[KittyBaby]

I attempted suicide the other night. I really wanted it to work. It didn’t. I ended up in the hospital and now here I am. It was the one option I thought would work/I thought I had so now I’m stuck. I don’t want to live but now I have to.

What makes you choose life? Aside from the generic “I have kids” or “I wouldn’t want to let down people who love me.” I have such a deep pain that I wanted to escape. How do I live with it? How do I become okay with living with it?

[rebeka]

Kittybaby, dear, I'm sorry for your pain and suffering so much that life isn't worth it.

When I was suicidal about a year ago, there was nothing to stop me from killing myself.
But, now, my life is better. I'm happy. and I never would have imagined being happy.
and I am so thankful that I didn't commit suicide.
maybe that can inspire you. right now, all you wanna do is die. but in a year or two, you will be happy.

Another suggestion is to look into religion. religion gives meaning and purpose to life.

Good luck with everything!

[mote.of.soul]

Hi KittyBaby, hang in there please and stay very strong. So sorry life is so difficult. It's a real pain in the a.ss, let's face it. (((Hugs!)))

Have you looked into spiritual things? Because sometimes spirituality can give a person a different way to look at life, and can give a person hope to continue on. That's been the case for me, to an extent.

And I'm sure everyone whose read your post can understand what you're going through. You're not alone friend.

Keep posting and keep reaching out, please. Cling to life - it's for the best in the long run.

[Mopey]

Oh my poor baby - is there anything you can communicate? Anything, no matter how small, that you can share? What is this awful pain about?

Anything? Please don't give up...

[Skeezyks]

I see this is your first post here on PC, KittyBaby. So... welcome to PsychCentral.

What I can tell you with regard to this is that I've done what you did... twice so far. I also have one of those deep pains you referenced... presumably not the same one... but one equally deep I suspect. I guess part of the reason I'm still here is because I'm married & my wife has no one else. (I know that's not what you wanted to hear. But it is one factor.) On the other hand, that hasn't stopped me in the past.

Ultimately, I think what this comes down to, at least for me, is something I think is akin to how alcoholics stay sober. Every day they simply make a decision not to drink. And, likewise, every day I make a decision not to try, once again, to end my life. Some days it's relatively easy to do. Other days it's excruciatingly difficult. I have, for some years now, been a student of the writings of the Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön. Pema teaches the ancient Tibetan Buddhist practices that are referred to as "Lojong" (mind training.) And it is these teachings that have been of the most significance to me in my efforts to keep going day-in & day-out. Chief among these teachings is what is referred to as the practice of compassionate abiding. Here's a link to a mental-health-oriented description of the practice:

Relieve Distress By Allowing It: Compassionate Abiding 101 | Mindset: Perspective Is Everything

And then here are links to 2 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of how to survive suicidal thoughts:

How to Survive Suicidal Thoughts

Change Suicidal Thoughts by Asking "Says Who?"

Please take care. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[fallaximago]

Hi, Kitty and everybody. I believe Skeezyks has made some very valuable suggestions. I will follow them myself. I also believe that you should probably investigate religious and philosophical traditions, both religious people and philosophers have searched for purpose and meaning for millennia and while it's a neverending research it might be worth pursuing. You might discover you agree with a philosopher or with a religious school of thought and that might help you. That's the advice I once got from my therapist. I hope this gives you something to consider, at least. A big hug from me

honestly for me it's about the realisation that this is it, this is all their is

I'm not going to kill myself, be reborn to another mom and live my life diffrently- so though I have tried 5 times, I think ultimately I'm not ready to actually go. their are things in life (small things) that I'd miss. even as simple as seeing the birdies outside my window.

I thihnk that's what I'd say to you- is try and find small reasons to get up in the morning, even things you're not ready to leave behind... like for example, even a nice warm bed- when you're dead, you won't have that luxury. you'll be somewhere cold, probably wet, and I imagine dirty.

but seriously.. little pleasures in life
being able to spray perfume and smell like lavender, or rose, or what ever.... when you're dead you won't smell no where near as good as that (I imagine, well, I don't really want to imagine)

even being able to touch the floor with your toes. it sounds a little thing, but being able to touch the floor with your bare toes and feel how cold and how hard it is is another simple joy in life

[MtnTime2896]

Honestly, nothing holds me here but others.

I suppose, if I didn't have them, I wouldn't be here.

But I didn't always have them. For a long while it was just me alone and isolated. What kept me going then? I found an outlet: writing and making music. Did either thing make me want to live? No. But it gave me something until I found a true reason to stay.

Keep talking, it might help.

[Fuzzybear]

[MickeyCheeky]

((((KittyBaby)))) I'm so sorry you're struggling so badly. Please, remember that things CAN get better... I know it sounds hard to believe now, but once you've reached the bottom, you can only go up. Please, try to hang on to that. Try to find some distractions... little things that you can do everyday... and also remember to talk here and to vent, if it can help you. Do you see a therapist? I'm so sorry you're suffering

[splitimage]

I've attempted SU in the past, unsuccessfully obviously since I'm still here. I'm kind of like Skeezyks in that living is a day to day thing for me, where each day I make a decision to live for one more day. What keeps me going, is that SU now feels like giving up, that it would be letting the universe win, so it's kind of like I want to live, just to prove that I'm strong enough.

I also found therapy invaluable, along with finding an understanding psychiatrist who got me on a good medication combination.

Hang in there. With work it can get better.

splitimage

[piggy momma]

I am sorry you're struggling so much. I was where you are as recently as April. I was so angry it didn't work. I still am. So, I get it.

I guess at some point you hopefully find a spark of hope that keeps you going. And you learn to live minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I think for me, the major reason I am still here is because I have an amazing therapist. He's the only person in my life who hasn't bailed on me or betrayed me in some way. So I try to trust in him, and believe him when he says we can work towards change.

At the end of the day, who knows if I'll make it or not? I know my chances now are probably greater than they were six months ago, but I don't handle crisis well and who knows what the future holds. But I can't let the future, which hasn't happened, be the reason I bail now.

I hope you can get some proper treatment to help you thru this hard time. Living is hard. But you're in good company and support here.

[SlumberKitty]

Originally Posted by KittyBaby

I attempted suicide the other night. I really wanted it to work. It didn’t. I ended up in the hospital and now here I am. It was the one option I thought would work/I thought I had so now I’m stuck. I don’t want to live but now I have to.

What makes you choose life? Aside from the generic “I have kids” or “I wouldn’t want to let down people who love me.” I have such a deep pain that I wanted to escape. How do I live with it? How do I become okay with living with it?

I'm glad you are okay from the attempt. (((hugs)))

[KittyBaby]

Thank you all for the responses. For your help. I appreciate it. I’m doing the best I can.. I’m just miserable. My life isn’t horrible, I’m just tired of the pain. And tired of having to be fake and act like everything is perfect just so people will like my company. It just doesn’t seem or feel right. I’m tired of it!

Rebeka: thanks for your kind words. I hope I can one day be in your position where I’m glad my attempt didn’t work. I really, really do. I’m so glad to hear you are! Way to go, chickadee.
Skeezyks: thanks for the links. Appreciate them and took my time in reading them.
Falla: I understand what you’re saying but I don’t know if I’d be able to do it. I have a tough time believing there is a higher power I can believe in when so much pain is.. allowed. So much inadequacy. Hurt. Unfairness. That’s why I’ve shied away from it. I admire everyone who’s able to believe in a higher power or religion. They definitely seem to have a healthy way of looking at things and life.
Mickey: at this point you’re not kidding when you say the only place to go is up. I suppose that’s one way to look at it. I hope it’ll help. I do see a therapist but I haven’t been completely open about my feelings because I’m afraid of getting sent to inpatient. I don’t want that. But I’ll have to find a way to do it, now. After all.. she can’t help unless she knows the whole truth, huh? Thanks for your help.

Split image: You mention being glad/thankful that you’ve found someone who’s been able to put you on the right regimen of medicine? That’s fantastic! How do you/would you handle it if you came across someone who made fun of someone who needed/needs to see a psychiatrist? Someone who said that this person can’t possibly have friends because they’re crazy since they need to be on meds. I came across this today. It’s so hard not to take it personally even though I’m not supposed to. That I’m not supposed to give this ****** person the time of day. But it’s hard! How do you cope with it? What do you do?

I appreciate you all.
It’s Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving... whether you get to spend it with family, away from family, or with your work family. I wish you the best.

[fallaximago]

Actually, I don't believe in a higher power, but I'm trying to find something to believe in. You don't necessarily have to subscribe to a Christian, Muslim or otherwise "major" worldview. You do have philosophical preoccupations, otherwise you wouldn't decide that religion is not for you because of all the suffering and horror in the world. I do believe this could help you. In your own time, of course. You should start by focusing on being open to your therapist and obtaining results, then you'll be able to tackle this subject.