To those who attempted suicide and survived

My first very serious attempt was met with total disgust from my parents who found e and my p doc. My mother was furious because I fell on and broke her table. My P doc told them to put me to bed. I OD'd on a bottle of Seconal; I should have died. When I found out all of these reactions, I was very sorry I survived. Guilt came after another attempt when I saw my husband break down and cry. I was never glad I survived.
I used to be an EMT/Paramedic and I know how most of them feel about psych calls. They are disgusted by them.

I woke up in a psychiatric hospital, mostly fearful of what my husband would feel and say. I woke up to my mother standing nearby and my first words were "he hates me". As much as my husband did not understand why or what I did, he never left me. I underwent ECT after that but didn't get better for a few months. Then one day something changed, I don't know what. And I started to heal. That was 12 years ago. I have never been more grateful to fail at something!

I shot up 300 units of fast acting Insulin and 180 units of slow acting insulin. All I remember is going into a deep cold clammy sweat and felt very weird, can`t describe it. I assume I passed out as I woke up about 7-8 hours later and was still here and in constant pain.

My thoughts exactly - I do not want to be here but feel that I have no choice.

I tried four times, once in my late twenties and 3 times in last 3 years (I'm 57). I don't want to live, and don't want to die. Just stuck here in hell on earth. I feel ashamed and embarrassed about my "failures". Kind of depresses me further - thinking that I failed at what should be such a simple task. Intellectually, I know there are things I should try doing to improve my mood - but I feel so hopeless and unmotivated. To do anything feels like I am swimming in molasses, just takes too much effort. God this sucks!

((((((((( Calista )))))))))

It disgusts me but doesn't surprise me how most of these ?? People feel about psych calls
It's a sad sad world we live in. Wtf is wrong with these people. Where is their humanity?

i felt like a failure which i guess i was.

Back in February of 2015 I almost killed myself. I had the bottle of pills in my hand but in the end I decided to put them up. I was worried I didn't have enough to kill myself. If I had 1 more pill, to make it double the max daily dose, I would have done it. To this day I still regret not doing it. I turned to my wife for help and got yelled at. I feel like I can't trust her anymore and when I bring that up she makes me feel like I'm the bad guy. I think about suicide daily, but in the end I'm too much of a coward to do it now.

Guilty, sad, traumatized

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OMG - I say the thread title, quickly read some posts, and had to stop...
For those who said they (wrongly) felt "guilty, sad, a failure" etc. for not committing suicide,
-- I'll tell you with certainty that LIVING is much harder than DYING (from suicide).

Every minute of every day,
You all deserve a million hugs and praise for your strength to remain alive.

I'm not sure I have as much strength as you all do, but I will continue trying.

I estimate it would take me about 5 minutes to die, to stop the pain,
but instead
that 5 minutes is spent, sometimes almost 300 times/day, feeling intense unbearable pain.
(Based on there's 1440 minutes in a day).

Which is harder? Living or death? You know the answer.

And you all are to be admired for "failing" at suicide, and withstanding the indescribable, almost non-stop pain people feel when they think (feel) they would rather be dead.

I hope I am as successful as you all have been.

Besides, death/suicide is a permanent, irreversible solution/decision,
so whenever I think about taking the easiest way out,
I try to refocus on what can I do right now (like in the next 5 minutes), other than suicide, to decrease the pain?
It usually works, if nothing else, it distracts my mind enough from thoughts of suicide.

For the long term, I know conquering/treating the pain,
is the only way I'll permanently eradicate suicidal thoughts from my mind.

Don't know if it's always possible (to get rid of the pain), but certainly worth trying.
If nothing else, focusing on actively decreasing the pain, should/could make life more bearable, maybe even happy (again) some day. IDK.

Also, I firmly believe staying alive, is a basic human instinct, sort of like breathing,
it is not intellectual.

How those who died (from suicide) got past that, we will never know (? a mistake, an unexpected accident?). IDK.

But I do know failing at suicide is "normal", dying by suicide is not.

I feel very thankful to know, all of you here, that are so strong and normal.
It gives me hope,
that I too can withstand the pain a little longer;
And there's other normal people out there, who wish they were dead (want the pain to stop), but instead reached down deep to find the strength to stay alive.

Those who died by suicide, FAILED to stay alive.
All of you did NOT fail at anything. Really.

For the record, I do believe dying by suicide is a civil right (a person has the right to decide or choose what they want to do with their own body) - And I respect, with remorse if that is the decision they needed to make.

AGAIN, Regardless, living is always harder than dying.
And it makes me really sad, that those who succeeded with suicide,
the reason they failed to stay alive (basic human instinct)
may have been solely due to they could not find the strength to keep on living, a little longer.

I'm glad you all found the strength.

It was quite traumatic for me. Not the experience itself but the realization that "yeah I can do this, This is a possibility". My will power can outweigh my instinct for survival.

I overdosed on both of my attempts. The first one I never got medical help and was throwing up in bed for four days or so but I recovered. The second time my brother found me and I got sent to the ER. This was after a breakup. I didn't do it because of her. It was more about being incredibly depressed before all of that and then realizing being alone just wasn't tolerable to me. The ER gave me activated charcoal, and surprisingly sent me home the next morning. They really should have sent me to the psych hospital because I did need help at the time. I guess the benefit of being depressed at the time is a lack of cognitive ability and lack of resources. Having that would have greatly decreased the odds I would be here today.

The predominate feeling I had was hopelessness and unbearable sadness. Afterwards I still had all of that plus some self hate for trying and I felt a lot of isolation.

I could not have known what the next ten years were going to be like but they have been good enough for me to want to get better. I'm not saying I'm ok and there is days that all I can think about is not existing. I do have some hope to be able to get better.

I also have a family that depends on me. Different from growing up with a family, life feels different when you know your wife/child will never be ok without me here. I know my wife would not be able to cope and I think losing a parent by suicide is an instant ticket for a hard and traumatic life. When I get consumed with all of thoughts and emotions of not being good enough, burden to everyone, worthless I use my family to ground my feelings and to help me understand that those are symptoms of my depression and not a reasonable or logical set of thoughts.

Very insightful.
Hope it's ok if I ask you a few questions..
1. Do you think suicidal thoughts are always symptoms of depression (not reasonable and/or illogical)?
Or
2. Do you think sometimes a person's life is in such turmoil, disrepair and full of too many painful events and intolerable conflicts or real life problems, that death seems like the most reasonable (best) conclusion to them?

Both #1 and #2, I'll assume, the person is alone or feels alone,
because if they had a strong support system, which may include very supportive family, friends and/or physicians
both clinical depression or painful life events would be more manageable and fix-able (not sure that's a word).

Said another way,
I've known people who have had major horrific events happen to them but they never attempted suicide, just like the few I've known in my life that actually did die from suicide outwardly appeared to have most of their lives together, not perfect, but not any recent major traumatic events that would justify death would have been their only option at the time they died.

I suppose I should add a #3, for those who either had a very painful life event OR guilt for something really bad they did A VERY LONG TIME AGO, they hid so well, until one day they decided they could no longer SUPPRESS, hide or tolerate it, so they chose to die.

I'm expecting you'll say an abnormality, such as clinical depression must be present to feel suicidal.
But do you think it's also possible for somebody without clinical depression, to have an intense and almost constant desire to be dead?

I don't think suicide ideation is always a symptom of depression. Depression has a strong checkbox as that being a symptom.

Other mental illness could have suicidal ideation. People with psychosis can sometimes hear voices that say to hurt themselves. I had a friend that told me about what goes on in her head. It sounded very painful and disturbing. A mother figure named violet to be exact that said awful things.

Some cultures don't always see suicide as a unforgivable action. Japanese people have have a lot of value in honor and if that is destroyed then they can commit suicide. That is my understanding. I could have a wrong understanding of the ritual.

There are a lot of things in life that can happen where people don't want to go on and they don't have depression or mental illness. A spouse dying or kids. Losing a home and becoming homeless. Getting a painful and incurable illness and not wanting to endure it. I think there is a quality of life evaluation some people make and decide they cannot cope with it.

Traumatic events can be a huge cornerstone in someone mental well being. Not in a good way. Some thing happen and you are never the same. I think a lot of time it is the victim of an event that hurts the most. But I can see if guilt overwhelms someone even 20 years after they done something they cannot forgive themselves for. Guilt or pain from these events can become too much to cope with if they are never healed and eat away at someone well being.

I think a good support system will definitely help someone with mental illness. I think it would also help someone be safe from themselves. I don't think the amount of support would totally diminish wanting to die if that is a symptom of your depression.

Suicide has a lot of risk factors. History of depression, drug abuse, prior attempts etc.

I don't think we should have a say in what people think or making people ashamed and never admit they have these thoughts. I think that causes more guilt and shame. I also believe people should be kept safe from themselves if they aren't in a capacity to make decisions, the same way someone that is under psychosis isn't left on the street where they are trying or tried to hurt someone.

Depression is really hard. It makes everything not fun, painful, lonely, gray, and it isn't a huge leap to want to escape that anyway you can. For a lot of people depression can be managed or diminishes until it no longer affects someone's life. There isn't a time line on this and some of us draw the short straw and keep dealing with it.

I think I alway had depression. I would fake being sick s lot because I didn't want to be around anyone when I was in school. I isolated a lot, slept way more than what a healthy person would. Then in my teens it got worse. I've had several years where I wasn't depressed and I've had several years where I was.

What you've said has really struck me. I was a happy child although I have joked many times about my being the definition of middle child syndrome (so much that I can tell you about that) I was accomplished, smart and outgoing. Yet I experienced sexual abuse from someone my parents trusted and the only time I ever mentioned it, my disclosure was met with an angry and blaming response from my narcissistic and controlling mother so I never mentioned it again. I am a biracial woman and when I was 11 my parents embarked on a tour of the world, never staying in one place for more than 18 months, during which time I endured racism and rejection in every place I lived (don't even ask me about the rejection I felt from within my own household from being the one who didn't fit in or conform to the rules of risk aversion and boredom). I have joked to people many times about how my parents dragged me around the world to be rejected by every community I ever encountered.

There was a time in my teens where I thought I would never make it to my 18 th birthday because of suicidal thoughts. There have been many other negative experiences which are too numerous (and probably for anyone else) far too boring and tedious to go into - basically I seem to have a knack for attracting abusive and psychotic individuals who view me as something to destroy mentally.

In later adulthood I have reached a point where I can think about suicide many times a day (I have it all worked out but keep tweaking it) to the point where I can bore myself and put the thoughts aside. This scares me more than having clear ideation as it feels almost like making a shopping list and when the time comes to do the shopping I will just end doing it with the robotic matter of factness as I do everything else.

I have not actually attempted suicide but there is no doubt in my mind that I could perfect it in one go and this scares me too.

I go to work and hold down an accountable and responsible full time job, I have always paid my way, I have somehow managed to raise 2 very intelligent and capable kids and yet my value in my own eyes is zero.

I apologise to anyone who reads this for the rant but what I can say is that it is 100% truthful.

I'm sorry for what you went through. I'm sure it took everything you had just to be able to talk about what happened. I can't imagine how you felt when you weren't heard and then blamed by your mother. It wasn't your fault and it is shear crazy making for your mother to say that it was. You didn't ask for what happened and its a tragedy there wasn't any justice for what someone did to you.

I think when you have a messed up childhood it is hard to feel good about yourself. When I was a kid I blamed myself for everything. I've never felt great about myself and I just have to imitate confidence and project that. I wish I had advise on how to make yourself feel worthy. I'm still working on that.

I don't know you or your kids but I want to think you are the most valuable person to them.

My wife is biracial and she had a hard time when she moved to the west coast (US) as a kid. She wasn't accepted by either of her races and made her feel very ioslated. She got by with her dads attitude (If they don't like you, then F them).

So many different reactions.

I stopped myself short of my first suicide attempt. I had a plan that I beleive would have worked solidly, had all of the ingredients and props activated, but decided at the last minute to call a hotline. The hotline didn't help much but it showed me that a part of me wanted to live, this after months in emotional and physical pain, going downhill, and planning suicide.

When I got to the hospital I felt very relieved on several counts:

First, that I'd listened to that tiny part of me that wanted to live and that I'd done so before completing my act of suicide.

Second, the hospital was an LGBT ward. I had been in the closet so being around other LGBT people was a new experience for me and was very comfortable for me.

Third, I found that the idea of going into the hospital was really scary in terms of not being able to go to work or fulfill obligations. However (and another post here reminded me of this recently) I found that being forcibly* taken away from those obligations for a short period of time was truly freeing and allowed me to get the help I needed without all of the anxiety producing obligations. They were all still there waiting for me to take care of them afterward but I was able to do so when I was in a more stable frame of mind to do so. It took me some time to get back on top of things but I was able to do so slowly at my own pace without feeling overwhelmed any longer.

(* I don't mean that I was forcibly taken to the hospital. I went in voluntarily and took myself. I mean that once I went in there was no way to continue to work or pay bills for two weeks so I ceased to worry about them temporarily. I dealt with the bills once I was released and dealt with work some time afterward.)

I was just the exact opposite when I went in. True I had no way to work while I was in there & that only made me worry more. If I'm not working how am I going to pay my bills. As a man I feel it is my job to support my family. How can I do that when I'm in the hospital. It also didn't help that when I got out I checked my voice mails & one of my managers at work had threatened my job if I didn't come in.

There is protection under FMLA that they cannot penalize you for getting medical help nor can they discriminate you. I don't know all the rules about it but I think you just have to tell the employer that you are taking time off for FMLA. If they fire you then it is wrongful termination. That being said you have to tell them before you take off and if you just leave I don't think you are covered under the act. Unless you are unable to tell them for some reason. Car accident or physical trauma that prevents you.

Again, your post is very insightful. Thank you for your thoughts.
Hope U don't mind, I (truncated)to condense space. I recommend members read it in full, below.
My inner personality is very pro-life (all issues) so therefore despite how welcoming death/suicide is, (whether it be due to depression or external horrific events) my vote always goes for life...
But, I'm still unsure, if suicide is a reasonable or logical conclusion for somebody not clinically depressed, who has evaluated and concluded that their "quality of life" is so poor, and their inner being is in such deep pain, that death becomes the best decision for them?

I suppose my gut feeling is, there is always hope and the opportunity for change (improvement);
So even when a person's quality of life is extremely poor, reasons for living, although not clearly apparent, could unexpectedly change, at any point in the future.

And, since suicide/death is NOT reversible, removing all chances for improvement, makes suicide always illogical and unreasonable. (Italic=words you used in your original post).

And, I suppose if we define depression as sadness,
depression is always present when a person has suicidal ideations.
And who wouldn't feel sad, if their life is in shambles?...

Again, I am inspired by all of those here, who have or currently are thinking of suicide as an available option/choice,
but instead muster up the strength to keep on living.

It is a great testimony as to the amazing power (strength) of the human spirit, and the unimaginable pain humans can endure.

*I suppose my next question would be, should ALL persons' thinking about suicide,
seek out medication that can somehow diminish or block those thoughts (mental pain & sadness)?
Or is working through the pain (fixing the identified problems or issues causing the pain), more effective without medications?

*(Obviously this question does not apply to those who already have a known mental illness that requires maintenance medication for normalcy, regardless of life's events).

And since I've heard of people who died by suicide that were on anti-depressants, I'm curious if there really is any medication effective at blocking out suicidal thoughts?
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I could be living in my own little realist world, where discrimination is rampant, but no longer exists in the workplace,
but I must ask,
who would want their employer to know, that their illness is due to mental illness (E.g. Severe depression or suicide attempt),
and feel comfortable returning to that same workplace?

I'm fairly sure the FMLA-Family Medical Leave Act, requires ongoing physician documentation regarding the specific details of the illness.

Plus, I certainly would not want to pursue a wrongful termination suit, if/when mental illness required hospitalization.
It would be too easy for them to claim that your current mental status prevented you from adequately performing your job duties.

(Fortunately, I am self-employed and don't have to deal with corporate politics anymore). But I remember many years ago when I was wrongly terminated due to a hospitalization from a complicated pregnancy during the first trimester, (they did not know I was pregnant and an unscrupulous nurse in the emergency room told one of my coworkers),
and their lame excuses (I would be out too long), seemed enough, that no lawyers wanted to get involved. I held a very high level administration job at another hospital at that time.

As many of us has figured out antidepressants may not work. It is a total crap shoot and it takes time and effort to find a combination of meds that help. Even then it may only help a few symptoms. My meds help the physical effects of depression. Fatigue, feeling weighed down and slow, it helps the focus and help being able to think and function. When I was depressed without meds I found it hard to think and do my job, not because of my job but the operation of looking at something, taking inputs and being able to form a thought. Mood stuff, hopelessness and similar symptoms the meds have not helped. There are a number of people who took their life and we're taking antidepressants. They obviously did not help them feel better and get out of depression.

Feeling sad is a natural emotion and healthy in a lot of regards. It let's us know of something we don't like and is a contrast to joy that let's someone experience a range of emotion. Life events can cause and should cause sadness. From the disappointment of dropping your favorite ice cream on the floor to experiencing someone very close to you die. It doesn't necessarily mean you are depressed.

Sadness from depression is a lot more painful. It persistent and often doesn't have a reason to exist. There is something wrong when you wake up you immediately want to curl up in a ball and cry, or throughout the day you cry for no reason and feel unrelenting sadness that greatly impacts your life.

I think everyone thinking about suicide should evaluate these thoughts and determine if they are powerful enough to and cause distress in your life. Having a suicide thought doesn't always mean taking a medication. Therapy or counseling could help, or even talking to a loved one and trying to figure out if there is a reason why you feel this way and a way to resolve what is causing these thoughts. With depression there may not be a good reason or anything that is easily or fixable if you don't have the skills. Depressions hallmarks are feeling worthless, sad, hopeless, and those are emotionally painful. It isn't a big leap to want to end that pain anyway you can.

My hospital stay was unplanned to an extent. I was planning on going a couple of days later than what I did because I had some vacation time coming. My wife said I told her I couldn't wait until then. I still don't remember a lot from that day. I basically had a nervous breakdown. I had her call my employer for me but that wasn't good enough. They wanted me to call. If they had fired me I would have pursued a wrongful termination lawsuit.

When it comes to filing for FMLA/Disability (short or long term) your employer doesn't know the reason unless you tell them. It goes through their insurance company & then the insurance company comes back and tells your employer that it was approved. That's all they are told. Unfortunately in my case my manager has some what of an idea. I went to a local mental hospital and it is well know throughout the city as a mental hospital. When I had to get my doctor's note saying I was under their care it had the hospital name & logo on the note. Although it was never stated why I was under their care my boss isn't stupid. He still doesn't know the exact reason I went though.

The nice thing about the few acts that government has to protect us is we can use them to help out situation. FMLA will protect your job and requires your employer to make reasonable accommodations. You don't have to say what the cause is because you are protected from disclosure of your medical records by HIPPA. You would have to have a doctor provide proof and many employers may not take your word that a task is not reasonable for you to do. You don't have to disclose why, just that your doctor doesn't feel it is in best interest.

Again the accommodations have to be reasonable. If you are a roofing installer and break both of your legs then there isn't a reasonable way they could accommodate and person would be unable to work.

Mental illness has a lot of stigma. I have not told my employer about my depression in fear that it may have unintended consequences or I may be past up for promotions.

It can be a very hard judgement call. If you broke you leg than it is easy to say I cannot safety go onto a ladder. If your depressed it may be harder to explain why on someday it takes you much longer to complete tasks.

I have done a lot of suicide attempts, I guess about 50 of them. 5 ambulance rides. 7 days in the ICU. One sectioning. A couple of voluntary psych hospitalizations. Scars on my throat and wrists. Stitches.
Last suicide attempt almost succeeded - if my parents had gotten home and found me a couple of minutes later, I wouldn't be here.
I feel disappointed after each failed attempt. I'll succeed one day.

After each time I woke up I kept thinking "I didn't kill myself.. I failed, I'm not even capable of giving up" I felt angry and ashamed and more miserable as you can see.
Then later, after failing several times, I chose another way of giving up, which was simply not doing anything. Not killing myself, not responding, not hoping, not feeling, not thinking, just nothing. Survived the passing days as a robot waiting to run out of juice.
Just recently a friend of mine told me "Live your life to the fullest, this is what we have, all we've got is our lives. Don't waste it without living it. Try to be happy and try to feel because that's exactly what makes us alive."

My perspectives were altered! Why did I spend those years without enjoying my life? I'm not sure about afterlives, but if there was nothing waiting for me when I die, wouldn't I be blowing the only chance of "living"? If you're asking "What's the point of living your life to the fullest then dying to find nothing?" Well, at least you're happy, at least you didn't miss out the great things you could do with your life. Again, all we've got is our lives, so don't waste it.