WHY DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND ME?!?!?!!?

I am posting a link here to something I wrote awhile back for the site. I ask that you read it and help me out here. This is about as blatant a request for support as I know how to make.

My son's father makes a 6-figure income, drives a Porsche, owns a home, has investments and securities and annuities.

Year before last, I had three jobs, and I grossed $27K before taxes.

I am PISSED OFF that the sperm donor has sailed through life while I have had to scrape for every infinitesimally small thing I have.

I am PISSED OFF that people continually negate my feelings surrounding the grief and depression and trauma that my "selfless" (so they say) choice has brought me.

I am PISSED OFF that people seem to expect me to be loving and honorable when I have as much right to my grief as the next person. Am I bitter? You betcha. Am I glad my son exists? Wholeheartedly. But if someone had stepped up and told me, while I was making this "choice," that it was going to completely derail the rest of my life, I would have thought twice.

Yes -- I CHOSE to have sex, with someone I loved deeply. NO -- I did not ask for an incompetent physician, who prescribed a medication, or an incompetent pharmacist, who neglected to tell me of an interaction with the prescribed medication (that the doctor should have known about), which led to the failure of my birth control method. I am thrilled my son is walking around on the planet and on his way to doing good in the world. I am thrilled he has had a spectacularly wonderful life with terrific parents, who have chosen, over the last couple of years, to share that with me. But don't think for a minute it mitigates my despair and my sense of loss.

Somebody -- anybody -- PLEASE tell me I have a right to my feelings. I would never dream of telling a parent who has lost a child to death to get over it, but I have had many of those same parents say that to me, or worse, tell me I am not a parent at all. Even people on PC have told me that. I am begging SOMEBODY HERE to stand up and validate me. Please.

Candy

Is your son's father paying you child support? He should be and it should be a fairly good amount seeing how he can afford it. That being said, you didn't go into much detail about why your grieving and bitter. Is it because your son's father and you didn't end up together or is it because you are raising your son alone and you didn't expect to. You do have a right to your feelings and no it doesn't make you selfish or a bad mother. I am not a mother and its somewhat by choice because I know my BF would not be responsible and I'm not in the position to really provide for and take care of a child. I would have liked to have a child if the circumstances were different. Anyway, not to get off the subject of you, don't beat yourself up. All parent's get stressed out and angry sometimes at what is involved in being a parent and having someone depend on you. That is a big responsibility. I don't judge people, because I know I don't want people judging me for the way I feel about certain things. So I hope this helped you some.

Take Care.

Thanks for the reply, but it would have helped if you had read the link.

I placed my son for adoption after not being able to go through the abortion the sperm donor offered to pay for. I didn't want to raise a child on welfare as a single parent.

I don't judge you (((((((((((((( Candy ))))))))))))))

You have a right to your grief (grrrrrrrr at those who say otherwise )

((((((((((candybear)))))))))))))

You do have a right to your feelings. Wholeheartedly. Nobody can tell you otherwise.

As far as I'm concerned (and please forgive me if I'm stepping on your toes) but you made the best decision considering the circumstances.



I can't say I understand but I'm sorry that some have acted so indecently - you do not deserve it.

((((candybear))))) I am speaking as a man,but my partner who i was with for seven years had to put her child into care at the age of 12 because he was violent ,aggresive and pshycotic,he was not my natural son but i helped bring him up for 6 years.His natural fathe rwho allways had contact tried to take him but it seemed his behaviour got worse,we neveer had the support from social services and doctors were pretty useless so when it came to my partner being attacked by him with a rock that was the final straw we just couldnt cope anymore and the descision was made.there is a lot more to this story but ti keep it short i will just say this that even for me it was traumatic but for my partner it was even more so.especialy as you say an mothers day and the kids birthday.so yes you have a perfect right to you grief it is only natural.I dont know weather this post is entirely relavant i have a tendency to waffle on a bit.So i hope you ok soon.

(Candybear)I'm not here to judge you at all, but I'd like to ask you this, what diference does it make how much money he has and how much do you make? I understand you feel left out, but I think you are having a mix of feeling you need to separeta in order for you to start working on getting better.
Hang in there Candy, I hope someday you cna find the peace you need ~hugs~

Candy, I can't imagine the sense of loss you feel knowing you gave your son to others to raise so he would not have to share in your struggle for survival. I do understand your grief. I hope that the grief lessons for you. You deserve that. for me with a loss of a child there is the intense grief, guilt, what ifs, shouldas, etc. These have faded with time as I have healed and gotten therapy about some of the thoughts I was holding onto. Candy, you are who you are, to me a good friend, a spirited moral person, a mother, a writer, a woman. We all carry so many pieces of our selves around. As for dad, Some dads have also grieved for the adoption of their child, men sometimes grieve differently or maybe not at all in these types of situations.

Keep plugging away. Maybe in another thread sometime we can talk about money and things and what it means. I have some very interesting thoughts on that.

Take care...

It makes me angry that he has skated through life while I have struggled; it makes me angry that it took me nearly 2 decades to even begin to get my life back on track while he has sailed through with ease, not caring and not feeling anything about any of this and not acknowledging his part in the derailment of my life. (We still talk now and then, btw, so I know this.)

Yes, there are a variety of things to sort out.

CB

You have a right to your feelings! If feeling bitter helps you, then go for it, hang on despite what anyone else says or feels. When I'm very frightened, feeling hopeless, often the only way I can get out of that "hole" is to get angry; "appropriately," inappropriately, doesn't matter. It works for me. Don't let anyone else tell you how to feel. I remember the old joke/response to "Have a good day" -- "Don't tell me what kind of day to have.!"

Hi Candy,

What a wonderful article on being a Birth Mom you wrote!!!!!!!! You are a great writer!!

Gosh, with everything you have been through the least you are entitled to are your own feelings. I don't know what any of the people who told you otherwise were thinking. I would like to pound a few of them for you.

What else can I say, I just think you're great, and understand a little of your sorrow after my adoption of an older child nightmare.

(((((((((((((((((((((Candy))))))))))))))))))))))))

Love,

EJ

Hello you have the right to mourn the loss of your child, to the adoptive parents, and be angry as well. But I feel that you do not have the right to measure your life by what happened in the past. I had a child murdered 23 years ago, I still mourn for my child, but I have had to go on, because it was something I could not change. Today I run 2 support groups, and do a lot of volunteer work in the community, because I know deeop down that I would want my children to be proud that they had a mother that cared for children, and the welfare of children. Possibly redirecting the hatred and hurt to something positive would help, you gave your child to parents that wanted children, and helped you by giving your child the right to have 2 parents. You did not abandon your child you gave your child parents, and anyone that feels that you are not a mother is wrong. You will always be a mother because you had the child yourself, and had the courage to keep the child and give it to parents that care, instead of aborting the child. You can not people that are wrong lead you to believe that you are a bad person, for making the right decision for you and your child years ago. It is hard not to feel bad around the holidays and birthdays but hopefully you can one day see the positive in what you did one day. I hope the best for you take care sincerely Soidhonia.

Candy you are hurting and my heart goes out to you. Sending you gentle (((hugs)))

Candybear, you are a true Mothr in every sense of the word, you gave your son life and a wonderful begining, I envy you because you were lucky enough to see you son, I wasn't that lucky, when my Matthew went to heaven the drs. wouldn't tell us what happened he was just gone
You have every right to tell the world what a GOOD MOTHER you are, not many woman can love a child enough to let them go
Angie

thank you ((((((((((((((Angie)))))))))))))) and (((((((Soidhonia)))))))) and all who have suffered some form of this loss. And thank you to everyone for responding.

CB

Candybear,

I apologize for not reading the article first. But I still feel the same way, that you have a right to your feelings. Nobody has the right to tell you how to feel or how not to feel. Nobody has the right to judge you and certainly nobody should tell you that you are not a mother. I don't know why people are so insensitive and mean. They need help is all I can say. Maybe they haven't had to go through anything painful. All I can say is try not to let others opinions and thoughts get you down. I will keep you in my prayers.

Candybear I am so sorry about your hurt in so many ways. Yes, you are a mom and one that has additional sadness and normal feeling to contend with that other moms What greater sacrifice can someone make but to give up her child for thier betterment. I can only imagine the grief you must feel.

I am sorry that the father does not seem to be feeling the same as you. But he is missing out on one of the important thiings in life and hat is the learning you are now recieving about your child. Yes that can never be taken away.

I hope someday that they will see what you did and that was a selfless act for their good by a mother who would have to live with the suffering of her actions for many years. I am certainly not trying to negate the feelings you are having but recognize how compounded they are by your situation.

It is unfortunate what and how you found yourself. I hope you feel that you made the right one for both you and his long term betterment. It seems you did. '

I hope you don't feel I have minimized any of the feelings you have as that has not been my intent. What has is the compassion I feel for everything that you have had to contend with.

Please contact me if I can be of any help. You are a strong, courageous and kind mother.

Take care. BB

Candybear,

There are alot of things that people can take away from us but one thing they can't take away, is our feelings. They're our feelings and no one elses.
You have every right to feel however you want. I think it's very special that you gave up your son to have better opportunities than you could give him. I hope your son realizes what a sacrifice it was and how lucky he should feel.
Take care of yourself and I wish only the best for you,
Linda