[geis]

I can't do this anymore. Life, in general. Anything. Everything. I just can't.


I woke up this morning and had to clean up a gross bathroom mess my roommate had left for me. I'm not the world's best housekeeper or anything, but I don't leave disgusting messes for other people to clean up.

My bank account is overdrawn, like every month. I have power and cell phone bills to pay. I still have no internet at home because I can't afford it. After the overdraft fees, I'm not sure I'm even going to have enough to pay this month's rent, let alone oil and pellets for heat. It's getting worse and worse every month.

And I'm also out of food stamps money. I don't get any more until November 8, so I don't know what I'm going to eat for the next two weeks. I guess I'll just starve myself. Clearly I don't matter enough to feed properly anyway, so why bother?

And I've been denied any therapy because, basically, I'm too crazy. All I get is a case manager who comes once a week and basically does nothing. She knows I'm desperately short on money, she knows my housing situation is messed up, and she knows I'm mentally ill. In the 9 months I've been receiving services, the only thing she's done was bring me an application for subsidized housing, but the wait list for that is literally years long. She never even asks how I'm doing emotionally, how I'm coping, or anything. Functionally, I get no support at all. I'm intensely depressed, and I have no professional support despite desperately needing it.


I didn't get the job I applied for. I got a "dear applicant" rejection email. So there goes any hope of my financial situation getting any better.

There goes any hope for anything. I have no hope left. Hope is nothing but a cruel joke. So is my life.

I just don't see any way to survive, and believe me, I have tried. I have tried and tried and tried, and now I just can't try anymore.

[blackflaggnz]

Someone once told me that when life throws you down, you must learn how to get up and clean yourself and keep going. The feeling that you are worthless is overwhelming, I know it on my own skin, but coming here and sharing your situation is an important step. Keeping for yourself is like trapping dust under a carpet. It just adds up until you will trip on the carpet and make a big mess. Speaking your mind to this huge "family" on this forum will make you feel relieved and give you the strength to start changing your life for the better. Anyone else want to cheer this troubled soul? You got a hug from me.

[Curupira]

Geis

I am sorry things are so hard. We are here for you. We may not always reply because as you know sometimes we just don't have the words because depression is an #*&#$%.

I wish you were getting better support through your case manager. I hope you get approved for the housing. When my family fell on hard times it made a big difference but waiting in limbo sucks and dealing with the system feels like a punch in the gut every time. They do have a way of making you feel like the gum on the bottom of someone's shoe instead of someone who needs some help and is reaching out.

Did you mention the food situation to your case manager? Do you have a contact number to reach this person at? Just brainstorming.

I am so sorry, that it hurts so much. Please keep writing

[geis]

My case manager knows. She just doesn't care.

I just don't know how to handle this anymore. Things have been getting progressively worse for almost a year. I've tried so hard to get help, but what little I can get is nowhere near enough. I just can't keep fighting this. I'm not sure how I'm even going to make it through the night.

[jelly-bean]

Well, since you are on a computer I can see that you have access from the library or someplace. Anyway, you might want to try looking up free food in your area. Many cities have places you can go to once a month to "shop" and get free food. It will help supplement your food stamps. I know family members who take advantage of the free food thing but they have certain criteria you have to meet in order to qualify. From the sounds of things, you should easily qualify and if will bring you a little help. I hope your city has this program. Good Luck and don't give up.....we care.

[Curupira]

Ok, if you are really worried it may be time to call a crisis line 1800 273 8255.

I have found them helpful in the past. If I am misreading your post I apologize.

I know, what it is like to struggle for help when all you want to do is curl up in a ball. I also know what it is like to hit a wall when you have nothing left to burn.

sending you lots of love and hugs

[geis]

We have a food bank in my town, but I can't get there because there's no longer a bus stop near my house. I'm disabled and can't walk all the way to the nearest bus stop. So a lot of resources are functionally inaccessible to me. I've even asked the food bank if they can provide rides, and they told me they don't do that.

I also have a ton of food allergies, so they have very few foods I can actually eat.

I can't call a crisis line because I'm at work on the phone until at least 10:00 tonight. They can't really do anything anyway. All they'll do is send the cops to drag me off to the hospital. Then I'll sit there and stare at the walls for two weeks because there's no actual treatment, and they'll try to put me on a bunch of meds that don't help, and they don't have food that's safe for me to eat without getting sicker. Then eventually they'll just dump me right back out into the same crappy situation with no help or support. What's the point of that?

[Altered Moment]

Can you apply for social security disability. Of course that takes a year and a half to get a decision usually. Go to the food bank or whatever charities give out food. Salvation Army, St. Vinnies, Catholic Charities. My mom is on the board of St. Vinnies and they pay a lot of bills for people. Electric, auto repairs, gas for the car, they give away a lot of food once a week. I am sure Mass has a LIHEAP program where the state pays for heating fuel. Catholic Charities had free counseling services. I dunno why you can't get therapy. I imagine if you are in Mass you have some type of insurance.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[geis]

I'm on disability and food stamps. I've applied for fuel assistance, but it hasn't come through. I can't access the food banks because I'm disabled and can't get transportation since my town cut bus service to my street.

I have insurance that would cover my therapy, but DMH refuses to give me therapy because I have DID and they don't have anyone in my area who knows how to deal with that. I've told them the depression is a more pressing issue than the DID and I could do therapy without talking about the DID, but apparently I'm just too crazy for them.

Believe me, I've already tried everything there is to try. There just isn't enough for me to get by. I don't matter enough.

[Curupira]

Geis

You do matter, you matter to us. I am sorry that the advice we are giving is not helping. Please understand that it is coming from a place of caring. We wish we could lift you up but we are all stuck behind our little computer screens in our little corners of the world so suggestions are the best we can do.

But if you take nothing else from this, there are a bunch of people who do not even know your actual name who care to whom you matter very much.

[Clara22]

This is totally unfair, it is incredible that you could manage so far. Systems are not helpful. What about individuals? Is there anybody that could give you a hand for some days till you find alternatives you have not visited yet?

[geis]

Curupira, thank you. That does help.

Clara, I don't really know anyone. I have friendly acquaintances through work, but no actual friends. My family is not supportive. (Well, my sisters are great, but they're 1100 miles away and don't have the financial resources to help.)

I just feel so hopeless because I feel like I've done everything I'm supposed to do, everything I'm capable of and more, but it's never enough for me to keep my head above water. I want to live. There are so many more things I want to do with my life. But how am I supposed to survive? I'm not asking for luxury or anything--I just want to be able to meet my basic needs and to have a good therapist who can help me with the depression and trauma stuff. On the one hand, I feel like those are pretty modest, reasonable things to ask for. But when I can't meet those needs no matter how hard I try, and the people and agencies who could help don't, I start to feel like I really am this terrible person, this burden on society who doesn't deserve to survive. And even when I can manage to convince myself I do deserve to survive, I can't see any way to. I just want to be able to have a manageable life.

Hi...I don't know if this helps

Help for Communities & Families | Office of Community Services | Administration for Children and Families

I am sure you have looked into it, but just in case...

I know also that there's a program that will give you a cell phone and some minutes if you qualify.

Is it possible to request a new case manager?

Not only do you deserve to survive, but you deserve to be happy. I know it's a struggle, especially when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I know you say you don't really know anyone, but I have found people to be actually more than willing to help, if you're willing to ask.

Keep going, one foot in front of the other.

[geis]

Yeah, I'm already receiving (or am currently waiting to hear from) every assistance program that's available to me. I live in a progressive state, but there still aren't enough resources. A huge part of the problem for me is lack of transportation. A few months ago, my local transit authority eliminated the bus stop closest to my house. It's over a mile walk on a busy highway with no sidewalk or shoulder, and I have a physical disability that makes it impossible for me to walk that distance even if it were a safe walking route. My city councilor is looking into it on my behalf, but he is getting stonewalled too. (There are two counties and multiple towns served by the same transit authority, so my city council doesn't have sole control over it.)

I've tried to request a new case manager, but they have so many clients and so few staff that I was told it's not going to happen. I also don't have faith that a new one would be any better. This agency is well-known for providing terrible services to consumers--for instance, their case managers aren't even required to have any education beyond a high school diploma, so these aren't even social workers or people who have any education in psychology. Even some of their employees say that the quality of services is terrible. It would be better if I could afford to move to a different catchment area, but there's no way I could afford it.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I've tried so hard but still can't meet my basic needs. I've been having a panicky breakdown all day long, but I can't afford to do that because I'm at work and can't let anyone see me fall apart. Everybody's counting on me to do all this stuff, but I have no one to count on to help me. I just can't keep going like this, but there just aren't any resources left to try.

[geis]

I just tried three different hotlines and none of them picked up. I know I shouldn't take it personally, but I can't help it. It feels like even the last-ditch effort people I turn to for help don't think I'm worth it.

Oh, and I accidentally burned the last food I had in the house. And there's no money for more.

[geis]

I mean, what am I supposed to do? I need help, and even the people you turn to when you have literally no one else to call are picking up for me?

How much more am I expected to do? How much harder am I supposed to try?

Sorry for spamming but I literally have nowhere else to turn at this point.

[catastrophic]

Huge big hugs.. Please keep reaching out and don't apologise xox

How are you doing right now?

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[geis]

Not any better. And I have to work 14+ hours. Not sure ifI can do this any more.

[Curupira]

I am sorry it is not any better, but I am glad you are still hanging in there. I really have had those times (days, weeks, even months) where I am fighting to cling to mental health and every door just keeps shutting in my face. Trying to find a pdoc and and therapist every time I move is unnecessarily painful and I always get to walk the fine line of will I have enough meds to last till I can see a new doc. And I have also had the desire to just throw in the towel because obviously I do not matter enough.

It hurts, it sucks, it feels like you are dragging yourself across a desert of broken glass towards and oasis only to find more suck.

It won't always suck, keep fighting, it feel counter intuitive, but eventually you will get get a hold of a resource, a person, real help, and things will begin to suck less.

[Curupira]

I was in the shower and just thought of this

https://www.superbetter.com/

It is a real life video game. I used it as part of my surgery recovery and as part of my on going depression issues. The idea being that you create a personal profile with what you are fighting and what limitations you have and it teaches you self care. But like a classic video game you get points for completing quests and defeating enemies (both real life tasks tailored to you) and you level up. And the best part it is free and you can use it only when you need it.

It was designed by a woman coping who is both a game designer who also copes with depression

[Altered Moment]

Geis you are working 14 hours a day for free for someone else's benefit. I think that is great but you have immediate needs. Can you talk to your boss and tell them you just can't handle that work load and that you need some immediate help. Half of that time and energy could be devoted to taking care of yourself. Is there someone on the campaign who could help you get some food at a food bank. Call the local charities and see how they might be able to help. I know it is election crunch time but I am sure someone would be willing to help.

[geis]

I think I'd do even worse sitting home alone with nothing but all my bad thoughts. At least when I'm at work I can't do anything self-destructive, beyond sleep deprivation and too much caffeine. At home, right now, that's a huge risk.

I've called the food bank. They don't provide rides. All they did was tell me they're on a bus route. But since I can't get to or from my house on the bus, that's no help to me whatsoever.

I just live in a small town in a mostly rural area, so there are just not adequate social services.

[Curupira]

Stupid inadequate social services. And I am guessing no meals on wheels options either right?

[lock16mm]

Hi geis, it sounds to me like you've got good reason to be angry and depressed. It's good that you can talk about it and not keep it all inside your head. Like someone said above, work on one problem at a time, step by step. Don't try to solve everything in one go.
Hope that helps a tiny bit.

[geis]

You only qualify for Meals on Wheels if you're 60+, at least in my state. There doesn't seem to be any allowance for younger people with disabilities. It would be nice, though, because a lot of the time I'm literally not even capable of standing up long enough to boil pasta. I've collapsed in my kitchen more than once.