Feeling Worse Every Day

I'm exhausted today. This week has left me feeling wrung out. It should be a fairly simple day, I've already arranged to have a lot of stuff taken care of by coworkers, to make my load lighter. I just want to finish the day, go home, get drunk, and go to bed.

I'm glad that it is the end of your week.

Maybe there is something else besides getting drunk that could be destressing and even fun tonight? Just asking in a friendly manner.

I have been thinking about that some. Depending on my energy level, we did get a new video game earlier this week that I have not yet played, so that may be a good plan.

So tired, and only 3 hours to go. I'm making it easy on myself, I can't change the next hour and a half, but I can short my last engagement of the day. Sounding like a better plan the more I think about it, since I haven't really had time to do much of anything today beyond what the day itself brought me. Still catching up from yesterday and the day before, and probably some from last week in there too.

see if he will agree to a benzo for the anxiety - they help alot
honestly they help a little with my depression too it seems... relieves alot of that... crushing despair junk... i like klonopins / valiums personally... haven't had much luck with xanax or ativan

hope he gets you some good meds that will help you be able to relax

have a good day today

I've never taken anything for anxiety, but I think it would help a lot. I've been so extremely anxious for the last 6 months. Benzos sound like a good idea. Antidepressants we will probably have to play around with, I've never taken one I liked. But I'm sure finally working with a pdoc will make a difference.

I am going to make today good! I'm about to go back to sleep for a bit longer, then I want to play video games and relax all day! I am determined!!

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Sounds good! If okay, let us know how things go!

Not a bad day, overall. I spent it on the couch playing video games. Got some cleaning done earlier too.

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Good job PsychNitrous!

Well, a little deviation from that nice day yesterday, couldn't end the day without one meltdown. Had a panic attack come out of nowhere while I got ready to shower, then had a nice cry. But it didn't last long, and I slept better than I have in ages. Thank you opiates.

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4 days left til my appointment with the pdoc. I'm nervous. I'm going to be a wreck, hormones are going crazy already tonight. I just hope we can decide on something. I just can't stand the depression anymore.

On another note, I'm planning a bit of a cleanse this week. Breakfast will be anything from home (likely poptarts, tbh), dinner some sort of leftovers (Spanish or Chinese rice), and lunch will be soup. Plus, I forgot tonight, but tomorrow I will redo my cucumber water and will actually take it to work Tuesday. If I could make it through the weekend only feeling ****** tonight, I can do this. Little changes.

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Woke up feeling absolutely horrible. I just felt terrible. Then I almost flipped out on my bf over nothing, just because. And I lost it. I sat on the edge of my bed and sobbed for half an hour. I still can't stop crying. I feel horrible for being this way. I don't want to do it anymore. I kept going on and on about how terrible I am and how much I hate myself, I just couldn't stop. I made him cry. I'm the worst kind of person. I don't know how to make things better. I tried to just stuff it all back down but nothing helped. I texted him to apologize but he hasn't answered me. I want to go back to sleep but I can't, I feel so horrible.

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(((((PsychNitrous)))))

I don't think I slept, but I stayed in bed the last couple hours after he went to work. Got up to get ready for my day and I'm still crying. I hope my day is as slow as I think it is. Still no answer to my text, and I'm beginning to entertain thoughts of his things being gone when I get home, the spare key shoved under the door. I don't know what to do anymore. It's just too much.

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I feel sick. Everything hurts so much, and it feels like nobody gets it. I feel so alone. I have no idea how to make it through work this week, much less how to make it through today. I just want to go back home.

It's just spilling over to everyone. First my bf, now I'm texting my mom. I wish there was some way I could just be by myself today so I don't hurt anyone else.

you are having a really hard time...
i do this sometimes... but i push people away so much that i dont show my real emotions and end up putting on a show - not by choice.. but because its like instinct to not let anyone near me...

your bf is close to you so he is going to take the blunt of it most of the time...
dont blame yourself... i know how it is... i have done this to a person i love bfeore too...

what i do is try to delay everything, all of my actions - my thoughts race... but i try to delay every action... to give myself time to check, verify, and make sure that its ok to do what im going to do.. make sure its what i want to do...
its not easy and its impossible to do all the time.. but the more you practice the more you can kind of monitor whats going on you know...

it can be really tiring monitoring all of your thoughts and actions though, so i dont know if this is a good thing to do or not... i am by far not a professional and am just telling you what i do... it doesnt help all the time but most of the time it helps me stop from making a bad situation worse...

i know you care for your bf and you dont want to hurt him and you feel horrible for putting him through this, but try not to blame yourself... does he understand your struggles?
if he understands then he will stay by your side... knowing that its not you, but its this illnesss...
i know it sucks.. i wish i could say a magic word and cure you... but all i know to say is try to share what i go through and how i handle things... i know most of the ways i handle things are horrible and i dont tell anyone to do those things, but maybe the monitoring thing isnt so bad... even though it takes a lot of energy...

its not that you do it on purpose ya know? its just that these automatic things cause these problems for everyone we love... especially the ones closest to us... so i just try to monitor everything i do and say... im an extremely quiet person / introverted though so maybe its little easier for me... than an extroverted person...?

spill over here, is ok.. i understand you
if there is anything i can do to help i would love to help...

Thanks. This morning was so hard, I was barely awake and I don't even know what I was feeling. I tried to backpedal from my first reaction, because it wasn't a big deal and I knew that, but I was already starting to fall apart and I think I ended up making it worse. He has a pretty good idea of what I'm going through, he's been there before too. I usually try to keep my thoughts to myself, but I have to keep everything so quiet all day at work, there is definite spillover at home with my bf. And it's more angry now, because I'm so sick of having to deal with this for so long.

I appreciate your replies. I have so many people who want to help, I wish there was something I could ask for, but I don't know.

I did finally hear from my bf again, he texted me when he got off work. He hadn't wanted to answer my text this morning because he was afraid of saying something he would regret. I hate being so frustrating, but like I said I never know what to say when anyone offers to do something to help. I try to tell him that he does more than enough by just being there and letting me talk and cry, but it's not enough for him. It would be great if someone could do all my work for me one day and let me sleep, or something like that, but there isn't anyone who can, and there isn't any of that anyone who is offering to help can do.

I just want to QUIT!!! My whole day has just been one big mess. As much as I started out not wanting to do anything, I've been able to keep pushing through, and I really didn't have anything major scheduled today anyway. A bit of training work, a couple assessments, and plenty of time to hide away in my office to fall apart while I try to get a bunch of paperwork done. Well, the training stuff I was able to put minimum effort into without doing any damage, so that helped, but then the assessments were just a ****ing mess, like they have been for about the last month!! I know it seems against everything I say on bad days to be ungrateful that they were cancelled, but cancellations and rescheduling just messes everything up.

My first assessment refused to sign anything, so that's fine, he can just sit and get in trouble, but chances are as soon as he talks to his case manager he will backpedal. So then that's another hour sometime in the future that I need to block out for him, when I already had the time put in today. Then the second assessment, this is the third time I had to schedule this person, and 2 hours before the assessment I find out he won't be coming afterall, because he's leaving tonight. I've already had to block out 3 hours for this client, all for nothing because everything kept getting rescheduled.

Then, as I'm working on getting all this figured out (as it's all happening at once), I find out that a client I have scheduled for an assessment on Wednesday is leaving in 2 weeks. If he needs any treatment I have practically no time to meet with him. His assessment initially got pushed back because we didn't know what services he needed. Then he didn't show up to his first appointment, because why bother, so it had to be rescheduled. And now I get to see him like ****ing twice.

I've already been pushing everything to the deadline. We have 10 days to schedule an assessment from their entry date, and most of them have been happening on like day 8-10, because I have no other time. I have just been so busy. Then these new employees. Can't complain much about one, even when he already is saying he's "booked". Really? "Booked" is when you have 15 hours of client contact in a 30-hour week, not when you have 10 clients who you see in half-hour increments, and not even every week. The other new employee is the problem, she's too nervous and shy to claim more clients or obligations. I get it, your first real job in the field is scary, but try. It's coming down to me being asked if I want to take on these new clients in a program she should be working more with. I end up getting one from her program, plus the three others I'm assessing for a different program already that week! Not that it's going to stop there, with my luck I'll end up with three more assessments next week, and the week after, and after that...

I just don't know how much more I can take right now. Everyone thinks I'm sick again, except for my supervisor, because I've been fighting tears all day and my nose is bright red from blowing it so much. I just want this week to be over. I want to go to the pdoc Thursday and get meds, and then I want it to be over. I took vacation time next week, so after this week I have 5 days off, work 2, and then off again for 3. I need it so bad.

vent... keep venting... i know not much i can do but im here...

try to take some breathes... it sucks that you have to do this, i honestly dont know how you do it... you are so so so strong

i can hardly deal with 1 person a day much less having to work.. you inspire me

I'm sooooo anxious right now. I have a difficult client scheduled to see me at 11. I don't know if he's going to show up, I don't know if he will agree to sign the paperwork he needs to do, I don't know. I hate the not knowing.

Assessments are still such a mess, but thankfully we are working on it now. I hate complaining, but I guess I should do it more often! The one who is leaving in a few weeks we cancelled, because what's the point now? The one who refused to sign anything backtracked within hours of talking to me. He will now get to wait until the week after next. The case managers just think we are trying to get out of work or something, these assholes can put on such a good show to them about being remorseful and sorry. They aren't, and I'm doing my best.

I'm going home early today. My supervisor knows what I'm struggling with, and she told me yesterday to use whatever sick time I need to this week, until I get to the pdoc. My evening is empty today, so I'm leaving early and resting. Even though I've been sleeping through the night, I don't feel rested at all in the morning. Maybe tonight will help.

Difficult client pulled a no-show this morning. Figures.

This afternoon's assessment is cancelled. Big surprise there.

Literally half of my day was cancelled. I'm so glad I can go home early. My head is throbbing and I'm so tired, I nearly considered taking a nap during group this afternoon. Maybe I should've taken more than 3 hours off today, I probably could call my 4:00 down early and get it over with.

I wonder if you are getting burned out with this work right now. The population is so difficult that one can readily burn out.

I really admire you for what you are doing. Also, I'm glad that you are aware of self-care and have been/are taking steps to further care for yourself. Keep doing that! It might also help to recall what attracted you to work with this population in the first place.