[phaset]

Hi. I'm felling really crappy right now. I wish I knew What was wrong with me. Nothing feels right and everything hurts. Please ignore my self pity.

[tigerlily84]

I'm not sure if the position I'm in now is suitable for me. I'm trying to decide if I want to apply for a position that just opened up at my work. It would mean a pay raise. I would be a trainer, so I would be off the phones. (I work in a call center) This potential new job would include having me train the new employees through next March, in addition to ongoing training for the current employees. I just worry that my anxiety and depression would get in the way even in the new job, and that's if they hire me!

My current supervisor has started to ask me if I'm alright, if anything is wrong, etc. I think she may be noticing my anxiety while at work. She even picked up on it during training. I don't know how to hide it anymore - my last supervisor had too many employees to worry about. I was just starting to get used to doing my job after the first 2 weeks (with numerous smaller changes throughout); and now they have introduced an entirely new way of doing things. This new way is supposed to be the way we will be doing things the majority of the time, and the first way will be used as a backup. I wish it were the other way around.

So I am stressed all day everyday while at work. And I have a BPD mother that I live with and she is not speaking to me for going to my dad's for Father's day. (She's giving me the silent treatment) But if I got this job, I could start saving to get an apartment.

I am so tired. And my T's last day is this week. It's too much. No wonder I've just been sitting around all day, watching Mad Men on Netflix: everything else just stresses me out, so it's better to just distract myself.

I guess I needed to vent! Whew! Thanks guys.

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by gracez

Hi Lindamarie,

I hope this feeling passes. I think that it's not constant for you from what I remember of your other posts - so chances are it will pass again. Hold on, and hang in there...with everyone here. So many of us feel the same way, off and on, or constantly. I know it's a familiar one to me.

I also post pretty much only here. I looked at the Coping With Emotions forum for first time about a month ago, and sometimes I find it applicable / suits me. I also try to post in the New Members to welcome people, but only from time to time now, I don't stay on top of it. It feels nice to welcome people though.

I'm having an icky day as usual, have spent most of weekend in bed reading. But that was my wish. I feel a bit proud of myself because I answered 2 emails that weren't a big deal in the scheme of things, but hard for me to answer because I've been avoiding them so long and they involve some small decision. Now I'll probably have to reply AGAIN, but I'm trying to pat myself on the back that I made the first step.

Feeling very alone and not looking forward to another day of bad feelings.

Thank you for the response, Grace. It sort of makes me feel good to know that I don't always come across as feeling the way I described. I work very hard to not let myself dwell on how I feel. Unfortunately, the feeling is always there, waiting to ruin my day. Thank God for anti-depressants and for coping skills. <sigh>

[happy 2 b here]

Originally Posted by lindammarie

This is the only place I post. I know I used to comment on some other threads. Does anyone have any suggestions where I might fit in?

Hi Lindammarie

First, let me say your profile page is beautiful -- very lovely -- very cheery -- love seeing all that color. I have been dealing with depression, probably for about, as long as you have, too. I am a senior lady, and I battle low-grade depression, every day, for most of the day -- am on effexor xr, but it has not been working for a while, so I am not a happy girl at the moment, with a medication that is doing nothing for me, and putting up with the daily miseries!!

Don't know if meeting someone else who has gone through this forever, and probably will forever, gives you any support or comfort, but sometimes, just knowing we are not in this alone can help for a while

[tigerlily84]

Originally Posted by lindammarie

This is the only place I post. I know I used to comment on some other threads. Does anyone have any suggestions where I might fit in?

This is also really the only place that I post. I might post in another thread in the depression or psychotherapy forums, but rarely. Maybe the games section? They play word games if you like those. But we're definitely happy to have you here. That goes for you too gracez!

[happy 2 b here]

I feel like crap myself today -- scary crap --so, when this happens, I am best left completely alone -- with no one else close enough for me to do "bodily harm" -- well, maybe, that would not happen, but I do know that hubby listens to me when I say this, and will keep his distance!! Poor guy -- I can be such a bag at times -- don't even want to be with me

[healingme4me]

Kept myself appreciative of life, just watching my kids play at the beach.

I am a bundle of tears, have been since yesterday. Surprisingly, my ex has lent his ear to me, since what is going on affects these kids, my life and subsequently him too.

Dealing with FOO stuff, and OMG. Never mind I'm awaiting my next pdoc appointment, dealing with seems like panic attacks, but either way depression/anxiety are part of my life. I'm going to ask what else I can take, without that side effect. I like how much clearer and in depth my writing gets on ads, and depression has been more on than off since last summer.

Last summer, I finally sorted through this box of photos and files that belonged to my mom, given by her husband. Found the divorce file. Tapped into the scenario, that led to my darkest hours.

This weekend seems to have brought me to my *aha* moments, between the visit from my dad and stepmother yesterday and a phone call I received from my dad early this morning, and then a phone call my exh received from him while we were all going to the beach...it was when we stopped to pick up his neighbors son to come with us.

I'm not up to details, right now.

I'm in need of making sure, I have a certified health proxy and living will(not in harm, just reality is....) to ensure that if god forbid things happen, who's in line to care for my children, excluding grandparents. Because, my exs parents are long deceased, and so is my mom. Need a new one.

My ex is going to witness this and I to his. Yeah. I'm angry, hurt and generally well aware at an adult level of the feelings I felt as a youngster.

[Clara22]

Thank you all for your hugs!

[Nicks_Nose]

I found this thread of three pictures representing depression and didn't know quite where to post them. I like the artistic creativity in them.

Depression’s subtlety represented in upside-down ambigrammatic ads [6 pics] - 22 Words

[angryworld]

Mind running away with itself. Can't seem to put into words how I'm feeling, not even to myself. Getting a grip on the shocking amount of mental abuse I put myself through, and how little time I spend on my successes. Still so far away from anything like who I really want to be.

That is it...ups and downs...seems like they never stop.
One bit of news brings you up, next event brings you down.
It's time to go to the pool.

[herethennow]

managed to go out and get essentials. i should feel accomplished but idk...
i have a job interview tomorrow and i don't feel like going. it's as if theres this big boulder on me everyday that prevents me to move an inch out of my house.

[Rachel.i]

At Critter Lake with hubby & all the kids and their SO's. I went to get my fishing license yesterday and it's a steep walk up to the cabin. My bad leg gave out and I fell and made it much worse. So I've been relegated to the cabin and deck. They others are all out fishing off a boat. It's still nice to get away though, a change and change of scenery, as I live in suburbia outside a big city. The deck is tree-surounded but isn't far from the lake so I can see it.

I saw my pdoc last week. I have treatment-resistant depression, and of about 25 AD's I've tried, none have ever really worked for me, except Zoloft for a time about 15 years ago, and then it mostly made me numb. So we discussed my trying an Emsam patch, which is a method of delivering an MAO-inhibitor-type AD. I knew about them for a long time and that many people who've tried just about everything often respond to this class of AD. Of course there is a downside and a reason they're usually a very last resort - they interact with certain foods and OTC medicines in a way that can be extremely dangerous. A bad interaction can cause blood pressure to rise so high that it's fatal, or causes a stroke.

The Emsam patch though, at a low dosage, avoids most of the food interaction, since it doesn't go through the gut, but through the skin, bloodstream, and to the CNS. I was really hoping to try it soon and put surgery on my leg off for a while, because you can't be on it and have surgery (most anesthesia reacts badly to MAO's also). Not looking likely now but I have to play it by ear.

I've also been telling myself for a long time that I need to start taking better care of myself. Should have started riding that recumbent bike at home again, then my muscles would've been stronger in my leg & I might not have fell, should be eating healthier even if it's a lot more work... all hard to do when depressed, but when I was exercising faithfully in the 00's, I could scramble up a 15-foot pirate rope barefoot, no problem, or ride my 10- speed on 25-mile bike trails. Even three or four years ago I still could ride them. I have to try a lot harder on this, even if it takes baby steps to begin...

[Rachel.i]

Originally Posted by Sadeyes3533

I really just want to end it and put myself out of my misery.

(((Sadeyes))) Been there too more times than I want to remember. Wishing and praying that you'll catch on to a piece of hope soon and the despair recedes.

[tokiwartooth]

I'm back from a two week biology course on mayflies, caddisflies and stoneflies! It was very intense, but now I know how to ID them. We did a lot of hiking and so I lost some weight! I'm glad to be back now.

[Rachel.i]

Originally Posted by angryworld

Mind running away with itself. Can't seem to put into words how I'm feeling, not even to myself. Getting a grip on the shocking amount of mental abuse I put myself through, and how little time I spend on my successes. Still so far away from anything like who I really want to be.

Angryworld, know what you mean. I've been making an effort to stop the mental abuse I put my own self through, with rumination, put-down thoughts, focusing on the negatives instead of the positives, etc. I can be making good progress, then due to a trigger or event, find myself back in that destructive cycle, and yes, be shocked at the amount of mental abuse I'm causing myself. Almost as if I'm doing the work for my past abusers. Only thing I know to do is practice, keeping at it, repetition, in hopes that more constructive thought patterns will become more of a habit and come more naturally, with the opposite for the bad patterns.

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by happy 2 b here

Hi Lindammarie

First, let me say your profile page is beautiful -- very lovely -- very cheery -- love seeing all that color. I have been dealing with depression, probably for about, as long as you have, too. I am a senior lady, and I battle low-grade depression, every day, for most of the day -- am on effexor xr, but it has not been working for a while, so I am not a happy girl at the moment, with a medication that is doing nothing for me, and putting up with the daily miseries!!

Don't know if meeting someone else who has gone through this forever, and probably will forever, gives you any support or comfort, but sometimes, just knowing we are not in this alone can help for a while

Thank you for responding. I'm glad you liked my profile page. I try to keep a lot of bright colors around. I find they're cheerful.

I guess I'm a "senior lady", too. Turned 60 last September and that has really been playing me in a fairly negative way. I had just gotten used to "fighting sexism" and not here's "ageism" in my face!!

Am also on Effexor XR and find that it sort of allows me to go through sad periods from time to time, but then I am able to pull back out. I find that talk therapy helps me a lot, but my insurance doesn't cover but about 10 "mental health" appointments a year and most of those are used up by my psychiatrist who monitors my medication.

I think it helps that I have a fairly upbeat personality and an offbeat sense of humor. Yet the ache that is almost always in my heart can feel unbearable.

It does feel good to know I'm not the only one feeling the way I do. Otherwise, I'd just be hopeless. But when I see others coping, it encourages me to cope, too.

[lindammarie]

Originally Posted by tigerlily84

This is also really the only place that I post. I might post in another thread in the depression or psychotherapy forums, but rarely. Maybe the games section? They play word games if you like those. But we're definitely happy to have you here. That goes for you too gracez!

I'm satisfied with being here, but often wonder if I'm posting to much about things that don't fit in this thread...

[tigersassy]

Feeling ok. Trying to connect with an emotion long since disconnected. Tough stuff.

[phaset]

Today started off ok. This morning I had an appointment with my therapist who I am getting more comfortable with. I'm back to feeling crappy this afternoon.

One of the first times I posted here I said that my symptoms were puzzle pieces. I'm starting to realize I am missing pieces too. I feel like there is something major missing in my life. It's a secret and no one will tell me what it is.

[gracez]

can't deal. wish i could stay unconscious. back to crying in bed

[nicolerose]

i feel really low today, i dont even know whats wrong
i woke this morning around 5 or 6, i checked my email, then slept until 10am.
i woke up, checked my emails, went to eat

then i went to a class, i enjoyed it but i dont have any other friends in the class so after it was done i felt depressed again. and sometimes in the class i couldnt concentrate because i felt depressed about life.

then after i didnt do much, i sat around for a while, i tried to write in a journal but i couldnt focus, i only got through about 2 small pages, its only a small notebook, for about 15 minutes, sometimes i can write about over an hour or two.

then i reconnected with an old friend, that i was happy about, at least over text, because shes in another country.

then i went to get dinner, i sat by myself and it made me depressed to see everyone else with their friends and laughing. then i went back to my room, checked my emails and now im writing this.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by lindammarie

I'm satisfied with being here, but often wonder if I'm posting to much about things that don't fit in this thread...

No, it's great reading those postings that are sometimes more in depth and introspective I sometimes write and write and write, and sometimes just write a little bit.

I find it's being able to get what's off your chest, and sometimes there's a mini-conversation off of it, and sometimes not. Either way, the concept behind this, I am really appreciating and enjoying in my short time here in PC, so far.

It was a fairly nice day at work today. But after work, it did not go so well. I worked out with the weights which is a good thing to do. But it didn't go well. It went well until the very end of it. At the last exercise that I did, I pulled a muscle around the rib area. And on top of that the hot tub is not working, just when I need it the most! And also my good friend is out of town. I would have wanted to talk to him about it, but no dice.

I hope I can sleep well tonight. It might be hard with this pain that I just got now! I didn't sleep well last night because I had a headache that wouldn't go away all night. I rarely get headaches.

It seems like stuff like this happens a lot this time of year. Did I say something about hating this time of year?

[Harmacy]

Yesterday was a really mixed day. I thought I'd upset a friend at work by contacting them outside of work so I spent the morning very depressed and anxious.

It gradually became apparent that she treated me exactly the same way as before so I don't think any damage was done and we're still friends. I'm glad I weathered the storm as feel better now. Lesson learnt is not to jump to negative assumptions and even if I do, wait before accepting them as reality.

Emotional patience is something I really need to work on.