[depressedgirl]

I just got out of the hospital for attacking my guidance counsellor at school.I had been off of my meds for weeks.I just got out a few days ago,but,already im feeling depressed again,ive been cutting again,and i just feel worthless,like all I want to do is lay down on my bed and die.As soon as I got home the other day,I locked myself in my room and cried.I didnt come out till this morning.It seems like all I want to do is lock myself in my room and cry.I can't eat,I can't get enough sleep.I can't talk to my mom because my mom and dad are having enough problems of their own with them in the process of a divorce and I dont want to add to their problems.I just don't know what to do anymore.I don't even know if when I go back to school on January 3rd if they'll lety me talk to my school counsellor anymore because of what I did.I'm just so confused and I don't know what to do.

[(JD)]

I'm sorry that in your desperation you attacked probably the one person who was trying to help you. That often happens where we are depressed.

Ok, try and look at things THIS way...your parents and their inability to get along IS what is causing your problems..so don't twist it and think you should carry this burden all yourself... it's THEIR problems on your shoulders... you better share all your sadness (not necessarily all the info) with them... this IS their responsibility. Just think, if it's too much for you to handle, as it certainly is, who do you think is supposed to help you with it? Try maybe an adult or two...called PARENTS!!!!

Please don't feel like a burden. Parents need to know ALL of the rippling effects of their divorcing etc. imo.

Now, while you were in hospital, did they give you new meds to try??? Why not, if not? What counseling/therapy plan did they help you make for once you were out of hospital??

Breathe. Things will not always be this dark. Really. Things changed. It's the depression that makes you think things will never get better or change.

[Annieluv]

Hi,

I understand your difficulties. I'm also a tenager who's keeping my diagnosis from my family, albeit doing it well for now because I'm determined not to let it rule my life and that my problems do not come from family.

It's hard, gal but hang on. You need to tell your parents because if they are the ones who's adding to your problems, they need to know because they may be the ones who can help you to be better.

Try and see if you can seek help from a professional if you can't get your guidance counselor. It can be rather costly though that's why if it's only you can't see your counselor.

Cheers! I'm sure you will be better in future!

[breezer]

Seems as though mom and dads issues are really putting you through the emotional wringer. Growing up and getting to know and love yourself is work enough without worrying whether your feelings will "burden" your folks. Their relationship troubles are a part of why you are feeling so uneasy. They need to find time to be available for you despite their mutual stress. And do not allow yourself to "own" any responsibility for their situation. A brand new year is on the horizon and even if only symbollically it means the opportunity for new ideas and new directions.

Be kind to yourself. Do not define yourself (or be defined) by your recent troubles or that outburst with your GC. Obviously you've got alot on your plate and emotions are running high. If you feel up to it, ask your parents to talk. Let them know that you love them and that you're feeling overwhelmed about school, about their splitting, and whatever else is on your mind. They should be receptive and concerned about how you're feeling. And definately keep speaking your mind here... getting your feelings out and "trapping them on the page" is powerful stuff, and there are alot of good people here who may be able to shed some light on your problems and offer some insight and solutions.

Keep striving. Peace and Strength to you during this difficult time.

-breezer

[Soidhonia]

Hello sorry to hear that you are having a rough time at this time in your life. Ihope the Dr gave you some medication to take so that you can feel better, and therapy helps as well. I am going to leave you a hotline number to call if you get depressed and want someone to talk to in person. 1-800-273-TALK, and 1-800-448-3000 for young people. I hope things get better for you soon, and you feel better soon. email anytime Sincerely Soidhonia

[wanting]

It does feel better once you tell your parents exactly how you are feeling.I am a thirty year old man and it made me feel better telling my mother the problems ive been having for the last 20 yrs ive allways hidden it really well until recently,my family have not really known of my suffering or at least have tried to ignore it.
My point is that things are better to come out than to be left in to fester.

I also had lots of problems with my parents being unhappy, fighting & threatening divorce. They had no time to care for us kids. A lot of other stuff was happening which I won't go into, but I called my doc (a pediatrician) when I was 15. She had me come in once a week (I was in a boarding school & my dorm parent drove me in) & she was like a therapist. She never told my parents I was coming & never charged me. She saved my life. Perhaps you can call your doc & explain what is going on & get some help.--Suzy

[depressedgirl]

hi,
Im still to scared to talk to my parents cause every time I try to talk to them,they always yell at me and say im lieing.I just don't know to get them to believe me.I just found out the other day from my mom that,at the first of the year,she and I are moving to Alabama,cause my mom is leaving my dad for someone else.I don't want to leave cause,after failing 8th grade cause of all my depression and bi-polar problems,I was finally gonna get to graduate from 8th grade this year,but,now since im moving so late in the year,ill probably have to repeat 8th grade again.Plus,ill have to leave all of my friends that ive known my whole life and ill have to leave my boyfriend who ive been going out with off and on for the past 5 1/2 months.I love my boyfriend and I don't want to leave him.I won't ever get to see him or talk to him again cause he doesn't have a phone at his house.I don't want to leave my friends because ive known them all my life and I don't want to lose them.I just don't know what to do.

[breezer]

Hello again. Sorry to hear that things are so "upside down" for you right now. Take a little comfort in knowing that life won't always be this hectic. It looks like you are in a very transitional place in your life, and that for good or for bad, these changes are on the way.
Being uprooted from all that is familiar to you can be a freaky idea...
but there is an old saying that goes... "in order for a new door to open, an old one must close." New beginnings can be a bit nervous, but you also get the chance to make a fresh start, and maybe, just maybe, getting out of the chaos and negativity that is consuming your parents time and rendering them unavailable to be of support to you will allow you to grow in a new direction.

Get everybody's addresses and contact information NOW so when this move that is coming happens you are able to keep in touch with the people that are important to you in your current town. No phone for that guy you care about? Get his address and copy it down somewhere safe( like in your journal and your email account. do this for your friends and relatives as well) Do it the "old fashioned" way and pen them letters and send them "snail mail" in an "envelope" with a "stamp". You may discover a new outlet for communication by trying your hand at an old process called "letter writing". All kidding aside, get that contact info right away and you wont feel totally disconnected when the move happens.

Another old saying is "...If nothing changes, nothing changes..."

This move, though it may be intimidating, may just be the change you need in your life to reinvent yourself. I highly recommend you seek out a support system (this site is one form of that) to keep you sharing your feelings and to help you learn ways to cope with the stresses in your life and the everyday stresses of growing up.

Take a deep breath and get ready for something new... and better than your current circumstances. Don't get too upset about the school situation... take care of yourself and smile at that person in the mirror and everything will work itself out in its own time. The only way out of the pain is to stay strong and walk through it.

Til next time, here's a poem from an old friend...

My best friend, in the looking glass lives
Soothing, reassuring, confidence to me they give
Always there when I am confused or blue
How comforting it is to have a friend so true
When I am down, in the mirror they'll be
Is it so strange?... my best friend is Me.

Take Care and Stay Strong. You've only just begun...
Many wonders await ... Peace to You.

-Breezer

i'm sorry that so much has been dumped on you during the holidays. i understand how you must be feeling about the move and leaving your friends.

keep posting and let us help you get through this........xoxoxo pat

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( depressedgirl ))))))))))))))

[PaulS]

I'm a Dad - an old one - so I can only try to imagine your world, but I have shut thedoor, cried, cut myself, and had medication problems. I'm really big so people freak if I just get mad, so I don't have to attack anybody to get in trouble.

I acan just tell youthat, as a Dad, I have no problemsof my own that would prevent me from caring aboutthe kinds ofproblems you have. Idon't know yourparents, so I can't be sure, but sometimes it is good to knowwhat all theproblemsare so you can prioritize, and often it is good to worry about your children instead of yourself.

You know best, and it is likely that your parents aren't very skilled at helping with your specific problems, and it is probable tht it would upset them, but I swear to you that in general parents woud like to make the decision for ourselves whether whether to try to help our children.

The crummiest feeling in my life has been when things went wrong and people didn't even believe in me enough to think I might possibly care.

Besides that, you are so alone that abeing alone is a probloem of its own. If not your parents, who else can you reach out to? (we count, you know. I visualize your sad, damp room and your sad, damp face and I hope to send a little bit of company your way with these words.)

Wouldn't it be a hoot if your guidance couinselor were willingto help you? Only in 7th heaven, I know.

I'll sound like an old one now-
the most surprising thing about having troubles in my life has been
1. the people I thought were close to me couldn't alway handle it that I had problems
2. Other people, sometimes people I barely knew, stepped up and were there for me in the most unexpected ways.

My kids are in their 20s, and my son is calling me just to check on me during this most recent bout. Wow! You area young one, and there are a lot of people besides your parents who are prepared to nurture teh young of the species.

I believe that attacking yoiur guidance counselor was not a coice, but a symptom. Others probably think you could and should have controlled yourself. Only you know, but now you know that violence doesn't work for you and you can avoid it.

Cuttting is usually a secret activity. A wide range of people will recognize it as a very serious symptom. It happens a lot more in females, so support systems for women are hellpful. I find it gets boring being a depressed person and it helps to get help with one aspect of my troubles and keeping a few of my secrets, at least until I know whom I can trust. (I like to imagine, for example, that a rape crisis center would be able to steer you to help with the cutting, since women who have been sexual victims may have that problem.)

IfI am imagining your feelings right, you feel as though some people have let you down, and that when you asked for help they heard you wrong. That happens a lot in all kinds of things. You have to say someting 7 times, I hear, before people hear it.

There used to be school nurses to act as advocates for kids with medical issues - kids like you. Public Health nurses are also very often a very superior kind of practical helper.

You may be feeling guilty over the mess you are deeling with, but it doesn't sound as though you are up to fixing a lot of things right now. Just lowering your guilt level might be enough to accomplish for now. After all, you'[re very young, and puberty is usually too much for the average kid to handle. You've had a lot to dealwith at a time in your life when you are just starting to learn who you are and what works for you.

You have accomplished one very important thing tonight. I have been thinking aabout you and trying to imagine your feelings and needs - that's called empathy- and finding empathy for another makes it harder for me to have compassion for myself. You reached out - and how couldI have responded ifyou hadn't done that? Thank you so much.

Don't thinks for a moment that I'm doing better than you. It's just always easier to help with someone else's problems it gets my mind off my inability to solve my own.

Is this becoming a downer?

Okay, my most positive experience - it isn't important to get better, just to start in the right direction. Direction is everything, not speed. Slightly less incredibly hopelessis a significant step up from incredibly hopeless. And you are neither. you are a person with enough hope to reach out. Good for you.

Please forgive me for not spelll-checking. Tht's justtoo hard with my current brain. It uses the parts that hurtthe worst.

[PaulS]

Onequality of beeing a teen is that people want to tell you whether part of your life are important or not. Losing someone you love is a bad thing at any age, and people are insensitive to how importantit is to you just because you are young.

All the things you stated are real and important. On the other hand , parents aren't eveil if they can't figure you out. In the new Will Smith movie there are times when Dad just pretents to listen to his son and says "get over here" That is real. It happens. Parents think we are working on survival issues.

I don't have even a tiny bit of advice. I think you have probably tried a lot different ways to deal, and the ones not chosen may not be right for you. Yo know, I hope, tht it is eseential that, above all else, not not let anything get so dramatic that itknocks you off balance into an episode. Well is very important. Not well get'[s everybody focused on your not-well-ness instead ofwhat you want.

[depressedgirl]

Thank you everyone for replying.I've been trying to do things that I used to love doing like-writing my stories,reading,and surfing the net and playing soccer,like I used to,but,it doesn't seem to help.Everything I try doesn't help.I don't know why im feeling like this,but,I am.Its christmas,so,I should be happy,but,im not.I got alot of cool presents this year,but,instead of being happy like I should be,I felt even more depressed.I just don't get it.I should be happy,but,im not.I used to be into alot of stuff like-writing stores,reading,the internet,band,i was n the soccer and cheerleading team,but,now im not into that stuff anymore.Now all I want to do is stay locked in my room and cry.And the more depressed I feel,the harder it is to stop cutting.I just don't know what I should do anymore.

sweetheart, you've got to get help. soon......okay? and keep me posted.........xoxoxo pat

[breezer]

The fact that you are not overjoyed about all of the cool "stuff" you got for xmas in COMPLETELY normal considering all that you have going on right now. Be gentle with yourself and seek out a counsellor or mentor who can help you through this very difficult time in your life. Try the hotline mentioned earlier in this thread and connect with someone you can talk to about what you are going through. What is powerful to realize is that many,many people who work these hotlines and call centers are themselves former sufferers who have conquered their problems and are as a result able to give you valuable suggestions and advice about how to get through your own situation. (& keep posting here. As I mentioned before, trapping your thoughts and feelings on the page is powerful medicine.)

You Rock. Don't you ever forget that.

May peace of mind begin to fill your days...

-Breezer

[PaulS]

Sometimes you just cannot pick yourself up and fly right. You need help. If you got hit by a car you would need help. I agree that you need help and you need it right now.

The good news is that you might only need a very little bit of help to start turning your feelings around. Direction is crucial. I'm worried that you are letting it go down for yourself.

Are you like me in that you can perk up and fake it for people so that they have no idea how down you really are? It is a very good thing to be able to rise to the occasion, but can you see that it is kind of like a lie you are telling everybody - you act okay but are really not okay?

I haven't cut myself but twice, so Idon't know much,but I know Cutting is doing something because of feelings. If yoiu can do that, mayabe once you can take the same focus of energies and put it into something that doesn't make you bleed. Hurting yourself is a vicious cycle, because youfeel bad for doing it and that takes away choices you used to feel okay about.. Cutting requires cutting experts, not you and not me and not most well-meaning people. That's why yoiu keep it secret;, because you know almost everybody would be upset and miss the facgtthat yiou are in pain.

Listen to me run on and on. It's a protective vibe. If yo don't like what we write to you, just close your eyesand say 4000 times "somebody cares" Or, if that's too hard, write it on your mirror.

My people are making me safe. I don't think you can take help if you don't feel safe but, and this is tricky, sometimes you really are safe with people who want to help you, but you can't feel it. I'm afraid that if I ask forhelp I won't be able to take my life back if I feel stronger. That's a legitimate concern with some folks, while others are willing to help you stand up then step baack tosee how you do on your own.

If you are to live, you have to find a way to take control of your life without going down thedark slide. Asking for help is lilke asking fordirections- it can put you back in control.

If I were shere you could see me, I would ask me where I could put myself so that you felt safe that I was there if you needed me, but not so close that I was going to put pressure on you. That's what people on support lines and these cht rooms are doing. As long as you arewriting to us I am encouraged to think that you are doing something to reach out and control the stuff which is ganging up on you.

I guess i could write forever and ti wouldn't pump up your baloon, but every word i write to you is excellent advice for myself that I wouldn't have put into words if itweren't for you. In that sense, you are helping me just by existing. Keep it up. I know it hurts, but i know you are strong enough to write about it.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so depressed. You have so much you are trying to deal with. It sounds overwhelming and at times like that a person might want to keep life very simple. Allow yourself to just be.

From what you say it seems like you will need to go outside of your family for help. It also sounds like you would benefit from help beyond a school counselor; however, the school counselor may be a place to start to find the help that will allow you to feel better.

Do you have a doctor who is following up with you after your hospitalization? What services were offered to you when you were discharged? Could you call the hospital for more help, on an outpatient basis?

I think you need somebody in your corner. I hope you can find a psychologist or counselor to talk to and to help you.

While you are thinking about finding help and while you are looking for help, be good to yourself with rest, healthy food, some exercise like a short walk.

Sometimes wrapping up in a blanket and resting is just what we need and it's good to give ourselves permission to do that. To just be.

Let us know how you are doing.

ECHOES

[PaulS]

People here in this cyber world care about you. Drop a word. Good for you, good for us.

[Boopers]

Just wanted to let you know that I care.





Linda

[PaulS]

It is good to see yoiu are getting such a response to your sharing. if you are like me, all th attention can be a bitoverwhelming. I invite you to take thelove you asked for, to take all of it, and to feel good. Ithink i can speak for everyon who cares that itdoes not diminish uss toreach out to you. It gives us a sense of being useful, and makes our lives better.

If you are not feelingbetter, tht's okay too. Nobody here has any unrealistic expectition tht thingsturn around like magic. just be as glad as possible for whatever thre is and itt will hellp a little bit.

[breezer]

Hello and welcome to the New Year. If you made that big move, hope you're settling in and enjoying your new surroundings. After you settle in check back in here... you're in our thoughts.

Peace to You