[Taonuviel]

I'm really tired, mentally/emotionally particularly, and what I'm saying seems dumb and fragmented. So sick of trying to climb this mudslide... the sun never comes out long enough for the mud to dry so I can make it up. So anhedonic, cleared up some as I came out of the hospital, but it's growing again, and I'm tired of not feeling, or even caring too much. It occured to me yesterday that I don't think I'd care much if anyone I know were to die... that's pretty horrible. It's not that I hate or particularly dislike anyone I know... I just don't care, I'm numb to real feeling. And I feel distant and solitary from any human connection, like an island that's unaffected, half-oblivious to the surrounding turmoil. Entirely on autopilot, living mechanically.
It's so tiring and living feels so meaningless like this.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

[dexter]

Try to hang on to the memory of any moments that the sun comes out. With depression, once the clouds come back it feels like a permanent eclipse and we are unable to remember or "feel" any sense of improvement. If you have even fleeting moments that you notice things are better... you catch yourself laughing or enjoying something for a moment, caring, or just not feeling numb... try to set aside the memory of that, maybe even write it down, so that even if you can not recapture it, you have a record that it was not an illusion or a dream, that there are times when you are capable of feeling better, if even slightly. Work toward more frequent and more extended periods of that.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[dexter]

Or I could have said when life gives you lemons make lemonade, and when the sun won't come out, make mudpies.

But if I said that I'd get pelted with lemonade and mudpies and I'd probably deserve it.

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--http://www.idexter.com

[inkblot]

You know, I read the title of your post and one thing came to mind: Mudslides! (The drink, babe!) I think we all have too much going on and could use a few. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Taonuviel}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[Taonuviel]

<--- Under 21. Heh.
But yeah, thanks for the hugs and thoughts.

It's on my mind that one month ago today, to the moment actually, I was on the phone with a helpline staff member, with the police on their way, ending up in me being hospitalized inpatient and partial up to Friday the 20th. I feel the same manner of unconcern, going through the motions, numbness as I did then, only difference now is that I'm comfortable enough on campus in school that I don't feel the urgent need to stop living. It's not that I'm so much sad, even, I'm just emotionless, and tired. Life feels empty and meaningless, I recognize beauty but hardly enjoy it, living or dying, achieving high grades or failing, maintaining/gaining posessions or losing them all, meeting new people or being abandoned, having my bills paid or falling into a deep pit of debt; they don't mean anything to me. I can't even care much about God besides my intellect telling me He's important to me.
It's like I'm empty.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

[Wants2Fly]

Dear T -- I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad. Is there any thing at all that you remember liking in your past, something that doesn't take much energy, that you can do? Even an ice cream cone (if you're not diabetic) or a fluffy new towel or allowing yourself time to sit and feel nothing and pick lint out of your belly button without feeling guilty about that?

Hugs, hugs.

[Taonuviel]

Thanks... but no. I realized today I don't enjoy anything, or find anything amusing, when I laugh or smile it's because I know I should. I have nothing to laugh or smile about when I'm alone, except for slight amusement at various negatives/ironies... I really don't care about anything. Saw my counselor today, and I think she's afraid for me when I describe how entirely anhedonic I am. It's pretty obvious too, she told me a week ago that something changed and she's moving soon, so I have to find someone else. The expected response should be frustration, anger, hurt, "what's the use?", abandonment, something. But I have no response. I like her, think she's been a good counselor, but I feel entirely unaffected. I'll just go to campus counseling services, I simply shrug to the whole idea, or to any idea. I really am empty inside.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tao}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm glad your back posting but I feel so bad for you! Can you refresh my memory 'cause it's old and doesn't function very well. Are you on medication for your depression??

There is a way out of the dark tunnel you are in! I haven't forgotten how I feel about you, Hun. I really, really care about you. Just can't understand why you aren't getting better.

<center></center>

If you're anything like me, the picture might make you cry... go with it, though, ok? I know the picture is big, but the small one didn't quite make it for me.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tao}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[Taonuviel]

Thank you.
Yes, I'm on two antidepressants and a mood stablizer. They keep me functioning.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

[SeptemberMorn]

Then I would suggest you talk to your doctor. They're (the meds) aren't doing their job. Are you seeing a pshychiatrist? They know more about meds than regular doctors. If you do have a pshychiatrist and he's not making changes to your meds, then it's time to find a better one.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tao}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} There IS a way out!




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[Wants2Fly]

Please keep posting Taonuviel. You care enough to post here. You care enough to recognize that you are in a serious funk. That's not much, I know, just a tiny little atom's worth of caring about yourself and your life.

You've made a commitment to yourself to go to the counseling service and find a new counselor. That's terrific. Please give yourself a pat on the back for that. It takes a lot of psychic energy for you to do that in your current shape.

I worry about you defining yourself as "anhedonic." We are very much affected by the labels we put on ourselves. Once one decides, "Well, I'm anhedonic," then we have to give ourselves permission NOT to be THAT. Do you think you can create a little space for recovery by telling yourself, "I'm almost completely anhedonic." Because "almost completely" opens up that tiny atom's worth of space where you can allow yourself to remember what it feels like to experience lightness, laughter, job. Even if you don't/can't smile, just the lightness of seeing a puppy or flower or baby, or sunset, or whatever you used to enjoy, and remembering that you used to enjoy these things.

"almost completely" gives you permission not to put yourself totally and completely in this category. and to feel that fleeting moment of lightness, should it come, instead of stamping it out by having to remember, "No, I can't experience that. I'm anhedonic."

Yes, it's a word game. But reality is built of words and the stories we tell ourselves about who we are -- as individuals, as groups, as nations.

Please keep posting, T. We care about you here.

[Taonuviel]

So, I forgot all about this, but seeing "psychiatrist" brought it back to mind. A week ago or so I decided I was uncomfortable with Eskalith and the uncertainty of lithium blood levels, and didn't think it was making much difference, so I decided to start lowering myself off it. Yeah, yeah, dumb, but I'm independent, and doctor appointments are a hassle. Only took it down 1/3, though, from the remaining 3/4 of what was originally prescribed but lowered by my pdoc. Maybe that's affecting me, I can't remember how much I cared before that. Seems like I haven't really cared since this thing first came on 34 days ago, like all that's changed is the formerly urgent need for suicide. But I just took the prescribed amount again, so I'll see how that goes.

Heh, actually, I'd never heard the word before, it's what my pdoc labelled me, said I was the definition of anhedonia. I don't mind, though. He said it in the context of trying to get me to care. I just like knowing what this is called... it's very weird. Except mine's beyond normal anhedonic depression, it's present without the usual major fatigue, utter hopelessness and worthlessness, helplessness, self-loathing, feeling trapped, sadness/crying spells. I don't care enough to feel those, all I feel is what I think I should - if I'm like this, I should feel frustrated and depressed about it, upset enough to cry, and I near that, but only because I tell myself I should, I don't really feel those ways. It's very weird - ambivalent anhedonia, I guess.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

[Wants2Fly]

I don't know much about meds, other than the ones I take and why. I hope the full dose helps and that you will stay in touch with your prescribing doctor to be monitored.

One of your expressions about how you think that you *should* be feeling a certain way because you are anhedonic and not others exactly captures what I was trying to say without saying it as concisely as you did. We start to use the definition to define who we are and *should* be. I think the definition is helpful if it helps one to understand what the path to recovery might be.

I have been reading about depression, and how the way out is a kind of jagged upward line, with periods of feeling "better" and period of falling back. This helps me to have faith that I am going to come out of this thing during the painful fallback periods. I hope that learning to understand what anhedonia is and how to cope with it will help you.

[Taonuviel]

It's not that I think I shouldn't feel anything because I'm anhedonic, it's that I really don't feel anything, though I should.

I'm recognizing dangerous thought patterns today, I'm starting to tip from the I-don't-care-either-way middle of the line towards the I-don't-care-but-I-think-I'd-rather-die side. My thoughts are bordering on the desire to suicide that last got me into the hospital. This makes me anxious, not because I want to live or fear dying, but because I have to make a decision to seek help or embrace suicide, and my choice affects others.

I need to set up an appointment with campus counseling today, so that'd be a good time to ask for help. May as well I guess. Death is always an option, may as well keep life as an option as long as I don't care much either way.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...

[SeptemberMorn]

If I might interject something here without disrupting the flow of the thread...

Something I learned in my years of therapy is about being my own "critical parent." Every time I said "I should..." I was critizing myself or the way I thought or felt. Changing the word "should" to "need" or "would" changes the dynamic of what you are telling yourself.

"all I feel is what I think I should - if I'm like this, I should feel frustrated and depressed about it, upset enough to cry, and I near that, but only because I tell myself I should, I don't really feel those ways.

REWORDED: all I feel is what I think I would - if I'm like this, I would feel frustrated and depressed about it, upset enough to cry, and I near that, but only because I tell myself I need to, I don't really feel those ways.

Hope you consider this and that it helps.




<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>