong group of people. And the fact that you get how I feel makes me feel that, for the first time in my life, I'm not just whining and rambling about feelings that aren't really there. Like I said, people around me don't think of depression as something 'real'. So, honestly, thank you.

I'm sorry, I wish I could express the amount of gratitude I have for this site and for you all some more. I'm just a tad overwhelmed at the moment.

These days there was a whole bunch of fake smiles and pretending everything was a-okay.
Have you guys felt that you're just walking around in a daze, as if you were on autopilot? saying the things that you're meant to say, laughing at the appropriate times, that sort of thing?
Well, today I suddenly snapped out of that, and all of a sudden, my sadness took over me. I had to excuse myself and lock myself in the bathroom for half an hour to regain my composure. It was one of the rare times I just broke down in public. I just want these feelings to end.
But, I came home and read these posts, and I felt better. Finding proffesional help right now is slightly difficult. And if I talk to someone, I'm scared I'll be put down again. Even calling a hospital may draw attention and result in people judging me, so for now I just have to try getting through the day. But I feel I can take it one step at a time - the first step being here.

and RomanSunburn, that description really helped while i was having an anxiety attack. The serene enviroment plus trying to force the positive thoughts to overcome the negative.
oh, and I'm 20 years old and I've felt like this for about 5 or 6 years, I think. I'm not sure. It was kind of a gradual transition. It started with starving myself and throwing up to 'look good' and it just got worse from there. It used to just be about how I looked, but with time it became more than that. I can't put my finger on what exactly, it's just everything. And it's no longer a once in a while feeling, it basically has become my life.
With help and time, do you guys know if it gets better? in the long run?

Hi,

My depression does come in waves, but the only way I make any improvement is by reaching out to other people...and taking steps to get professional help is one of those steps. I dothink reaching out to people here is great, it has helped me a great deal.

For many of us the depression does lift. It's a matter of trying a number of different strategies that work for us. Seeing it as a medical illness has been very helpful for me.

How are you doing since your last post?

RJ

Hi, I just wanted to say that your not wasting by posting here. It can be tough trying to tell friends about depression. People that have never been through it or had experience with someone that has depression doesn't get it. It's a good thing that most people don't know what it is like, but for people like us that suffer from it, it is hard to reach out. I first starting feeling depressed in my teens, and when I reached out to my family they said to get over it. I found it helpful to talk to a psychologist. After struggling for a while, and attempted suicide a couple of times, I finally got some help. There are people out there that can help you manage all these feelings, there are also medications. I'm sorry your in so much pain. If it gives you any comfort just know that it isn't going to last forever. That is how I try to keep going. That and I have people I want to live for, even when I don't want to live. If your in college, some of them have counseling services, you can also go to your doctor to get a referral to someone that specializes in mental health. I hope you find some help and feel better.