[H-H-H-H]

[TheLastChapter]

Been alright for a while. Made a decision to quit my birth control due to reading an article on how it can affect your mood. It sounded exactly like what I am experiencing. However, once i finally felt like things were going to be fine we got the news. Two sisters I knew got into a car accident and died along with one of their boyfriends while the other was in intensive care. After that school started back up. And then my mother left for a wedding in Japan. Which it always isnt to bad when she is gone, since I am in college, there is just so much going on in my life that it is hard to deal with no one being here anymore. And with that my boyfriend left for univerisity also. All of this happened withing 3 days. Then I had a week of school before the funerals. It is the hardest thing to think about. Two girls, still in high school. It just has been such a bad week. I feel so alone in it all. I really need to get on here more often, because when I do, i just feel so much better.

[justwalking]

Go on call tomorrow at work. Will be on call for 7 day's. I really dislike it due to the management scheduling new installs after hours. But not dwelling on that.
My mood is at a neutral state. Just kinda here.
I have set a goal for myself to study and learn electronics. I used to be such a natural with technology. My hope is that the electronics will awaken that in me again.

Smiles and happiness to everyone!

[Rose76]

Here is a drawing I found on the Net. It's just how I feel a lot of the time.

[Clara22]

excellent drawing

[regretful]

Anti-depressant weight gain...stinks...

Well, my mood is back up to where it was a couple of days ago. Frustrated, though, because I think I'm in a mild fibromyalgia flare. Hope it doesn't get in the way of my training for this relay race. It's not as bad today as it was yesterday. Yesterday I was just exhausted both physically and mentally. Today energy and head are better, just sore.

Applied for a job online that I would really like - - a compliance analyst at a huge managed healthcare place in town. Continue to play the waiting game for hearing back from places I've sent my resume.

Also, facebook is not working right on my iphone. I'm kind of addicted to facebook so this is a problem for me at night when I'm downstairs watching t.v.! Since I spent so much time on the phone, feeling frustrated, getting my iphone software updated with Apple support people, I just don't have it in me to sit on the phone with anyone again any time soon.

[herethennow]

------------------------------- TRIGGER WARNING --------------------------------

one of the days where i'm just down, and i don't know whether i can hold myself back.
i cant stop the running thoughts of self hate... self blame...
thought i could continue crisis recovery alone at home.
guess not.

god i don't want to go back to the hospital again.

Originally Posted by herethennow

------------------------------- TRIGGER WARNING --------------------------------

one of the days where i'm just down, and i don't know whether i can hold myself back.
i cant stop the running thoughts of self hate... self blame...
thought i could continue crisis recovery alone at home.
guess not.

god i don't want to go back to the hospital again.

Hang in there herethenow. Keep in close contact with us.

depressed and sad.

the end..

I feel terrible and miserable and lonely today.

[Bark]

Feeling nauseous. Dunno why. Won't throw up even if it makes me feel better. I loathe the feeling.

Not the first time I feel randomly nauseous. Stress? But today was a good day. Hungry? I ate, then after I finished I felt nauseous again. Now I can't even look at food. I think it will go away though. Not that severe; I think I have meds if it gets worse. But for now it's tolerable.

Saw a friend of mine I haven't seen in ages today, and saw people I knew that I thought I'd never see again (pure luck honestly). Good day.

I feel weaker and weaker every day. It's like my energy being sucked out of me through a straw - slowly, but every day a little more goes down and a little more. I have no energy. Even if I get a good night's rest, it doesn't make a difference because I never feel like it. On top of this I have these frequent headaches. Depression has also really dulled me down mentally - my capacity to think and process isn't what it used to be. And it just gets worse. I wake up in the morning and think, with dread, Another day... At this point, no, I really can't see myself going out and getting a job in the spring, or going back to school. Not when I feel like this.Can't see me doing anything in the future. Now, with this ice storm having dumped it's crap on us, it's become impossible to get help for myself. I'll think about certain things and burst into tears. I feel big and clumsy, I hate the sound of my voice, I hate being me and being trapped in this body, this house, this life. What's worse, nobody notices - or rather, they notice, but they either think it's an act or they don't care. I know it has to be obvious that I am not well, because I never smile or laugh and I just feel as though my whole facial expression is pain. But no one asks me if I'm okay or how I'm feeling. Only people I really see are my parents and they are oblivious. I think they think if they pretend not to see it then it will go away. It won't. I wish it would. Geez, I am sorry for the big long winded post, you guys. I'm so depressed I can't even write poems anymore, the only thing that's helped me in the past. Can't stick to my journal writing either. I think, what's the point if we all die anyway. I have no illusions, I know my writing will never be published or 'big'. It probably will never even make it out of this house. Like me. I'm sorry for this rant, you guys. This is the worst I've ever felt. I thought I felt bad before - hah! I didn't know what 'bad' was...

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

I feel weaker and weaker every day. It's like my energy being sucked out of me through a straw - slowly, but every day a little more goes down and a little more. I have no energy. Even if I get a good night's rest, it doesn't make a difference because I never feel like it. On top of this I have these frequent headaches. Depression has also really dulled me down mentally - my capacity to think and process isn't what it used to be. And it just gets worse. I wake up in the morning and think, with dread, Another day... At this point, no, I really can't see myself going out and getting a job in the spring, or going back to school. Not when I feel like this.Can't see me doing anything in the future. Now, with this ice storm having dumped it's crap on us, it's become impossible to get help for myself. I'll think about certain things and burst into tears. I feel big and clumsy, I hate the sound of my voice, I hate being me and being trapped in this body, this house, this life. What's worse, nobody notices - or rather, they notice, but they either think it's an act or they don't care. I know it has to be obvious that I am not well, because I never smile or laugh and I just feel as though my whole facial expression is pain. But no one asks me if I'm okay or how I'm feeling. Only people I really see are my parents and they are oblivious. I think they think if they pretend not to see it then it will go away. It won't. I wish it would. Geez, I am sorry for the big long winded post, you guys. I'm so depressed I can't even write poems anymore, the only thing that's helped me in the past. Can't stick to my journal writing either. I think, what's the point if we all die anyway. I have no illusions, I know my writing will never be published of 'big'. It probably will never even make it out of this house. Like me. I'm sorry for this rant, you guys. This is the worst I've ever felt. I thought I felt bad before - hah! I didn't know what 'bad' was...

Please, don't be sorry, this is our place to say whatever we need to say. In my experience, perhaps your depression is getting worse, could you call anyone?

Originally Posted by Clara22

Please, don't be sorry, this is our place to say whatever we need to say. In my experience, perhaps your depression is getting worse, could you call anyone?

Thank you, Clara... It's a bad habit of mine to feel bad and apologize for things I shouldn't be sorry for. The people here on PC are really the only ones who support me. I don't really have anyone I could call...

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Thank you, Clara... It's a bad habit of mine to feel bad and apologize for things I shouldn't be sorry for. The people here on PC are really the only ones who support me. I don't really have anyone I could call...

If you told your mom you don't feel well, would she bring you to the family doctor? Maybe you can talk to her/him about your depression. Maybe you need treatment

Originally Posted by Clara22

If you tell your mom you don't feel well, would she bring you to the family doctor? Maybe you can talk to her/him about your depression. Maybe you need treatment

Probably not...she knows I have depression, but she doesn't know it's this bad. I'll tell her. I know I need treatment, but I don't know if that's really an option right now...

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Probably not...she knows I have depression, but she doesn't know it's this bad. I'll tell her. I know I need treatment, but I don't know if that's really an option right now...

I felt like you last year. I start receiving treatment 3 months ago and now I feel better. Also, i lost a lot of weight ( around 25 kgs)which is very good for my health.

Originally Posted by Clara22

I felt like you last year. I start receiving treatment 3 months ago and now I feel better. Also, i lost a lot of weight ( around 25 kgs)which is very good for my health.

I will consider treatment...I'm just saying it may not be possible for me right now.

[Turtlesoup]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Probably not...she knows I have depression, but she doesn't know it's this bad. I'll tell her. I know I need treatment, but I don't know if that's really an option right now...

I read on your about me page that you are just a lonely dreamer-I want to share this:
"Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one."-John Lennon
"The dreamers are the saviors of the world.”—James Allen, writer
Albert Einstein ascribed the theory of relativity to a dream he had as a young boy.
"Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world."-Harriet Tubman
Shypoetgirl I have been down in that dark hole & you can get better-if your parents are unable or unwilling to help you please call your county mental health helpline-they can assist you with getting insurance if you lack it & finding tdoc/pdoc & support groups in your area. I feel there are precious few dreamers in the world & yes we do need you please keep posting & letting us know how you are.

[angelene]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

I will consider treatment...I'm just saying it may not be possible for me right now.

That sucks for obvious reasons.
For your writer's block: have you ever done freewriting? It's writing whatever pops into your head, even if it doesn't make sense... You don't have to pay attention to punctuation, grammar or any other rules. You just let whatever it is come out, even if you find yourself typing/writing blah blah blah blah blah or nothing nothing nothing, or even transcribing something you are overhearing.
You might find some interesting stuff comes out. Or it will be total random, unusable nonsense. Either way you're still writing and that can make you feel a bit better.

[Rose76]

I keep avoiding doing the stuff I need to get done. I've got to pull out of this apathy.

[angelene]

I feel defeated. It stems from my rheumatologist's office staff. It deserves its own thread but I just don't have the energy to get into it.

[Clara22]

Originally Posted by angelene

I feel defeated. It stems from my rheumatologist's office staff. It deserves its own thread but I just don't have the energy to get into it.

Hope you can vent tomorrow because it may help

[TheOriginalMe]

I should be asleep by now, it seems I am distracting myself by staying online to a poin that damages my health. I feel awful, so I choose to make myself worse through sleep deprivation. Not exactly si but harmful and destructive nonetheless.