continuation of same but different....

it's a long and hard daily struggle, zh. i feel this one for sure. it does feel fatalistic to stray from that hard daily struggle...which makes it harder.

it must be extraordinarily hard for you right now not being able to set aside time for inside. i hope that resolves soon. is there a way that you can set up a safe time a t's office? i think that's very necessary somehow.

i wish you well at finding a new place, one where you can you everything you need to do for selves.

kd

Post deleted by January

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kimmydawn said:
it's a long and hard daily struggle, zh. i feel this one for sure. it does feel fatalistic to stray from that hard daily struggle...which makes it harder.

it must be extraordinarily hard for you right now not being able to set aside time for inside. i hope that resolves soon. is there a way that you can set up a safe time a t's office? i think that's very necessary somehow.

i wish you well at finding a new place, one where you can you everything you need to do for selves.

kd

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> the problem we find with using the therapist's office as safe time is that often many hours to a couple days after a session can be that foggy haze with little memory. if we knew we could set aside time with a guarantee of better memory in exchange for allotting the time we'd do it.........but we know life offers no guarantees other than eventual death.

there had been much improvement in not losing as much time when we were arranging our lives around creating time for everyone's projects. still, not in a controlling vein, we'd like to know that we'd be "present" for the hours of the day we need to turn our attention to financial and housing and medical matters.

we've leaned a lot over the past couple years working with this therapist about creating balance between the therapeutic work and the rest of life. working on a schedule of taking breaks during the heavy work has kept the meltdowns to a minimum. charging full bore doesn't work......nor does ignoring things and hoping that doing nothing will be effective. we've changed the hours of therapy per week over time to better help this balance.

guess we're bemoaning that we can't count on being present when we need to be and that is hard when there isn't anyone else to swoop in and fix our lives. we are it. if we don't make these calls, write these cheques, pack our stuff, etc. nobody else is going to step in and make things better.

the near constant open houses haven't helped our system as the invasion of strangers into our sanctuary twice weekly has removed much of our sense of safety from our home. we can't leave our room in its usual state of art projects and journals out in various states of completion.

meh......phone calls starting. so much fun jabbering with prospective landlords about their $1000 400sf shack with a woodstove and no right angles anywhere in the dwelling.

grump grump grump

zh,
it sounds like you have a great therapist who knows what you need when you need it.
I struggle each day, also, to keep working, come home and manage a family. I'm new to my dx and compartmentalizing is a problem when it used to be great. I've been told that my old behaviors aren't needed anymore but it's this "transition period" that is confusing, overwhelming, and makes me feel vulnerable. Tough stuff. I'm just learning how to handle all of this. What has kept me going through the chaos is making simple lists for myself. I try not to be too ambitious in what I need to accomplish because I find it is not realistic and that sets myself up for failure. Prioritize the tasks and it's tell yourself that it's okay if you don't finish the list, it was just a guide to help keep you focused. As I learn more, I will be happy to share. Your questions are great because I can learn from the responses too. You're helping me, eventhough you don't know it.

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place said:
_zh

I've not been in the position of not owning my house for a long time but I know the security that is felt because of having this safe place.

I can understand the feeling "if I don't maintain I will lose everything". Not in the respect of housing but in other aspects.

I have been giving it some thought and it seems you are doing the communicating and those basics. I wonder...if sticking to the basics ( as much as possible ) could help. In that I mean the "mundane" tasks of day to day living. Laundry, dishes, mopping ect. Trying to focus as much as possible when possible on these all too familiar chores.

Perhaps in this you can reduce stress and limit triggers as much as possible.

I also find that "talking to my self", not in public I may add, helps to keep all "listening" and focused on specific goals and tasks as well as a continued reminder for us to stay on task and complete goals.

Good luck in your housing search.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> thanks for the housing wishes.

we have been having a challenging time with the open houses and the inability to keep our room as we'd like with art and journals scattered about at the ready for anyone to use.

our therapist reminds us that when we make time for everyone we seem to not lose as much time.......yeah.......buuuuuuuuuuuut...........(always a but) lately after therapy we're not aware of what took place in the office and have several foggy hours afterwards or even a day or two.

worried that we cannot afford any days down right now with the clock ticking on housing. a few weeks back we were in bed for days after a session. we woke up late the morning after a session and then the next memory/awareness we had was the end of that day and no idea where the time went or what we did with it. that kind of thing is unsettling but par for course with learning co-consciousness.

unfortunately we're not a trick pony and don't perform on command so lately this idea of being able to compromise within about time seems far fetched. we know that things will change just as they've been changing over the past few years with addition of dx.

we're miserable if we ignore all the work and try to pretend we're okay......that one is too much denial to work! if we try to set time aside and use timers to enforce it we find ourselves hours later wondering why the timers weren't effective.

ramble ramble. been taking calls between trying to answer kd's post and yours. frustrating people with very set ideas of who they want to rent to........college students on mommy and daddy's bankroll.......nevermind they're idiot ppl and terrible tenants.......the guaranteed money is too appealing to some slumlords. oh well. they'll get the tenants they deserve.

choosing awareness doesn't mean you never again draw, write and so on that you can do while unaware. since you can now control if you remain aware or not it means you now can do those things while being aware that you could do while being unaware. The trick is you learn to do them a little differently. You start out by You do them co-consciously.

I Couldn't draw anything but maybe a square or circle. I told my therapist one time - I wish I could draw like Mary does sometimes. She told me if I could draw while being unaware, then when I remember the memories that are separated I will also remember how to draw while being aware. All I had to do was keep trying to remain aware when I got triggered. The memories replayed and I acted the memories out when I got triggered. If I stayed aware while the memories replayed those memorys that changes where they are stored - they will be just like normal memories and when I wanted to draw all I'd have to do is pick up paper and pencil and think about what I want to draw and I will be able to do it. I asked her so Mary's drawing isnt going to stop. She said no. "the drawing is not going to stop, you will just do it differently. you will do it without being triggered and unaware." First you will be able to do it co consciously - when triggered and rerunning the memorys but being aware of the present ar the same time. When you do that the memories are automatically stored in the conscious level just like a normal memory and then you can draw any time you want while you are aware. All you have to do is pick up the paper and something to draw with and like normal draw what you want.

I asked her how to be co conscious. She told me we were already working on that. Every time she asked me to stay where I could see and hear her at the same time tell her what memory I was remembering when I got triggered. Doing that was co-consciousness. So then when I was alone when I got that floaty far away feeling I got out my drawing supplies. At first I couldn't remain aware enough on my own to do this but as I got stronger at fighting the triggers, I also got stronger at being able to control staying in that co conscious area long enough to draw what I was seeing, hearing and so on. I thought it was really weird being co conscious and telling my therapist what I was remembering. It was even weirder to be sitting there seeing my hand like I was in a far away tunnel and knowing I was drawing. The first time I did it I didn't do it again for a month or two. I wasn't scared but it sure felt weird. Now being in that co conscious area drawing doesn't feel weird at all.

By being able to be co-conscious I also have control of how long I draw. I can come back out of that area any time I want. I just put a clock where I can see it.

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iamanne said:
zh,
it sounds like you have a great therapist who knows what you need when you need it.
I struggle each day, also, to keep working, come home and manage a family. I'm new to my dx and compartmentalizing is a problem when it used to be great. I've been told that my old behaviors aren't needed anymore but it's this "transition period" that is confusing, overwhelming, and makes me feel vulnerable. Tough stuff. I'm just learning how to handle all of this. What has kept me going through the chaos is making simple lists for myself. I try not to be too ambitious in what I need to accomplish because I find it is not realistic and that sets myself up for failure. Prioritize the tasks and it's tell yourself that it's okay if you don't finish the list, it was just a guide to help keep you focused. As I learn more, I will be happy to share. Your questions are great because I can learn from the responses too. You're helping me, eventhough you don't know it.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

we'll never understand how ppl do this with a family. but that is the magic of dissociation....we separate out this stuff until the barriers between begin melting and the memories cannot be ignored any longer.

as for us we won't procreate as our view is that when not able to care for ourselves how could we be so selfish to insist upon bringing another human to this planet so we can experience parenting?! that is how we feel after years of near hospitalizations, suicide attempts and near constant suicidal ideation. if we're not capable of stabilizing our own lives then we're not going to subject a child to our instability.

however when disease/disorder presents later in life after the marriage and kids have been born then the adults need to work out a plan that keeps the kids safe as safety is priority number one. for some folks we know with DID this has meant giving up their drivers license since their spaciness and switching left them unable to operate a vehicle safely. sure it is a hassle when one parent loses their taxi status but that is but one component of healing..........learning how to take care of oursleves so that we can be present for others like a husband or children.

lists often are the only way we know what day we're on or if we're near accomplishing a task. we're also a huge proponent of 3M post-it notes.....the super sticky ones especially! bright colours that cannot be ignored either!! not nearly as many missed appts. once we started using post-its in different sizes around the house: on the bathroom mirror, on the computer monitor, the cupboard where the morning mug is, on the fridge, the breadbox, near the tv remote, by the front and back doors................get the idea that our lives require some adjusting from before we had awareness of our dx? but in doing so we lessened the hatred and self loathing that was so pervasive with our system. currently most of these notes are down since strangers have been traipsing through our home for the open houses twice weekly. ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh! we're a bit lost w/o our post-it reminders. we'll be in new digs soon enough so this is only temporary.....we keep telling ourselves

somewhere there is another thread in which we were mentioning not resenting the self. we weren't able to articulate exactly what we mean but it was a huge shift in understanding for us and has allowed us to better accept ourselves.......not just *me* but the totality of all of us that comprise *me*.

it has taken years of trial and error to find the tricks that help us stay on course with healing. there isn't any one way to heal. and no one posting in this forum is an expert other than in their own experience. our experience with dissociation has been more than having an inner child that was neglected. our experience with dissociation has been one of much challenge with our family and personal relationships. our experience with dissociation is that there are many different opinions within the professional field and that what works for you might not work for someone else.

we've found some help here over time but we still have found private membership sites to be more useful for our needs as their rules are more suited to DID and not the broad spectrum of dissociative disorders which seems to be a catch all some places. we're triggered by certain things and appreciate that other boards have separate forums for their DID communities so one can choose what to read and where to post w/o having to sift through the triggers.

learning what works for you and yours and what doesn't will help your path become easier over time. do not be afriad to express an opinion that may not be shared by many. the important thing is to allow expression for your system and to let them know they're being heard and they count. safe expression is something you and your therapist can work on so that no one is being hurt by things said or ways of expressing.

thanks myself. we'll probably just wait for your book instead of reading your posts or blog as most info will be in the book we're sure.

glad you contributed.

LOL Yes alot of the info is in my three books, if I ever get the propoals done you will be able to read them there.

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myself said:
LOL Yes alot of the info is in my three books, if I ever get the propoals done you will be able to read them there.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> we're sure once you get around to finishing them the folks keeping the libraries at the local womens shelter and at the college and university womens centers will be interested in your works. it will be good to have more modern information about DID presented from someone with so much confidence in themselves and their life stories. hopefully in your five year plan, no?

yes it is in my things I plan to accomplish well within the next 5 years.

two months later.....

abrupt interruption to therapy....no telephone...no Internet....in one place while dog is staying elsewhere due to circumstances beyond control

without home...without therapy support....without many things

however still upright and learning one of those repeat-until-learned-lessons: accept genuine offers of assistance from the souls come forth in our lives and do so with appreciation and grace

obviously this lesson needs much repetition for our life/ves

sold as much as was possible during the time available....put all that could afford to in storage....the rest........

life goes on and external circumstances do not define who we are and how we react to challenges.......

continuation of same but radically different.......

until connectivity issues resolved hit and miss and very very alone....

namaste to those in person and those by spirit who have been showering blessings of true survival upon us.....life sure is full of surprises!

_zh,

I am truely sorry all this has happened.

I am sending kind thoughts your way.

Best wishes to you.

_zh
we do hope that things will get better for you.
sending our support.
w_i

zh,
I feel for you in this situation and I send you all my good thoughts and support.
I do hope things get better for you sooner rather than later.
Fuzzy

thank you for the kind wishes and good thoughts from those who popped in.

one never expects certain things to happen in life but life is full of that uncertainty element....

relying upon people to the extent this time was extraordinarily painful and difficult yet NECESSARY for survival.

fortunately years of therapy and building a wide and varied support network helped there to be a larger pool of resources to draw from once the stupid pride issue was knocked aside.

learning that people can be trusted and be true to their word is so very healing and helpful to undoing the years of maladaptive "don't need nobody, don't need nuttin', don't need!" attitudes borne of severe abuse to innocent youth.

wishing for more stability and structure and schedule. rather hard to do with driving all over this wacky coastal state every day just to make the rounds and do what needs to get done.

it will come. eventually some peace will decend into this body. the morning yoga outdoors in the sun by the redwoods is rather helpful for the grounding aspects.

no time for libraries due to wait time for Internet terminals and driving schedule. this dial up is rather shocking after dsl and taking much changing of settings so as to maximize speed and minimize distractions (i.e. siggys, avatars, pics in general ) but after weeks of only a couple check ins briefly on borrowed laptops this will do for now.

one day one breath one moment

be here now

zh,

I'm glad you've checked in.

I wish you more than well. I hope you continue finding a bit of peace in this hectic world daily.

KD

good to hear from you, glad you have not just disappeared into never never land. Sounds like your journey is where you need to be.
Yes I know some times we do not understand but it just happens. No matter where you go or what you do thaughts and prayers with you.

year later from beginning of this thread. what has changed? not much with regards to the usual. much with regards to all else.

not easy to keep up with the pace of therapy when life is happening all around. nothing gets put on hold. it gets dropped or forgotten about or passed by and then rediscovered ages later. oh! that! that's where that went. that's what happened to that. oooohh. as if that begins to make any sense....

always good to reflect and see that this thread was responded to by the same folks that have been around for a while. continuity helps. helps us anyway......

therapy has been on break due to schedules, reality of geography, and other factors not needing mention. pdoc filled in a bit but that proved to challenging to do twice in one month. nice person. just not exactly the best place to get into things. not that getting into anything is necessarily controlable. not going certainly makes sure nothing is gotten into!

talking with friend we told more than we had ever before. nearly collapsed from fright AND relief. hard to say which won out.......fright? relief? combo? felt ill and out of sorts for days after. definitely done wrong. definitely screwed up. @#@&*^#!!ed up big time! and then after several days, more conversations this sense of having done wrong, having #%&!*$%ed up started to dissipate....how odd! to start to understand that talking and telling aren't the horrible end that our mind has created.

the world doesn't open and swallow us whole. the world doesn't end. people don't stop, point and laugh. well maybe there are some but we prefer to keep our focus on the healing and not on the peanut gallery of life. spent enough time with clowns years ago in youth.

upcoming choices whether or not to show work again in this year's show. if so whether or not to enter *my* work or like last year work that belongs to another who doesn't share *my* name........decisions. perhaps we'll both get pieces in? never know. strange to be looking forward to a stressful process but probably positive to be wanting to show our work publicly. the more people who don't shy away from the topic of csa and are willing to look at what comes from those strongly in the midst of the healing process the more hope there is for society to stop turning a blind eye to the issue(s).

ending up out here in boondock land was a blessing in many ways. the remote location prohibits luxury items.........but those are easily replaced by the oaks and redwoods, the creeks, the bobcats, owls, bats, horses, chickens, pheasants, quail, etc. still wondering how pooch hasn't met up with a skunk. one of the ranch pups recently challenged a skunk. she lost. guess everyone within smelling distance of her lost!

trying to find positives about where we're at. trying to be okay with what is. be what you are says a small sticker on the fridge. ok. being. this is us being. fail 'til you succeed says another. well lots of failure here so the success should be soon, right?

music has reentered life. sometime of *my* liking.........often not but *I'm* more open to allowing what is to be. friend who we told laughed afterward as they perused our music on the computer............."aha! now it makes sense that you have _____ and ______ in your collection!" yep.....we would not download, purchase, or otherwise acquire certain things but there they are. oh well. diversity is good!

focus back on today.......gotta get out of this paradise lost and back to civilization. run errands. pay bills. see people. do stuff. hard to do when a funk is overwhelming all other feelings. the funk has lifted somewhat and the need to get things done is imperative enough to light a fire under our tuchus. first therapy in over a month. ugh. ugh ugh ugh.

besides who wouldn't want to spend the better part of two hours at the laundromat? eyes glazed over and zombified automation takes over.....at least clean clothes and bedding are end results. wish therapy had results that quickly and as tangible. sigh.

continuation of same...but different.....

and on it goes......

ah to be in need of something........but what?

hugs, no thanks

people who live and breathe the challenges of DID? yeah, that might help. people focused on the aspects of everyday life and rent, car insurance, registration,meetings with: agents, doctors, therapists, employees of Soc. Sec., househunting, real estate ridiculousness, car repairs, breaking down in the middle of nowhere w/o cell phone not that it would matter as there is no reception out here, etc. on and on and on

but often what we want and what is available are not the same and we must choose what will serve us best. long absences have served us best with regards to here.

we miss KA and RhysMadison and others who aren't around for whatever reasons. we fully respect whatever reasons they have for not being here. doesn't change how much we miss them or how much we learned from their sharing of their experiences.

wistful. no time for wistfulness. only time for taking care of immediate details. materials for frames, glazing if available, ways to extend colours that are decreasing in volume and not replaceable, submit pieces that go together? or pieces that reflect what is wanted to convey to the masses?

at least the feeling of brain snoglobe is less today. wonder if it will start up again with therapy?

wonder how we're going to manage upcoming family travels? looking forward to the wonders that are in our destination city but not to the actual travel and time together with family.

feel like a tick for feeling such inability to be around family w/o difficulty but it is what it is. can't make it otherwise. can't suck it up and pretend things are okay when they're so not.

can't fake what is real, what is happening, what IS.

after a life of faking our way it can be a sharp wake up call to learn that there isn't any more faking involved on this path.

thank goodness for healing. thank goodness for progress. thank goodness for hope. thank goodness for the ability to seek help, actively utilize that help, and know that much more help is needed before our healing approaches anywhere near done.

petty snarky words from those we know just motivate us more in the healing vein. being stuck was so painful. our sympathies to those currently mired in their own doings. our wishes for their freedom from their own trap. our wishes for their hearts to open and minds to follow. in time even insincere apologies might take on the flavour of sincerity. time heals much. time helps much.

time goes on. different? sure. always different in some distinct way. yet the continuation remains. ....

thank goodness this forum is built on respect and differences. how boring if we were all the same. all the time. all the way. yuck!

celebrate diversity! share an opinion that isn't popular! be yerself/ves.

and so we are.

I don't always fall in with the crowd either, although you might think I do.

Glad you are finding a way to be yourself here, I try too..... with much trial, error, and stung paws

PS Wow. I could have written the second part of your new "hobbies" myself

I have only recently changed my "gender" on my bio from "no" back to female..... some tiny progress possibly

I always look for intent and I know in my heart i have never intended to hurt anyone. I have said that before so will not bother again. My stepmother's abuse was based to a significant extent on accusing me of doing things I never did.

sigh

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Fuzzybear said:
I always look for intent and I know in my heart i have never intended to hurt anyone. I have said that before so will not bother again. My stepmother's abuse was based to a significant extent on accusing me of doing things I never did.

sigh
Edited by Fuzzybear (Today (09/06/06) at 03:54 pm)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

I always look for intent and I know in my heart i have never intended to hurt anyone. I find it sad that I have to keep repeating that so I will not bother again.

sigh

Edited by Fuzzybear (Today (09/06/06) at 03:45 pm)

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

uncertain how the edits of your post reflect your expression.

confused....but that is par for course in this life.

bit by bit healing takes place. whether or not one is actively involved.......time changes things..........whether or not one changes with them is another matter.

here's hoping you find ways of change that work for you and your happiness.

I know I have changed for the better in lots of ways over the past two years..... if it isn't apparent in my posts, that is ok cuz I know the truth

I still have lots more work to do though, a life's work perhaps

Regards,
Fuzzy