I. Can't. Do. It.. *Trig SI, OD, ED, Sui*

Where did I go wrong? Is it always me that's wrong? Is it my fault? Do I always have to pretend taht I'm ok, to make everyone else happy? Do I always have to give in? Will I always feel this weak?

I hate this. I really do.. And all I can think about is OD'ing, SI'ing, Starving, SI'ing, OD'ing.. It's all going through my head and all I can see, feel, hear is a blur and I keep just drifting out of the place I'm in and I'm scared something's gonna happen..

What do I do? I can't do this anymore

And no-one seems to care anymore.. No-one seems bothered about where I am, what I do, where I go.. Whether I'm even here or not. *sob* I feel like veerything I do is wrong and I just want to give up

Please help me... Somebody tell me it's ok and mean it..?

Please?

I'm so close.. I feel like it's all everyone wants.. me to just fall off the face of the Earth and die..

i certainly do not want you to fall off the face of the earth, (((pnd))). when we are so deeply burdened with depression nothing looks the same. it puts a dark cloud draped over us. do u have a T? if so can you call him/her?
meanwhile keep posting and express how you are feeling. i will listen.

I do have a 'T', but he's the s**ttest T I could have ever known and he's the only one that I've ever seen for more than a few months and I know he's not a good T at all.. He's extremely bigheaded, he invalidates my feelings and emotions, makes me feel stupid, laughs at me.. Tries to compare HIS life to MINE.

Yeah. Like he can do that... I'm very very close to taking that OD.. I have the equipment to do it and I just.. I so want to.. Plus I get money later, so I can easily go and buy more stuff if I need it.. I just want to give up.. I need to give up then everyone else will be happy.. Won't they?

S**t. S**t, S**t, S**T.

I'm close.. Too close and I just.. I need to die.. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for letting you all down, again.. I *sob* I just can't do this. I honestly am so close and I have a backup plan, a surefire way to kill me, but I don't want to say because everyone's watching me and they'll tell someone who's of authority and they'll stop me and they'll get mad at me and they'll section me and they'll scream and shout at me and they'll.. They'll.. Oh. I'LL Kill Me..

(((tpnd)))
you don't have to do this. you can make it. there's hope for you - what about trying another t? there's good ones out there. you can find hope and healing... just breathe and sit with us, there's no rush.

But I've waited for too long, I'e let others down for too long, I've messed with other peoples' lives for too long, I've let myself be broken for too long..

I've been holding on for too long..

I can't hold on anymore..

(((tpnd))) you can. there's still hope, there's help you haven't gotten yet, but it's there for you. breathe and sit, distract, just get through the moment. drop that worthless t and look for another. you can find one, it's worth holding out for. you don't have to worry about others' standards, just focus on what you need and get through this. you can do it.

Just when you dont think you can hold on any longer *grabs hand*
OK.....So....you are feeling bad right??? People giving you a hard time????
Life throwing a wrench in all thats good???? no need to leave us here....time for a pity party!!!! here are the rules...ive had a few myself in the last week...i got this from my mom. and every time i read it (she wrote it herself, not borrowed from anybody) I laugh. maybe we can make you laugh too?
1. Decide what day you will have your 24 HOUR Pity Party as this requires pre-planning

2. Gather the following: a good book, lots of tissue, all the foods you love ... And if diabetic that fit into the plan

3. Call or email all friends and TELL THEM you will not be available by phone or email on ____ day.

4. You must be totally pitiful for this to work and you MUST keep it up for the allowable 24 HOURS.

5. start to cry or scream or wail.

6. Yell, "Why me?" at least 20 times if you need help to get you going.

7. Get naked and look in the mirror. Keep looking until you cry or scream or wail. A poor self-estimeem is also important to a good Pity Party and we don't want to have a BAD one, right?

8.Repeat number 6 as needed.

9. Get back in bed. I have found this to be the best place to feel pitiful. This was determined early in my own Pity Party experience, so just do it and quit *****ing! Once in bed, repeat #6 or try to bring the image of your (ok so mine is really bad)naked body to the forefront. You must begin to cry, though screaming IS acceptable, as is wailing.

10. Begin to read your book. Every time someone is happy, stop and repeat #6. Every time someone is not happy, stop and grab some tissue and have a good cry because you can sympathize ... totally. Feel free to yell at this point because Life is Unfair!

11. Do whatever you want. Eat! Watch tv! insert Cry scream or wail

12. continue to repeat all from 1 to 11......after all. we need the drama right?

If you wake up and it hasn't been 24 hours yet, you may repeat any of the above until time's UP. If you wake up and it's been 24 hours since the start of your Pity Party, it's OVER and it's time to face Life again.

THIS IS A MARATHON, NOT A SPRINT!

You can do this......depression stinks!!!! fight back!!! have a party!!! Ok I know it does not seem right. but you know what??? try standing in front of a mirror screaming why me....20 times....tell me you dont laugh.

I laughed my fool head off.

I hope it works.

Oh good Lord, I will have to try this!! TPND, please know that no harm was meant by that, honest to God I think I will try it someday. ((((((K-))))) if only you could look back on your past posts and see just how strong you are and just how far you've come. Colleen's right--we need time to let it all out, scream, get rid of it, then we can truly focus on our well-being. After all you've gone through, you deserve it. Then you can focus better. You have your moments of clarity and determination, but then a word or look from someone sets you back....you are so caring and helpful, you want to please everyone. I love your determination that you are going to help now. So you really CAN do it. You ARE doing it. You may not want to anymore, and I understand that. But your alternative is pretty darn permanant and I know you don't want that--you can't sing, you can perform, you can't help injured animals. You have such life and spark in you, have your 24 hours straight of screaming and life-sucks screaming and crying. Then deep breath and focus on how you are going to maintain these goals you've set. I'm very proud of you and think you are making big progress.

All i meant by it is, that we all have days where we feel like the bug, and others where we feel like the windshield....(ok bad analogy, but im going for a smile remember?)

I wanted to see that sometimes when we face what hurts us most, we need to break the cycle and do whatever we can to LAUGH. because in our situations, its a serious cycle. And a hard one to break.

On that note, Laughter is the best medicine....Now...go get some!

Please dont take offense at my pity party. It really DID shake me out of the lowest of funks. I just hope it helps for you.

Please stick around!

Colleen

Thankyou for your replies..

I'm seeing Connor today.. Now in fact.. He wanted a kiss and I'm just sat there like.. What the hell do I do? We're supposed to be talking it through, not acting like a f*cking couple! He knows I'll give in, because I'm too weak to say no, I'm scared of making him feel worse!! ARGH!!! I wasn't offended at all by what you said, Colleen, honestly it's fine.. I saw Chris last night and we had a good chat. He's planning on seeing me again today, I think. Wow. Everyday since Saturday night.. Tomorrow evening I have to go to SWEDA and I'm really, really, horribly scared.. But I know that Anita (the woman I'm seeing) is really caring and helpful etc, so I'm going to try and trust her and talk it out..

I cried twice yesterday.. i felt so weak and horrible.. But then I felt a little better.. But it just didn't feel like a release at all, really.. I got a card from Shana (abusive Adoptive Mother) yesterday, she couldn't help but to rub in how much fun MY dog had been having in the snow without ME as I guessed, she'd snuffed the snow and sneezed, throwing it into the air.. I just so wished that I'd been there..

So, I thought it's about time I got her stuck, so I did. I told her i was going to be moving into a flat soon and she was stuck, so said fantastic and she hoped it was nice. So, I thought I'd rub it in a bit more about how well I'm doing Without Her and said "Oh, it's one of the best because it's in the Gold band, so it's going to be lovely" She was even more stumped so just said great and let me know how it goes. I felt proud that I'd stumped her, that I'd finally found the courage to speak up and override her natsiness. But yet.. I still feel the need to make HER and the rest of them proud of me.. To show them that I can be perfect, that I won't make anymore mistakes, that I won't be "stupid and dumb and pathetic" anymore..

I still feel like I have to prove myself to them, like they're important to my life
Why do I bother?

Because Chrios came over last night, i didn't do anything.. But I have money today so it could be pretty dangerous, but.. If he comes over tonight then I may not do anything.. I just.. Oh I just want to give up so much. It hurts too much. It's hurt too much for too long.

(((tpnd))) i used to feel the same way. i'm so sorry you feel that you have to prove something to them. the good news is you don't .
what i learned in therapy was what i was looking for was validation of myself from them. in my case it was mainly family that never seemed to validate my feelings or who i was and had become. with the help of my T i discovered that maybe those i cared about the most would never give me the validation i sought. there was comfort tho in knowing who i had become. so as long as i knew who i was, their opinions didn't really matter. it was difficult at first to use this tool, to not feel hurt by their actions. sometimes i just had to mentally remind myself that i knew who and what i was. i would ignore any mixed messages from them like, "well, you know how ____ is." and it would be sarcastic. as time went on using the tool my T gave me it really didn't matter!!! i was very comfortable with who i had become. as long as i knew who i was, that was the important thing.
i hope this reply will help you in some way. i like you for who you are right now!!

It's an agressive world out there, and so hard to find one's place... But, somebody told me: "when one door closes, there is another one that opens", keep this always in mind; what this one person didn't tell me is how hard it is sometimes to see the open door....

i'm sure you will find your way, we are all in the same boat... i do care, I spend a lot of time here listening, no reading, other peoples worries, problems,mine also, ... so I do really feel I care for others I don't even know. I've become attached to this place, and each day I find it as a sanctuary!

what if you change your T? don't stop until u find someone u feel comfortable with. My deepest regards Rapps

Thank you, Madisgram, your reply has been very helpful.. I do constantly feel invalidated by what they say or do.. I want to feel validated, like a real person, like I am important, by and to, them. I need that.. I've been trying for so long now to try to accept who I am, but all their comments in the past have made me feel liek I'm deserving of more abuse.. Of the abuse i got from my boyfriend.. Which caused me to call for a break in the first place *sob* he never hurt me physically, but emotionally, he was killing me, really, horribly hurting me.. That's part of the reason i took the OD a few months ago.. To get away from it, to feel that I could be away from it, that I could be ok and safe..

I.. I just want to feel like I am a good person, because.. I've always strived to be a good person and have always, always made myself the best person i can be.. I've made some awful mistakes, and I'm not making excuses, but some of those mistakes were because I didn't feel loved, cared about, wanted and others made me feel that, in other ways.. They gave me what I needed.. And then it messed things up..

I'm breaking apart, really I am and I just can't take it anymore.. I'm trying so, so hard.. i have a banging headache, I feel weak, I'm really tense constantly, always orrying that if someone sees the scared, shy, anxious girl I am inside, they'll run a mile and not want to be there as a friend.. So I make myself seem confident..

I'm.. I'm slowly dying inside.. And The more bad things that happen, the more I die inside..

I. Just. Want. To. Be. Loved. Is that so much to ask?

(((tpnd)))
no. we all need to be loved, and deserve it.

just letting you know I don't want you to fall of the face of the earth and die

I want you to get better
hold on
sending hugs

I'm ahsaking so, so mcuch I can bbearely type proplerly. I'm lsojing wit and no-one asctually seems to nieotive taht there'es somethingl wrong and it's arelaly getihng to me and I somnt know hwat to do and onIj'm all pvevr the olkace and I caj't do tihs.

I'm goindg to go tho the shopap and get ghtem. I have to .. I aheve the monsye to doa irrt.. I aeheave to go and eget them..

Spryr.. I'm suhc a waatse of tijme and space and oemergy.. I givweh up.

sorry..

(((((((((((tpnd))))))))))))
how do you know chris? it sounds like he cares about you - that's a bit of hope right there!

stay safe, you can make it.

You are NOT a waste of time or space or energy. Please don't give up. I'm worried about you...

I',m flkeine nwo..

Chris camne oto see me nad he helaped mw to calm downa al little bbti..
Buyt si'm hutjst all over thae place ath tge moemnt. I smieled when he dropeped me ebacj off ojome. To make hism see trart I am ok.

honsets, I'sm difne. I'm fnsine. prkomsise

*hugs*
I'm glad he's there for you, you're not "fine" but I'm glad you'reworking to be by posting here.
It's ok to be all over the place sometimes - everyone gets that way at some point, but remember you can pull it back together

I had another panic attack a few hours after Chris left, but managed to calm down.. Still had awful thoughts going through my head, though, and acted upon them :S I have to see my dr today or go to MIU to make sure that I'm ok.. I took a mini overdose, whilst drinking with friends.. It started as me just trying to get rid of a headache, but once I'd started, I couldn't stop

so.. Yeah, I collapsed a couple of times and I'm really shaky, weak and sick today.. I haven't actually been sick but I'm getting there.. I feel terrible

(((tpnd)))take care of yourself, and feel better. you can make it.

Sorry (((PND))) i didn't see your response until now. can you 'fire" this T and get another??? he doesn't sound very good at all!!! no wonder you are feeling so down.
i wouldn't be happy if you did something to OD. i wouldn't be happy at all. and please don't give up. you could be one minute from success.
hang in there, with us here at pc.