I am broken, need to talk

Sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time. The part about your best friend and girlfriend is crazy. I can't imagine how betrayed you must feel about that.

I did want to mention what I see in this particular post. You feel like you are an unattractive person, and it sounds like because you believe that you try to make up for it by showing this girl how confident and positive you are. It's almost like you put on a mask because you don't want this girl to see how unattractive you think you are. And on some level, I'm willing to bet that the people you date can sense that. We can always tell when what someone is thinking isn't matching what they are doing. That can cause us to be a little untrusting and wary, because we'll think they are trying to hide something (which always makes us think the worst).

I hate to say "be yourself" because it's so cliche, but I think the key is being authentic. You don't have to always be positive and confident.

>The right one will love, accept, and appreciate you for being you!
This new girl is seems like right one.

>Those who walk out of our lives were never meant to be there to begin with.
I don't think that anybody "meant" for anybody. Its just a matter of circumstances. And i hate myself for failing with the new girl.

>I have to ask if you know, what "characteristic flaws" you think you are hiding?
Lack of self-esteem, bitterness, negative thinking, lack of ambitions, lazyness, social anxiety, lack of humor, jealousy and many other things.

>What is it that you hate about yourself. Was this feeling there before you lost your gf and friend?
Yes, but not so strong as now. At some point i admitted this feeling to them and i regret it.

>You have to be open, honest with yourself and others.
As i said, i didn't lie to her about anything.

>You may be rushing into another relationship to get over the hurt of a past one.
Yes, i do. But this girl is really worth it. I am too devastated for my failure to impress her.

>Most people just have a pretty good sense of how they feel after a first date. It isn't all about you and what you think you should have done or not done.
I want to know what she feels. I want to know what my mistake was in particular. I want to know if there any hope. The problem is - i like her very-very much. Not like putting her on pedestal, she has flaws too. But she also has almost everything i like in girls. I dont want to lose her. Its highly unlikely that i ll ever find girl with whom i have so much in common. She didn't respond to my message 3 days already, so i sent another, very short one, trying to not look needy or desperate, just want to get any response from her. I want to get something from her so much. Maybe i should call her number? But most definitely, she just wont pick up the phone and i would feel even worse than now.

>You must learn to love and accept yourself before you can give your love to someone else.
Its impossible at the moment, when all the people, old and new ones, keep abandoning you. The most part that hurt me right now - she does exactly the same thing that my ex did before i got to know whats going on. She didn't respond for my messages more than 2 weeks. I feel like the story is repeating. Why am i doomed to be treated like that? It feels so bad, tears appearing in my eyes again.

>I remember you said you don't have friends. I know it hurts. I was isolated with no friends for years.
Well, i have one friend and two buddies i play games with, but we get to meet very seldom and when we do i can't talk about my problems with them since it would drove them away.

>Do you have any family close by?
All of my family members are sick and tired hearing my whining. My mother got health problems already because of me.

>Can you get out and join some kind of social activity while you are studying?
Not really.

>I can't imagine how betrayed you must feel about that.
Thanks for trying. Its pretty bad, believe me.

> I'm willing to bet that the people you date can sense that.
I don't think its what drove her away. Anyone trying to be better on the first date, its not a crime. I think it something else, but i don't know what. Maybe because i didn't kiss her or let her pay for her ticket in zoo. Maybe i wasnt funny enough. I don't know what exactly it was.

>You don't have to always be positive and confident.
With women you have to. If i was always positive and confident, i would be still be with my ex and have a friend, thats for sure, im certain of it for 100%.

Okay, im having another stupid breakdown. Sitting alone in my dark empty office, crying for 15 minutes because radio played this song we used to listen with my ex. I hate my life so much.

I'm sorry to hear this happens to you. But don't give up, you sound like a strong person.

Thanks for cheering up, but im very weak. Would a strong person create a whining thread here? Would a strong male have a crying breakdown? Not really, its pathetic. Every time i try to be strong it doesn't work out.

Wow, you have a very good sense of yourself and how relationships work.
I know you are hurting.
I was so depressed because I tried so damn hard to make a marriage work, and he was cheating and abusive. It hurts to love someone. Damn hurts to be betrayed. I hear you.
Can you call her, and ask her straight out "Are you interested in seeing me again, I really enjoyed my time with you. Is there anything that I did or didn't do, that you would like to have been different on our date?" Just an example, and just trying to help you. Because you may have another hurt coming to get over, and you might as well get the answers.
Just my idea, I'm no expert on relationships, that is for sure.

Yes, a strong person also reaches out for help. A weak person might just decide to give up or get angry about everything.
It is not whining, it is a good thing to release your emotions. Honestly, I think men have been overly "trained" not to cry or release their anger. Men get hurt just as much as women, and you are not weak.

>Wow, you have a very good sense of yourself and how relationships work.
Lol, no, i don't. If i had good sense of how relationships work i would not be dumped by two people at once.

>Damn hurts to be betrayed. I hear you.
Thanks.

>Can you call her, and ask her straight out "Are you interested in seeing me?
I know this wont work. It would just make me look attached and desperate. For now im sending her vague messages about the stuff she might be interested too.

>may have another hurt coming
Yeah, my life is one big hurt right now.

>A weak person might just decide to give up or get angry about everything.
Thats how my life looks right now. Im trying to do distracting things and meet people, but nothing works. Im about to give up completely. And anger is always with me.

>It is not whining, it is a good thing to release your emotions. Honestly, I think men have been overly "trained" not to cry or release their anger. Men get hurt just as much as women, and you are not weak.
No strong man would cry so much at my place. I know for sure that strong men cry only for very serious reasons, like the death of the family members. Hell, a strong man would not even be in my place, he wouldnt let the things get out of control. And women get attached to strong men themselves so they are afraid to leave them. Thats not my case. And it so damn hard to feel like my ex-friend is better than me in every way.

Right now i find it very hard to shake humiliatiing and painful memories of my mind. How they talked to each other in flitry way and i thought they just were friendly and it was normal. Oh, im such an idiot. Also, i feel like i miss them and hate them at the same time. How is it possible?

It is possible to miss someone and "hate" them at the same time. I think it is just you're hurting, and it will take time to get over.
There is different things coming. Give yourself time to heal. I hope you can see a therapist somehow to get professional help.
The only way to shake the humiliating and painful memories is to let them be, you can't push them away, in my opinion.
I hope things get better and you don't give up.

Im stuck with incredibly strong regret and self-blame. I remember exactly what i did what made her lose respect and feelings for me. I feel so disgusted by my actions. I left them alone for 30 minutes one time and let him buy her very expensive present because she asked it. Still cant forgive myself for it. Sex with me was so bad for her, i couldnt last more than 8 minutes, so she wasnt satisfied. I said so stupid and pathetic words to her, still cant believe how i could say it. Like my life is empty and boring without her. Like i dont like my life in general and she is my only hope. How could i be such blind and dumb idiot? Any girl would dump boy if he starts behave like i did. Now i see that everything that happened is my fault only. How to live with this? I cant take it anymore. Im out of money and cant afford any more therapy.

May I ask your age mefisto.

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I am 22 at the moment. But i feel like 10 years old. I cry at least once in a week, often more. I do it alone though, when nobody sees me. But still i feel like i lost control over myself.
Additional info: i was 19 when i met ex-gf and i was 7 when i met ex-friend.
Why do you ask about my age?

One of the things you have to realize is that when relationships end, it's truly not anybody's fault. Relationships end because there is a conflict between who you are and who the other person is, and that conflict ends up being unresolvable. Because of this inability to reconcile whatever conflict that exists, the relationship goes through phases where the cracks begin to weaken and come apart. This conflict causes people to do things that we eventually look back on and regret. We try to assign blame, but the real blame is the incompatibility that exists between you.

There's no shame in being unable to reconcile an incompatibility. Very few people that you date will be a good match for you. Everyone else will be a series of failed matches, some spanning months and years and others fail rather quickly (such as the first date, for instance).

What is important is that you look at your reactions to these failed relationships and find your insecurities. It's very clear you have insecurities surrounding girls. You worry so much about making them like you that you forget to even ask yourself if you like them. This need to please (such as your mentioning the sex) indicates a whole host of things you believe about yourself that, if you have the courage to look at them, could open you up to growth and change. You can find your confidence again, but it requires you to give yourself permission for a time to be insecure.

And for the record, most women don't care how long you last during sex. What matters to women is the total experience, not just the amount of time you had yourself inside of her. If you can't last long in that regard, you can add to the experience by giving her oral pleasure, kissing her neck, etc. Most guys, I think, get so worried about the actual sex part that they forget that most women enjoy the overall sexual experience. So, don't sweat it.

Cuz your still a young man. I know that doesn't make you feel better but it leaves plenty of time to get better.
Was she your first girlfriend?

A little report about my current condition. I can' take it anymore. All my efforts i put to gain control on my mind were useless. There is so big cloud of darkest emotions that are killing me. I still cry almost every day like a little girl. When i don't feel like crying, im starting to feel the incredibly strong anger and hate. I hate myself, i hate my life, i hate my ex, i hate my ex-friend, i hate this ******* rotten world so much i don't want to live anymore. But somehow i fear death more than i hate life. Its all this stupid biological programming. If a person, such as myself, hate his life so much he should end it. But im afraid of death and its pathetic. I don't value a life for the fact itself. I don't know if its possible to crawl out of this and enjoy living once again. I can feel this deep and painful scar on my soul literally. Its sitting in my chest area and it wont ever go away. Also, on my way from work and studies i see a lot of beautiful girls in public transport and its so painful to look at them. I feel so angry and frustrated because i see my ex in every pretty face. Today i had a chance to approach one of them and i didn't do it. I thought "man just look at yourself, you are complete depressive disaster, why the hell she would make out with you?". And after she disappear in the dark, there was bitter feeling of ultimate disappointment in myself. If only i could sit in my home and never go out again. Those girls are everywhere and i don't want to see their existence.

Yes, she was and probably will be the last.

First and foremost, we don't control life. Things happen. We suffer, we get hurt, we have to move on eventually. Hurt can take a long time to heal.
But to be angry is only hurting yourself. It is causing you to have a skewed view of the world around you.
Forgiveness has to come.
It does start in your mind, but your body is also connected with it. I'm not a therapist, I can't give great advice. It took me years to evolve into a better human being that isn't self centered and only thinking about my own hurts and problems.
Even my love was self centered.
Love is not jealous, love is kind. We suffer when bad things happen. Bad things happen to good people every day. Does that mean we should curl up in a ball and give up?
Many people feel hurt, pain, emotional and physical every day. But they are choosing to not lose hope, to see the beauty in the world, not the cruelness and ugliness.
If we focus on the negative all day, our minds will be filled with the garbage that you see around you.
After 6 or more months with a counselor, I realized it is me that has to do the work. It is good to talk as much as you need to, but there comes a time to realize that you are here, in this moment, not in the past or future. All you can control is your reactions. When an angry thought comes into your mind, place a stop sign there. Think, is this thought helping me or hurting me, what is it trying to tell me. Look at the bigger picture.
There is a balance and right now, the scale seems to be weighing down in the unhelpful painful feelings. You need to find ways now that tip the scale back into a bearable way of managing your feelings.
Start with small things, like a short walk when you feel this way. Favourite music, foods, anything that comforts you.
If you keep your mind on your own health and well being, you will keep the hurtful feelings away, at least long enough to train your brain to think somewhat differently, a little step at a time.

Thank you for the input. Recently i saw my mother in her room, she was sitting on her kness, loudly crying and holding the christian icon, praying for the cure of her sons depression. That was a heavy feeling. I apologized to her for being such a failure son. She said that i put myself in so strong depression that i probably wont be able to escape from it without medication. She offered to start taking zoloft once again. I really don't want to do that. The side effects were truly awful. And there was not much positive effect either. But she is probably right that i wont be able to escape from this condition all by myself. I don't trust SSRI pills anymore. Don't know what to do.

You are not a failure. You are hurting. I'm glad your mother is trying to help you. So you have tried zoloft. I have tried many types of antidepressants. Just telling you my own experience. Some did help enough to lift me out of the depression for a while. It wasn't meant to be long term solution for me.
Side effects are awful in my opinion, but sometimes it will take about 4 weeks or longer for your body to accept the medication. It is an option. So is what your mother is trying to help you with. I can see that being a heavy feeling. Been there. Been blamed, still don't know what to think. I know I have had to forgive myself and ask for forgiveness, and move on despite my failures

I cant take it anymore. Woke in tears from the horrible nightmare, in which my ex-friend bullied me and laughed with my ex about what a dork i am. I tried to get revenge on him, but he put me in prison. How to prevent nightmares? They are killing me. Will they haunt me all my life? I wont be able to cope with them.

I have read through your thread. I feel for you I really do. I fell in love with a girl 18 months ago. I won't talk about the details but it still hurts. My heart is broken and it bleeds. I saw her today and it hurt like hell. I hope your pain improves. I have found mine has not.

I hope your will improve too! Did you try meeting other girls for these 18 months? Its bad that you had to see her, at least i probably wont see her ever again because we live so far from each other. But my ex-friend lives in house that stands 200-meters from my house and i see his house everyday from my window. Its possible that someday i will meet on the streets, but i really hope this wont happen. If i will see him i don't know if i would be able to control myself. Maybe i would beat him very hard and send him to the hospital. Then i would end up in police station and have a criminal record. I hope we wont see each other again so that would not happen. Also, have you problems with nightmares like i do?

I saw her from a distance and I am not sure if she saw me. I just don't feel I can recover I literally would die for this girl. I dont get nightmares. There has been a bit with women but nothing of any significance. I get a fair bit of looking from females.

What is so special about her that you would die for her? I thought my ex was special too, but after her final actions towards me, i would not shake my finger for her. Maybe you should change your view towards her? Also, you are in better position than me, if you get fair bit of looking from females. I don't get any and im very sad because of it. I suggest you to have a little fun with ladies since its so easy for you.

They look but that is all. They don't trust strangers and I can't change that. Maybe the girls here can explain why I just dont know. Maybe they prefer to complain they can't find a man than take a chance with me. I can be extrememly bold will go right up and ask them out and i am not that bothered by rejection. I am 90kg with muscle you can see my abs this is from 10 hours of weight training a week. I am good conversation not dumb at all. What was so special? Words can't describe that.

Hi Mefisto,

I'm going to suggest a way for you to think about your situation. As painful as it is for you now, I think that there may be a big hidden important opportunity for you here.

You have described what happened with your ex-girlfriend and your ex-friend. You have explained how you feel about it. I really understand this and I think that many people can get where you're coming from. It's probably quite true that every time you think of these two people, you have horrible feelings and, so, it is quite natural to think that these two people and what happened is the CAUSE of your feelings. Now, I believe your description and I suspect that you have thought through the whole story in great detail, right? What I want to suggest is that if you did this once and had horrible feelings once, it would not really be a problem. The real problem is that these thoughts and feeling keep re-occurring again and again and again and again and again and again, seemingly no matter what you do. In fact, I think that the fundamental problem doesn't even have anything to do with your two ex-friends or with your particular thoughts and feelings about what happened. I think that your fundamental problem is that thoughts and feelings in general come to you in an uncontrolled unconscious manner. This, I believe is very close to the true core mechanism of depression. Have a look at this and see if it makes sense to you

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

There is an easy suggestion about what to do about it which is simple to try and is even fun. It really works too. This really worked wonders for me and you'll see in the thread that this makes sense to others also.

If you handle things right, I think you might be able to use your experience to break the spell and escape from depression into a wonderful new life!

- vital