Weird guilt

I felt weak and cowardly when I realized how difficult it actually is to commit suicide. Now I feel conflicted because I used to think I really wanted to die but have to realize I would have never had the guts to do through with anything.

i really dont think it has anything to do with courage so dont see yourself as cowardly. i wanted to die since i was five. i was suicidal for thirty years. i tried a couple of times. i made plans on many occasions. but i am still here. i think what it is, is that we all have a survival instinct built within us. back in the caveman days, it was fight or flight. it is part of our make up to do what ever it takes to live. so while we may be taking actions to die, another part of our brain is doing everything in its power to keep us alive. it is just how we are programmed.

Hi kray bray may, In my eyes that just said that you wanted to live, obviously that doesn't just flick a "happy" switch and maybe the depression is still there, but you wanted to live. And wanting to live is not "weak", is not "cowardly".
And now........well it's good that you're still around, so as now hopefully some more support with the depression, or what led you to those thoughts, might help you through what you've been finding so hard.
And you know you've found a great place to come for understanding, advise, support...........so hang with us, yes?? Things can get better.
And anytime you want to talk..............

Alison

Regarding support, it doesn't truly help. I don't really find any help from talking with people. I generally reach out to my friends when I'm feeling down but it just doesn't really help

Hi kray bray may, do you think maybe you haven't been getting the "right" support??
If some of that has come from your friends, friends aren't always the best people in that situation........some might not truly understand depression (not everyone does), others (as friends) might try to "downplay" things, might just want to just make it "better" or try to "argue/rationalise you out of it" instead of first listening/understanding, some might be a bit scared to really talk to you about it..........you know that kind of thing?????
So maybe support from somewhere else, like here or even a hotline if things are feeling really bad???
I mean the right meds would probably help, but other things first (unless things are seriously hard!!) hey??
And you may pick up some things on here about what has helped other people as well, not saying the same things will help everyone but.............

Alison

Feeling really lonely today

Hi kray bray may, sorry I missed you yesterday
Just wondering if you've tried the chat rooms on here, there are usually people in there and they can be really supportive in there from what I've heard.........??
Hoping things are a bit better today though............???

Alison

You mean the chat bar at the bottom? Says there is no one online for me
Yes, things are a bit better but I got five hours of sleep last night so I'm still rocky

Hi kray bray may, glad you're a bit better
But depression can be tiring enough without not much sleep, so just get what rest you can, hey??
Re: the chat..........there's a chat function right up at the top of the page, along from the headings "Forums", "Social Groups", "Blogs"...........so if ever you're wanting to talk and there's not many/any people replying you could always drop by there.
Although that's not to discourage you from posting here or in the forums as well!!!
Alison

Can't get bad memories out of my head

I don't want to feel this way

Hi kray bray may, I'm sorry you're still struggling
It sounds like you've had some real difficult things to try to cope with, do you think you could share some of what you've been through??
Maybe we could help............

Alison

I am having difficulty coping with recurring thoughts and emotions

Hi kray bray may, and those thoughts and emotions are following on from things that have happened to you??
You know, it can be "normal" to have real persistent "thoughts/emotions" which can go on for a long time after "traumatic events" but support can make a difference.
Unless you want to talk here about things that have happened..........and we're here for you (!!)...........there are hotlines/chat lines that can deal with specific issues/experiences if you take a look around..........

Alison

Some of the specific things troubling me are the memory of the time I ended up at the hospital twice in one week due to alcohol poisoning late last year; also keep remembering my perceived failures from my previous relationships; crappy body image; poor communication with my father; lack of motivation

Hi kray bray may, I'm sure you feel like you've got so much weighing you down right now, I'm sorry
And although maybe a lot of those things impact on the others it may be more helpful to separate them??
The first thing........the alcohol poisoning........could that have kind of resulted from drinking from a need to escape the things going on for you, or kind of self-medicating, or even not caring what happened to you because of.......???
And you can use it as an indicator that you need help, and with help you can move on from that/this period. And if alcohol is still a problem there is plenty of support with that, if it is???
As for the other things.......LOVE the fact you used "perceived" there!!!
Because it is SO easy to see things in black-and-white when you're down on yourself e.g. it was my fault, I am ugly, I failed...........so while I'm sure things are really hurting, that is seriously really powerful, hold onto it!!!
So yes, previous relationships..........maybe the wrong relationships for you or for you at the time, maybe a bit more equal fault in the relationships, and maybe some lessons learnt whereas you've got something to work with to make future relationships so much better.
And seriously DO NOT "beat yourself up" about some failed relationships in your life, OK?? They can/do happen, it's more in how you move on.........and you can with the right support and the right relationship in the future.
But you being you is much more important than relationships right now, and getting the help you need to overcome some of the difficulties you're having.
The body image.......well that may be something that may take a bit (a lot?) of work, that can be real tough, but it can be improved!! We can talk about that as well. And you know with some help with the depression that might be part of the work done for you anyway. Depression can leave you feeling SO negatively about yourself so if that eases a bit...........
Poor communication with your father.........details would help a little there........maybe it's something that could be resolved over time with changes in communication, maybe it's more about adjusting to those "doors being closed", learning to try to accept that and live your life for you including focusing on or finding more supportive people in your life.............I don't know, what do you think???
And lack of motivation.......I'm not surprised with everything going on for you
But that's maybe something you could work on now.............trying to push yourself little by little...........one step at a time...........or maybe a start would be by seeing a doctor or a T if possible...........
Just some thoughts though..............so come back at me with any details or if anything I'm saying isn't fitting or making sense.............

Alison

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i like being drunk

i jus wish it was easy to commit suicide

Thank you Alison. To give you a bit of background, I am a second year undergraduate student. My goal is to work at a major newspaper or media outlet. Currently I'm employed as an editor at my campus newspaper.

Some of the things worrying me are that I am not networking enough, not doing enough for the paper, not trying hard enough in my classes or at my job. I have pretty rough anxiety over assignments as well.

I went to see a therapist last year in May and attended semi-regularly up until November. I remember being really uncomfortable talking with him about the anger I felt at my then partner.

Hi kray bray may, first of all really good on you in taking the steps you have towards your dream career!!
And the things worrying you.......not to undersell the worry at all, but that/some worry is a real positive sign.......it shows that you're driven, and that can help you no end.
But the "not doing enough", the "not trying hard enough"..........you're putting a lot of pressure in your corner there........no reason others shouldn't be helping, that's what some of them are there for.........talk to people on the paper, ask them for ideas, discuss........it might boost their interest and boost/refresh some of that passion/that drive for you too.
And if it does turn out to be too much with the studying as well........then you can always look at taking a different position on the paper at some point..........that goal of yours doesn't have to be achieved in the next year, two years, five years..........it really doesn't!! And there is going to be plenty of time to change that IF needed/IF you want to.
And the classes........the assignments..........maybe you could talk to your tutor for some support?? Maybe you could look at a studying "programme" that suits you better e.g. when, how, where you're going to study/do assignments..........and things to help with that e.g. relaxing or stimulating activities to help you with that..........and things you can do to alleviate some of that anxiety.............??
And the therapist.........it's really good you gave that a try
And you know, talking about really personal things with "a stranger" can sometimes be very uncomfortable to start with/for a while until you get that relationship going with them, if they're the right T for you
So well done on giving it a try.........just try not to let that experience put you off hooking up with a T if you need to..........sometimes given time, given the right T it can help a lot.

Alison

I realize everyone has a different experience with their therapist(s), but is there sort of a general picture as to what a good therapist is like?

Some worry is indeed good; I am very concerned as to my future - where I will be working for instance. It's not that I am extremely apathetic. Excessive anxiety actually makes it very difficult to function.

I'm okay with taking a little longer to complete my degree - that's not a concern. My workload at school isn't very heavy, but I still experience considerable anxiety.

I feel that I should be doing more but can't quite summon the motivation. Then I feel conflicted about feeling weak, anxious and tired because I didn't actually expend any effort.

I'm not sure if I am actually stressed and anxious or if I'm complaining for no reason and I should be working harder to accomplish more to not feel weak and inferior.

Hi kray bray may,

I realize everyone has a different experience with their therapist(s), but is there sort of a general picture as to what a good therapist is like?
Well I'd say "a good therapist" will depend on your needs and what you want from them, different people do need different therapists with different skills but ultimately there's that all important "human" element as well............whether you personally can gradually feel a connection with them, whether you can learn to trust them/feel safe with them, feel both supported and empowered by them.........and of course there's the things anyone would want from a T e.g. to be listened to, to be understood, to feel they can empathise with you, to be respected..............and they'd be giving you coping tools, helping with/through difficulties............

It sounds like it isn't as much you holding you back but much more the anxiety, it might have it's roots somewhere though..........with the depression, with the feeling of being weak or inferior or fear of being weak or inferior, lack of confidence or self esteem, too high expectations from others or ones you're imposing on yourself...........???? Perhaps something to think about???

And this bit sounds like a vicious circle........"I feel that I should be doing more but can't quite summon the motivation. Then I feel conflicted about feeling weak, anxious and tired because I didn't actually expend any effort".........you're feeling weak, you're feeling tired.............you're going to be going straight back to lacking motivation.
Perhaps you could try setting yourself more manageable goals to build on, and it doesn't matter where they're going to take you remember...........it's much more about you doing what you can.
And really acknowledge the achievements you're making, give yourself time to praise yourself, to recognize the strength/the power of those achievements before jumping straight ahead to something you think you should be/aren't doing.



Alison

He gave me one tool - deep breaths which I've been using and it's helped somewhat, but it's a coping mechanism, doesn't solve problems.

I wrote a letter to myself this past Christmas where I took the time to note the positive changes I noticed about myself after some of my recent stresses and I'll be opening this letter one year after writing it.