This fight won't end until...

I’m getting some pretty strong sui urges today. No particular reason. Just feel like I’ve had enough. I’m tired. I’m sitting here just arguing with myself about it. Do I? Don’t I? Do it now before things get even worse…because they always do. Do it now because no one actually cares, not really. Do it now, enough already.

But… also I can’t. I have things planned. Things to look forward to. For this weekend at least anyway. How hard is it to stick around? Just a few more days…..

And at the same time I have a constant thought telling me I need to die. That’s been there for a few weeks.

It’s exhausting having this argument. I’m tired and want to give up.

Are you seeing a therapist that allows for out-of-session contact so you can have someone to share this with?

Please stay safe.

Hey Secret- I'm sorry you are going through that kinda hell. I know it's hell because I spend most of my days ruminating over the same questions. Some times I just have to yell at my mind "STOP"! I try very hard to distract myself with ANYTHING that takes my mind to a different place but lately even that has been difficult. I think you know what actions you need to take should your idealations border on actions? I do hope you have a great therapist if not, RUN don't walk back into therapy. I really wish there was a magic pill for those of us who spend our days in this unrelenting pastime but... I need to keep some hope alive that POSSIBLY life COULD get better. I'm going to try Ketamine Infusions soon as I have tried just about everything else. I really hope you can find something that will offer you relief, just know you are not alone...

sounds like you are in a pretty crappy place. i know it well. Hopefully things will get brighter/better for you SOON!

No therapist. I haven't seen him since November...I was in hospital then he was off sick for the start of this year. And now he is impossible to get in touch with.

- vital

Hi Secret. Is there some emergency hotline to call or hospital to go to if this gets too bad? Oh, and by the way, I am someone who truly cares about you. I know I am not a person IRL, but I do care. You are such a good, kind person. You are important more than you know. So do take care of yourself and stay safe. Having something important to do this weekend is good because that gives you something to focus on maybe to take your mind off other things. I understand how you are feeling because I am having similar feelings myself. Please do stay safe.

((((((SecretWhisper))))))

I'm with you. This weekend is a holiday weekend and it will be harder than usual to contact services, so please try and contact someone sooner rather than later. Is your Care Coordinator any good? I know how hard it is to get support while you are feeling as you do and I know how disruptive it can be having the Crisis Team on your case, especially when you have stuff planned. Please don't let that stop you from getting some support.

Hi Friend

i can understand that you want to give up this fight. But can you do something before you take the extreme step. for the next 1 week i want you to visit this forum and read as many threads as possible and give hugs and thanks to every member who has shared his pain/insight/ideas. For example, I visit your thread and give hugs to you and hugs & thanks for members who have responded in this thread. visit any thread and give a hug to the member and thanks & hugs to the respondents for their contribution and keep track of how many hugs and thanks you have given. i also want you to make a note of the feelings you have after completing this task.

CAN YOU DO IT???

I know I probably should reach out for help....but...I wanna just try to ride this out on my own. I'm not keen on my care coordinator, she actually phoned me up on Monday but I made out like everything was fine. Maybe a mistake in hindsight. But I'm definitely not willing to have the crisis team come out. If I just keep on reminding myself that there is stuff I want to do this weekend, stuff I need to be here for, then maybe I can stop myself doing anything stupid.

It's hard. I'm not gonna lie.

((((((SecretWhisper)))))) Please be good to yourself. I completely understand about the crisis team, last time I insisted on going to them rather than have them come to me. That way I could fit them around the stuff I needed to do. My care coordinator has cancelled on me, I left her a vague message about needing help but she didn't reply and now it will be three weeks before I see her. Please PM me if you think it could help, but I'm not sure we'd be good for each other given our respective states of mind. Take care and I hope you enjoy the things you have planned

I'm worried. I made a friend last time I went inpatient and we have stayed in touch. We were due to meet up today, so I sent him a few texts but no reply. Just tried calling him and it's not even connecting to his phone. My head is jumping to the conclusion that he has done something....and I'm worried. And it's triggering me further and I feel worse. Don't know what to do

Could you reach out somebody else irl? Perhaps you will be safer if you are with somebody

When I'm at my worst I assume people I can't get in touch with have done something, too. Most likely he hasn't.

It sounds to me like it's time for you to reach out. I hope you understand your worth the effort. Do what you need to to stay safe.

Hi Secret. I have been thinking about you and praying for you. You are a very good person. I hope you are feeling better but if not do reach out for help. You are worth it. Stay safe.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...resources.html
Stay strong for you.

Dear secretwhisper,
I had a rough patch a couple of weeks ago and was overwhelmed with dark thoughts. What prevented me and continues to prevent me from succumbing are my comprehensive lists: a list of experiences yet lived; a list of tasks yet completed; a list of people who currently depend on my existence indirectly or directly. As I review the people list, I imagine what they might feel after I am gone . This is how I battle that beast. I never quite defeat it but I conquer it for that stretch. Focus on the plans you have this weekend and beyond. Call someone (I have several times and it has always helped me get my head straight) . If you can't reach your counselor call hot line

I'm feeling calmer today. The thoughts are still in my head but for now I can push them away. Not sure if I will even do the things I had planned this weekend, headache is kind of ruining it for me but I think I can get through it all the same.

you can sit there getting peace, nowhere is needed to go for it.

I was afraid of what would happen once this weekend was over. It's definitely harder when I don't have things to aim for, things to look forward to.

Hi Secret- go back and read the response from "Hard2Smile" it's some really good advise. I too am plagued by these thoughts...every day...all day... I try to stay focused on how my actions would affect those who care about me. Also, sharing with someone how I feel and speaking the thoughts that are in my mind helps take the power out of the thoughts. BELIEVE that there may be a treatment that could help you feel better... Wish I had a better answer but these are the things that are helping me deal with the intrusive thoughts.

Hello 'secret' and please please do hang in there, at least for a bit longer. If and when you do actually decide to depart, you'll never know what could have been, and when you've gone there's no way back in the mortal sence. Remember, that what method of leaving us you choose, could go very very wrong and you could spend the rest of your natural life confined to a wheelchair or severely brain damaged/disabled. YES, I DO know exactly how you're feeling for ive been there SOOO many times over the last 30 plus years. The only thing I ask you to consider, is to defer that destructive move a few hours, or even days (which would be better) that way you won't have hurt yourself or anybody who loves you. Xxxxx

((((((secret))))))