Daily Check In, ups and downs #17

Please be careful, Dispairassant.

trying to keep myself busy coloring, knitting, tv, computer games. took 4 yo outside cause she was convinced she could build a snowman with slush lol. whatever it takes to keep my mind off its obsessions, my estranged relationship with my mother, and the upcoming trip to see the inlaws

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Rewrite: I'm officially in a state of hopelessness. It feels so petty, but I can't help it.

I've been obsessing about intelligence all day and I'm ready to cry, or die, or both. I'm considering cutting ties with someone I recently found out is extraordinarily gifted - I don't want to burden him much more or waste his time. I'm a walking joke, useless in every way, nothing but a burden in the way of those who really matter.

I even retook an IQ test: I've lost 5 points. And I thought I did better than last time. I'll belong in a home in a couple of years at this rate.

I mean, what do I have to lose (no, I'm not going to do anything, just musing)? I'm worth nothing, I have nothing to offer, I am nothing, I do nothing but consume and that's all I'll ever be, so why continue?

I am good.

Sad... lonely, cannot concentrate on work... I want to have a complete meltdown and just bawl my eyes out. Tired of getting beaten up verbally by others... I need something positive to happen... it's just been so hard lately. I need a new job, my boss sucks, she is disrespectful towards me, she doesn't value me or my work.. and I work very hard. I want to give up. I'm just so done with struggling.

My depression seems a little better. I actually got up and went to the bank and fixed myself lunch. But I still have no energy or motivation.

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the holiday high is over. now i'm back to being depressed and not caring much about anything. been feeling stuck. i've needed to do more work in my room for a long time now, specifically putting everything on the floor back on my window seat (i had to take everything down a couple weeks ago to have blankets put up over the window for the winter, since we don't have storm windows, and the house is old and drafty). only thing is that i never seem to get around to doing it. i either run out of time, or i feel ****** and don't want to deal with it that day. because of this, a lot of floor space is still being taken up by the stuff (a lot of it is stuff i don't want anyway). it's difficult to make my bed, and getting up in the night to use the bathroom ends up with me bruising my toe.

on top of this i keep waking up far too late. these past few days i've woken up past noon, one of those days i woke up at 1:30. i even went to bed an hour earlier last night because of this, and still woke up today at 12:04 PM. i'm getting frustrated. it's not like i'm a party animal who stays up late. i usually go to bed before midnight most nights, which means that i've been sleeping 12+ hours a night, and it just baffles me. how can i be so tired to sleep that much, when i don't hardly do ****?... i don't understand.

also, it's been cloudy and rainy now for several days, which doesn't help my SAD. i mainly stay in my room, and my window is covered in blankets now, so i don't see the outside much. it feels like hibernation in a way. but i don't want to hibernate. i want to have a life sometime. there are so many things that need to be done. i'm so behind. it feels like no one's helping me through it, either. my parents ignore me and leave me to my own devices. i guess being 19 means they are not obligated to help me anymore. but at the same time i need help, i'm slipping back into that place where nothing matters anymore, where i just want to quietly stop existing.

Well my decision to stay off antidepressants didn't last long. One night of hell, thoughts going wild, no sleep. So I'll stay on them. It helps some but I swear it just numbs everything. I'm not happy, but happiness isn't something I strive for. I know if I'm fairly even keeled I'm doing better.

I'm sleeping all the time. Need to get on track....

i am feeling so sentimental tonight. am so full of emotions. I have wasted so many years feeling guilty over my mom and my pets' deaths. I know I tried but I made mistakes but for how much longer am I going to punish myself? it's been over 15 years of misery. I withdrew from the world. I am a good person. i miss my friends and having fun. my ex brother in law and a former coworker died this year. none of us know how much time we have left on this earth. I don't want to waste anymore time being sad...

Perhaps sleeping too much could be part of your depression. How is your general health? I do not remember if you had health insurance

Good morning everyone

just wanted to say hugs, and i've been there too. one night i didn't take my meds and had a similar hellish experience with wild thoughts and no sleep.
also agree that it numbs everything. i question it often but like you feel like if it helps even things out that is better than nothing.
hope you feel better.

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went out to pharmacy this morning to pick up thyroid meds because the pharm tech made me feel guilty for asking if they were open new years day the last time. that was when i was going to go cause it's hubby's payday. i tend to forget holidays but know they matter to other people. anyway went today. was wearing garfield jammie pants, a purple winter hat and really need a shower. i bought another red winter hat cause i love wearing them, and the cashier asks if i want to keep it out to wear. i'm like wth why would i do that i'm wearing one already. i must look like crap and insane to boot.

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Still feel awful, but it seems this kind of self-hating depression goes in cycles:

Numbness to anything > Inundate myself with information that sets me off > Fear, shame, anger, etc > Look for "remedies" to the problem while consciously hating and raging at myself > Resolve to self-improve, while still thinking of that improvement as inferior or a waste of time > Remember/realize how much work it would actually take to achieve what I want > "It's not worth it" > Numbness

I can't stop thinking about my former friends. Very sad and upsetting memories. I knew this would happen but it hurts so much just the same. I'm a useless person. I wish I had never been born.

Don't worry, around here almost everyone seems to be out shopping in pj pants, it's the style... you're not insane and you are hard on yourself. You're doing your best and that's all we can do. I have to take thyroid pills too, I hope you get yours checked to see how it's doing. Thyroid normal's range, and I ask to keep mine in the highest range to help with tiredness. Take care, and thanks for responding to me

You're not useless, you are a very encouraging empathetic friend to me, and help lots on the forums. Be kinder to yourself

i think it is. when my depression's worse i feel so tired all of the time... it's easy to oversleep. my general health is suffering too, because i eat poorly and stay inside for the most part. i have health insurance, but no way of getting to and from appointments, so it doesn't help in terms of getting back on meds or finding a therapist, which at this point i'd love to do because right now i just need things to change for the better. but that's looking to be less and less likely to happen.

thank you. x

today i woke up at exactly 10:47 AM. i can live with that, for now.

decided today would be the day i'd get all the stuff on my floor back on the window seat. it didn't happen quite the way i planned. first couple hours after waking up i didn't feel so hot... then had to get my mom to help me finish things in my room because i got so overwhelmed and became frustrated and flustered as a result. i basically let her take over. she just stacked things up and pushed them out of the way. now everything is off my floor (finally), but i feel pretty bad about needing my mom's help cleaning my own room, something i should be able to do myself at the age of 19. i feel stupid.

also having trouble in the weight department. i seem to have backtracked and gained a couple pounds. now i know that could be stubborn period weight still hanging on, but i think it was also probably the pigging out i did over Xmas. starting january i'll be going back to being more strict with myself. the holidays aren't an excuse.

You are just going through a bad patch Angelique67 - "This too shall pass." I appreciate your vulnerability. I am sad too. I am also feeling like a chicken. I met someone who is gentle and brilliant, and wants to learn about life with me. I haven't risked being vulnerable for a long time. It is time to bring more joy in to my life when I have the ashes of my marriage that I tried to reconcile for six years and the ashes of trying to have my birth family in my life. I am still that little girl but my world is different.

There was some excitement at work today shortly after I just got in. There was a massive fire at a warehouse very close to where I work. That warehouse had burned to the ground. It was pretty scary as flames were shooting high and smoke was thick. Fortunately no one was injured.

Because of the fire, it created a very boring day at work as deliveries that I deal with could not arrive. The road was blocked off due to putting out the fire and investigations.

Other than that it was an OK day. I went to the pool area and saw a woman there that I'm not crazy about. But she seems to be chasing me. I don't know what to do. She can't speak English. She seems very forward with me, and that's something I don't care for. I had not seen her in a long time. I thought that she was gone and that made me feel good.

Going on day three of feeling like crap. I think I just lost another confessor, which sucks, and I've probably jeopardized my already-poor job prospects by crazy-posting on a site that requires real names, so now future employers can see what a (rightfully) insecure loon I am.

I'm honestly wondering if going on is worth it. I mean, nothing will change, and even if it does, I have so much failure and mediocrity in my past to be ashamed of, I would be masking or lying about almost my entire life if I did manage to do something successful. But really, what does life have in store for me? Nothing, it seems, but feeling miserable and beating my head against a wall trying to accomplish something.

doing okay. cleaned house, threw away my scissors, starting anew from the bottom. resolved not to cut my hair again.

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happy new year everyone.