[hamstergirl]

I told my pdoc what happened on Sunday in detail. And he asks me why I felt I had to 'push myself to the edge'.

The niggling, uncomfortable question that I didn't have a ready answer to. The man doesn't feel I'm an iminent threat to myself. He didn't call out the dogs. He sent me home.

"Pushing myself to the edge." That's what it was, it didn't feel like it at the time. I can't explain why.

I do know this. I had three other methods to suicide by on that riverbank and I didn't take them. Instead, I turned around and I went home.

I pushed myself to the edge and I'm disgusted with myself that I didn't fall off.

I'm sorry if I put you all thru hell. I will try not to hate myself for this too.

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{Hamstergirl}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Please don't be offended by what I say, okay? I thought it before but since you posted this I'll mention it.

I don't believe you wanted to die that day by the river. You dropped off that note, and I believe you wanted someone to come and help you. You were trying to get someone to pay attention to the fact that you need help and are suffering all the time.

You're right - you could have done any number of things to actually commit suicide - but you didn't. You don't want to die - you just want relief from the h*ll that you live with on a daily basis.

I hope someone in 3D understands and helps you get some relief. It seems like your 2 friends really care and I'm glad you have them.

Don't be disgusted with yourself - you're a fighter, a survivor. I admire your courage and fortitude.

If I offended you, you have my apologies.

Mary Alice

[silver_queen]

But then, people who are suicidal don't actually want to die. They want to live but can't bear the pain anymore.

Yes, I thought that too, that hamstergirl wanted to show people just how much pain she's in. But there's nothing wrong with that...

_____________________
RIP Dexter...
<font color=red>The best dog ever!!!</font color=red>

<font color=green>In the real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning.</font color=green>
- F. Scott Fitzgerald

[PlanningtoLive]

Never said there was, silver queen.........

And some people who are suicidal DO want to die. I can attest to that by experience - my own.

[hamstergirl]

I'm not offended.

I just want this to end. I just want the pain to stop. I've been robbed of just about everything else in life. And this isn't ever going to stop. I know that now. AND I CAN'T DIE!!!!! Other people have killed themselves for less. It's not as if I don't know what's coming. Horrible things are coming and I don't want to face them. They've been doing stuff to me since day one. I know the score. And I'm frightened and I'm angry and I'm grieving and I'm sad and I dare not show any of that...to anyone.

So I sing hymns in a church bathroom at the top of my lungs. It's a message ...please help me...please protect me from this...please stop this from happening.

Protection...I need protection...from the doctors. I had to go to emergency again last night with abdominal pain. My bowels were blocked and they had to clean me out. They gave me an enema and then I waited...waited all night for them to take me home.

Waited all night in a place where ugly things were happening. Waited surrounded by pain and fear. Waited for 13 hours helpless, knowing that soon, my turn with the knives would come and then I would pay the piper. I barely said a word of it to anyone except one nurse named Tammy who was really nice. But she never knew just how scared I was.

I waited in silence and I wanted to start singing and not stop. Just bellow at the top of my lungs and drown it all out. They'd have my head for that.

The ambulance drivers who picked me up thought I was able to walk. My chair was at home. I'm sick of reminding people I'm disabled. It's rubbed in my face every day.

When I phone 911, I give the paramedics the bare basics "cerebral palsy, osteoporosis, scoliosis." I could give them the full ugly truth of it, every surgery, every loss, every limitation, every agony. Then they'd know there would be no chance in h*ll I can ever walk out of there.

But the full ugly truth hurts unbearably. I can't stand it. It's been rubbing itself in my face for 20 years. The pain has festered, grown, unspoken, unsaid. And the last thing I want is to constantly repeat it to those who will only add to my suffering.

Haven't slept since 5 a.m. Wednesday and I can't sleep now. I'm going to get dressed, go to church and sing my lungs out.

If I'm courageous, I have to be. I fight alone.

[Butterfly_Faerie]

(((((((((( Hamstergirl ))))))))))

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

[hamstergirl]

For the record, and this probably means NOTHING; The ambulance drivers brought me home in hospital blues and used hospital sheets to transfer me into my chair.

Those things are now going down THE GARBAGE CHUTE. I'm getting real ugly vibes from looking at them.

Paper hospital bracelet: gone, the bandage they used to tape up my IV wound:gone They diapered me and I still need that. They even replaced my cathethar bag for me. I want to get rid of them both very badly. Even the record they gave me for my doctor.

I want to get rid of it all and I will feel contaminated for as long as I HAVE IT IN MY PRESCENE. Contaminated and worse.

Again, it's probably nothing.

[kelbelle65]

Hi Hamstergirl,

I'm sorry you're frightened, angry and sad. And I'm sorry for your pain. I wonder... why did you say you "dare not show any of that... to anyone"? I have a friend who has taught me to be myself, to be authentic-- and if that means crying when I feel sadness in the middle of someone's birthday party, then so be it. Why do you dare not? What do you think will happen if you do? And what could possibly be wrong if you sang while waiting for the care givers to give you some care? (I would maybe refrain from belting out hymns in the quiet zone of a hospital, but it would calm and comfort you to sing quietly to yourself, wouldn't it?)

I understand your frustration at the medical community. I don't have any physical health problems but I've been to the emergency room for a dog bite and other various things and I know the waiting and the sometimes impersonal service just plain sucks. I can't stand going to the doctor for a check-up or if my OCD acts up and I'm convinced I have cancer or some other terminal disease--I just feel like a number. The most you can do is try to practice patience and tolerance-- that's all you can do because you can't change anyone else. You can only change the way you react to people and situations. It is bad for your heart health to be angry and resentful. I'm putting a big loving intention out to the Universe that you and everyone else who is suffering start having positive, efficient, caring and non-stressful experiences with the medical community.

I hope you don't always feel that you need protection from doctors! If you feel that they are harming you, even with their bedside manner, just gently remind them of their hypocratic oath and ask them if they could be more present and gentle-- that you've been through a lot and you need to feel human and like you are being cared for. If you ask them gently, I'll bet they'll comply.

I don't know if you're up for a pretty big suggestion, but I don't suppose it could hurt if I give you one. Next time you are in a place where you feel "ugly things are happening" try to clear your mind and meditate on one good thing that might be happening in the building. If it's a hospital, maybe you could envision a baby being born to parents who've had 3 miscarriages... or someone emerging from a successful open heart surgery-- someone's Grandma, maybe. And try to picture her grandchildren all around her hospital bed. Good things do happen in the medical community... I'm sure someone has relieved your suffering once or twice-- maybe you could meditate on them and fill your heart with gratitude and hope. I know some of what I'm saying sounds sappy and new age or whatever and I hope it's not pissing you off like when someone tells you to "just relax" when you're anxious, but I know for a fact that putting positive thoughts out with your energy can help your health-- physical and emotional. There are some good books out there about the mind/body connection. Dr. Joan Borysenko has written one called "Minding the Body/Mending the Mind" (I think that's the title) and it might give you some new coping methods to try so you aren't so angry and frightened. It sounds like you have a lot of strength in you-- you could really use that strength to your advantage.

You say "this isn't ever going to stop" and that may be true until they find cures for your ailments, but you can stop and change the way you react to it and nobody can stop you from doing that except you.

I hope you take this message as one of lovingkindness, from a stranger who cares. I have no idea what you experience on a daily basis and I don't know how I'd handle it in your shoes, but if you harness your inner strength, you can change some things.

Take good care,
-Kelly

[hamstergirl]

The doctors were kind. They were gentle. I never showed my anger towards any of them, just quietly waited my turn and quietly let them do to me what had to be done.

They were kind. They were gentle. And I feel something horrific has just taken place. I feel violated, contaminated. All they did was a simple medical procedure and I feel sickened. Very, very sick and very, very vulnerable.

I didn't sleep for a full 36 hours yesterday. Were it not for Father Lindsay, I wouldn't have eaten. Even after I went to bed, I didn't sleep through the night. I kept waking up.

I feel like something terrible has just transpired.

As for changing, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I've documented any of this in writing. The first time I've let others into my life so deeply. The first time I've let others see me in a weakened state.

I could have just stayed at home and kept this a secret. My friends want me at the church. They were worried even before the river incident.

Pardon my French, but forgive me if I can't miraculously heal myself of the terror overnight.

For most, that night at the hospital would be over and done with, for me it isn't. What happened to me as a child didn't end when I left the hospital. I took it with me, physically and mentally.

That night at the hospital isn't over and it will never be over even if they fix me.

I'm trying to get people to understand and they don't. I don't even know what's going on anymore to tell you the truth.

[hamstergirl]

Southern Arizona.

You just asked another one of those questions that psychiatrists are infamous for asking. The ones you don't have a ready answer for. The ones you are frightened of answering. And I pride myself on having the ready answer.

I can tell you this. If I started singing on that stretcher, even softly, it wouldn't be so quiet anymore.

I would start to cry and emotions are something I've learned to supress from years of living with an emotionally abusive father.

I'm scared to sing, petrified in fact. And I will not relish listening to music. Both stir up an emotional response (mainly crying).

Singing that song on the river certainly made me cry. And it wasn't the song. An Easter hymn would probably make me cry too. Listening to music has the same effect. Sooner or later, the pent-up emotions explode.

[kelbelle65]

Hamstergirl,

I'm sorry. Please don't think I was trying to get you to change overnight. I'm just trying to sympathize and offer support. I was emotionally abused as a child too-- it was mild and I'm sure you've been through much worse, but I just wanted to share with you that my healing began with me changing how I was perceiving my life.

I applaud you for speaking out about your situation for the first time. That's a great first step. And I'm so sorry if my posts upset you. I thought I was being kind and understanding. I'm glad you're venting though-- it sounds like you have a lot to get out, so let it out. I know it can't be good to keep all that emotion bottled up.

I totally understand you feeling vulnerable. But I still stick by my suggestion of trying to meditate on something pleasant when you start to feel sick, violated, contaminated. And try to absorb the kindness and the gentleness of the doctors.

I'm not sure what the river incident was-- I think I missed that post, but I'll go and try to find it.

Meanwhile, please know that I'm not judging you or sitting here thinking you should miraculously fix yourself or your attitude. I realize you're doing exactly what you're able to do in this moment. But I also know that I've gotten tidbits of advice like this during really bad times of my life and some of them have helped me let go of patterns, fears and to realize that I have so much more power than I realized.

Emotional abuse from a parent left me with very little self-esteem and I am still working really hard to overcome it and be a confident, strong woman at 38. I'm being so emphatic with you because I know you can overcome some of your obstacles.

Keep your posts coming. Your writing is very authentic and articulate. I can speak for myself, but I'm sure others would agree-- I'm getting a very good idea of how you are feeling, even though I can't know what you are going through.

With loving kindness and support,
-Kelly

[dexter]

hamstergirl i can understand some of those feelings about the hospital, the doctors, and even music (although music usually has a good effect for me, the idea of it provoking a very emotional response is understood).

I really just want to remind you again that you are doing several constructive things in this and yes, making changes hopefully toward the better. For one talking about these issues here for the first time is a huge step, and also the trust you have for father lindsay and your friend doug. even a little trust does not come easily to everyone and in your situation i understand that just the idea of trusitng someone is a stressful burden in itself. but you are still talking to the Father and to your friend and even if it is just a small instance of letting yourself be open just a little bit that is a huge step and a difficult one to have accomplished.

I know you understand that the people here just want to help and i also understand that suggestions can sometimes hit "hot buttons" that make us very emotional. I can't speak for anyone else here but for me letting out these emotions doesn't make me uncomfortable as i see them as a part of your process and progress. i see your anger as directed toward your situation rather than toward anyone here and i believe that facing that anger and getting it out is an important thing for you to do. you certainly are justified in having anger and expressing that here and with your friends will be important toward hopefully getting past it to some extent.

i know nothing is going to change overnight, it would be quite destabilizing if stuff like that happened overnight! but the evidence of your strength in looking to work through this are recognizable. i hope you can see the strength that you have in dealing with this and looking for a better way of living with this even if it is a slow and painful process.

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

[hamstergirl]

For those of you who were worried. I'm still here.

Went to the hospital again, this time for cathetar pain. I wanted them to take it out. I begged them to take it out. (Why won't they listen?! I tried) Spent time in emerg, singing and with the blankets over my head, trying to shut everything out.

It didn't work. Violated again...I hate this.

My shrink won't listen. The doctors won't listen. My shrink is too scared of making my life more miserable to raise my med levels. What could it hurt?! I'm miserable now and flirting with f*cking suicide. How long does he want this to continue?

The pain has destroyed my life. I am effectivly housebound now and even typing this is causing agony. Taking to bed is my only relief at this point.

I've written to Father Lindsay and Doug openly asking for help. I feel like dirt, but I have no options. Those two aren't scared to help me.

When will this stop?!

G*d it hurts. G@d it hurts God it hurts.

[kelbelle65]

Hi Hamstergirl,

It feels so... insufficient to tell you how sorry I am that you are in such pain, physical and emotional. But I am. I am so very sorry for your suffering. I don't even know you but I wish I could take your pain onto myself for 24 hours to give you some relief. I wish I could give you that gift. All I can give you over the computer is a cyber hug and a wish that things get better for you, and fast.

I wish you a good night's rest when you get to your bed.

Kelly

[LookingForMe]

I've been reading your posts hamstergirl and they touch me. You've been through a great deal and though I'm no doctor or expert in any way, I think you are perfectly justified in feeling frightened, angry, and sad. If you didn't feel those things, I'd say there was definately more wrong with your mental well-being.

I do hope you find some way to show some of those feeling to others. Sharing some of them here is a good first step (at least in my experience though my story is vastly different from yours). I think you show more strength and more courage, not by keeping silent but, by allowing others to see beyond the physical you.

I do also expect that your mental well-being often gets overshadowed by your physical limitations and needs. So much effort and time goes into looking after them that there must be little left over for the other. You are a fighter, hamstergirl....fight for that too.

Okay..for what its worth, that was my two cents. I'll be thinking of you.
P.S. I used to live in Kingston, Ontario. Not too far away from Ottawa. (Just a boring little bit of trivia)

<font color=green>Once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to.</font color=green> --Alan Keightley

[hamstergirl]

It's true. I spend so much time looking after my disability and fighting for things that stuff like friendship and love gets overlooked. I've missed out on a lot. I've forgotten what it's like to be human. I don't even know if I AM human, or just some escaped medical experient gone wrong.

It hurts to type this. It hurts to sit. It hurts to sleep.

You said to fight for my mental well being too. Well, I've been fighting my whole life, for everything,for things all of you take for granted. I am suffering horribly with a cathethar because I do not even have a right to p*ss. That's degrading.

Well, I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of it all. The doctors, issues with my parents, life on welfare, the bureaucrats, the lonliness, the monster, the pain. I'm sick of it all. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I'M SICK AND I'M TIRED.

I pray every day that G*d takes me home soon.

[LookingForMe]

Oh hamstergirl, I'm sorry..that was a poor choice of words on my part. Of course you are sick and tired of fighting and I should have realised that.

Its very difficult to really express what I mean here with only the written word. I guess its not so much a fight you'd have with anyone other than yourself when it comes to opening up and sharing how you feel. After so long being silent, it becomes a battle within to do such a thing. Do you know what I mean?

And though your physical well-being must be very consuming and is very important, your mental and emotional needs must also be somehow met. They matter too. More, if not as much, I'd say. Sometimes, when those needs are met it helps make the physical pain a little easier to bear.

So, I guess thats what I mean when I say fight for that too. Its a different kind of fight....one you have to do with yourself, for yourself. Because you matter. Its a fight of allowing people in; of not being so strong and silent. You've begun to do that here. You've let people in. You've let people care. I care.

And hamstergirl, you are very human. When you are in pain, it is so very hard to focus on anything other than pain. And its exhausting. I had a relatively short experience (about 2 years) with being in constant pain and unable to function and I realise that it doesn't compare with what you are going through but I think it gave me a little taste of what life must be like for you.

I still live with pain (again I doubt it compares to yours) and will for the rest of my life. Luckily, I have these handy-dandy morphine patches that I can slap on for the really bad times (they last for 3 days). Are you prescribed anything for pain, hamstergirl? Is there anything at all that helps take that edge off?



<font color=green>Once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to.</font color=green> --Alan Keightley

[hamstergirl]

I'm sorry for blowing up at you like that.

With surgery, I find that the battle is 90% mental. Without something to sustain you, friends around you and just basic HOPE, everything is lost. At least in the children's hospitals, they try to raise your morale. Adult hospitals are sterile, frightening and notoriously depressing.

And I've been isolating myself for years. I'm frightened of people, I'm frightened of being loved. (It's not going to last.)

You've been living in pain for 2 YEARS!? That makes me a newbie, friend. I'm only on month 2 of this little funfest.

I'm only on Oxycocet. My mother is strongly pushing for a pain clinic. But there are waiting lists up here...for everything. Any real relief is several months away and my mental well-being and my life have been ravaged by this. I NEED HELP NOW! I'm praying for hours just for the strength to do the groceries.

All I have to do is crawl into bed and the pain stops. That's all I have to do to stop this nightmare...crawl into bed and stay there, my friend.

[(JD)]

...Girl, I haven't been around lately... and haven't read all your posts either of late... but thought I'd drop a line to let you know I haven't been able to die yet either... and that I'll try and catch up with you and your latest dilemma... too overwhelmed with my own right now.

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

[LookingForMe]

You can blow up at me any ol' time you want hamstergirl! *grin* I know its frustration with your situation talking and won't take it personally.

But I have to correct you on one account. Again, its the written word I have trouble with. For 2 years I was in pain and unable to function...was being the key word. Now, I still have pain but it is manageable and for the most part, I live my life as I always have. It is and was only a small taste of what you must go through. I just wanted you to know that I do understand a little...that I'd been there for a very little while. I do know how all-consuming pain can be.

The waiting lists are horrendous for everything, I agree. Its a pet peeve of mine. My brother is on a waiting list for brain surgery. We just found out he has Arnold-Chiari malformation - a rare condition in which the back of the brain slowly slips into the spinal canal causing excrutiating headaches, blurred vision, muscle weakness, difficulty swallowing, brain impairment.....they told him it could be done in a year. He is considering going to the states to have it done. I guess there is a surgeon there who performs these surgeries about 5 times a year.

I am very p!ssed off with our waiting lists. They are ridiculous. I can relate to your anger about that completely.

My brother is in Ottawa too hamstergirl. (He lives in Russell, actually but works in Ottawa). I'll be thinking about you both.

<font color=green>Once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to.</font color=green> --Alan Keightley