Sliding down a slippery slope

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I'm so sorry for each and every loss you all had to bear and continue to bear. It's a very heavy weight. Knowing we can't fix it.

I lost my sister and best friend in 1997, but there was a closure between us and I felt close to her just by tucking the blankets in around her or bothering the nurses for her morphine because it was 1/2 hour late.

She passed before she learned the devastating truth that her little nieces, whom she loved with all her heart, had lifelong beliefs that their mother wasn't me, it was Jean (my ex's now wife). They have nothing to do with me, don't contact me or write me. I only know that the 26 year old is living in Calgary and the 23 year old is somewhere in my part of the country. It's been 8 years since they've moved back to where I bore them. I've heard people telling me, just wait until they have a baby, then they'll come around. They told me all kinds of stories with hope, and were wrong.
I'm crumbling, I'm numb, my heart aches, I just can't find a reason to live anymore. It's been 10 years since I've even seen them (I saw them for an hour in 1998). I can't hope at all now. I can't fight anymore, I don't have any more ideas to wipe out all the mind controlling of 2 childhoods. I hate myself. The long history started in 1987. They don't even keep prisoners in jail for long. I'm in prison of my mind every day. I can't find a group for people like me.

((((((((((( peej )))))))))))
im so sorry you are hurting so bad right now. Losing a loved one is something no one wishes for. but unfortanutely that is how cruel the world can be at times. i have lost many to suicide and i know what greif feels like. and so do many others here at pc, and we are all here for you. please feel better soon.
pm me for anything
sending safe gentle hugs your way

at the ages they are maybe you should try to make contact? maybe. not really sure how to advise you on this one but know we are here for you anytime. (((hugs)))

Hi bebop,

Thanks very much for your kindness to me. It must be hard to help when things are really tough. As for your question about contact with my 2 daughters, I have tried to contact them on a very regular basis, with the hope that someday they will come around. My older one says she wants total privacy, is remaining in another city with her fiance and just removed her identity from the net. The younger daughter doesn't remember me as well, I expect, as she was only 3 years old when I took the two girls to a safe house in 1987.
I've lost hope since this past Christmas. The rejections are killing me inside. I know they need alot of professional help, but who knows if they will? I will always worry about them, grieve for them and hate myself for being so unloveable.

Take good care and I return the hugs to you and all of the members here.

peej

hon maybe if you can write them some letters explaining the reasons for your actions it might could at least help them know you better. I have watched reunion shows over the years and I think once everyone can know the full story things tend to turn around. I will keep you in my prayers.

Bebop,

I hope you are fine. I needed to respond to the post you sent earlier today.

I have written letters and sent gifts and pleaded they come down south to visit me. It never happened. I had their father charged with contempt of court because he continually ignored the rules. My older daughter called me that evening. She seemed very distant and very angry and basically made it known not to "ruin our family".

That was the birth of the Memoir, which is the story of my life, the lives of my children, their father, and my family and friends. Also, journals and my geneaology, old family photos. It's been years working on the Memoir, which is very emotionally draining. I do a bit at a time. I was consistently sending them birthday cards and gifts for the years when I thought I knew where they were living. All the years since 1987 I have sent cards, gifts and their father declined to sign off on the Government of Canada's help to children of parents with disabilities. They need both parents' signatures to give each child a special trust fund of money every month until they are 18. He just wouldn't allow me in any aspect of their lives. I have been through hell and back because I love my daughters so much that I am willing to endure it. I'm on meds to calm down anxiety and relieve depression.

Some of you are mommies. You are blessed, just as we all are blessed in many different ways. I'm blessed to have Christopher in my life.

Send the kis a copy of their birth certificates with your name on them with a letter requesting time with them. The next step will be in their court. I hope you'll be able to reunite.

Ocean

(((((peej))))) one day they will realize he is a terrible man for keeping them from their mommy. I pray one day soon they will make contact with you and it be positive.

hi bebop,

You are such a dear and show how much you care, I really appreciate it. I've done and said everything there is to say; The older daughter made it clear she isn't interested in hearing more. She had indicated "I will call you if I need to know something". Just seeing how she is backing off from contact, pushing her by giving more unsolicited information would jeopardize things.

((((peej)))) maybe one day she will come around.

Thanks for your thoughts. I guess it's possible, but not probable

Leaves me out in the cold. Guess I'll get under the covers and sleep. nite nite

What would anyone else here in the forum do about the girls,

...If I keep this up I'll be ill again.

Thanks so much for your understanding and the giving of yourself to comfort me. It really helps.

Hi bebop,

Love your bee btw. Thanks for the comforting words and I would like to hope someday they will. I have the feeling that time has almost run out.

Take care xxx

hon never lose hope! it is always there as long as there is life.

hi bebop,

I really appreciate the pep talks because it shows what a truly caring human being you are!

I've lived 2 lifetimes and I'm just so tired of hoping because everytime I do, and they pretend I don't exist, I have to endure the terrible mental anguish only a mother can all over again.... I prefer to be numb and put it on the back burner. Unfortunately I'm not as crazy as I want to be. If I were so out of it I wouldn't feel the pain so much. The girls' relatives have been very supportive when someone from my family bumps into them. Their auntie and cousins are so devastated at what "he" did.
I can't think about it any more.

Thanks again,

I understand hon. I am here anytime you need me.

peej, I know that children mean everything to a mother. I have two teenage sons. All throughout my childrearing, my ex-husband lied to them about me. they didn't know what to believe. Upon adulthood of my brother, sister and me, regardless of how devoted our parents had been, and the heartbreak, we as children caused our parents, they remained devoted to us. Still, my brother has been very unappreciative of what they have done for him.

I guess, my point to you is that as parents, we do the best we can. Many other influences in life affect our children's final perspective on life's results. They are adults now and we need to look at our own lives now that they are grown. They are now responsible for their own decisions and we have to continue on with a life of our own. Perhaps another youth somewhere might need some loving attention from you. We can do so much for many people and it doesn't have to be only those from our womb.

You have so much to give and so many others may need what you have to give. Life can be an amazing journey. You can decide where you wish to go with this. I hope you can fin some answers that will show you how much you can still live for and contribute.