Feeling down about something

Some of you know my Mom passed away Saturday. Ive been processing the grief and have been feeling like Im at a pretty good place with it, possibly too good for some people.

Yesterday my older sister called me arrogant because I somewhat sternly requested that my younger sister provide me with the info about the funeral so I could inform my work about whats going on. I had chosen to skip the family meeting at the mortuary because I didnt feel I had any input to give and was willing to be fine with whatever decision the family made about what to do with moms remains. That was probably a mistake on my part, it seems to have sent a signal to the rest of the family that I dont care at all about anything, and when I called to find out what was decided my voice message went un-returned for several hours. I couldnt help but feel left out and maybe I brought it on myself but its still how I felt.

When I finally got hold of my younger sister I asked if she had gotten my earlier message and she said no. I then went on to ask if she had any plans of informing me about what was going on at some point. She's the POA and I feel its her responsibility to keep the rest of us advised.

She's still young and I can forgive her not returning my call. She has a lot on her mind and most likely feels really overwhelmed. Emotions are raw on all sides. Instead of giving me the info she told me I should have called to get the info (overlooking that I did call) and then hung up on me. I apologized to her for my tone of voice via text but havent heard from her.

Then I went to my older sister and told her one of them needed to let me know what was going on. Thats when she said I was arrogant. So I fired back at her something about eagerly going through moms things already.

Ive since apologized to both, it was wrong of me to snap at my sister and the only excuse I have is feeling the way I feel about all this. Ive heard from neither of them and I need to tell my work something. It feels like Im being mistreated but I know we're all only human and their feelings might be raw too. Actually, my older sister and mom were never really close. I dont know what more to do to fix things and I feel like Im going to miss the funeral and lose my remaining family over this

Thanks for reading and any replies or opinions are appreciated.

Allimsaying, I so sorry that your mother has passed away. You are obviously all grieving and this may linger for some time. Is person to person out of the question, maybe you are far away. You do need to know the details of the burial so I would keep calling. They have to answer at some point. Yes I'm afraid not going to the mortuary did send the wrong signals but you are still family and maybe they feel you don't care. I know you do. Hang on in there and keep calling!

Im afraid your right that I sent the wrong message Pierro. Thanks for your reply. I guess I thought after all we'd been thru in the previous days they'd realize I do care but one can never tell. If we only had do-overs.....

This is the text I just received from her:

"I am not worried about what mom thinks, you know that by now. You have some serious mental issues and the least amount of time I have to talk to you the better. There is no funeral, there is nothing, ok?"

Sorry for the drama.

I replied: "see you sweetie "

I am not feeling all that sweet right now myself but I knew I had to say something good towards her or Id regret it later.

We all grieve in our own way, I am sorry for your loss, do what you need to do for yourself and trust that the others are doing what they need to do.

I'm very sorry about your mother's death, Allimsaying, and I hope that your grief will
not last longer than it takes to forgive your sisters and to step back into your job with
assurance and ease.

Forgiving them is the only way to go, really. It frees you from involvement in their
negativism.

Take care of yourself and know that your mother is in good hands and that she loved
you all.

As an after thought, I think you need to know whether your mother left a will and what
the directions are in it if she did leave an estate that must be settled. You cannot, in
those circumstances, be ignored by family members. That becomes serious legal business.

I hope you are protected from anything amiss in the estate.

Take care of yourself, Allimsaying.

((allimsaying))))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))) I know you are the one who sat with your mom. You are the one who stayed till the end.
To ask about your moms funeral , even sternly after they didn't answer you is not a bad thing.
tempers fly due to stress of death.
Maybe they feel bad they weren't there at the end. I hate to say it. But they should have been.
You are a good person. Know that. Your mom loved you.

Thanks Gen, w4m, and 'maybe. I sat here and fussed and fidgeted over what I should do about this. Its too much to lose all my family at one time. I made a mistake and I snapped at my younger sister and it was weak of me. I can forgive myself because Im only human and these are hard times. I kept praying that they would see that I am under the same stress they are but I cant help but feel Im supposed to be stronger than that.

I texted my younger sister and apologized again. I didnt believe they were ready for a face to face or would answer if I rang, so I wrote a short but sincere apology, told her there was nothing more I could do to fix this and if she didnt mind, there were only a few personal belongings at moms I needed to come pick up. She said that was fine and I knew immediately was the best time to take care of it. I knew my state of mind was one that would let me treat all of them respectfully while still respecting myself and there was one person present at the house that I knew would act as a reliable witness if anything went wrong. So I went over there.

I grabbed some boxes outside first. As I was putting things in the car my 4 year old niece came to the door and I couldnt help feel a rush of love for her. She was so sweet and innocent and Im sure had been protected as much as possible from everything thats been going on. We just smiled our usual little silly smiling games together.

Thats when I had to go inside and get what was stored in there. The whole family was sitting there just as I hoped they would be. I wanted them all present.

I told my sister I needed things from two rooms and she said fine, go ahead and get them. It didnt take me long and I had in my arms what I came for. On my way passing out the door I had to pass by my niece again and she stopped playing to give me a big hug and it was almost more than I could take, I started to cry but I couldnt let myself in front if her. Then she started showing us all what she'd learned about counting in school and the only thought I could think was how I was going to miss this little girl terribly.

I told my sister how I still had a few things there I couldnt get to because of stuff being piled in front of the closet and told her there was a nice foldable camping chair, never used, that she could have along with anything else I left behind. She said she wasnt getting rid of anything and it seemed like an opening that I would be allowed back later to see what remained. Then she said she understood this was hard on everyone. There was a round of agreement on all sides. I told her to stay in touch then and said goodbye to everyone except my oldest sister. Shes the one who sent the text above and I didnt want to upset her by saying anything at all to her.

I got about half way home and got a text. I couldnt read it while driving and went on home and started taking care of a few things when I remembered about the text. I read it. It was an invitation to my nieces birthday party tomorrow from my oldest sister. I accepted the invitation.

Its not all healed, but its a start. Im so glad my younger sis loves her daughter this much that she knew it would hurt her if I wasnt at the party. I hope theres hope but for now Im content.

Thanks for the support guys. You really rock.

It's all resolved, it seems. But I agree with you as POA she had a responsibility to inform the family. By not showing up, though, you kind of let them down - they now had to handle the decision. But it's not the hugest thing, either. It's not like you left one other person to make the decision - sounds like there were several and you would have just been there to agree and show support for everyone. Anyway, all good now and you aren't shut out from the niece's life either.

iam so sorry for your loss ((((Allimsaying)))

What a relief, Allimsaying! You must feel so-oo-o much better. And I hope you'll enjoy
the birthday party a lot.

I'm glad for you that this is over now.

Take care.

Hi Allimsaying,
I am very sorry for your loss. Mourning is an extraordinary event and people react to it in odd ways, regardless their mental health, IMO. For example, when my sister passed away it was done a wake, as it is usual here in my country of origin. My mom is very old and fragile and went to sleep at home at night. My brother in law without warning my mom in advance, decided for my sister to be buried earlier. My brother happened to be in the wake and had to take a cab in a rush to get my mom to see my sister one more time before the coffin was closed. But when my brother came back with my mom to the wake the coffin was already closed and that was really traumatic for my mom. I do not know why my sister family did that (my intuition is that it was a kind of revenge against my mom, because my mom is a very cold person, but it is not something to punish, my mom is in that way due to traumas during her infancy). I was not in my country when my sister passed away. I called my nephew and nieces and eventually asked for an explanation, but they could not give anyone.
The aunt of a friend of mine passed away before my sister did. Her father (he is the brother of the deceased person) was in a cruise when the person died. The family of the deceased woman told the father of my friend about the death. He said them to hold on that he was trying to get a flight to attend her sister burial. They said yes, but then decided burry her without waiting for her brother. So the man abandoned his vacation for nothing, when he came back the sister have been already buried. Perhaps, in this case it was also an unconscious revenge against this uncle that had taken vacations regardless his sister was gravely sick. But I think it is not OK to change plans once you told somebody you will wait for him to come back to be able to participate in the funeral.
Anyway, I am not sure these examples will give you some relief, but it helped me to know the story of the father of my friend when I learned what the family of my sister did.
Hope you feel better soon.

Hi allimsaying..I am sorry to learn of the passing of your Mother, only because of the additional grief that you are having to endure because of your family members..unfortunately this happens to lots of families. My family just went through this back last November with my grandmother. I firmly believe that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord..I feel strongly that both of them are better off now..it doesn't make it any easier to let go by any means..I just don't like when family members cause problems that are really unnecessary at this time...People need to come together and stay close, in order to deal with their loss...May God bless and keep each and every one of your family and friends.....♥

Mom loved the Lord and is with the Lord, there is no doubt in my mind. Thank you Squaw. Gods Love guided you here to say this. God has many arms, many hands, is busy all the time. God can do so much with people like us, for people like us. Blessings on you always.

Hermit, Puffy, Clara and Gen. I cant say enough how much your kindness these past few days has helped. To each of you I give my love and appreciation.

The birthday party was combined into a memorial for mom. We didnt say much about it, they decided to have her cremated and no ceremony. Just as well I suppose. Mom will always be in our hearts no matter where her ashes lie.

I think some of what you said applies Clara. My oldest sister was defending my youngest sister. We're all a little bit fierce about people we love. It was like the things said yesterday were never said. I think forgiveness went full circle. It was awesome to see my niece, the newest generation, so young, full of life. I know many uncles must feel like I do. I want her so much to always stay that way, that no harm would ever come to her, that she'd never know what tears were. Of course its too late for that already. She really was the center of light for each of us today.

Thanks and God Bless to each of you.

So nice to hear tensions eased & niece enjoyed her Bday.
You're in my prayers as you grieve.

You were the better person in the end Allimsaying, and I'm so happy that you are all o.k. again especially with your older sister. PM me anytime.

Things are calm for now Pierro. Im still being very careful with them though. I feel like its going to work out now though. Maybe subconsciously we each need to establish ourselves in our new roles as parent-less family.



Gen, Im trying to decide now about returning to my stressful job. It seems everything I earn is turned back over to auto repairs and expenses no matter what I earn it seems I always only have just enough to get by (and thank God I have at least that much). I need to retire someday. If Im spending everything I earn and building no savings, Im asking myself why Im putting myself through all the stress. It makes me feel good that Im supporting others family's by buying at their shops but.... If Im going to be broke anyway Id rather be happy. Maybe its time to work on that book? Undecided here.

Im so glad things worked out with your family. So glad you went to the party

Only you can decide on what to do next in life. I would thou give it a bit. Making choices right after a death they say not to do

Thank you 'maybe.

But how long is 'a bit'. I have a feeling Im about to argue myself into doing what I guess I already know what it is I want to do. I hate to be irresponsible and Im at an age where 'starting over' is getting harder and harder. I had wanted to settle into this job until retirement but my visions before I started arent lining up soon enough. I feel like a robot at work. Some satisfaction but always feeling like theres something else Id rather be doing. When I traveled I never had that feeling just got hungry when I needed and didnt find work. I hope Ive learned to be a smarter traveler and it can be dangerous out there but if I practice safe traveling habits I hope I'd be ok. I hate when I feel like Im fooling myself but all I know is that job is tooooo much stress and not enough love. I feel empty a lot of the time and I try to fill it by reminding myself that the experience is good overall and it can work out this way but something still calls for me to move on, leave it, that theres something else, something living, something that makes me feel whole waiting for me out there somewhere.

Hi,
I changed jobs several times, even being disabled and living in a developing country. Like you, I think that it is important to feel plenty at work, and, on the other hand, it is important to think about the future, retirement, etc. Lastly, I have discover one more aspect to take into account in addition to our happiness at work and future. This is our abilities and bow we can better impact the world. At this point, you have some expertise, you know how to do certain stuff. by doing that you are helping people and the world to become a better place, to function, etc. Maybe you will not think like that but I am almost sure that everyone can make a difference in this world. That eventually can bring you a sense of fulfillment. but you do not do it because of you want to satisfy yourself, you do it because you want to contribute to something bigger than you. I mean, it can be something to add to your criteria to make a decision, if you like. Hoping the best for you

Im sorry I missed replying to you kindachaotic, its been, well, kinda chaotic lol. My older sis went back to her home out of state today. We had spoken at the get together and I feel things are back to being in good order between us. I spoke with her new boyfriend before they left. Both he, and she, are employees of the state mental health system where they live. I just met him for the first time and I like him already. I felt embarrassed over what had happened and started to explain to him that my sisters and I are usually close and helpful to each other. He just waved off what I started to say and said all siblings are like that once in awhile. Im sure theres some truth to that but I still hope we'll only be close and helpful to each other now. I recieved a text from my younger sister today that she needs herself and I to be ok with each other. I told her we are and I love her. She said she loved me back.



Clara, you're right on the nose with where Im at. I feel like I can do a little bit to help others in my current job, but I feel I could do more if I give myself some freedom to work on some art projects Ive been developing. I need work that gives me more free time than I currently have. Ive been thinking about this all and Im meeting with someone tonight that might help me come to a decision. Thanks again for your support.

Good luck!

Thanks again everyone. I spoke with my work and have decided to stay on for now. I also have a sort of obligation to a friend here in town that I want to fulfill. I asked for part time at work and also to have my coverage area changed. I was granted all that I asked for. Im kind of worried Ive cut my income back too far in making this decision but the stress was killing me so I just have to try my best to make this new arrangement work out. I can volunteer some sales work for the company, its net effect if successful will boost my personal income as well as that of the company's, so it isnt unselfish, but it helps everyone if I succeed. This only a trial and I can evaluate how its going in a few weeks. If it doesnt work out, its decision time again. Im excited but nervous about changing work/locations right now. This was so much easier when I was younger and taking risks could always be corrected in some way if things didnt work out. Dont feel that confident now for some reason, but if life has taught me anything, its that things can always work out with the right attitude and determination. Still somewhat worried though.