What's wrong with me?

For some time, I have felt this void in my life. I have just wanted to be lovingly held.

I never felt like this before in my life. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have never had a really close relationship with anyone. Now I'm getting this terrible feeling that is ripping into my soul, and I don't understand why, or how to stop it. I do want these feelings to stop, because there is NO WAY I can ever be close to anyone, as much as that breaks my heart.

These feelings torture me.

Whoever created human beings with the need to be loved, should be hung up by their toes and used as a cat toy.

I just want to be cradled and held at night, the loneliness is so intense that I want to scream.

I'm so tired. I don't understand these feelings.

Nothing is wrong with you. That's want I want to. I would love to be held and cuddled and hugged till my insides fell out. It's something that any person wants--to be loved and cared about unconditionally. With me, I have PTSD that makes me afraid to have that with someone. And it's something that I really, really would like to have, too. Sometimes I like to dream what it would be like. And then back to reality I have to somehow try to accept that I can't have that. Someday, it will happen for us both. Only time will tell. I understand, sweetheart.

It's built in to want to be held, touched, cuddled. Some study -- I think from WW 2 -- about infants who don't get held and cuddled not developing correctly or maybe dying. It's important and natural to want this.

((((((((HamsterGirl))))))))

wish it was more

>>Some study -- I think from WW 2 -- about infants who don't get held and cuddled not developing correctly or maybe dying.

I refer to this a lot as it is on my mind because over the last few years it has come to the point where I am no longer touched by anyone, ever. I miss hugs but I don't even get casual contact of sitting near a friend or anything, and I know that I am suffering from that.

No solutions though.

(((((((((((((((hamy)))))))))))))))))))))) I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Lonliness really sux. I have lots of stuffed animal on my bed, and although I prefer someone who loves me to be there, I take comfort in holding them. If you have a stuffed animal, maybe you can hold them when you're in bed.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hamy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

What about the priest at your church? How about your friend that you've mentioned? Even a small dog that you could manage would help tremendously.

Many of us that live with depression have the need for contact because we seem to isolate ourselves so much.

Doug lives 5 hours away by car. Asking for a hug from a Catholic priest could be awkward, to say the least. I have 3 cats, but they aren't the type of cats that jump in your lap and snuggle.

Besides, there comes a time in one's life when you want human contact. For years I have lived without it. Now suddenly, I want it badly. It's like I'm aware of all those years that I was without human contact and I'm feeling all that pain with a vengence.

Doug said to allow myself to feel emotions. Now I'm yearning for the days when I didn't feel anything.

I remember the time when Doug held my hand last month during an exercise in forgiveness. I'll treasure that moment. I miss him beyond words. But I won't tell him any of this because it will only upset him, and he only responds to happy e-mails and he doesn't get those very often from me.

At least the pilgrimmage made me happy, for a brief, shining moment and that made him happy. Now it's going to be going back to silence again.

He's my friend, but he'll only talk to me when I'm happy or when he's so ticked off, he has to respond.

It's pointless to tell him I want to be held because he's five hours away, and I'm so painfully shy, I can't let anyone get close to me, as badly as I want it.

My first intimate encounter with men were with doctors. They stripped me down to my underwear, pushed and pulled on my legs until they snapped and put me through horrific operations. There was nothing romantic or special about any of this. I just wanted to be left alone by them after that.

The only other man I was close to was my father, and he screamed at me. So, you see, the odds of my getting intimate with a man during this earthly life are very remote. I have a better chance of getting up out of my wheelchair and walking around on my own two feet than of having a loving relationship with a man.

I'm in the same position as you are when it comes to the touch department. And I never realized how deeply I suffered because of it until now.

Hamstergirl,
I feel the same way you do. In my last post, I mentioned how, with the exception of a rapist, I haven't had any physical contact since late May. And even before that time, my so-called boyfriend expressed no interest in even wating to touch me except for that one rare occasion in May, which was nothing more than a quick cuddle on the bed. The lonliness of having no physical contact whatsoever is excurciating, and at times I feel like it is literally killing me inside. You know you're bad off when the brutal, painful touch of a rapist is better than nothing at all.

I just want you to know that we're in the same boat, and I feel for you just as much as anyone here. I hope one of these days we can both find what we're looking for.

(((((((((((Hamstergirl))))))))))))))

I always seem to find people who like to hug. There are huggers in AA, in
Religious Science and Unity and the Sufis I know are big huggers and even have a little ritual in which hearts are supposed to exchange energy. It's hard for me to get completely comfortable with it bec. my family is not touchy feely, but after 20 years of contact with people who are more naturally warm than I, I am glad for it.

And since all the bad stuff happened in my life last year, I often fall asleep hugging a 50 year old stuffed Lassie from my childhood.

For all of you:

Thanks for the Garfield hug! That is outstanding - we all need to hug ourselves more often. Most of us with depression tend to hate ourselves (or, at least to not like ourselves very much). My T is always telling me to hug myself and hugs himself to demonstrate. I will print up this cartoon and take it to him next week. I take in something funny or meaningful every week to share with him. Thanks again!

I have stuffed toys too. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't help.

It's like I don't exist at my church sometimes. When the Peace of Christ goes around, it's like I'm not there. The depression and the shyness and the wheelchair make it ten times worse than it has to be. One of the things I can handle, with difficulty, the shyness. But the depression and the wheelchair are here to stay.

The sad part is, 90% of the parishioners don't know me like you people on-line know me. If they did, it would be a far different story. On here, one can see my intelligence and who knows what else. My intelligence is all I think I have going for me sometimes. Some people would think, looking at me, that I am mentally challenged. I think the urologist thinks that, because he's using smaller words around me.

It's nice that he's not speaking doctorese, but I should tell him that I graduated from high school with an 80% average and I have a 127 IQ. Then again, most of the handicapped patients he's worked on could have been mentally challenged, so he can be forgiven, a little.

It's annoying all the same. With this and to have people "inspired" by me. Whatever for? I sit at home and collect a welfare cheque each month. Or are people inspired by the fact that I haven't killed myself yet? I would be upset by that one, anyone would.

I haven't really done anything with my life except sit at home and sleep for 11 years. Then again, people's expectations of me are so low, they are just stunned that I am not in a group home, as I am continually having to explain to them, to my great annoyance. (I get annoyed a lot, you may have noticed.)

Feel free to be inspired by me when I have completed my fifth novel, or earned a Master's degree, not for my mere survival.

BTW Doug and Father Lindsay would laugh at anyone who even suggested that I was mentally challenged for a good hour, then they would let me take them to the cleaners.

Thanks pebblypoo! I love Garfield and I love cats!

What was wrong with your boyfriend? What was his major malfunction, anyway? You needed him and he dumped you like a bag of sprouted potatoes.

The good men of this world are either already taken or are too old for me or both.

IMHO You were too good for your boyfriend. Someone better will come along, I know it, and not a rapist either.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Asking for a hug from a Catholic priest could be awkward, to say the least.

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I think you're putting limitations on yourself. A Catholic priest seems to me a very good choice to ask for a hug. He would be "safe" and understanding. I'm sure you wouldn't be the first nor the last to ask for a much needed, platonic hug.

I've also gone for years with little or no human touch. I have a cat and granted they aren't as loving as a dog, but don't forget the "animal therapy" that people receive in convalescent homes. It's for a good reason. Maybe I'm different, or I should say, my cat is different because he always comes when I call him. Sometimes he jumps up on my lap but not always. I just bend over and pet or scratch him when he won't jump up on me or lay next to me. Even my birds satisfy that need for touch and they'd rather I didn't hold them. LOL

Take a good look at how you think so that you don't impose more hardships on yourself than needed.

Along the same vein as what Septembermorn has said, I think that these types of statements/beliefs, </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I have a better chance of getting up out of my wheelchair and walking around on my own two feet than of having a loving relationship with a man,

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> are self-limiting, (not to mention not proven as accurate).

How about sending out a different vibe/energy/thought into the Cosmos and see what comes your way. If one is open to the idea of receiving, often what a person needs comes his or her way (sometimes from the most unexpected places and people).

The negative and extreme/fatalistic thoughts don't really do any good for you, and just add to feelings of hopelessness, etc. that then is projected outward when we meet people.

It does take a really concerted effort to turn that kind of 'energy' around, (and I'm NOT talking about wearing a smiley face all of the time; there's a huge difference).

It is true that what you believe will happen, is very often what we draw to ourselves.

Please don't respond by trying to impress upon me the burdens that you carry, for I truly do recognize them. Instead, I would so much like you to talk about how you can open yourself up to love, (from whatever source = like the people here, for instance, because all 'love' counts).

Love goes where love is, and you have a lot of love to give; what kinds of new ways can you think of to be more expressive about the love you have inside? For example, do you smile when the 'Peace of the Lord' is exchanged at church, or do you put your head down and avert your eyes?

How about this. When 'The Peace' is being said, look at people and think to yourself, "she/he is a child of God; I am looking at a child of God = Hello" --- I'd be willing to bet that just by thinking these thoughts, your eyes will automatically convey warmth and a sparkle that will draw reciprocation to you.

Even if you would not feel comfortable asking your priest to hug you -- tell him what you have told us. I think it is a shame that during the 'peace of christ' no one touches you. I would think if your priest is not comfortable hugging you he may be able to talk to someone in the congregation who could hug you. Maybe you could adopt a grandma? I wish I was closer I would hug you, we have times to shake hands and in my church EVERYONE gets at least a handshake. Many exchange hugs.
~D~

((((hamstergirl)))) I know cyberhugs just don't cut it....

I think you are a good candidate for a service dog or even a monkey! Have you applied for one? There are plenty of sites on the internet where you can ask questions... Plus they do things for you... and are always happy for hug. I know it isn't the same. I get hugs now from my aging mother, but it's more for her than for me... it's been so long that I've had regular hugs I don't appreciate them anymore. (Used to be in churches that did hug regularly.) I enjoy hugs from my brothers... but they are years apart.

anyway, a service animal is something you can love... and they love you right back regardless (God help me to be the person my dog thinks I am...)

((((((((((((((((((( Hamstergirl ))))))))))))))))))

I would hug you and never let you go if I went to your church. I would walk back into a Catholic church for you. And I have denouched that religion.. but for you I would walk back in to one just to hug you and let others know you are a very special lady and need that "human contact" that we all so dearly take for granted if we do get it daily..
I would share my little girl with you she gives hugs and kisses esialy.. and she would sit on your lap and cuddle with you and not get off for hours..
She loves to be read to.. so you would enjoy that (I hope)

I hope my stories have helped..
I do care about you, and I am so sorry you are feeling blue.and down, and are not getting what you need out of life, I really am.
I have not been doing so well that is why I have not posted in so long ok.

I will keep you in my prayres ok.
Always,
Lady Dragus