[Aardwolf]

There seems to be no escape from this feeling. I can't put it into words, but the feeling of experiencing everything but nothing at the same time.

I feel powerless now.

Why should I keep fighting. Why, after I've failed so many people, people who were important to me, people who i cared for and couldn't keep safe, or save.

Was any of it really worth it, was any of it ever going to make a difference and change something for the better. I never had the chance to find out.

I miss them, i miss me.

[wiretwister]

no words ...

[MtnTime2896]

Like above, I have no words. I just want you to know I'm here and listening.

[Aardwolf]

I didn't realise how much worse I've got until I read this again this morning. I didn't know how much i had deteriorated without realising. I don't know at what point that I changed from fighting with every ounce of my being to just existing and nothing more.
Every single day i feel like I have to justify who and what I am otherwise why else should I be here.
I can't explain at what point I went from surviving to being suicidal, I was on the phone to sams for 3 hours yesterday, but it almost feels like a hollow victory.

Why am I so broken that I require validation from others to prove that I still should keep going, why do I not have the strength to stand up to myself and say 'you're cared about, you're worth it'

I'm seeing my gp later. I'm scared and I'm frightened of what might happen from seeing him.

I don't know how, or want to accept myself for who I am.

[MtnTime2896]

I need validation from others because there's no worse enemy to me than my own mind. Could be conditioned and/or a manifestation of depression. Both of which are possible and could be for you, as well. Those small victories, they keep a person going because...well, they just do. I don't have an answer for that. I've never had answers.

I do encourage your honesty with your gp. It is very often not realized we are in pain until we are allowed to look in the mirror and see what we've become. "Look in the mirror and ask your soul if you're alright" (Twenty One Pilots, 'Before You Start Your Day'). When you receive your answer, you receive choice. I hope all goes well with your gp. Update if you wish or it is possible.

[Aardwolf]

I was meant to see my doc today at 11, I got there and after waiting for an hour I was told that my appointment had been cancelled as someone else more urgent had to be seen. They wouldn't even let me have two minutes with him.. No one is answering the pdocs number at the moment either, which probably isn't thier fault. I don't blame them as they're busy people and I'm sure they have much more important things to be doing them listening to me banging on about my problems
Honestly I don't see the point in bothering to try now.. I finally got the courage to seek help, despite it being the last thing I wanted to do, and it scaring the life out of me as to what would happen. and I get knocked back as I'm not important. I asked if I could stay for a while to see if he became free and they said I was not allowed to. I told him on the phone last night that I had spent hours on the phone with sams and that I was still feeling suicidal. I don't currently have a crisis team as I had made a lot of progress last year and truth be told I didn't really need them. Now I do, but I can't magic them out of nowhere..

I feel lost. Feeling uncared for is nothing new for me, but it was the complete lack of any real apology. Saying that, even an empathetic tone would have don't wonders and stopped me feeling like I might as well link arms with the dustbin outside as it would be a fitting pair I think for me.
I want to seek help, but it feels like every time I try then I get knocked back or told that it's not serious and that, in a word, I don't really matter.

I know I am not, but I feel so alone.

[whisperingskye]

I'm sorry you had to go through that today could you try making another appointment for tomorrow or something? Please don't guve up because of this. You deserve to get help with this

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry this happened.. that was rude Don't give up yet. Try to make another appointment.. I know it's hard but if you did it once you can do it again! You're strong

[wiretwister]

Originally Posted by ACQPL

I know I am not, but I feel so alone.

I speak for myself and many here ... you are not alone ... you will never be alone here ....

what happened to you should never happen to anyone ... I had an appt canceled ... it really does hurt ... and when you are already hurting ... it is unspeakable ...

posting helps to heal ... please don't stop ... pm if you like ... here for you friend ... Tigger.

[Fuzzybear]

I'm sorry

No words really.. but yeah, an empathetic tone would have done wonders for me too
I'm not sure which I am, surviving or just taking up space
I would like to think that they want to help us, irl, but my experience hasn't proved that this is the case - I'm familiar with sams too
(And dustbins )

"In a word, I don't really matter" - you do matter

Originally Posted by ACQPL

I was meant to see my doc today at 11, I got there and after waiting for an hour I was told that my appointment had been cancelled as someone else more urgent had to be seen. They wouldn't even let me have two minutes with him.. No one is answering the pdocs number at the moment either, which probably isn't thier fault. I don't blame them as they're busy people and I'm sure they have much more important things to be doing them listening to me banging on about my problems
Honestly I don't see the point in bothering to try now.. I finally got the courage to seek help, despite it being the last thing I wanted to do, and it scaring the life out of me as to what would happen. and I get knocked back as I'm not important. I asked if I could stay for a while to see if he became free and they said I was not allowed to. I told him on the phone last night that I had spent hours on the phone with sams and that I was still feeling suicidal. I don't currently have a crisis team as I had made a lot of progress last year and truth be told I didn't really need them. Now I do, but I can't magic them out of nowhere..

I feel lost. Feeling uncared for is nothing new for me, but it was the complete lack of any real apology. Saying that, even an empathetic tone would have don't wonders and stopped me feeling like I might as well link arms with the dustbin outside as it would be a fitting pair I think for me.
I want to seek help, but it feels like every time I try then I get knocked back or told that it's not serious and that, in a word, I don't really matter.

I know I am not, but I feel so alone.

[Aardwolf]

I'm still picking myself up from what feels like a proverbial beating that life has given me.. I'm not in a good frame of mind for logical thoughts. I'll try and sort out the doctors soon but the energy required to pick up the phone is tremendous.. What if they're trying to tell me that I'm right, that I'm not really worth the battle, and to feel better and to function and to live again.. If they are, why should I keep doing this to myself

[wiretwister]

Originally Posted by ACQPL

I'm still picking myself up from what feels like a proverbial beating that life has given me.. I'm not in a good frame of mind for logical thoughts. I'll try and sort out the doctors soon but the energy required to pick up the phone is tremendous.. What if they're trying to tell me that I'm right, that I'm not really worth the battle, and to feel better and to function and to live again.. If they are, why should I keep doing this to myself

give yourself time ... time to recover ... time to just gather your ducks in a row ... we all have doubts and demons eating at us ... and we all must decide what we are willing to endure ... to suffer with ... to work for ...

when you reach that decision of where you want to go (become) ... then the only question is how to get there ....

but you must decide that you want it ... fix that in your mind ... and know you can ... and never... never doubt yourself again ... the question is not can you do this ... you can ... the question is how ... your answer is out there somewhere .... it can take a lifetime to discover that .... but you can not take that first step until you truly believe you can ... and I know you can ... and you know you can ... Tigger.

[Aardwolf]

One foot in front of the other.... one foot in front of the other.. one foot in front of the other

I think I know my destination, its figuring out the directions that is giving me a headache at the moment.

The other issue is the destination can sometimes become dynamic and fluid, which does not help I know. It's my own fault, not the docs, not my friends, not anyone on here.

[TerryL]

I remember you had guilt over a friend's death a while back. were you able to talk to someone about that? I am sorry you are having a hard time right now.

[Aardwolf]

I don't want to feel this any more. I can't deal with the presure from all the expectations, from all the desires, from all of the people and personas Why cant it all go away for just one moment. One day is all i'm asking for to feel at peace with myself and to understand what it happening in myself and where it coems from.??

I'm sick of the voices fighting for the space in my head, feeling my heart torn to pieces over and over again, being told what i'll never become, always being knocked back, loosing the peropl i love and care for feeling this pain over and over it never ends. I have no purpose Simply existing is not , i can't go back to the lifeless prison which was in that drug state of mind with no thoughts, no ideas, no way to think in the way

Ring ring ring - no one answeres, 'I'm always here' to help" but when i try its a tone that never ends. It's the lights that are but they go out when you look for them

Its a green stop sign with a fluffy edge to make it seem safe, but it's not. It can't be, i was alwauys told it was never safe, so why do i think it is ? It shouldnt make sense like this at all

Laughing at this thing of a "human2 I have somehow found out here in the trees and the shadows of thought, it's a dark place.. it doesn't scare me any more. i've done it again, i've broken one of the last promise that i made to myself and all the other people, but what if theres no one here to check the choices that i make - does it then not mattwr anymore

[Aardwolf]

Terry - Apart from a councillor who i couldnt bounce thoughts off properly, no

[wiretwister]

Originally Posted by ACQPL

I don't want to feel this any more....

Ring ring ring - no one answeres, 'I'm always here' to help" but when i try its a tone that never ends. It's the lights that are but they go out when you look for them ...

it doesn't scare me any more. i've done it again, i've broken one of the last promise that i made to myself and all the other people, but what if theres no one here to check the choices that i make - does it then not mattwr anymore

it does scare me ... I have no answers but I will always listen ... you always have an ear here ... I too do not want to feel this way anymore ... I too do not know how to change ... but you have a friend here ... Tigger.

[Aardwolf]

I am sorry, i don't wish to make people worry. I was not in a good place. I'm much more stable today then I have been, but it still feels like i'm on a knife edge.

I literally cried at dropping a spoon today...

I will get to my GP soon. I've had another talk with Mind today who have been really helpful and have invited me to come to the local branch in person.. I'm not sure if i'm ready for that just yet though.

[Aardwolf]

I just spent over an hour on the phone to samaritans . I think I'll make it through another night. I am not thinking good thoughts at the moment. I am still fighting this overwhelming feeling to just let go of everything and everyone

[TerryL]

I am sorry your councillor could not help you much. I am glad you found support with the Samaritans. what is Mind? did something trigger you recently? what or who is putting pressure on you and what do they expect of you? who is putting you down? what is the green fluffy stop sign? sorry for all the questions. I hope you don't mind. you don't have to answer if you don't want to. I care.

[wiretwister]

Originally Posted by ACQPL

I just spent over an hour on the phone to samaritans . I think I'll make it through another night. I am not thinking good thoughts at the moment. I am still fighting this overwhelming feeling to just let go of everything and everyone

please sleep well ... remember you have friends here ... friends that care ... you are not alone ... nor will you ever be ...

[Aardwolf]

I keep telling myself that I'm not alone. I need to figure out how to belive it, it's proving difficult to accept.
Mind is a charity in the UK providing mental health advice and resources. They're good for long term assistance rather than short term crisis management.
I'm the one putting pressure on me and putting myself down, noone else is doing it.. A lot of suppressed memories have come back from when I was hurt when I was younger which is giving me a proper hard time at the moment.
The stop sign I'm not sure.. I think it was a reference to suicidal thoughts at the time.. I was not 'all here' for that particular post..
I didn't expect to make it through last night.. Another day in this hell

[TerryL]

I am so glad you reached out for help. I am sorry for the pain you are in. have you ever talked with a t about what happened to you when you were young?

[Aardwolf]

No.. I've kept that locked away for a long, long time. It's only recently been coming back out and popping into my head at very inopportune moments.

I'e been off treatment for over a year as I had started lying to my doc about what i was feeling and how I was. In hindsight it was one of the stupidest idea's I've ever had.

I just wanted to be normal again, to live, to feel something and to be happy.

I'm seeing him Friday morning after landing myself in A&E again last night. I'm so scared about what's going to happen. He knows by now that i've been lying to him.

[MtnTime2896]

It still comes down to the fact that you're going to be getting help. That's what matters.