[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I really don't care:

Natural
Murder
Accidental
Suicide

It's all the same. End of life. End of pain. End of misery. End of chaos.

I'm tired of it. So tired. Tired of being the patsy. Tired of being the "emotional punching bag". Tired of being the strong one. Tired of being the one with all the answers. Tired of being the "bad guy". Tired of being the "wrong one". Tired of being the "perfect one". Tired of being the one to make sure everyone is happy. Tired of being the one who always fails. Tired of being the one so full of contradictions in my life that no one believes, sees, nor understands. Tired of being the one that has no one and yet needs everyone but is told she only deserves herself. Tired of being alone. Tired of hurting. Tired of being hurt. Tired of caring - or even trying to care.

I'm just tired.

Death - death would give me rest.

[pegasus]

You don't want death, what you actually want is a solution, a respite from the emotional pain. Please be safe.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by pegasus

You don't want death, what you actually want is a solution, a respite from the emotional pain. Please be safe.

Thank you for saying this bc I can tell you care - but I really do crave death.

The difference is I am not planning to do it or imagining ways I could. Those would be ideation. I am not there - yet. But cravings - yes, I am there. If someone were to break into my house and tell me they were about to end my life - I would not fight them..as long as they did not also harm my dogs or my husband. If I felt my car become out of control n there was nobody else about - I would let it run its course. If I knew I was medically dieing, I would just allow it. Suicide though - I cannot "yet" do, but the end result - IF successful, would be the same, so in that way would not matter.

This is what I mean.

I have become so tired, I no longer care for life.

I agree with Pegasus.

It actually goes against human nature to actually crave death. In your post you mentioned several things that you dislike dealing with, so it sounds like you are really just wanting a way out from the suffering.

What if these feelings and situations you suffer through were to go away, and you actually felt content about life? At that point death would likely not be on your mind anymore. Honestly you sound overwhelmed, and I would encourage you to go to the emergency room or call a crisis line if you feel you may act on these urges to escape. Remember, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It is hard to believe while you are in the thick of it, but it DOES get better.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

As I told Pegasus - I have no intention of acting upon or even planning out anything.

But I have been through this so many times - I really don't see the weariness going away even if the circumstances do. Many thing go against human nature - but yet happen anyway.

I understand you want to believe my words cannot be true.

But I also know sometimes truth is accepting what you don't like. I mentioned the things I did to explain. I did not mention them to give the impression I can simply "take a nap" or "wake up somewhere else" and everything will be just fine. I am a realist. Last time I went through this it lasted 28 years.

I do not have that in me anymore. I simply don't. I also don't have it in me to fail at suicide. But ... let death come for me any other way - I am up for it.

That's how I feel.

[markdl]

I hope things get better for you. An elf should be enjoying life! Praying for you.

[CepheidVariable]

Oh Crypts, I'm sorry. I came back from an evening that really burned me out, so I don't have much right now. But I'm going to say something. There's enough emptiness in the world.

So here I am, for whatever that's worth. And I'll be here tomorrow, hopefully with a little more to say.

[Onward2wards]

I agree with Pegasus. People want real world solutions to real world problems in their lives! Too bad we don't always get actionable advice.

((( Crypts )))

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Why is it people want to listen to themselves and how they think someone else feels rather than the one trying to express themselves? I don't understand that and find it very aggravating. It's why I shut up usually.

To me - it's like if the first person says "help! The sky just turned red!"
The other person looks up and says "no it didn't, you just think it did - but its really blue"
First person says "no - its red" - and points toward the setting sun
Second person says "ahh but look, its really blue" and indicates the space around the setting sun

First person is afraid of the setting sun for whatever reason - we never find out bc the 2nd person was too lost on convincing the first person how "wrong" he was

[WishIWereAStone]

Crypts, I understand. I welcome death, I'm not chasing it but I wouldn't run from it either. I saw a movie this weekend and a character died from a heartattack, I thought " Lucky SOB" I am also a Christian so I know where I am bound after death and I would so much rather be there than here. I understand the exhaustion, the never ending trudge through a seemingly endless mire of hopelessness with no site of rosey future. I hope you find a sunny spot in your day today and hold on to it tightly, sometimes it's the little things that give one more day meaning.

[Fuzzybear]

I understand...........

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

Why is it people want to listen to themselves and how they think someone else feels rather than the one trying to express themselves? I don't understand that and find it very aggravating. It's why I shut up usually.

To me - it's like if the first person says "help! The sky just turned red!"
The other person looks up and says "no it didn't, you just think it did - but its really blue"
First person says "no - its red" - and points toward the setting sun
Second person says "ahh but look, its really blue" and indicates the space around the setting sun

First person is afraid of the setting sun for whatever reason - we never find out bc the 2nd person was too lost on convincing the first person how "wrong" he was

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by WishIWereAStone

Crypts, I understand. I welcome death, I'm not chasing it but I wouldn't run from it either. I saw a movie this weekend and a character died from a heartattack, I thought " Lucky SOB" I am also a Christian so I know where I am bound after death and I would so much rather be there than here. I understand the exhaustion, the never ending trudge through a seemingly endless mire of hopelessness with no site of rosey future. I hope you find a sunny spot in your day today and hold on to it tightly, sometimes it's the little things that give one more day meaning.

Thank you.

Thank you for understanding me. I too am Christian. I really though have issue resolving if since I am craving death as I am if I would be placed just outside heaven (as I was in a former experience) able to see n hear those in heaven, but not interact - or actually enter heaven - once I die, if I were to die welcoming death in this way. Problem is though, at this point - either of those fates are better than this. You did make me chuckle a bit though with your comment about you thinking "Lucky SOB" - only bc I can relate.

See - for me, the reason I feel this way .. I went thru 28 years of abuse (ages 12-40). But ... During that time was also mom's n grandpa's death (age 12), attempted molestation (age 14), sexual harassment to the point of fear for physical safety (age 16), first rape (age 16), forced to give up child through no fault of my own (age 18), second rape (age 18), victim to armed robbery (age 18), 3rd rape (age 19) .. Those things developed depression, anxiety, PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder in me. Now, I bounced around from one abusive relationship to the next so it was not like I just decided to remain planted with one person. Depression was a constant, there was never a time without it. Meds only ever made things worse, and counseling was a joke.

This is how my psychological cycle went with me when I was for me when I was being abused:

Depression
Abuse
Anxiety
PTSD
Borderline Personality Symptoms join in just for good measure
Psychosis set in
More abuse to intensify it all
Just as you think its going away ... Big slap of depression
More abuse

28yrs of that

Got a 3 year reprieve. Thought it was done n I could finally enjoy life.

Now its back. I can't do it.

How long this time? Is psychosis coming back? Will it go away just to come back again? Am I just going to live a life of misery?

No - I am too tired. I don't care anymore. I don't care if my problems miraculously fix bc they may also miraculously screw up again. I'm exhausted. I won't kill myself not bc I am afraid of hell. I don't believe suicide is a one way ticket to hell. I won't do it bc I believe God decides if you actually die or not. I have seen too many cases the person should not have survived and did. The last thing I want us to survive n have bodily misery to go along with my emotional misery the rest of my life.

So yes - let death come for me, but I will not come for it.

I will welcome it with open arms though.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I understand...........

Thank you for understanding
*hugs*

[magicalprince]

Hey Crypts, that sucks. You've been through a lot. I hope things get better for you.

[pegasus]

Hello COTM, your post has been on my mind. I see some anger in your responses here and I have to say that is good! That means you still have some fight in you! People are concerned, it's only natural. I don't know you that well but you always come across as caring of others, perhaps too much in the sense that it takes a lot out of you. You are sensitive and you've been mistreated to say the least.

I do understand your sentiments and that feeling but YOU are a valuable person and your time is not up yet! I've worked with terminally ill patients and I can tell you it's awful. Don't wish for life to be over! You obviously have more to give and experience.

Please reevaluate what is going on in your life. Make changes so you are no longer treated like a doormat! Go back to your mental health team and get better medication and psychotherapy, you deserve the best. Let the thoughts run but don't let them take over! Please, get help.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by pegasus

Hello COTM, your post has been on my mind. I see some anger in your responses here and I have to say that is good! That means you still have some fight in you! People are concerned, it's only natural. I don't know you that well but you always come across as caring of others, perhaps too much in the sense that it takes a lot out of you. You are sensitive and you've been mistreated to say the least.

I do understand your sentiments and that feeling but YOU are a valuable person and your time is not up yet! I've worked with terminally ill patients and I can tell you it's awful. Don't wish for life to be over! You obviously have more to give and experience.

Please reevaluate what is going on in your life. Make changes so you are no longer treated like a doormat! Go back to your mental health team and get better medication and psychotherapy, you deserve the best. Let the thoughts run but don't let them take over! Please, get help.

Thank you for caring and attempting to hear me this time. I spent 14 years with mental health care. The benefits it had were it taught me relaxation techniques n coping strategies. Other than that - nothing. I went through countless medications n dosages - Xanax helped anxiety but they refused it after a time saying they can no longer give it to anyone. Nothing else ever worked.

I know how to do relaxation techniques.
I know the coping strategies.
I still use them.

I found essential oils help.
I can no longer afford them.

I found exercise helps.
The place I live makes it near impossible to exercise so I get little to none.

I found eating certain ways helps.
I can no longer afford that diet to remain healthy as well.

I have been a CNA working with long term care patients - caring for them while they slowly die. It would be better to know there is eventually a release to the torment.

Helping others actually allows me a distraction from my own thing for awhile as well as allowing me a bit of an outlet to get out some of my stuff in a more discreet way - so it is a good thing for me, not bad.

I still maintain - death is something I crave.

[pegasus]

Give me a while, I want to write back....

[pegasus]

Right, coping strategies are great but ultimately you need to deal with the true reasons why etc. Listen, I had 6 yrs of therapy and it was worth it because I no longer feel like you do. You are someone who feels deeply, I know that because you've cared for the dying.

Do what you need to do to make things right for you. You are a strong woman, I know this because I've seen it in your previous posts. It is time for you to do what is right for you. Not ending your life! Reclaim It!

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

That's just the problem. When I told my counselors my problems - their answers were "that's in the past, get over it" or a similar phrase - and then a new coping strategy or old one n relaxation technique.

I don't want "to" end my life - I simply want my life over.

Thank you for saying I am strong. ❤

[WishIWereAStone]

Crypts, I completely understand everything you have said. You have endured a lot and the thought of having to endure more is unfathomable , I get that and I am right there with you, even though I haven't gone through what you have. I am glad that I made you chuckle, not everyone would to something like that. I understand that when financially you can't do what everyone says you need to do makes it even worse, it can seem like the hole is getting deeper and deeper. Keep talking to me, we may not have traveled the same path but we are at the same point now, I am going to friend request you and I hope you accept.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by WishIWereAStone

Crypts, I completely understand everything you have said. You have endured a lot and the thought of having to endure more is unfathomable , I get that and I am right there with you, even though I haven't gone through what you have. I am glad that I made you chuckle, not everyone would to something like that. I understand that when financially you can't do what everyone says you need to do makes it even worse, it can seem like the hole is getting deeper and deeper. Keep talking to me, we may not have traveled the same path but we are at the same point now, I am going to friend request you and I hope you accept.

Thank you for reaching out to me.
You have a kind and gentle soul - even if, like me, a bit injured. ❤

[WishIWereAStone]

I don't think we would be here at this site if we all weren't a bit injured, I usually consider myself a broken toy but injured sounds less disturbing lol

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I don't think any of us are "broken". We still manage to "get by" even if its by "our own set of rules" and far from being "comfortable". Injuries are not comfortable either - and they force a person to adapt to doing things differently than others. That's why I choose to say we are injured. "Broken" to me implies no longer able to attempt to adapt. Even people deem "not able to function within society", are able to attempt to adapt to their personal situation. Someone who is broken - would need to be someone in a comatose state or vegetative state with absolutely no chance of recovery. Does that make sense?

[WishIWereAStone]

It does make sense, however I don't really feel like I am adapting much, I feel more like I am barely treading water, taking in mouthfuls from time to time but never going completely under but wishing I could just stop and allow myself to sink.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Adaptation doesn't happen overnight. It's a process. It takes an amputee awhile to come to terms emotionally with the idea of only having one leg. It takes them a bit to learn to use a prosthetic as well. There are stumbles and frustrations and errors are along the process - until the "right fit" is made for every piece of it.

How to cope mentally with the loss of the original leg
Healing the surgical wound to fit a prosthetic
Getting a prosthetic that is the correct style, shape, size, and has the features that allows for the most comfort.
Learning how to best manipulate the prosthetic for each task throughout the day so your day is easiest.

This is how an amputee adapts.

They may then even look into groups or activities designed specifically for amputees.

See... in some ways each of us are similar to an amputee. Only our "prosthetic" is not physical. It comes in the form of mental health care or alternative therapies. But our "loss" is equivalent - you just cannot see it as well because the brain is internal rather than external and our losses deal with differing parts of our brains. So - we must come to terms with the loss. Then be "fitted" with the right "prosthetic". (Aka: find the proper care that is best suited to you and your needs) Learn how to "manipulate the prosthetic to make our lives easier." (aka: use what we learn in our care to make our lives flow easier)

Then we may decide to join groups and activities designed specifically for people with our "losses".

Does that make sense?