Overwhelmed...

i wouldn't change a thing about her

Oh, my!! I'm keeping my fingers still on that one! LOL

Sorry 'bout that. I'm high on grandkid love right now. OOPS! hehe Two of my grandsons were over for a while.

You've got me curious as to what song was playing on your radio the other day. Here's three ND songs with girl's name as the title. See if it's one of them, will ya?

Cracklin' Rosie

-Sweety Caroline

- Cherry Cherry

I'm especially partial to Cracklin' Rosie.

Uh? September Morn is by Neil Diamond; why wasn't that the one playing that reminded him of you, SeptemberMorn? LOL



Ah, grandchildren. I don't get to see my two for Thanksgiving; they're going to the "other" grandparents. But we have them most of the time; saw them just a few days ago.

perna: i played sept morn in my mind all day... that wasn't the song i heard... thats probably why i can't remember the exact song... "sept morn" just drowned it out...

sept: k... but i can't get back to you til mon. at the earliest on that... the comp at work has no speakers! and they haven't hooked up the net at the house yet... next wed...

Probably Juliet, from "Love Songs" :-)

http://www.amazon.com/Juliet/dp/B000W1AHXC/

Or, better yet, Desiree! From ". . .12 Greatest Hits, Vol. 2"

http://www.amazon.com/gp/music/wma-p...000025RD001005

No rush, Hon. Just curious.

OMGosh, Perna!! I have the tape that particular version is on!! He sings "Teach Me Tonight"! Ta die for!!! SIGH!!! (Calm down, girl! EEESH!)

I used to be a fan of ND's and I really liked his music, then. But since he's not a hot trend anymore, I had stopped listening to my old records. Maybe I should start again. There's a certain quality to his voice that touches me.

You know, though? There's really something unique about an early september morning. The song, well... what can I say, I really, really like it although that isn't why I chose the nick. I was born on a Sunday September Morn.

I had never heard "Juliet" before.

"Desiree"... OMG!!!

Whew... it's getting warm in here...
That driving beat! Yeah, Baby!! LOL

Ahem! Talk about "overwhelmed"!!

Perna
SeptemberMorn

you spoke of abandonment issues on the dream thread in general... seems i'm struggling with that one too... don't know why... just saw my father this summer... there is no love lost there...

see my mom everyday.. no love lost there..

maybe its in my society i feel abandonment? yeah, that one i think... question is, did i abandon them or did they abandon me? is there really any abandonment? or is it really all just in my own mind? i think i know the answer... it is... and it's all in my own heart as well... so why do i choose to feel this pain?

Lots of thoughts and emotions went through me as I read your post. Let me give it a few so the thoughts and feelings will settle, then I'll try to answer as best I can, ok?

something interesting happened since i posted this... at work.. 3 women, at different times, picked up on my place of mind... and helped by trying to help... but i'm ok, got the customer face on... no fights today... the smile is still there even through the pain..

sure september... i've got time...

heh ... the moon... half-full... seems the moon is never half empty...

Yeah, the moon wanes (kind of like John?) that's sort of half empty isn't it?

hmmmm... didn't think of it that way... just has phases in my mind... those phases affect me powerfully...

John is waning? sorry... i don't understand...

John Wayne?

oh...

Ok... try this on for size. This is from my experience so it may not necessarily fit you alltogether...

It's my belief that we all have a bond with both our parents when we're children. Somewhere along the line, something goes wrong, probably words, actions, or lack of actions, that hurt us so much so that we withdraw from that bond... maybe after time.

In my experience, the abandonement I suffered through my mom's INaction of protecting me is what I've been focusing on since therapy.

Just about an hour or so ago, I realized that my issues of abandonment also extend to my father... er... sperm donor. He made me fall in love with him... as a man, not a father, and then left us. He was always in and out of my life since I was born so I hadn't given it much thought all this time.

So... that abandonment is a two-edged sword.

As an old woman, there are times I still cry "I want my mommy!" But I've realized that when I say that, what I truly mean, is "I want the mother that SHOULD HAVE BEEN, not the useless mother I DID have. She cared for me outstandingly physically, but was found quite lacking in the emotional department.

Darrel, IMO, somewhere along the line, your parents must have abandoned you in some way the way mine abandoned me. That's why there is "no love lost" there. I have carried the pain of that throughout my life. I've found ways of dealing (coping mechanisms) with the rejection. I've learned to keep my heart "safe", in my thinking and my own actions... or both. (I abandoned society to protect myself.

I've tried! I've tried to live a "normal" life, to believe in love (because I feel it intensly), I've tried to be a good friend, to give even if I don't receive. I've learned to look for it to come back to me from other than the sources I give it to.

My expectations always seem to be set too high. I've lowered my expectations of people (in my head), but this stupid heart of mine always winds up, at the very least, disappointed.

That's why I'm cynical about true love. My heart wants to believe it exists, but my head tells me BBZZZZZ!!!! WRONG!!!!!

Perhaps that's why I'm still where I'm at now. At my age, I feel it's too late to go looking, once more, for the real thing. Enough of the pain! But at the same time, I'm hurting myself, too. I'm allowing it to continue, but...

But...

Take all this for what it's worth. See what fits, keep it if you want, and discard the rest. I'm willing to keep discussing this, though, if you are.

nowhere tries the fit ... ok, so its a ladies head... but it's staying on there...

what is it worth to me? you're a woman who's known me awhile... someone who took her own time and felt her own pain, once again, to help me in my hour...

this is where the changes we've made really shines September.. the old me would feel the need to defend and stake his own validations with some sort of platonic fervor... today i just want to be helped and that is how you've put this here... to help.. Grateful is one of the biggest words i know... and it's not big enough to describe the thanks i feel

sept said:
It's my belief that we all have a bond with both our parents when we're children. Somewhere along the line, something goes wrong, probably words, actions, or lack of actions, that hurt us so much so that we withdraw from that bond... maybe after time.

but my issues w/mom/dad are cured! he cries... no, no they're not... but nothing can change the past.. there's no one to blame.. there's only reasons... its the hand i was dealt, so i'm trying to play with the cards i received...

nothing will unhandicap mom; nothing will take back the words my dad spoke; nothing can change the crippled relationship i have w/my sibs.. no amount of talking or crying... no pain i put them or myself thru will change the way it is... we get along now... that's all i can hope for...

but if i'm following your train of thought correctly you're saying that those feelings of abandonment were seeds that extrapolated onto my relations with society... ok, i can see that...

mom and i still catharsize each other... she doesn't want to personally i don't think, but she loves me and wants me to feel ok... she worries... so every now and then we have a discussion about "that"... i can't take it very often and i try to intersperse better times between us, to remind us both of why we're doing it... it can be paiful but it gets better too...

i think you've given me a key again... when "that" is healed, it will be like a new beginning with the next issue.. society abandonment...

all while i've been sitting here today, and customers come and go, i'm trying to take my time with each of them... see each of them as an individuals.. related to what i said above when i bought "you" a soda... these are real folks.. not money... they've had their roads like i have... how do i know they're not feeling or have felt something like i have today/yesterday/tomorrow?

what gets me is those times when it IS about me for awhile... the job doesn't allow that... and its hard putting on the mask... been doing it for 29 years now... and sometimes when i watch the news or watch a group of people and some of the things they do and inside i just feel its so world-wide hurtful though it seems just a small thing to everyone nearby.. i just want to scream... because we are all hurting.. more and more everyday...

thanks again September...

Hey Septmber Morn, I can relate to what you wrote. I think lots of parents don't really know what all should be said and done with their children. We get the phyical care, with clothing and food, but the nurturing part falls to the wayside as we grow out of the baby stage. In my case I have come to understand that my crazy grandmother ruined any chance of a bond between my parents and I by the abuse and lies she piled on me. From age two to nine, I was told how no one really wanted me and I became unsure and untrusting of everyone. To this day I am still afraid to really trust anyone. And at 54, I still want my mommy. Saying it makes me cry too, and I am not sure if I will ever be put back together again. But I am here now and being here at PC, I feel safer somehow. And I count you as one of my on-line friends. Thank you for sharing your sadness and pain, and your courage.

Darrel, I'm sorry. I didn't bail on you purposely. My internet went down and stayed down for a while.

but my issues w/mom/dad are cured! he cries... no, no they're not...

It seems to me I've heard that before... somewhere. It's good to know that you've admitted that to yourself.

but nothing can change the past.

You're very right! But I've found there are things *I* can do to change my feelings of the past and not keep acting out like I did before I learned that there was something what I could do.

In my quest for peace, understanding, etc., I read a lot of self-help books. One that I could almost say changed my life is "Homecoming: Claiming and Championing the Inner Child." Just the title can be off-putting, but... I've always had a tender child for little ones, so possibly, that inner child was the one that made me reach out, grab the book and take it to the checkstand. Maybe she's the one that made me read it, despite the fact that the author discourages reading it if you suspect sexual abuse. Not me! My family of origin were good "Christians". They wouldn't have done any of that! NOOOO! Detect the sarcasm?

When marriage therapy failed, I stayed with that T and told her I wanted to work on myself... which we did for ten long years.

What I found out in reading the book and asking my T to stay with the method used in the book, I learned that I could do something about my pain from the past. I learned that I could re-parent myself, to be the parent that I had needed and had failed me. I learned to listen to the wounded child inside of me. I learned all the signs the child was showing me that she needed attention, love and validation. Of course, my T helped enormously with the re-parenting and such, but truly, it was me that did all the work.

The temper tantrums I had, the anger that motivated all of my actions, including good, sound projects, getting things done, were all my child screaming at me that boy was she PISSED at all the injustices done to her. As with any child, I had to sort it out when she screamed at me "I HATE YOU!!!!!!" A child doesn't really know what they are saying. They don't know the meaning of "hate." They just know it's bad... and painful.

Even today, last week as a matter of fact, when I was ticked that my boundaries were being pushed, dented and bent; it was the child that was rebelling. I had been neglecting HER needs!

To sum this all up; You better learn to take GOOD, PROPER care of yourself because no one else will. No one else knows exactly what YOU (and your inner child) need.

Digest this, dear Darrel. Ask questions, argue, whatever you need. Take it or leave it. I'm here.

PS My honest opinion in the past has been that Neil Diamond was using bad grammar... for whatever reason when he wrote, "Weve traveled halfway round the world To find ourselves again."

To find "ourselves"? Nah... to find "each other" again. But right now... it fits. "to find 'ourselves' again."

Thank you, Bow! I'm honored to be considered your friend.

Ah, grandmothers! Aren't some of the "special"? NOT! Mine was a real work, too.

"I am not sure if I will ever be put back together again.

Maybe not completely, IDK. I know I'm not all back together yet, either, but I'm sure a lot better than I used to be!

Read what I wrote to Nowheretorun. I'm sure, if you are open, you can get something out of it, too.

Oy vey! I didn't "settle" before I posted the last time. I left out some important points and in re-reading, oh, the typo's! I'm sure you'll understand what I was trying to say, and if not, please ask away.

"what is it worth to me? you're a woman who's known me awhile... someone who took her own time and felt her own pain, once again, to help me in my hour..."

I didn't address your gratitude. That was rude of me and I'm sorry.

Darrel, when I think someone is worth my time, my thoughts and emotions, I don't find it difficult at all to give those things. Truly, with all my heart, I don't feel as if I did that much at all. I thought you were worth it "back then" and even more so now. Just want you to know that it was no sacrifice. It was easy. I wanted to do it. I do highly regard your feelings for what I can do to help you out in any way that I can.

As for you taking care of your mom, you are to be highly commended for it, especially if you really do feel that there is no love lost between you. There are so many disabled old people forgotten in rest homes or left in the care of a stranger. You're stepping up to the plate. You're meeting your responsibilities head on. Whether you're getting something out of it or not doesn't really matter. To me, that's one of the signs of a real man. "It is more blessed to give than to receive."

"the old me would feel the need to defend and stake his own validations with some sort of platonic fervor... "

I kept that in mind, remembering how I set you off the last time. Didn't want to do it again. I hurt you and how can anyone expect to have someone else understand when you're hurting them at the same time? It's not easily accomplished.

When the sting of your words wore off, as well as my own anger, I became cognisant that we had exchanged pain for pain. Whether you realize it or not, you taught me a valuable lesson back then. It took a while to sink in, but eventually it filtered to where it was supposed to be.

If you could only know how blessed I feel at this moment. How often is it that people make this turn around and allow themselves to be vulnerable again to someone who has hurt them or angered them in the past? Is this what they call "forgiveness"? I don't know... not sure. But whatever it is, it feels good!

I'm so glad you came back, Darrel! Even if I did dodge you at first.