feelings

we try to put balanced words on here. we like to encourage others and know it gets hard for people around us when we get too dark or too deep into our past. nothing wrong with that.

right now our T gets all excited when we cry, have anger and get all emo. any time we break our programming she is pleased and mostly we are too.

it is just that the pain and sadness in my mind is scarily intense right now and it feels like the most permanent reality of my life. pain, fear, aloneness and misery are what i know best. for so long life has been about surviving that i no longer remember fun, freedom, creativity. it feels like this is all there is for me in life.

shoot, i feel so stupid trying to express myself. nobody wants to know what i went through, i'm sick of it, my husband doesn't believe me and my daughters do but i am their mom and will not ask them to carry my load. i hate my own life. words just don't get there. they do not ever express the way i really feel. forgive my crudity, but i wish i could just throw up my past like a bad stomach bug. i am worried that i will never be ok, well, whole. i am so tired of me.

lost in the maze

It is not stupid to try and express yourself. That is something I wish I could do but all I am good at is being negative about myself. I feel that I am not worth having feelings. For so long I was called names for crying and punished for showing feelings. Now when it comes to dealing with my parents and brother it is all about the act. Act as if they care. Act as if the past never happened. Just act as if. It hard. But if I show emotions then they just want to know what is wrong. So I keep things bottled up. Perhaps some day that will change.

I know what you mean about wanting to throw up the past like a bad stomach bug. There are times I feel that way too. Right now I am just trying to live in the present. There is plenty there to keep me busy. dont have time to dwell on the past.

Diana

dear diana and clan,

thank you for sharing with me. i hate that they did evil to you and then have the gall to expect you to pretend to be ok. that is sooo wrong, so cruel. they called me "titty baby" and ridiculed me when i cried over things that made me feel sad. "stop crying or i'll GIVE you something to cry about." grrrr

maybe i should be more grateful that i am able to feel, to be more human. i'd just like to declare a rule that says i get as many good feelings now as i had bad feelings then-yea, right...i KNOW it doesn't work that way but i can wish.

some of us are still very afraid of strong emotions, even good ones. afraid if i get as angry as the past warrants that maybe i will morph into a monster like them. i know with my head i WON'T, but that was one of my biggest fears was turning out to be no better, no different than them. i am different than them, though very far from wonderful. my darling daughters were never given to people to use like lab rats. i won't go there, sorry we brought that up.

things really are a bunch better than ANYTIME before may 2004, i forget that sometimes. i've had to devote most of my life to getting over my childhood and that makes me furious. it also makes me BORING to some people who just wish i could get over it and never bring it up again. what ticks me off extremely is that they don't get it. if i had one million dollars in a suitcase and could exchange it for instant freedom from my miserable past I WOULD RUN TO THE EXCHANGE. peace in my heart vs million in the bank??????NO CONTEST - PEACE WINS HANDS DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

if i am boring you or repeating myself...ooops. it is just so freakin hard to deal with horrified, devestated, hideous, shameful, grotesque nightmarish memories and emotions. AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whoever said the pen is mighter than the sword probably never tried to journal abuse memories. ok, venting over now. i know very surely that many of you have just the same kind of intense feelings and issues. i just somehow thought i was going to be "past my past" before now and farther along than here.

pixies

I can understand why these things would make you angry. Keep talking...............

Hi ((((((((((((((((Pixies))))))))))))))))))

I only have a second, but I just want you to know I SO understand this. Part of me still thinks we can just wish really hard and none of it ever will have happened. I don't get it...like, maybe she feels like she is still there and can make it stop?? I just know that she wants it to be gone, forever, never happened, and really, *I*,big treehouse, feel that way too. It's so painful to not be able to make it just GO AWAY.

Feelings are hard. But I know that feeling my feelings about the one trauma we have processed from beginning to end actually did take its power away.

That was a single event trauma. It's hard to imagine ever getting through the ongoing stuff that happened, but T believes it is possible, and I have to believe T. So, we march on.

I am sorry you are having a hard time...

((((((((pixies))))))))
we have been doing alot of soul-searching in this vein.
it doesn't come easily--healing that is---
we went back to bible reading again and it has helped us.
been reading James first chapter.
Doesn't say we can't have the feelings, and feelings are good.
It isn't good to turn the old messages back on ourselves.
We are begining to realize, for us, that replacing the past messages
with the truth has really begun to sink in.
Perseverence, endurance, Integrity, and HOPE.
Those are our 4 words.

don't know if any of this is helpful.
these are just our thoughts and know we are hearing what you say.

i hope you're doing ok...i hope you find peace

We know all about name calling. The parents would call Diana "Cryana" and use that wonderful phrase you quoted above. It did not matter why Diana would cry it was not accepted.

This too is one of our fears. Lynn and Rage hold our anger. When they are forward it is very scary. They have the ability to harm other ppl and that scares us alot. Rage has not been forward in a long time and that is good but Lynn comes forward everyonce in a while and we ussually end up in trouble of some kind.

We too had hoped things would be farther along then they are. Diana is still not comfortable with talking to any of us but is starting to warm up to the fact that I or Cynthia only wish to help her. It is taking a long time for things to move forward but we are patient.

Hope things are better for you now.

Denise of the Clan

dear friends,

thank you for sharing encouraging and honest words. i wish none of us had gone through such bad stuff.

i wanted to say something nice to you all for being kind and my mind just went kinda boing.... and now it's blank.

what someone really wants to say is that we are afraid we are getting addicted to one of our meds and we are very, very afraid of that. we've been addicted before and it is not good and we never want to go there again but some inside will do things to change our moods, things that are not therapeutic.

i am so tired of being scared, scared of feelings, scared of rejection, scared of addiction. GRRRRRRRR ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY PHOOEY

BAH HUMBUG LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE MY LIFE. I HATE MY LIFE. I WISH I COULD RUN AWAY. I WISH WE CUD SEE OWR T TWO TIMES A WEEK. ONCE A WEEK IS NOT ENOUGH.

I WISH I CUD RUN AWAY.

LOST, MAD PIXIES

(((((((((((((((((((((((multipixie)))))))))))))))))))))))))

emotions are scary .. just wanted to send some hugs and also say I don't think you'll morph into something bad, you deserve to have feelings and express them in safe ways

Again thanks for all your kind words. I seem to be either a geyser of words or numb and mute. There is so much going on emotionally that I have cried every day this week and right at this minute I know it all felt so tragic and intense and now I can't even remember what I wrote or why.

Being so changeable is a drag. My husband worships consistency and married someone with DID - there's the definition of Irony!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DID is weird in how I always feel like I am everyone who comes up and yet as soon as it switches I can't even remember what the big deal was.

I would like to write a long string of cuss words right now from sheer frustration, but I will spare you. Sometimes words seem as powerful as bombs and othertimes it is like trying to paint with water. Meaningless and weak.

emo pixie in a very bad mood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<<<DID is weird in how I always feel like I am everyone who comes up and yet as soon as it switches I can't even remember what the big deal was.>>>


I so know what you mean! I often find that aspect of DID one of the most frustrating. What is real in the moment is SO VERY REAL!! But that can all disappear in an instant.

One of my greatest goals in therapy is to own all of my self all of the time. (Don't consfuse that with integration, by the way!) I just want to have an ownership of all parts of myself, and a consistency in my self-knowledge, acceptance and awareness that I don't possess yet.

Plod onwards, dear Pixies.
You haven't arrived at your destination yet.

PS. Maybe you should give the string of cuss words a try? (I can block little Luce eyes :P)

Isn't that a song?

Feelings, wOh oh oh feelings....

((((((((((((((((((( all the pixies and leslie ))))))))))))))))))))

you are not alone in what you think and feel and we too feel that others think we are in "this " place always too. we often get so flooded with too much emotions and it ames us so angry where we want only to scream and shout to anyone who will listen but there is not amny that want to listen except when we come here and then we know maybe someone will at least answer us and that helps some. we never fed up with you so keep come here and write all you need. we hope you feel better real soon.

safe hugs if that is ok

liz

dear friends in the "club" we never wanted to join,

you all are really great people. as tough as things are for us, you all show so much humor and kindness and depth of character. i appreciate you very much.

last night, or should i say early this morning i wrote and wrote and wrote in my journal on the computer and i finally got some words out and felt better.

have you ever gotten stuck with the tiny thorns on some cactus plants?? they are practically invisible and yet they hurt like crazy and will drive a person wild until they are all out!!! that was what it was like inside of me. things hurting and i could NOT settle down until they all were out.

i am in mid-life revision and having to deal with all the hopes i had that never happened and having to deal with the deep disappointment i feel over my marriage. almost 30 years together and we are practically like strangers sharing the space of our home. add that to the volatile emotions of someone with DID and someone who is a workaholic and life gets darn prickly!!!

i can't say i came up with some awesome resolution to midlife questions, but i remembered that God has helped me get this far and He will help me get through all of this too. i could not have lived this long without God's help, even though some of my experiences with others who say they know God have been hurtful. part of this midlife time has been letting go of my "illusions" about life, people and God. i've absorbed more nonsense from hollywood and novels and tv than i realized. ALL problems do not get solved in one hour and neatly wrapped up no matter how complex! All people who misunderstand me or mistreat me DO NOT "see the error of their ways"! All stories of life do not have "happy endings" and "time doesn't heal all wounds"!

i've had alts who were complete pessimists, some were completely sour about mankind, others were unrealistically optimistic - like "Pollyanna" and a good number simply had very narrow perspectives on life based on abuse or pain or ignorance. sometimes this is more torturous than the abuse we endured as a child. having one's mind in an uproar of confusion and tangles of thought can be horrific and miserable.

ok, philosophical meanderings aside, i am no longer mired in confusion - which is awesome, but i am also no longer filled with unbounded hope either. being less extreme has got to be a good thing, but i am really bummed that i will not get some storybook ending of walking into a glorious sunset with my one true, enduring human love. instead i will continue to live one day at a time, even one hour at a time with both good and bad moments, with boredom and epiphany mixed throughout. the only time of complete healing, peace and joy will come in eternity.

we just HAD to write all that and truly hope we did not bum anyone out too bad. for 95% of our life we have lived somewhere else than reality. coming to grips with real life and accepting it for what it is and it is not is a part of our healing. to survive childhood we read hundreds of books and lived inside of them, inside our system, inside our own mind. we decided, after 55 years of life that we should learn how to live inside of life and stop trying to make a fantasy bubble that would last through the storms of life.

one of the truest things about having a dx of DID is that "DID will save a child's life but ruin an adult's life"! DID gave me ways to escape unbearable pain, fear and insecurity as a little girl, but it has stood in the way of almost all of my goals as an adult. AND SO, that is why i continue to go to therapy and seek help. i want to live at peace in the adult world.

if you are still reading this, bless your persevering nature! sometimes i HAVE to keep writing until i say what i need so badly to hear. i am so glad i found psychcentral and you. hugs,

Leslie and lots of pixies

(((pixies))) pleez dont think yuo shudnt have feelings
yuo need them to live
and yuo need to live cuz of all the good yuo do
and all the people who love yuo
baby & ashes

We have been married for 30 years to a man we thought we knew. It just feels so empty now. We understand your pain and hopelesness and wish it could go away like magic....but there is no magic left.
Has the environment ever looked different, menacing or just somehow "off" to you? That's how it is for us lately. As though there is no place safe and comforting any more. You have every right in the world to swear your head off, get angry, or anything else that gives you some relief.
Feelings can be scary. Any strong feeling sends some of us running, up till now. Now it's like we dont exist inside any more. There are no feelings. As hard as they are, please try to feel what ever you feel with no regret. You deserve comfort and peace how ever you can get it.
Know that we all care.
Susan