Not sure where to post this... Depressed, scared and confused...

I spoke with my husband yesterday, prior to going to work. I told him that when he asks me how I am - I can only respond with "okay" or "fine" because I don't want to worry him. I told him that it takes everything that I have inside of me to make myself presentable - to show others that I am okay... Well, I'm not okay and I'm scared. My husband is so afraid that he is going to have to bury me someday soon and I try to reassure him that I will not do anything to harm myself! One of my boys is still a teenager and I can't see leaving him or the rest of the family at this stage. I'm 46 years old - I've made it this far, I sure as hell can continue to move forward.

I guess my concerns are:

1. I'm on meds and I'm in therapy... but... things don't seem to be getting any better.

2. I almost feel as if I have treatment resistant depression and I don't know where to turn.

3. My husband wants to commit me to inpatient care - because he just doesn't know what to do anymore. I flat out told him no and of course if it comes down to it - he is a Police Officer and he could very easily get me to the hospital (without my cooperation). If I go to the hospital - I want it to be my decision...

I'm going to call my Pdoc tomorrow to see if I can get in early and try to see what options I have. I'm so tired of trying different meds. I have even researched ECT but I don't think that really is an option. I'm a nurse and my job relies on my mind - my ability to remember, to process, to make quick decisions... At my job - it is like I am a different person - I have so much control over all the situations I am involved with, but after a day at work - I am physically & emotionally drained. I swear it takes all I have to make it through my 12 hours. I can take care of others so easily - but when it comes to taking care of myself - forget it...

Do I not matter? I don't know. I just don't know what to do - I want to be happy, I want to enjoy my life, my husband, my sons - everything that there is - I want to stop missing everything... I just don't feel as if I have the strength to get there...

If you have any ideas, suggestions, thoughts... anything - I'really need some input...

Thanks to all, KS

It sounds like you have the right idea, calling pdoc tomorrow. If you explain what your feeling maybe they can help. ((((its_me))))

Not a whole heck of a lot of input, I'm afraid, but I do greatly admire your profession. It must feel good to be able to provide so much help directly to people - I never had that so much in my profession.

Sometimes we don't think things are getting better through therapy or from being on meds, but, you know, I'm not sure I trust myself to make that decision, since I'm such a pessimist. Why not ask your husband or therapist? They might be in a good position to give some examples of better vibes since you started treatment; sometimes it's hard to think of them yourself, you know?

I've never heard of treatment resistant depression, myself, but I'd be REALLY careful with the ECT stuff. It just seems so medieval.

As for enjoying your life, well, if I had the answers, I wouldn't even know about PC , but one thing I like to do is force myself to enjoy little things. I get a nice root beer or some ice cream and make sure no one'll bother me for a little while and just read with the electric blanket on. Stuff that makes you cozy, you know? Doesn't have to be that, just a little bit of "me" time with the stuff that makes you feel more comfort. Think of it as a (well-deserved) gift for your work at the hospital or clinic. It's not, of course, going to work every day or for all day, but it's a good place to start to remind yourself what contentment feels like. It's too easy to lose hope when we haven't felt it in a while.

Try it at least once, so you can avoid even having the discussion with hubby about him having to take you to the hospital against your wishes.

Good luck and I'm sending loving thoughts your way.

((((((((((((its_me))))))))))))))

I don't have much advice, but I'm sorry the situation right now seems so bleak.

I hope your pdoc appt goes well, and that you talk about the many different options out there. You may also want to mention your husband's point of view on things, just so your pdoc is aware and might be able to help.

Perhaps you can get your husband (and maybe yourself) into a counselling session together to talk things out?

Be safe. Hope all goes well tomorrow, let us know how it goes.

you certainly matter its_me....

no new advice here.... practice good self-care... litsen carefully to opinions, consider what is the best option for you to help reach your goals... good self-care....

best to you...

Thanks for the support...

Here I sit, crying like a baby. I wasn't able to get an appointment with my Pdoc - I'm scheduled to see her in 2 weeks - but I really feel the need to see her now - of course she has no openings this week.

I don't know what hurts more - the way I have been feeling or not getting to see her. Pretty silly...

There are just so many things going through my mind and I can't get them to slow down. I see my T in 2 days - but that seems like it is so far away...

I feel so little and scared and I just want someone to make everything all better - just make it all okay. Grow up...!

(((((its_me)))))))

i understand the feeling of aloneness..... you can imagine that we're there with you if it helps... i know its not the same, but in spirit it is and you can still come back and telling us how alone you are feeling.... i hope this message helps you somehow...

its_me, I just finished posting when I read yours. We have some of the same problems and I send you hugs. Maybe asking your husband to just listen and not try to solve the problem. He certainly sounds like he loves you and that is wonderful. You have my support and love......pj56

i know how you feel. i'm holding on too and i'm trying to keep my mind busy but depression is a powerful thing among other things. needless to say you've some good replies here.i hope you feel better soon and that these two days go by smoothly. my heart and thoughts with you.

Thanks to everyone... It's a new day, just sent hubby off to work and allowed my youngest to take my car to school (not like I need to go anywhere). Feeling very strange this morning - my mind is very foggy and my body feels like I've been hit by a truck. Anyway, it is another day and I'll see where today goes...

(((((pj56))))) - just thought you might need that...

And thanks to everyone else who has responded to my cry for help, I really appreciate each and every one of you!

(((its_me))) hang in there...

(((((its_me)))))

I wish I had the words to make you feel even a little bit better... but just know, that you DO matter. You DO deserve to be happy... just like anyone else.

If one of your patients came in and described feeling the way that you do, what would you say? You wouldn't tell them they're just being silly, or to grow up, right? Try taking that compassion you feel for other people, and directing at yourself if you can.

Take a warm bubble bath, buy yourself a treat, take time and read a favourite book of yours. I know these things won't solve your problems, but they're little things that you can do for yourself that might just help you feel a LITTLE better when it seems as though the world is going to end.

I think you're doing all the right things though in terms of talking with people. You have your husband, a T that you obviously trust enough to share things with, you're on meds. Those are all really good things. I know how frustrating it is to have to wait such a long time to get in to see your dr though. Is there any sort of walk-in service that you could go to? Maybe your T will have some suggestions..

Try and hang in there though, you will get through this. And you have us here at PC to help you if you'd like.

Thanks everyone - but I feel like I am hitting the bottom again. Here I sit crying uncontrollably and trying to type - what a joke. I'd laugh if I could.

I saw my T today and I'm not sure what set me off and I'm sure it really doesn't matter. I feel so f******g worthless and what ever little light I had glimmering in - is gone. It's black.

I don't know what to do or where to turn. I just want to curl up in bed, pull the covers up over my head, cry and disappear. But - I've got too many things to do and it doesn't seem to matter that I feel like *****... I still have a life to live, a family to take care of, and a job to do.

The more I think about all the things I "have" to do - the more I just want to scream. I don't know where I'm going anymore.

hope you hang in there its_me... life has strife and can get people down at times... make a list?

whats most important? prioritize? where would you put your health on the list?

You don't have to be in bed forever. I say go ahead and curl up and cry and "disappear" for a little while. Do what you feel you want to, because otherwise the impending stress of the things you say you "have" to do is going to compound your sad feelings. So take a nap, or whatever your body needs. That stuff'll be waiting for you when you're done, yes, but don't let it control your life. Gotta show it who's boss.

Get hubby on board: have him take over the stuff you need to do for a day or two (maybe even consider taking a day off work, if you can), explaining that it's temporary and it's for your own healing process. You deserve the escape. Our lives get too complicated to control if we don't wrest the reins away every once in a while.

*hugs* - keep us posted.

Hi, I just wanted to say I can really relate and hang in there. I have treatment resistant depression as well and it is extremely frusterating. My psychiatrist wants to try all the normal anti-depressants first, but none have worked for me over the years so it's really hard to just "hang in there" until my next appointment where once again nothing will help.

I'm also really tortured by things I "have" to do, they just pile up in my mind and it gets to heavy. I guess what helps me the most is just to take things one at a time. I'll set a small task for myself and once I do that I'll set another. I try to break my day up into small tasks and breaks to relax. It helps because the day doesn't seem so overwhelming.

(Not suicidal or wanting to do any self-harm...)

I can't do this anymore... I give up, I mean I want to shut my mind down and my heart. Whether I live day to day, hour to hour or minute to minute - I can't do it - not for me anyway. I feel so f***ing worthless.

I don't see my Pdoc until the 9th of April - not that she is going to be that big of a help. I've got 2 nights of work ahead of me (fri./sat.) and then on sunday - I'm going out of town to spend sometime with my sister and her family. I will return on the following saturday and go back to work that night & sun...

I'm looking forward to seeing my sister - but sometimes it is hard - because I get memories that flood back in - especially those that I thought had been taken care of and I get set off. I just don't want to hear the "get over it" and "what do you have to be so depressed about' crap...

Anyway, that is all beside the point. I have actually been thinking about disappearing - just not coming back home. Maybe I will just cheange my flight and go somewhere far away - where no one knows me. Like that would make any differnece - it could I guess, I don't know...

I will have my computer with me, so I hope to be able to get on line every now and then. I'm not sure if I'll be posting anymore - but maybe reading some might help me out.

I don't know what or who to live for anymore...

Thanks to everyone for all your words of kindness and comfort...

you should live for yourself everybody is important but you only feel important if u think u are life is an amazing place if u get a good opinion of yourself. i have felf the same and although i dont find this advise helps me but it could help you as you make who you are whether that is happy, depressed or even suicidal and no matter what anyone else says it is you who pulls yourself through it but ending isn't pulling yourself through it is giving up and that makes you feel terrible.

you can pull through this and you have the ppl here at pc to help support you when all else fails. YOU CAN DO THIS DONT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF.